Falling Awake (21 page)

“I know.” He took the bottle from me, taking a long slow drink. He screwed the top back on and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m not staying.”

“Right,” I said “So where are you going then?” I tried my best to sound casual.

“Home. I’ve got a flight in two hours.” He looked straight ahead as he spoke. He hadn’t made eye contact with me since he sat down. It was one of his party tricks and the one way I could always tell he was keeping something from me.

“Can’t you just get on our flight?” I asked, hoping I’d managed to mask the desperation in my voice.

“No. I have to get back as soon as.” His voice was devoid of any emotions, giving me no clue as to what was so important that he had to up and leave straight away. “What’s the emergency?”

“No emergency. I just have thing’s I need to do.” He was still trying for casual but I saw his jaw twitch and I definitely knew something was up. I also knew that he wasn’t going to tell me what that something was, so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of asking. As far as he was concerned, I didn’t care.

“How are the crutches holding up?”

“Not great,” I said. “They hurt.”

“You’ll get used to them.”

“I hope I won’t need them much longer.”

“Ressler told me about the bird,” he said, briskly changing the subject, and this time he did look at me. He looked me square in the face and the power of his green-grey eyes gripped my chest tightly.

“It’s wing was broken,” I said.

“And you healed it,” he said matter of factly.

“We don’t know that.”

“Ressler knows what he saw.”

“It’s impossible,” I said under my breath.

“Then you knew how to kill Sabre.”

“Lucky guess?”

“I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

“What are you saying?” I was unsure where he was going with this.

“I’m not saying anything. I’m just getting the facts.” He broke eye contact, looking back out towards the fountain.

“I dreamt about you,” I said, and before I could stop myself, I was telling him about my dream. “You’re hiding something from me, and I can never see it. It’s always covered in shadows.” I watched for any sign of recognition, but his expression never faltered. “I dreamt we were in a cove, just off the shore somewhere, but it’s not familiar,” I went on. “You have wings in the dream and then after you try to show me whatever it is you have with you, your wings turn black and I wake up.”

“Who else have you told about this? He asked me calmly.

“No one.”

“Good.”

“Why? What does it matter?”

“It doesn’t. I just don’t want you to mention it to anyone. You never know whose listening.” I wasn’t buying it, no way. There was another reason I had to keep quiet about this.

“Caleb what’s happening to me?” He glanced at me and turned his body a fraction so I had his full attention. “I’m trying to figure that out.”

“Is it magic?”

“I think it’s bigger than that.”

“So these people looking for me, they were right?”

“I think so.”

“This is crazy,” I said in disbelief. “I keep thinking I might wake up one day and all of this will just be one big misunderstanding, but it’s becoming more real.”

“Do you want to wake up?” he asked me. I thought back to the very first moment I laid eyes on Caleb and all the crap that had happened since. My life was a mess and a lie. I was in physical danger and lusting after someone I could never have.

“Not all of the time,” I said, my breathing becoming shallow. “Sometimes I’m scared I’ll wake up and realise that the best parts of this nightmare are just a dream.”

“Sometimes you have to dream to get to what’s real.”

“I’m sick of dreaming,” I said, catching the glint in his eye. I wanted him to close this space between us, and I wanted him to kiss me right now. I could almost feel his mouth on mine. I could feel his hands in my hair, tugging my head back softly as he covered my mouth with his own. I could feel every bit of him in my soul, yet he hadn’t laid a finger on me; I wanted to scream.

“I need to go,” he said, bolting me back to reality.

“Caleb, you have told me everything haven’t you?” I asked him, before he had the chance to leave.

“What do you mean?” He sounded caught off guard.

“I mean, I want to know what it is that you’re keeping from me.” I’d been feeling for a while now that there was something he didn’t want me to know, and I didn’t like being kept in the dark. “You aren’t helping me you know by keeping things from me.”

“I’m not keeping anything from you. Everything you need to know I have told you.” There it was. Everything I needed to know, I knew. I was strictly on a need to know basis.

“So that’s how it’s going to be?” I asked him sharply. “Keep me at arm’s length when it suits? I’m not a toy Caleb; this is my life you are messing with. You don’t decided what I should and shouldn’t know about it. In fact, I don’t need you in my life if I’m perfectly honest, and while I’m being honest, I don’t need, or want you to protect me.” I had started now and there was no way of turning back. I couldn’t seem to keep my emotions in check any longer. He had finally tipped me over the edge. I couldn’t have him and so it seemed I would push him away. I wasn’t clear when I had made the decision, but I was certain now it was what was best for me, and for my sanity. Me and him being friends just wasn’t working, and me and him being together was never going to happen, so why be in each other’s lives at all? Like he said, I had Ressler.

“That’s what you want?” he asked me, his voice cool and steady. He was totally unreadable- unaffected by my words.

“That’s what I want.” No, it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to shout out how badly I wanted him, but it was no use. We’d been there and done that, all I needed now was the t-shirt.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He stood up.

“I know exactly what I’m saying. So if you care about me at all like you say you do, you’ll leave now and get out of my life for good.” I could feel the lump forming in my throat as I spoke and my voice quivered along with my body. I couldn’t take it back as much as I desperately wanted to, not now. I’d said it and a part of me meant it- the logical part of me that knew I couldn’t think clearly, or see clearly, or even act clearly while he was around clouding my mind and vision. The illogical part of me, my heart- was pounding at what I had just done. Take it back it yelled, but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I mean it. I can’t get on with my life with you in it.”

“You won’t have a life to live if I leave.”

“Wow, that’s an awful big opinion you’ve got of yourself there,” I said more icily than intended, and I braced myself for his reaction, but it never came.

He stared down at me and I looked away, afraid I might try and beg him to stay if I looked into his eyes any longer. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”

I didn’t see him leave, but I knew he was gone when the dark shadow over me lifted and was replaced by unwelcome hot sunshine that done nothing but darken my already black mood. What had I just done? I stood as quickly as I could manage to try to spot him amongst the tourists, but I couldn’t see him anywhere, he was gone, and this time he was gone for good.

T
he flight home was quiet and boring. I didn’t see any more of Ressler, so I had no idea if he was still in Paris, or had already flown back. I failed to mention my fight with Caleb to Mellissa. I didn’t want to have that conversation with her, and make the fact that I’d told Caleb to get out of my life even more real. Mellissa on the other hand was ecstatic to get home and see Drake, and I didn’t want to put a dampener on that either. A little after nine pm, we caught a bus from the airport that dropped us off at school, where everyone’s parents or friends were waiting with rides home.

I immediately spotted Drake leaning casually against his Pontiac. He stood out significantly from the rest of the mundane looking crowd. Whilst the rest of our group ran to their parents squealing in delight after having only been gone for only four days, I trailed Mellissa over to Drakes car and stood there pretending to look elsewhere whilst he grabbed her and kissed her hello.

“Hey,” Drake said to me, gently pushing Mellissa off him and securing her under his arm.

“Hey.” I gave him my best half wave, and forced a smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Where’s Caleb?” Mellissa asked him. Sometimes I forgot how in the dark she was about everything that was going on around her. Well not for much longer, I thought to myself. I was so ready to tell her everything.

“He couldn’t make it,” Drake said, catching my eye.

“Oh, that’s a shame. I thought he would have wanted to see Pria.” Little did she know, I’d seen plenty of him over the past few days, and possibly the last I might ever see of him. The thought was more than too much to bear and I wished it away.

“Why would he want to see me?” I asked her. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Oh, as good as,” she scoffed. “You think we’re all blind, but we’ve got eyes.” I wasn’t even going to respond to that. I was in no mood to talk about Caleb.

“Can we just go?” I asked sourly, opening the back door of the car and letting myself and my stupid crutches in.

I stood in the kitchen with the refrigerator door wide open, searching for something edible. After a quick inventory, I settled for grabbing the whole lot, which included stale milk, two yoghurt pots long past their sell by date, mouldy cheese, and dried up ham. Then I threw the whole lot in the bin and grabbed a pack of crackers from the cupboard. I settled down on the sofa and flicked on the TV, surfing the channels until finally settling for a Friends re-run that I had already seen a thousand times before. According to the TV, it was ten forty five and there was still no sign of my dad. He hadn’t even left me a note.

I tried his cell again and got only his voicemail. I left him a quick message, asking him to call me as soon as he got it, and then tried calling the garage. I threw my shattered phone onto the coffee table, and after munching on a few dry crackers, I sank lower into the couch. The house was cloaked in darkness because I couldn’t be bothered to turn on any lights, but the darkness suited my mood perfectly. I didn’t want any light. My eyelids were growing heavy and I turned the TV down until it was just a low murmur in the background. The image of yesterday’s fight with Caleb swam even clearer in my mind as I closed my eyes, and I scrunched them tightly together trying to get rid of it. Had I really been that awful to him? Even though I still stuck by what I said, I wished I hadn’t been so rude about it, or so quick to say it. Another thing that was bothering me, was whether he would actually leave Friday Harbor, or just stay out of my way. I tried to remember exactly everything I’d said to him, but the whole memory was scarred and manipulated.

I knew I was dreaming when I woke up and found myself back in the cove. My white dress lay draped over the edge of the rock that I was sitting on, and I watched it sway gently in the water with the flow of the tide. Caleb kneeled down in front of me wearing the same black trousers and bare chest. The smell of the sea was thick in my nostrils, and I inhaled a deep breath, tasting the salt at the back of my mouth. Something glistened at the curve of Caleb’s back, just above his waistline and I craned my neck trying to see it.

“What have you got back there?” I asked, reaching my hand out to try to touch whatever it was, but it was like reaching into the abyss. The more I stretched towards it, the further away it seemed to get.

“It’s too soon,” he said, bringing his hand up to guard whatever was behind his back. “Now wake up.”

I jolted up ramrod straight at the sound of his words and my eyes sprang open. The glare from the television showed the same Friends show; just a different episode, and I pressed the information button on the remote displaying that the time was eleven thirty five. I sat up and grabbed my IPhone.

No missed calls.

I tried my dad and the garage again, but got no answer from both. I was becoming anxious, and in my desperation, I dialled Caleb’s number. After a few attempts with no answer, I realised I got what I wanted and he wouldn’t be there anymore at my every beck and call. I gave up and decided to go and look for my dad. I changed out of my house sweats and pulled on black leggings, a ribbed spaghetti strap black top, and threw on my peach hooded jacket. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, not caring about the loose strands that refused to cooperate. Once outside, I opened the garage expecting to find my Fiat, and instead, my dad’s Chevrolet pickup was sitting there in its place.  If that was here, then where was he? My heart rate excelled and nearly leaped out of my chest. Something was wrong, very wrong. I ran back into the house, and grabbed the set of spare keys to the Chevrolet from the fruit bowl in the kitchen, and jumped into my dad’s truck with the first destination in mind. The garage. I raced there as quickly as I could, not caring about speed limits or the fact that there might be pedestrians on the road. I only cared about one thing- making sure my dad was safe.

A short while later, I pulled up outside of the garage and leaving the engine running, I jumped out and ran inside. It was unlocked.

“Dad!” I shouted, bolting into the office. It was empty. My Fiat sat inside the garage, mended roof and all, and I absentmindedly ran my hand along the fresh paintwork that Caleb was responsible for. I ran out to the front of the garage. It was eerily silent. The moon hung full and bold in the black sky and the only noise came from the chirping of the crickets in the undergrowth.

“Dad!” I shouted, but the only reply was my voice bouncing back to me in the empty night. My legs turned to jelly as the worst-case scenario came to mind, and the most likely thing that had happened to him. I had one last place to look before I accepted that fate though. So after locking up the garage, I got back into the truck and drove down onto Spring Street. I parked the truck sloppily outside of The Southern Oven, and prayed to God that I would find my dad sitting inside. It was Friday night and most places would be open until one am. This was one of them, but one quick glance of the restaurant, and Gracey’s smiling face behind the counter told me he wasn’t there.

“Hi Gracey,” I said, trying my hardest to sound casual. “Have you seen my dad tonight?”

“No sweetie, I haven’t. Are you okay? You look flushed.” Concern instantly creeped up into her face. So much for trying to be casual.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. But listen, I have to run. If you see him can you ask him to call me as soon as please?”

“Of course. Are you sure everything’s okay? You really don’t look well, and is that your dad’s truck outside?” she asked me, leaning over to see out of the front windows. I looked behind me. Shit. How was I going to explain this?

“Yeah, that’s my dad’s. It’s a long story. He has my car, that’s why I’m in such a rush, cause’ I kinda need it back. I was supposed to be going out so tell him to call me?” I asked, already walking backwards to the door.

“You’re supposed to be going out this late?” She looked more perplexed then when I first came in. “Are you sure your daddy-” I didn’t give her a chance to end that sentence. She wasn’t buying it no way, but I didn’t really have time to care about that.

“Bye Gracey,” I called over my shoulder.

Back behind the wheel of the truck, I started the engine and pulled away, driving to a secluded spot on the marina, where in the stillness of the harbor- I broke down and cried. I gave myself a few minutes to get it out of my system, and then tried to pull myself together. Sitting here crying wasn’t going to help anyone. I needed to do something. My dad was gone; that much I was sure about. What I didn’t know was where he’d gone, or worse, if something had happened to him. With shaking fingers, I dialled the only other person I knew could help me. After the first ring, the sound of Ressler’s voice flooded me with instant security.

“Pria.” The tone of his voice told me he wasn’t expecting to hear from me.

“Where are you?” he asked. On second thought, that next question held a note of desperation, and I knew something was definitely up.

“My dad’s missing.”

“Can you meet me at Sully’s?”

“Yes. I’ll see you in a minute,” I said, and I hung up. I floored the gas all the way, until I recognised the familiar dead end road guarded by shrubs, and the faint glow of the bar at the end of it. I turned and drove along the gravel road to the car park, where I saw Ressler crouched down next to the front door. I parked up and jogged over to him stiffly, my leg beginning to ache under all the movement. My crutches were at home, I didn’t really feel like I needed to be using them, and they definitely wouldn’t help me now. They would probably only succeed in holding me back. Ressler stood up and threw his arms around me, and my body shuddered with sobs underneath him.

“We’ll find him Pria, calm down,” he said soothingly.

“This is all my fault,” I cried. “He thought I was mad at him. What if I never see him again?”

“Sshh,” he said. “It’ll be fine. And you will see him again. Let’s go inside, there’s someone in there who can help us.” I wiped my eyes and my nose on the back of my sleeve, and followed him inside the bar. It was full of the usual type. Rough, mean and ready, and I avoided eye contact with any of them. The cigarette smoke hung thick in the air like a vale and stung my swollen eyes as I walked through it.

“Were going downstairs. She’s with me. She’s okay,” Ressler said to Sully, taking me around the back of the bar. Sully’s usual hard edge look he reserved for me was gone, and he nodded at me instead. I was too stunned to do anything but stare at him as I passed by, and I certainly didn’t dare smile at him. Downstairs I stood awkwardly on the inside of the door in the living room, not really knowing what to do with myself in Caleb’s space.

“Where’s Caleb?” I shouted to Ressler, while he busied himself in the kitchen. I couldn’t see him but I could hear him. I walked through to where he stood pouring whisky into two glasses. He pushed one towards me. “Here, for your nerves.” I took the glass with a sense of de-javu washing over me from last time when I was here with Caleb.

“So where’s Caleb?” I asked again.

“I don’t know.” He gulped down his drink and poured another, downing that one just as quickly. “I’ve tried calling him, looking for him. I don’t know where he is.”

“What about Drake?”

“He hasn’t seen him either.”

I threw my drink back at the thought that Caleb might have disappeared because of me. “We had a fight in Paris,” I told him, thrusting my glass out for him to re-fill it. “I told him to get out of my life. I said I didn’t need protecting. I had you for that.” Ressler looked up at me from under his lashes, as he poured the last of my drink. “Why did you say that?”

“He was keeping things from me,” I said, shrugging my shoulders “I’m better off without him. I don’t need his help.” Even hearing the words now, I knew they weren’t entirely true. They were a cop out and I didn’t dare go back on it now in case he really had walked out on me.

“And is that what you really believe?” Ressler asked me. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he didn’t agree with me, and even I had to admit I’d acted a tad on the dramatic side. That was exactly why I had to cut Caleb out when I did, I reasoned with myself. He brought out an irrational and over sensitive side in me. A side that I never even knew existed. And he made me act too much from what my heart wanted rather than my head. I was too unstable around him. No, I was right to do what I had done; I needed it for my sanity. 

I knocked back my drink then said, “Yes it is.” He didn’t look in the slightest like he believed me, but he left it there anyway. I perched on the edge of one of three white leather bar stools and dropped my head into my hands.

“What now?” I asked him. “I don’t think sitting here getting drunk is going to help my dad, so have you got any better ideas?” My tongue was sharp, but I didn’t mean it. I was still on edge from wondering what on earth had happened to my dad.

“Leah!” He shouted, and two seconds later, the sound of her stilettoes clicking against the wood floor echoed around the room, and she slid onto the stool next to me.

“What do you want Ressler?” She asked, and I noticed for the first time that her voice was as smooth as silk, carrying the faintest pitch of obscenely high bells. If you never paid close enough attention, you would easily miss it, and you could say despite her sultry exterior, it was angelic even.

She was wearing a tight black leather mini skirt and matching corset. The electric blue from her hair was absent, and instead, her head of wild curls shone with the deep vivid colour of red wine, with lipstick to match. I couldn’t help but stare at her. She was so far beyond beautiful it was infuriating. I was finding it hard to believe that Caleb had her shacked up here and nothing was going on between them. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was another reason he refused to be with me. He seemed to just be plucking excuses out of the sky.