Falling (11 page)

DANA

I Don’t do Vulnerability

It strikes me as I cut his beard closer and closer to his face—he looks younger, vulnerable. He has looked nothing close to vulnerable since I arrived. It looks like it really sucks.

Our knees are still touching, and I know I should pull away, but they’ve been together for so long without me noticing, that now it would be weird if I suddenly moved. I study his face, the length of his hair and his features. He really is a good-looking guy. Our eyes meet briefly, and my chest tightens.

“You’ve been wanting to do this since you got here.” He smiles. “Just finish it off.”

I let out a nervous laugh because Jason should not be causing tightening in my chest. “Okay.” I pull out his clippers and slowly trim off the remainder off his beard. There’s a lot of hair, and it takes a while.

When I sit back, Jason still needs to shave, but looks like a whole new person.

“How is it?” A corner of his mouth pulls up in a sad half-smile.

“Great.” It’s so different. “Let me check over the top again.” Why don’t I just walk away? His hair is just curly enough that it’ll be fine, even if it were a little uneven. I stand up taking his hair in my fingers and feeling the ends. I re-check his whole head, enjoying taking care of him this way. And then both my chest and my gut tighten in something like nerves and uncertainty. “I think you’re done.”

This is when I need to jump away and shake off this feeling, but I’m frozen to the spot.

Jason doesn’t move, but reaches out and puts a hand on either side of my waist, just at the top of my sweats, in the small space between where my shirt stops and my pants start. I can’t breathe. His hands feel so good. His thumbs slide back and forth across my skin, and my knees go weak.

This is definitely new.

I stand still, afraid to move. Afraid he’ll touch me more. Afraid he won’t. He’s not looking up at me. He’s staring straight ahead at my stomach. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. I’m afraid to even say anything. I’m
never
afraid to say something. This is Jason, used to be scruffy, tease me and be frustrating Jason. It hits me in that moment that I want him to stand up and kiss me. Take me in his arms. Tell me ‘thank you’ for taking care of him. Tell me how much he likes taking care of me.

When did
this
happen?

Why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just pull him up to me and kiss him? I’ve never been in a position where I want something and haven’t been able to just act on it—at least not for a
very
long time. This moment is somehow too important. If we kiss, it will actually mean something. I’m afraid. I’ve never been afraid of this, have I? Just like he looked vulnerable a few moments ago, it’s now what I feel. Feeling vulnerable
does
really suck. I’m suddenly very aware that I have a leg on either side of his. How long have we been like this?

He stands up, and it
steals
my breath for a minute. He’s only an inch or so taller than I am. Our faces are so close that his breath touches my face. Neither of us speaks. I’m too afraid to even look at him, but while trying to avoid his face, I end up staring at his smooth lips. What’s wrong with me? He steps away just as I’m about to lean in, and I nearly fall over, but he either doesn’t notice, or ignores me.

“Thanks. I gotta take a shower and get this hair off of me before I go crazy.” He laughs a little, runs his hands through his hair, and shakes it out. I stand still in shock.

Did I just imagine all that? I’m an idiot. I don’t want this. Him.

Do I?

“Okay.” I say weakly. I turn and start to walk to my room without looking back. Crap, when did
this
happen? How did I like a guy and not even know it? I can’t like Jason. It would be
so
inconvenient. What kind of girl would choose this? I make it up the stairs to my little purple room and sit down with my palms pressed on my lap afraid to relax.

I don’t like choices where choosing one thing I want will force me to do something I don’t want. Actually, as I think, I can’t remember a time in my life when I’ve had that. Choosing Jason would be like choosing Alaska and a rundown old lodge. Then I wonder if Jason even likes me. I thought we were having some sort of a moment and then he just shakes his hair out and heads for the shower.

Maybe I imagined everything.

I laugh inwardly at myself. I’ve never even given a thought to whether a guy I like, liked me. Not since Clive. I try to wrap my brain around this new knowledge. After a few minutes alone in my room I decide a few things. Jason is simply a nice guy and my brain has run away with that a bit. I’m confused and don’t like feeling confused, but it’s bound to happen when you spend a lot of time with someone. I get sick of thinking and feeling so I pull out my computer to check email.

I have a note from Leann begging for information. I also have one from Keith, but he just wants an update. I send him one line explaining that nothing has changed.

But Leann I send a message to asking for a visit. This whole Jason situation requires a girl’s input, and some serious distraction. She answers back almost immediately.

Is tomorrow okay?

Yes.

Tomorrow is perfect
.

I hit send, thankful that she’ll be here as a buffer after my strange Jason moment.

I Begin to Realize How Stupid I Can Be

I walk out to pick Leann up at just before lunch. Jason stays at the lodge, but sends me with his GPS—this way if I get lost I can call him, and he’ll tell me how to use the stupid thing.

It’s a bit exhilarating to be on the trail in the wilderness by myself, and I make it to the big parking lot with no problem.

Leann isn’t hard to find. Her wild blond hair sticks out over the top of her car.

“Dana!” She hugs me. “It’s so fun to see you out here like this!”

“Yeah.” I look down at the snowmachine I rode out. “Check me out.”

“So you’re not going to kill us or anything are you?” She laughs as she pulls on her helmet.

“No.” I shake my head. “Climb on. I found my way out so I’m sure I can find our way back.”

“Well, that’s not at all terrifying.” She steps on behind me.

It feels good to be around another girl. One that’s now seeing another side of me that she’ll appreciate, and not roll her eyes at. I can’t imagine sharing showmachining or Jason’s lodge with my Northwestern group.

“You made it!” Jason waves from the doorway. He must have been waiting. Maybe worried. It’s very good of him, and makes me feel a surge of something I shouldn’t be feeling.

“He’s cute,” Leann whispers in my ear.

I have nothing to say. He is. Very—especially now that he has a decent haircut.

“No problems at all.” I smile smugly as I pass Jason in the doorway, and then instead of brushing against him the way I would if I’m curious about how a guy feels, I step around him as widely as I can, my heart pounding a little.

I’ve got problems.

“I’m Leann.” She stops, smiles, and holds her hand out to him. She does step too close, gauging his reaction.

I watch Jason carefully for any sign that he’s watching her. Maybe inviting her wasn’t a great idea. I stop. Wow, I am definitely going crazy.

“I just got a fax from the DA’s office for you,” Jason says.

“Oh.” Leann follows me inside. “The case right? Can I see?”

“Sure.” I nod. “I’m supposed to go over my statements again before the trial.” And this’ll be a good distraction from Jason.

“This is a pretty cool place.” Leann surveys the dining area full of worn picnic tables. She sounds impressed.
And
like she’s not lying.

“Thanks.” He wanders into the kitchen. “Dana knows where everything is. Help yourself.”

She smiles at him too widely. “Thank you.”

“I’ll leave you two.” He starts for his door.

“No,” I say. As much as I suddenly want he and Leann apart, I want him here. I’m picking my stack of papers off the fax machine and it feels heavy, weird. This is all way too real.

Jason goes into the kitchen, pours three cups of his good coffee, and brings them to the table, sitting down next to me and across from Leann. Good arrangement. Though, if I invited Leann up to get some space from Jason, this might not be the best way to do it.

I slide my part of the police report over to Leann and she starts reading, tucking her masses of blond curls behind her ears.

“What do you think you’ll do when this is all over?”  Leann looks at me. “Will you come back to the hotel?”

“I don’t know where I’ll end up right now.” I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to stay in Alaska, or even if that’s what I want. The original plan was to be here for a year, and I’m closing in on that fast.

It would be torture telling my dad that I didn’t want to come home, and right now, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t go back home. Stick to the plan. At the same time…

“What’s wrong?” Jason asks.

“Nothing. Worried about what my dad would think if he knew what was going on with me.” The papers turn into a blur in front of me. I don’t have the energy to go over it all right now.

“Oh.” Jason rests his head on his hand as he looks at me.

Handsome doesn’t even come close anymore. His hair’s long enough to still have some curl and go down the back of his neck a bit, but his face is smooth. His strong, angled jaw and deep, brown eyes would turn heads anywhere.

Okay. Get a hold of yourself, Dana. The man asked a question that needs to be answered.

“And I’m still conflicted too. About where I want to be, I mean. The idea of working for him is pretty appealing.” And a bit terrifying.

Jason nods again.

“Well, he’s like loaded, right?” Leann asks. “I mean, your house and your car…”

“I don’t know. Guess it depends on your definition.” I shrug. It was always normal to me, but at the same time I recognize that not everyone has extra cars they don’t drive and lives in houses big enough to need housekeepers.

“That’s a slippery answer.” She laughs. “Excuse me. I need the Ladies.”

I point her in the right direction.

I don’t know why this story comes to mind, but I find myself sharing it anyway, now that it’s just Jason and I. “When I was little, we did family therapy for a while.” I roll my eyes. “It was my mother’s idea. She thought we could be functioning better as a family. What’s ironic about the whole thing is that she was the one who was always canceling. My dad and I got a lot of good laughs out of that. We’ve always gotten along well.”

Jason’s quiet. Listening.

“I remember this one day we were told to put the flat of our hand against the other person’s chest and have a conversation. Our therapist said it forces us to not only be more truthful, but more understanding of the other person as well. It’s true.” I smile a little at the memory. “I told my dad that what I wanted most was to run one of his offices, but mostly I just wanted us to be close. There was no chance of closeness with my mother. He started to spend more time with me, grooming me in his own way.

“It’s not that I don’t want it. I do. But now that I’ve been up here a while, I think…I’m not sure what I want.” I look away from him. I don’t want anything from me to indicate something that shouldn’t be between us. “Mom left shortly after that.”

He eyes stay on me for a moment. I’m still not sure why I felt the need to tell him.

“When I married Cass it was an easy escape. I could blame love on not continuing with my career or my education. I had offers of two different positions in the CIA, a possibility with the FBI, and an acceptance for my master’s at Oxford. Mostly because my IQ is high and they were curious, I think. But really, I was afraid to make a choice. Afraid of failure. Afraid of everything. Cass and I ended up here, and now I never want to leave. I’m not hiding out anymore, I really love it.”

I’m glad he shared with me, but I’m starting to realize how close we’re getting, and it’s uncomfortable. It shouldn’t be happening. It can’t be happening with someone I’m attracted to. There’s no good ending here. Not that my ending with Craig was so perfect, but at least I wasn’t broken-hearted about losing
him
, I just felt stupid over the whole situation. I’m
close to
the point where if Jason turned away from being my friend, it would hurt more than Craig.

Scary and dangerous.

“Whew!” Leann says as she walks back into the room. Jason and I jump. I hadn’t realized we were leaning in so close.

So much for Leann helping me with distance.

“Okay, dish,” Leann says as soon as we hit my room. “What’s going on with you and Jason?”

I sigh. “Nothing.”

“Oh, come
on
.” She folds her arms as she flops on my bed and rests against the wall.

“Honestly, I haven’t touched him.”
But I’ve thought about it a few times…

“So what, Dana? You don’t have to be having
sex
for something to be going on.” She twists her blond curls on top of her head.

“I guess not.” I sigh and flop onto the other side of my bed, clutching a pillow to my chest.

“Wait. What happened to the cop, umm…” She snaps her fingers, searching for his name.

“Craig showed up here with his family and no warning. His wife is sweet, gorgeous, and made me feel like a tramp just for existing. So…” I’m trying to push it off like no big deal, but the whole experience has shaken me.

“Done with married men.” She frowns.

“Forever.”

“And now Jason.” She shakes her head.  “He’s hot Dana, and he was all sweet and caring when you pulled out all that paperwork…”

“It’s too much.” I shake my head. “Jason is like the real thing, and it’s too much. I don’t want real right now. I’m too young. I’m not ready for real.”

“Why is that too much?”

“It just
is
.” I look up at her. “Don’t you get it? He’s seen me all scruffy, and we get along, and I’ve told him things I would never tell someone I was involved with.” Even today, which was supposed to be my first day of more
distance
.

“And don’t you think that’s a
good
thing?” She chuckles.

“No!” It makes me way too vulnerable, and I hate feeling vulnerable. “Not right now. Not yet.”

“No wonder you don’t have many friends and hate asking for help.” Leann smiles at me a little. “You don’t let anyone in at all.”

“That’s not true, I…” Crap. Maybe it’s a little true.

“That’s what I thought.” She settles into my bed a little more. “Might be time to change that.”

“Way too scary.” I push the hair off my face. “Right now all I want to care about is enjoying my early twenties and having a little fun.”

“Oh right.” She cocks a brow. “And that never hurt anybody.”

“Why did I invite you here again?” I narrow my eyes and hold in my smile.

“Because you really wanted a dose of my brutal honesty.”

Now I’m faced with wondering if I wanted her honesty, or if I brought her here to put another person between Jason and me. Because I think both reasons have already bit me in the ass.