Fallen Angel (The List #3) (40 page)

“I’m still the same person, Beth. I believe
that what the Unit was doing was right and what we were fighting against was
evil. But that’s now in my past too because I knew it couldn’t be part of my
life, alongside you.”

“But it
is
part of your life. You don’t
get to pick and choose. What you’ve done will never change. It can’t be erased
or glossed over.”

“Don’t look at me like that Beth, please. When
you’re with me I feel numb to everything else. You’ve made me feel more alive
than I’ve ever felt. I didn’t believe that was possible. But
you
did
that to me Beth. There’s got to be a reason for that—for all of
this
.”

“Jax, I don’t want to, but I’m already looking
at you differently. What’s worse is that my fucked up twisted heart urges me to
walk over to you, to climb into your lap so that you can wrap me up and make
everything better.” Jax holds out his hand to me but I look away. “But at the
same time the rest of my body is repulsed by you and it’s telling me to run. I
didn’t know you were capable of such things. You’re not the same person… I need
to ask you something but I’m scared of the answer.”

“Ask me anything.”

“Have you ever, have you ever killed somebody?”
He stares at me, straight-faced and deadly silent. I feel vomit fighting to
climb up my throat. Fuck. Is he a murderer? “I said—”

“I heard what you said, Beth… The Unit
has
killed people before but I haven’t.” The tension in my chest releases a little and
my shoulders sag. “At one point, it was touch and go with somebody, but he
survived.”

“How can you be so calm about this?”

“I’m anything but calm, Beth. I’m dying inside,
seeing the look on your face right now.”

“How did you carry on your life as though this
wasn’t happening? How haven’t your worlds collided before the night you were
stabbed?”

“They have… once before.
I
was the
reason the manager left 24/7. I arranged for him to be taken and dealt with
for—”

“
Tricks.
”

“Beth. Don’t. Just let me finish.”

“You heard me, Jax. Stop. I don’t want to know
anymore. I really can’t do this.”

“But there’s more Beth, more that I need to
tell you.”

“And that’s why I can’t. It’s too much. I can’t
take it. I can’t breathe in here. It’s suffocating me.”

That safeword is the only thing making me feel
like I’ve got a little bit of control here. But these four lonely walls are still
closing in. Claustrophobia is creeping up on me. It’s information overload. I
can’t think straight.

I make my way out into the yard and suck in the
fresh air but it still feels stale inside of me. Jax cautiously walks out
behind me and tries to take my hand from behind.

“Beth.”

I swivel on the spot and widen the distance
between us. I can’t attempt to think straight with him near me or touching me.

“You were right, Jax—”

“No, I wasn’t. I was wrong. That part of my life
is over now—because of you. I made that decision so that we could be together.”

“But you must have made enemies because of the
Unit. You’ve lived a dangerous life. You were stabbed. You could’ve died that
night. They could still come back to finish the job and you told me they
wouldn’t.”

“They won’t. Carmel saw to that for me. He was
a paedophile Beth. She dealt with him and he has no idea who I am. None of them
do. You’re safe with me.”

“I thought we were special. That connection
between us… I thought I knew you. But you’ve duped me every step of the way. This,
all of this, just proves that what I thought was all that mattered was actually
merely us skimming the surface. What you’ve told me takes us deeper than I
could have imagined possible and I’m drowning. Drowning in confusion and
disbelief. How can I love you? You said Chloe didn’t know you. Maybe I don’t
either.”

“Don’t think like that, Beth. Our connection
is
real.”

“How do I know that? You’re the master of
manipulation. You did this. You’ve done
all
of this. You’ve purposely left
memories all over my skin, which make it more difficult for me to let go… No
matter how hard I scrub, they will always be there. The inkless girl with a
full body tattoo of you, Jax. A permanent reminder of us.”

“It was never like that. Nothing about us has
been pre-meditated. It’s all been instinctual.”

“Maybe that’s true, I don’t think you’ve
intentionally done it. But you’ve left fingerprints on my body but footprints
on my heart… Not the delicate barefoot prints you see in the sand. No, these
are brutal footprints left by the thick tread of your careless, blood-stained boots.
These footprints won’t wash away with the tide. They won’t even fade. That
would be too easy.”

“Beth, I will wash them away. I will make everything
right… I was selfish, I know that. I should’ve let you go at the start but something
within me just wouldn’t let that happen. I know now that it’s because we’re
meant to be together. We’re meant to revive each other—to complete each other.
Human jigsaws remember?”

“Listen to yourself Jax. You’re still being
selfish now. I didn’t fall in love with you, I was pushed. You could’ve stopped
this at any point but you waited. You waited until I was in too deep in the
hope that I wouldn’t be strong enough to say Fuck It and leave. You’ve led me
to this cliff top with a trail of trust and lust and promises of honesty, only
to hurl me over the side in the eleventh hour… Jesus… maiming people, acid,
knives, guns… No, my love came too easily, I’m naïve. Now I feel like you’ve thrown
it back in my face just as easily as it was snatched away from me…”

I feel as though I’m on autopilot and watching
myself from above. I don’t even know how I’m still standing, let alone
stringing sentences together.

“You told me that you’d always catch me Jax,
but I don’t think you can, not this time.”

Jax makes a move towards me but I back off
again, hearing the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet.

“I said that I will always catch you if you let
me.”

“You also said that you’d never lie to me and
that wasn’t the truth either. All this ‘ask me no questions and I’ll tell you
no lies’ bullshit. It’s all deceit and lies no matter how we dress it up… Oh
God. This isn’t happening.” I pace left then right caught between his past, our
present and my future. “How can I let your hands touch me again knowing what
they’ve done, what they’re capable of doing?”

“Because we need to be together, Angel.”

“Maybe you’re not my better boat after all…”

It’s a miserable thought that I mumble more to
myself than him.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Beth, I’m serious about us. I’ll do anything
to prove that we can make this work. I can make you happy, be the man that you
deserve. I’ve taken a huge risk bearing my soul to you.”

“And what if it’s gained you nothing?”

“Then it’s cost me everything.”

I allow myself to look into his beautiful
soulful eyes and it feels as though my heart is being relentlessly squeezed.

“I think I should go now.”

I walk back into the house, lifting my handbag
from the table on the way to the front door. Jax doesn’t follow. I look back at
him and he’s leaning against the back door, watching me. Maybe he isn’t going
to fight me on this after all.

“We need to finish this conversation, Beth. You
said you need to know it all… There’s more I need to say. It’s not bad, but you
should know—because it involves you.”

“
M
e?”

With my hand poised on the door handle, I turn
around to face him. Jax strides with a powerful grace across the room. Even in
a sick scenario as fucked up as this my vagina is practically giving him a
round of applause. What he does to me…

Closing the distance between us, he keeps out
of my personal space. His hands are in his pockets and I feel as though he’s
doing that consciously to stop himself from reaching out to me. I’m irritated
by the flutters in my stomach urging me to touch him, even after all he’s said.

Perhaps I’m not as strong as I thought I’d
become. Is my strength dependant on his influence? I know that he is and will
always be my weakness.

“Come and sit back down with me, please.”

I let go of the door handle, drop my handbag to
the floor and fold my arms across my chest.

“No. I’m fine here.”

“Okay. So no safeword?”

“No. Go on.”

“I found that guy from the party—the one that touched
you—and I beat him up. It wasn’t bad, I didn’t put him in hospital or anything
like that but I just wanted you to know.”

“Okay. So that’s what a life with you would
look like?”

“He hurt you and yes, I will never let anybody
hurt you.”

I scoff at the irony.

“I thought you liked my possessive side.”

“Possessive not psychotic.”

He tries to force a smile but fails miserably.

“I also went to see your husband.”

“You did
what?
”

“The weekend you found out about him cheating
on you. I went to see him.”

“Why did you do that? And why didn’t either of
you tell me?

“I went with the intention of hurting him Beth.
I couldn’t stand seeing how he’d hurt you that night. The look on your face. I
felt like I literally watched your heart break in front of me. I couldn’t stand
it. I wanted him to understand, to show him—”

“Oh my God, Jax. What did you fucking do to
him?”

My heart rate quickens. I feel myself starting
to panic.

“I broke into the house but it was soon obvious
that he was paralytic. He was in the kitchen failing to patch up his hand—he’d smashed
a glass and sliced it, or something. Nothing to do with me! Anyway, he was frightened
at first, when he saw me, obviously… I don’t know why but I couldn’t bring
myself to punish him. Not in the way I wanted to anyway. I told him I came
there to fucking hurt him. I only gripped him up a little and he broke down, I
mean his floodgates opened. After I’d sorted out his hand, we started talking. He
wouldn’t stop crying and telling me… things. I wasn’t prying Beth, I swear.”

“What
things
?”

“He said that you were the best… and the worst
thing to happen to him. He said he hated that he couldn’t bring himself to love
you the way that you deserved to be loved because… because he was into ‘other’
things… He said he was gay.”

“He said
what?
You’re lying. Why the
fuck would he tell
you
that?”

“He was drunk, desperate and shit scared, but
I’m sure he was telling the truth.”

“Mike isn’t fucking gay, Jax. What are you
talking about? Why are you saying this?”

“Well, he said he was and I believed him. I
didn’t leave empty handed though. I sobered him up a bit and got him to sign a letter
I’d printed which confirms he committed adultery.”

Jax hands me a folded up piece of paper from
his back pocket and there at the bottom, plain as day, is Mike’s signature. He
is telling the truth. My mind flashes back to those times I tried to call Mike
and he didn’t answer and the way he was with me when I eventually spoke to him.
I knew he seemed different but I thought it was because of the circumstances,
not because he thought Jax had told me that he’s gay. Mike is gay.

“What about his girlfriend?”

“That’s all I know, Beth.”

“Hold on. That weekend. You went out and came
back late. The night we had words in the kitchen. You had blood on your shirt,
Jax. Was that
Mikes
blood?”

“Yes, off his hand.”

“Jesus Christ, this is so fucked up. Why didn’t
you give me the letter?”

“I didn’t want you to know that I’d interfered.
It wasn’t important then because he’d promised to figure it out with you and
give you a quick, problem free divorce. I just wanted to keep the letter as
insurance in case he turned out to be full of shit… There’s one other thing…
When I found out he was leaving the country… I bought the house—”

“You bought my
house
?”

“I thought it was the
quickest way to get you what you wanted. He transferred over your share and it got
the ball rolling quicker for him to leave.”

“You bought my
fucking
house and you didn’t say a word to me?”

“If it wasn’t me,
somebody else would’ve. But this way, it happened straight away. You were
hurting Beth. It’s the only thing I could do to help.”

“No it wasn’t. You were
already giving me everything I needed. Giving me yourself—that’s what fixed me.
That’s what made
his
deceit almost irrelevant in the end. Instead, what
you’ve just done is drive a wedge in between us. Asking me to take on
everything about your past is one thing, but that is
my
life you’ve
messed with and for what?”

“That letter ensures a
quick divorce, which is what you told me you wanted. I did it for you.”

“I don’t fucking care about
the divorce! I’m talking about why you did what you did. It hasn’t made me feel
better. It’s made you feel better. You didn’t like seeing me hurt so you wanted
to hurt Mike for your own self-gratification.”

“No, it wasn’t like
that—”

“Yes it was. All of it;
joining that gang, hurting those people… You may have selflessly helped lots of
innocent, good people, but it wasn’t selfless was it? In the end, it was you
who went to bed each night feeling satisfied that you’d made up for a little of
the guilt you’ve suffocated yourself with over Chloe’s death.”

Jax reacts as though
I’ve punched him in the gut. He steps backwards, shaking his head. Then he
stops and looks at me.

“You’re right. It did
make me feel like I was chipping away at the guilt. But that’s not
why
I
did it Beth. I enjoyed it. I got pleasure from seeing guilty motherfuckers get
a taste of their own medicine. Perverts, pedophiles, drug dealers, gang
members, murderers—they were all the scum of the earth, Beth.”

“The life you’ve been
living isn’t something I can be a part of, Jax. I know you said you’ve left
that behind you now but just listening to how you talk about it with such
belief and passion… I think reverting back to that life will always be at the flick
of the switch. This isn’t a life I want to lead and being with you
now
wouldn’t be the same as it was yesterday. Our future has been tainted. I feel
like you’ve written your own letter of declaration, resigning yourself from our
relationship. Only you’ve signed the letter in somebody else’s blood. That’s
how fucked up and wrong this whole situation is. How do I fathom out having you
as part of my future when I can’t handle your past?”

“Because you’re a good
person and you love me… I know that what I did was good so you’ll feel that too,
I’m sure of it. I don’t want to pretend with you anymore. This is me, laid bare
for you to judge. This is my reality, Beth.”

“And what if I don’t
want to downgrade my hopes to match your reality? Where does that leave us; me
heartbroken and you on the slow road to self-destruction again? Will you go
back to the Unit?”

“That’s not possible. But
regardless, I’ve made a promise to myself not to live like that anymore. So no,
I wouldn’t.”

“Jax, can’t you see the
damage you’ve done to yourself by joining the Unit and not returning to your
family as you’d intended? You’ve let your nightmare stop you from dreaming.
You’re a strong, powerful man and you’ve let one tragic accident ruin your
life.”

“But you’ve broken the
cycle. Somehow, without even trying, you’ve broken me down and reminded me of
the man I used to be—before things started turning. I’m still that person. I’ve
just let myself get consumed with other people’s lives instead of my own. But
that’s changed now. Beth, tell me you can see a chance of us getting through
this?”

“I need time to think,
Jax. If you say that you’ve completely cut all ties to that part of your life
then—”

“Not completely, Beth.
There will always be a link there—with Carmel.”

“Carmel? What do you
mean?”

“Until I fulfil my
promise to Chloe… Beth, after hitting brick wall after dead end on tracking
Samara down, Carmel took the reins on the case. She has influential connections
worldwide, which I can never compete with, I need them. She uses her resources
on my behalf. It’s ongoing. So until he is found and dealt with, I will
always
have a link back to Carmel. It’s important that you know that.”

“Hold on. Until he is
dealt
with? So it’s not over then. You’re planning on killing him, aren’t you?”

“It’s the only way,
Beth.”

“It. Was. An. Accident.
Jax…” My desperate words shatter and dissolve into an empty, hopeless sob.

This is killing me. I
have nothing left. He is as dangerous as he is loveable.

I look to Jax and realise
it’s for reassurance. At my weakest moment, I need to touch him and feel him
beneath my fingers. I want reminding of the strength that he gives me. I have
to remember the strength that I’m capable of, because right now, I’m a broken
woman. I’m weak and as much as he has done this to me, I just need him to hold
me.

Stepping towards him gradually,
I’m worried that our physical connection will have been tainted along with all of
the emotional confusion. Jax doesn’t make a move. With his hands at his sides,
he just subtly turns his palms to face me, to welcome my body into his.

Letting my body lead
the way, I step towards him again and he raises his hand to my cheek. He
strokes his fingers down the side of my face, tucking my hair behind my ear.

Watching his handsome
face, I lean into his huge palm and he holds me there whilst my tears cascade
over his fingers. He stays there, looking into my eyes, showing me that he’s
still the same man I fell in love with.

I see his confusion and
sadness as to what will happen next, probably because he knows that it’s not
his call to make. But I also see clarity. Telling me all of this must’ve been
strange and so difficult for him to share.

From his ordeal with
Chloe, the drugs, the Unit, Mike and now his quest for revenge. He didn’t have
to but I asked him to. He did it because he knows that there wouldn’t have been
a chance at a future without exorcising all of these demons first.

Putting my hands gently
on his chest, he laces his fingers around the back of my head and weaves them
into my hair, cradling my head to his chest. I show no shame in breathing him
in. What’s the point? He knows what he does to me but this is a far cry from anything
sexual. This is for survival—I need this moment with him. I’m emotionally
drained and running on empty. My mind is awash with confusion.

Jax wraps his free hand
around me and pulls me into him tighter, as though he wants us to become one
person, in the same way that we’ve always felt connected.