Falcon Song: A love story (18 page)

Even simply the thought of him helped to calm her somewhat. It had always been that way. Right up until that very last night he’d been the rock solid foundation she rested on.
Oh, Jason, I need you now. Why didn’t you stay strong so you could have helped me through this? Where are you, Jase? I need you. Kennen and I both need you.

Her world felt like it was coming apart at the seams and the baby’s heart monitor had begun to be increasingly erratic when finally, she heard that first little cry. It changed the tone in that operating room unbelievably and her eyes flew to where that tiny slippery looking purplish red body squirmed and threw its arms and legs. As he began to scream for all he was worth, Kate began to cry even harder. He was perfect and absolutely beautiful.

Once he was somewhat clean, they wrapped him up and brought him close to her so she could touch him as she lay there and it was the most amazing feeling to actually see and touch a child of her own body. The tears that had become uncontrollable disappeared and she forgot everything except that tiny human being with the dark curls, puffy little face, and small blue black eyes.

He was absolutely alert and once they had him wrapped up he quit screaming and began to look all around as if this new world was fascinating. Even at one minute old there was something about him that definitely reminded her of Jason. That was the only thing she desperately wished at this moment; that Jason had been there and she whispered, “Jason, we finally got our little Kennen. He’s as beautiful as you.”

She wasn’t sure when she’d decided she was going to name him Kennen, but somehow it was right and she never questioned it.

As she watched him and held him to her, the doctor was still doing something to her tummy, but she hardly even noticed it as she marveled at her son. They let her have him for several minutes and then whisked him away to the neonatal nursery to be thoroughly checked out and left her with the physicians who were still putting her back together.

Now that the raging rush of adrenaline from those few intense minutes began to ebb, she was unbelievably tired. The shivering had finally begun to subside and the fear she’d been struggling with dissipated and she closed her eyes, just for a second. It was heaven to finally be able to rest.

They finished with what she assumed was stitching her closed and then wheeled her from the room she was in and back into another patient room further down the wing. This one was very nice with a recliner next to the bed and a rocking chair under the window.

A new nurse came in to help her get comfortable and this time she didn’t feel abandoned by the others as she had last time. The nurse settled Kate, dimmed the lights and left her alone for a few minutes to rest from the most stressful day of her entire life.

Now that it was quiet, her mind went back to her father’s death and then shied away from that and went to thoughts of Jason. Part of her wanted to shy away from him too, but another part of her heart wanted to dwell on him on this night their baby son had been born. Kate closed her eyes. Jason would have really, really loved their son.

Sometime later, the nurse woke her to take her temperature and blood pressure and when Kate opened her eyes, John was sitting in the recliner beside her bed in the dim lights. He stood up when he realized she was awake and stepped over to the side of her bed and reached for her hand. “You’ve had quite a day, Kate. Remind me not to let you out of my sight again. How are you feeling?”

She smiled tiredly. “Thrashed. Did you see him?” John nodded. “He’s marvelous, isn’t he?”

“Yes Kate, he is.”

“Have they decided he’s all right yet?”

“They told me he’s holding his own. But just to be sure, when you aren’t feeding him, they’d like to have him back in the nursery to keep an eye on him. It’s actually you they’re most concerned with. For some reason you’re running a mild fever.”

“I wondered if I had a fever. I’m cold. They’re going to let me have him in here with me?” It sounded silly when she said it, but the thought of taking care of him by herself scared her to death.

John laughed softly. “Of course they will, Kate. You’re his mother. Did you think they wouldn’t?”

She sighed. “Honestly, John, after the day I’ve had. I don’t think anything. My brain has gone into overdrive and then sprung something. I’m clueless.”

“I’m so sorry about your father.”

Tears came to her eyes. “Me too.” She leaned her head back. “I think his baby daughter getting pregnant and then leaving was very troubling to him. I keep wondering if I somehow caused this.”

John shook his head. “Kate, you have enough on your plate to deal with right now without borrowing more grief. Don’t beat yourself up. A blood clot is simply a physiological fact. It’s nobody’s fault. More likely this was the Lord’s way of calling him home when He needed him.”

She wiped at her tears. “I hope Kennen’s birthday doesn’t bring bad memories every year.”

“It won’t Kate, because you won’t let it. You’ll be a wonderful mother who will make sure you celebrate his birth. Some grief will be inevitable, but in time you’ll learn to remember the good times instead of focusing on the loss.”

“In some ways, he died long ago. When he was hit, so much of who he was disappeared. He hated being stuck in that bed. He hated it with a passion, but the spinal damage made it almost impossible for him to use a wheel chair.”

“Then maybe his passing is a blessing. I’ve heard when we’re resurrected we’ll be whole and healthy and in our prime again. Maybe he’s already stretching his legs and running around up there.”

Smiling tiredly, she said, “That’s a nice thought isn’t it?”

He let go of her hand and went back to the chair. “You’re still tired, Kate. Close your eyes and rest. It won’t be long before Kennen is going to want his midnight snack. You’d better sleep while you can.”

“I think you’re right. And I am tired. Thank you for coming John. You have no idea how nice it is not to be alone right now.”

“Actually, I do have a bit of an idea.” He smiled sadly. “And I owe you. Not to mention the fact that I’ve waited patiently to hold this little guy for a long time. I’m almost glad he didn’t wait until he was due. It’ll be nice to hold him as long as I can.”

Kate didn’t answer that. She didn’t know how and she closed her eyes, wondering how many sad things a person could handle at one time. She prayed silently, “Father, help me to be able to bear up under it all. I’m not sure I’m strong enough, but I will be if You help me. And thanks for helping the baby to get here safely. He’s such a miracle. Thanks.”

After her prayer, her thoughts went back to the sweet, beautiful baby she’d delivered earlier. She wished so much that Jason could have been a part of it all. He would have been so thrilled to have a son.

The next time she woke up, John was still sitting in the chair, but this time he had a small white bundle with a tiny hat in his arms and he was talking quietly to it. Kate lay there and it made her smile. It’s too bad his own children hadn’t turned out like him. He was a good man. She closed her eyes again to listen to him as he told Kennen all about the night he’d had. All Kennen said in return was a series of soft slurping noises as he busily sucked at something.

At some distant point in her brain, she realized she was going to have to learn how to feed this baby. She decided not to worry about that right now, she was too tired.

It wasn’t long before Kennen decided she needed to start worrying. He’d finally decided he wanted more than John’s soft spoken conversation and began to fuss and by the time Kate was half way awake, he began to cry in earnest.

As a nurse came in, John got up and carefully put him back in the bassinet that sat beside the bed and then came to Kate to help her figure out how to raise the head of her bed. For the first time, she felt pain from the large incision that now graced her low belly and she drew in a breath. This might be way more of a feat than she had bargained for. Although, in retrospect, she’d do it again in a heart beat if that’s what the baby needed to get oxygen to his little brain.

Between the three of them, they got her sitting up and then John decided to go to the coffee shop for something and the nurse began to help Kate learn how to nurse the baby. It was not as easy as she’d imagined and she was grateful John had given her some privacy.

Kennen didn’t eat for long, but it was apparently enough because he ate and then went right to sleep there in her arms. The nurse was still there hovering and Kate knew she wanted to take him back to the nursery, but Kate held onto him for a minute. He was the closest she’d ever felt to heaven and he even smelled that way.

When John came back in, he smiled as he stood next to the bed and watched her with Kennen. Reaching out one finger, he gently touched the soft curls on the baby’s head. “He’s got your curls, Kate. He’s about the cutest baby I’ve ever seen, I believe.”

“He is beautiful, isn’t he? But then all babies must be. How could they not?”

“No, you’re right, but he’s a very handsome baby. Do we need to let them take him back to the nursery?”

At his question the nurse interrupted them to encourage them to send him back just so nurses and doctors who were very familiar with newborns could keep an eye on him and Kate reluctantly handed him over. She noticed the name on the card at the end of his bassinet as they wheeled him out. Baby Garland. In a way, she was so grateful for that last name, but in a way, that was all wrong. That should have read Baby Falcon.

She read on to take her mind from the baby’s last name and realized for the first time that he must have weighed five pounds thirteen ounces. That wasn’t a bad weight for a baby who was a month early.

She went back to sleep and dreamed disjointed dreams between nurses coming in to take her vitals. Her dad was there with the baby and then Jason was there talking to John and holding her hand. She even had dreams of Kennen fussing and then woke up to realize it was true and the nurse was back with a very hungry baby

John was still in the recliner, but now it was fully reclined and he slept under a blanket one of the nurses had brought him. Kate thought again about how grateful she was that he was here with her. That had been very kind of him to fly all the way across the country to help her with another man’s child.

With the nurse’s help, she got the baby fed and burped and then held him again for a few more minutes. She held him right up near her face. He smelled incredible. He was the only human on the planet who smelled even better than his father. She touched the soft curls. Kennen was Jason’s color with her own natural curl. She nudged a teeny tiny finger. He truly was absolutely perfect.

Despite the antibiotics that were dripping into her IV catheter, her fever began to climb and she went from unbelievably sore at the incision site, to all around feeling miserable. She alternated between burning up under the sheets to freezing under a pile of blankets as the doctors did all kinds of tests to find out where the infection was.

To be safe, they had her stop nursing the baby in case she made him sick, but they still wanted her to produce milk so they brought her an electric breast pump. Even ill, she was sad not to be able to nurse him and insisted she be able to at least be the one to bottle feed him.

As the fever climbed, John hovered and he ended up taking all the phone calls from her mom and sister when they called to check on her or to let her know what was going on with funeral arrangements.

Kate was so sick that the days began to blur together and ultimately, they took her back into surgery to figure out where the infection was. When she woke up, she was sore all over again and told they were going to have to bury her dad before they would let her out of here. She didn’t know what she would have done without John there to talk to her as she grieved all over again.

John became even more attentive and he literally helped her to hold the baby so she could continue to be the one to feed him. Now that the baby had been declared healthy and strong enough for sure, John spent a huge amount of his time sitting in the chair beside her just holding him. Kate didn’t know if the baby helped the headaches, or if John just didn’t notice the pain when he held him. At any rate, Kate’s second surgery cemented a rock solid bond between John and Kennen.

The morning of the funeral, she kept Kennen with her the whole time. It was the only way she could keep herself from breaking right down and crying herself to sleep. At least they’d found that the infection was in the muscles and the skin of her abdomen and not her uterus as they’d feared. It was going to be much easier to treat, although she now had a tube that drained out of a hole in her incision. Telling her she’d be able to nurse Kennen again the next day helped as well.

                                          ***

Jason sat in the pew of the church in Wye and tried to swallow his shock and disappointment. She hadn’t even come to her own father’s funeral. He’d never dreamed in a million years she would blow off something as important as this. Her mother had told his that she’d had a problem in an airport somewhere as she was trying to get here and that she was now in the hospital out in California, but there was a part of him that wondered if that could possibly be true. The Kate he knew would have had to be half dead to miss something like her own father’s funeral.

He was so disappointed he was sick. He’d just known he was finally going to get to see her. It had been six and a half months since she’d disappeared from his life that night in Lubbock. The whole time he helped to carry the casket to the hearse, and then through the graveside service, he was still sick about it, and had to wonder if the real reason she had stayed away was him. He’d never dreamed she’d miss her own father’s funeral.