Everything I Learned About Life, I Learned in Dance Class (11 page)

My mom and dad were older than the norm when they had me. So they raised me to be independent because they didn’t know how long they’d be around. My dad, George L. Miller, died a horrible death from esophageal cancer on Father’s Day in 2000. My mom, Maryen Lorrain Miller, passed away while I was working on this book, February 8, 2014. I think parents today do way too much for their kids. They forget that one day they’re not going to be there and their kids are going to have to function on their own. Some parents do everything for their children—from doing their homework for them or, at the very least, writing a note to the teacher letting him know that they were up late the night before and didn’t get their homework finished. Or if the kid doesn’t want to go to Susie’s party, Mom calls and makes excuses for the kid instead of giving the kid the phone and saying, “You call Susie and tell her you’re not going to her party.” Now,
my
parents would have insisted I go to Susie’s party because we had already RSVP’d and bought her a gift. Parents tend to handle everything for their kids—they become their assistants. They let them get away with too much, instead of having their kids man up, face issues head-on, and deal with their own problems.

If my daughter came home and said she wanted a solo, I would make her go ask the dance teacher herself. If a mother calls me asking me if her daughter can have a solo, I’ll tell her a hundred reasons why she can’t have a solo. I want the kid to come to me, not the parent. I believe in throwing the kid into the pool, maybe with water wings, but throw him in. If you’re afraid of letting a kid fly on a plane by himself when he’s fourteen, then buy a plane ticket and follow him. Be fifty feet behind that kid, but let him do it himself and see how he does from a distance.

Have you raised your kids to survive on their own or are you doing everything in your power to keep this world a safe place for them where no one will ever call them a name, and no one is going to pull the chair out from under them, and no one is ever going to beep at them on the highway? I’ll ask a student a question in the studio and the parent will blurt out the answer! When that happens, I say, “If she’s merging onto the 405, and I’m behind her on the freeway entrance ramp and my horn is going full blast, is Daddy going to run out and stop traffic so she can merge onto the freeway?” No! Let your kids figure it out now! Train them now and force them to man up!

BUMPS, BRUISES, AND BREAKS HAPPEN

Dancers and athletes especially will fall, get whacked on the head, twist, sprain, and fracture things. I know moms want to kiss away every boo-boo, but that’s not what your kid needs. In life, your first literal or metaphorical tumble won’t be your last. And usually your ego hurts more than your injury.

Bumps, bruises, and breaks happen! You’re enrolling in a physical activity where injury is likely to occur. It’s very important when choosing a studio and the right teacher to find out what the floors are made of. Are the ceilings high enough? Is the studio a safe environment? Are there poles your kid might run into? All these things and more go into injury prevention.

Some kids are built stronger than others. Some kids have thicker skin than others. Is your child mentally and physically prepared for this activity? There will be bruises to her ego and hurt feelings. She will most likely have girlfriend issues. The old clichés “Two’s company, three’s a crowd” or “She’s a fifth wheel” can play a role. Girls can be really cruel. Sometimes the reason your daughter may not want to go to dance class is because of mean girls.

If your daughter is dancing for recreational purposes and coming to dance class only once a week for fun, there shouldn’t be any injuries. If she’s coming two or three days a week and she’s involved, there might be an accident here or there. If there is core training, and your kid is training on cement or tile floors four or five days a week, you will have a problem. That’s why it’s so important to take a look at the floors before signing your daughter up for dance classes. Go to a facility that has special shock-absorbing floors designed for dance.

Your kid’s feet are going to have a problem if you purchase cheap pointe shoes online instead of listening to your child’s teacher and buying the right pointe shoes, which include a proper fitting.

It’s important that your kid receives proper technical training that’s even on the right and left side of her body. During a normal classroom session, your kid should be working both sides of her body to keep her alignment even.

If your body is telling you it hurts, then you need to stop and rest. If it’s just one part of your body, then rest that part of your body, but just because you have to rest that part of your body doesn’t mean everything else can’t continue to work. If your daughter has a sprained ankle, she can still walk on her hands. She can still do elbow stands or chin stands in acrobatic class. She can still get her body into a split. As long as she isn’t putting pressure on that ankle, she’s okay. She can lie on her back and elevate her feet up in the air to do a hundred sit-ups every hour. She can get in a push-up position and put the sore foot up across the other foot behind the ankle and do push-ups with one foot.

If a kid is truly sick with pneumonia or chicken pox, she can’t get all sweaty and gross in dance class. But she can lie in bed and watch old Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire movies and a
Dance Moms
marathon. She can study. She can read dance books and work on their terminology and vocabulary. She can continue learning to be a better dancer, even when she’s sick.

You don’t want to “work through the pain” with children because it can cause irreversible damage to their bodies. But you don’t want to coddle them either. You want to acknowledge that your child is hurt—her right knee is bruised or twisted, or she tore her cartilage and has to go to therapy. But in the meantime, you want to point out to your child that there’s nothing wrong with her
left
knee. You want to deal with and address the pain by seeing your child’s doctor and getting an opinion, but you want her to continue to train the rest of her body. Some kids are so tight that they can lose their flexibility in just a month.

Dear Abby:

For the most part, all the moms at our dance studio are very helpful and supportive, but we have one mom who gossips and spreads rumors about our girls and some of their parents. How can we put a stop to this?

One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. Do not let this woman affect your child’s education. You can decide to take the high road; be the better person and don’t say anything at all. What goes around comes around. Let the gossip gods take care of her.

Abby

OH, GROW UP!

They say patience is a virtue. I’m not so sure. Am I supposed to have patience with the kids? Yes, I’m a teacher, and that’s my job. But patience with the parents? I just don’t have time. Every moment I spend explaining myself, and the method to my madness, takes away from the time that I spend teaching their children. They don’t understand me, nor do they care when it comes to competition. They like to take credit for their children’s success. Never will they admit that I’m right. They want all the glory with none of the work!

Every child peaks at a different age. Some win every single competition before they are twelve, and then they crash and burn. Others might work and work and work and never win one title. But in the long run, all the sweat equity they put in over the years prepared them for the professional world, including the rejection. You can’t predict the future and force it to happen. Yet parents still feel the need to call me and tell me how to do my job. And I warn you, telling any dance teacher how to teach is definitely setting your kid up for failure. I get that you’re emotionally invested and that you don’t like to see your child upset or disappointed. But it won’t kill her, I promise you. It will make her stronger, more hungry for the win. No matter how much money you pay, or how many times you drive your kid to a dance class, ultimately your child is the one who has to get out on that stage and compete all by herself. Protecting her is hurting her. If your kid truly has what it takes, she will do it. She was destined to be onstage. And if she doesn’t, she will enjoy a wonderful dance education anyway.

I admit there may have been one or two situations when a mom has made a good point or brought something to my attention that I was unaware of. But for the most part, I think kids handle competition much better than their parents do. Have you noticed? The kids are not usually the ones crying, screaming, and throwing tantrums.

So here’s some advice: stop acting like a spoiled little brat. The “Mommy, I want it now” behavior is unbecoming. When kids come to an audition after being lazy and sitting on their butts all summer long, do they
really
think that they’re the best? Do they
really
think they’re going to be what I’m looking for? No! Even though I never had children of my own, I have raised hundreds of other people’s kids. These kids need to figure it out for themselves. Be wiser and make better choices. Kids must learn that they can’t improve if they miss classes, rehearsals, and workshops.

Years ago, dance studios were more like glorified babysitters, where people dropped their kids off and went to the mall, or home to make dinner and clean their houses. Now parents have time to stay. They want to watch, critique, gossip, have their noses in everything. They’re living vicariously through their kids. I don’t think they want to be their kids, they just want to provide their offspring with everything they didn’t have when they were children. In some cases, they did try to excel, but it didn’t work out well. Now they’re just married with kids, living in the burbs and realizing they “never made it.” Maybe they wanted to be a star when they were young. Who knows? I feel like a lot of these parents don’t want their kids to grow up; they want to keep them little so they can continue to mold them.

My dad told me every day that I was dumb enough to be a twin. I think he meant I was dim enough for two people. I guess I must’ve been a beautiful baby because my parents didn’t feel the need to constantly tell me that I was beautiful, but everyone else did. I hear these mothers telling their kids they are so pretty over and over, all day, every day. Don’t get me wrong; in this business, pretty helps. Dancers from around the world audition for me and attend my master classes. There are some angelic faces that light up the room. There are kids so stunning the cameraman focuses on them. And then there are those exotic, interesting looks that capture your attention too. I can easily spot a child with the right
look
. Parents, be careful. Don’t you want your child to be more than just another pretty face? Don’t you want her to have a brain, personality, and talent? Be very careful that she doesn’t rely on her looks to get her through life. It’s nice when doors open easily but substance is important once you’re on the inside. And remember, pretty is only skin deep, ugly is to the bone.

Kids are less independent now than they were years ago. Before, we all rode our bikes to the store without helmets! We went out in the woods and knew to come home when the streetlights came on. Nobody had a cell phone back then—our parents didn’t know our whereabouts 24-7 like they do today. And guess what? Most of us survived just fine—in fact, better than just fine.

The problem with kids today is that their parents do everything for them. I think they aren’t going to be the nurses and doctors who give me my medicine in the old folks’ home. They aren’t going to be able to function on their own.

ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?

Channeling Your Kid’s Passion

Answer the questions below honestly to see if you are helping or hindering your child’s talent. Then see how you rate.

1. Your daughter is always dancing around your house, singing into a hairbrush. You:

A. Tell her to keep it down. The neighbors will complain.

B. Hire Britney Spears’s manager for her and move to L.A.

C. Enroll her in some dance and voice lessons, so she can learn correctly.

2. Your child sees a cooking show on TV and decides she wants to make you a four-course dinner. You:

A. Tell her you’re on a diet.

B. Call Rachael Ray—maybe she’s available for private coaching?

C. Supervise the oven and chopping but let her experiment and wow the family with a feast.

3. Your son loves baseball and says he wants to play in the big leagues one day. You:

A. Offer to take him to a Pittsburgh Pirates game so he can see how far he has to go.

B. Sign him up to play with a league—and bribe the coach to show him some special attention.

C. Get him a glove, ball, and bat and take him out in the backyard to practice.

4. Your daughter is obsessed with cutting her Barbie’s hair. You:

A. Refuse to buy her another doll unless she stops butchering the ones she has.

B. Suggest she practice instead on real live models—maybe her BFF needs a new ’do?

C. Take her to a salon and let her watch how stylists really cut and color hair.