Everything I Learned About Life, I Learned in Dance Class (14 page)

Abby

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

When a parent pokes her nose in, I want to slam the door on it. A child needs to understand that in life, you need to be your own advocate. You need to speak up if you believe in something strongly. I love it when a kid comes to me and says, “Hey, Miss Abby, I would really love a solo! I’ll work hard. I won’t let you down. I want to take a risk!” After Asia showed up on our team, Mackenzie was feeling like an afterthought (her “injury” didn’t help matters—I’m not doubting the doctor’s diagnosis, but the timing was suspect). We had an opportunity to perform on
The View
, and I had to choose between Asia and Mackenzie. I knew ’Kenzie was dying to be on
The View
, but I hadn’t heard a peep out of her. Finally, she came to me and said, “Miss Abby, I’m ready to dance. Please let me do it.” And that’s why I chose her. Because she stood up for herself.

Mackenzie
was
ready, but lots of kids ask for things they are definitely
not
ready for. And lots of parents ask for lots of things their kids just aren’t ready for. Jill is always nagging me to give Kendall a solo. I’ve never understood why on earth a parent would want to humiliate her child. Why would she not trust the teacher (whose knowledge she is paying for, right?) to choose who deserves a solo this week? Dancing around your living room is one thing; spending money to dance on a stage at a competition to get judged by professionals is something completely different. And I find it’s always the same old scenario: The child with all the talent who would be an excellent ALDC member has been awarded to parents who aren’t interested, can’t afford it, or simply don’t give a damn. The child with absolutely zero natural talent is usually blessed with overzealous parents who can’t see past the rhinestones. They will pay for countless private lessons, they will persist, and they will wear you down until you start to see Precious Penelope through their eyes and eventually give in. Wouldn’t you be better off to let
me
make the call? Let
me
teach Penny and put her onstage when she’s ready to take home the overall high score solo place rather than fall flat on her face?

DANCE MOMS
—THE INSIDE SCOOP!

On the Bus

I love all my dancers! A tyke toddles into the studio with a big pink bow in her hair the size of her head. She doesn’t know her right foot from her left, but she knows I am her teacher. Together we will learn and love and lose and laugh. If all goes well, in approximately fifteen years that accomplished young protégée will walk out the door to begin a professional dance career and I can proudly put another feather in my cap. I really do always have my students’ best interests at heart. I want them to discover that they can do far more than they ever imagined. Whether that means landing a job on Broadway, performing in a Las Vegas Cirque show, or touring with a pop star.

Here are my nicknames for my girls on
Dance Moms
, and what they’re usually up to while we’re taking those long bus trips to competitions every weekend:

• 
Magnificent Maddie.
Maddie is calm, cool, and collected. She’s usually watching YouTube dance videos—or creating her own.

• 
Party Paige.
Paige is fun and sweet, and always the life of the party. However, there are rules for a reason; you shouldn’t be standing up on a bus that’s going 65 miles an hour.

• 
Brooding Brooke.
Brooke is either sleeping or slouching, and she loves to sing. I just wish she would take her ear buds out long enough to hear my roar.

• 
Rock Star Mackenzie.
Mackenzie is very vocal. “Are we there yet? How much longer until we’re there and when are we going to get off this bus?” She makes rubber bracelets, silly home movies, and typically wastes hours of her valuable time.

• 
The Good Kid Nia.
Nia is always watching a movie, reading a book, or keeping Mackenzie in line.

• 
Pretty and Impetuous Kendall.
Kendall is probably looking at herself in the mirror, putting on makeup, or shopping online.

• 
Clever, Queenly Chloe.
Chloe is always with the tutor in the front of the bus. It seems like she monopolizes the tutor’s time.

When the show initially started, all the girls were friends. There has never been an odd man out, but the way they pair up on the bus is quite interesting. Nia and Mackenzie are thick as thieves. Brooke, being the oldest, sits with Maddie, probably because they’re boring. Chloe and Paige are silly blondes—there you have it.

I make my rules very clear on the bus. There is no clapping, snapping, or patty-caking. No screaming, shrieking, or loud giggling will be tolerated. Don’t get me wrong. If something funny happens on that bus, we’re all going to chuckle. But let me tell you, listening to a bus full of little girls giggling for five hours straight is going to grate on anyone’s nerves. If we’re in my car and I’m driving, that’s a whole other set of rules.

The girls keep themselves busy on the bus. They have fun. They FaceTime. They make Video Stars. They play games. They even play cards. I wish they would use that time more wisely by working on their dance terminology and history and watching some classic dance movies. Sometimes the entire bus watches movies together, which is fine; you have to make the time pass quickly or you will all go insane.

The production crew sits in the front of the bus where it smells fresh and clean. The cast has to sit in the back, by the bathroom. When I was a kid all the cool kids sat in the back of the bus, but this is not a ski trip in high school with a hot guy. This is work, and I sit in the middle so I can yell at the bus driver, keep the crew in check, and keep an eye on each of the moms.

Speaking of the moms, here’s what they’re usually up to on the bus:

• 
Holly
is either on the computer or reading.

• 
Christi
is on the phone fighting with somebody, probably the production company about something.

• 
Melissa
is loud and talky-talky to everyone on the bus, even when they’re trying to sleep.

• 
Kelly
is either screaming at her children or sleeping. But you can bet her feet are tucked up underneath her on the seat.

• 
Jill
is sweet and looks in the mirror a lot, just like her daughter Kendall.

I’ve experienced all kinds of children in a wave. Many are sugar and spice and everything nice in the classroom, then somehow unbeknownst to me they turn into holy terrors telling tales outside of school! I thought the class went great and everyone got equal attention and their share of corrections. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until the little sweetie got Mom and Dad all fired up over something that happened, something that was said or something someone did to their oh-so-innocent child. The perfect parents have filled up my in-box with their nonsensical e-mails and used up all the voice mail space in my cell phone. And made complete fools of themselves on the studio’s answering machine eleven times over. I expect them to barge into the studio screaming and yelling at me first, then at every other parent. Now, my old-school mom and dad would have never reacted in that manner. They would have told me to handle it; after all, it’s my world and I have to live in it every day. It’s up to the crybaby to take charge of the situation herself by saying something: “I don’t really need to be your friend anymore,” or “You’re really nasty,” or “I hear you keep talking about me. If you have something to say, say it to my face.”

I think a lot of the fighting and bickering that happens between moms stems from their own kids. I have to blame the parents too. They should stop their kids from complaining to them about anything and everything dance related. When competition plays a key role in your child’s activities, you are playing with fire. The dancer, athlete, or scholar should redirect her issues to her coach, choreographer, or professor. I don’t claim to be a doctor of psychology but I do know kids. On occasion even the best kids need a little extra attention from Mom and Dad. They want to ensure that you have their back, that you would go to the ends of the earth to protect them. So when they raise a ruckus, they never ever conceive that whining to Mom and Dad would cause a chain reaction that gets them expelled from their dance school and thrown off the team. Be careful what you wish for!

Children need to be independent. They need to fight their own battles themselves because they’re never going to learn if Mom and Dad try to fix every little thing. If a kid is a troublemaker and is starting problems—like the kid who thinks it’s great fun to play other kids against each other in groups (and I’ve had many of those)—the mom and dad are usually completely unaware of it. They have this little con artist who is wise way beyond her years and they have no idea. They think their whippersnapper is clever like clover. She’s actually a little devil and she’s starting trouble and she’s a constant problem. Attention parents: if your child is only eight and already marked with the scarlet letter, you’re in for much bigger problems ahead.

I try to encourage my dancers to come to me and work out their problems instead of running to their parents. Often they don’t even need to come to me and start a conversation or be verbal about it. They just need to show me in their will to work, show me in their technique, show me by arriving early and warming up and being ready to go as soon as class starts. This proves to me that they’re eager beavers and they are going to nail this number. That way there’s no need for a conversation or any drama.

Bottom line—don’t fight all your kid’s battles. If you allow yourself to get caught in the middle of that whole girlfriend thing by calling the other mother, you’re going to look pretty ridiculous the next day when the kids are best friends again. Just let your kid figure it out on her own, live and learn, and laugh at it all.

ABBY’S ULTIMATE ADVICE

Three Key Points to Remember

1. Mother doesn’t always know best. In fact, chances are your dance instructor knows a lot more about dance than you or your mother.

2. Be patient—when you’re ready to progress, your instructor will take you to the next level.

3. Learn about theater etiquette. Say please and thank you. Help out your teammates. Be nice, but stand up for yourself when necessary.

FIFTH POSITION
ÉCARTÉ

When There’s a Crown on Your Head, Someone’s Always Watching

A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.

—Coco Chanel

I AM A STICKLER
for manners and etiquette. I don’t understand why most parents are not. Your child is a representative of you, your family, and her upbringing. Did you raise her in a beautiful home in the suburbs or a barn?

The moment a crown is placed on your pretty little head, you must stand up straight! Instantly you are in the spotlight, and everybody’s watching you. They examine your entrance, they study your stride, they observe the obvious. So you better not pick your nose, burp, slouch, put your elbows on the table, or try to eat all your meat at once without cutting it one piece at a time. You need to use the correct fork, pass the rolls in the right direction (counterclockwise), and be well-versed in appropriate topics for dinner conversation. In other words, when you teach your kid to say “Mama” and “Dada,” the next words should be “please” and “thank you.”

Nothing irks me more than a kid who acts like she’s got something coming to her—that she’s
entitled
. I am not your servant, and I deserve to be asked and answered with respect. If someone does something nice for you or gives you a gift, send a thank-you note
immediately
. Cross your ankles, put your hands in your lap, and be a good role model to everybody else. One more thing: you can’t smoke, or drink, or swear when you’re wearing a tiara on top.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Stand like the world is at your feet.

Dear Abby:

The studio my daughter dances at actually makes us request vacation time well in advance, and then we can only take a vacation if they approve it! This seems a bit extreme to me. Is it normal for a dance studio to ask parents to put in a request for a family vacation?

I really don’t care when you go on vacation as long as your daughter/son on my competition team is available to rehearse and prepare for our national competition. You and your husband don’t have to go. The rest of the family can stay home. You can go wherever you want, but that kid better be with me. So, yes, the studio is right—when we attend Nationals in New York City, Las Vegas, or Orlando, we block all the summer dates. They should give you their dates too that are not available for a family vacation. You don’t practice and prepare all year from September to June only to get to July and have to rechoreograph all the routines because someone decided to go to Ocean City, New Jersey.