Every Tongue Got to Confess (8 page)

The first colored man that went to heben was John. So John goes up there walking. So he knocked. They ast him who he was. He said, “John.”

“From where?”

“Alabama.”

“Riding or walking?”

“Walking.”

“Don’t allow any walkers here.”

So on his way back to Alabama he met a white man walking. He said, “Cap, where you going—to heben?”

He said yes.

“They don’t allow no walkers there, so you ride me up there and we both will get in.” So he rode John on up to heben and knocked.

“Who’s that?”

“White man.”

“From where?”

“Mississippi.”

“Riding or walking?”

“Riding.”

“Hitch your horse and come in.”

Left John still out. Says the Good Book in heben no filth is found. So there was some old sacks outside of heben where they had been scrubbing the streets and the floors. So John began to study. So he taken one of the sacks and throwed it just as far in heben as he could. So the angels called him in to get that sack out of heben. So he goes in like he was going to get the sack (gesture of swift flight). And down Hallelujah Street! So down Amen Street picking them up and laying them down! So he come to Jerusalem Street and down the street! Throwing them in and curving round! So at the foot of Jerusalem Street was the Sea of Glass. Out on the Sea of Glass John went—breaking glass. The Lord was out there skating and asked, “What’s the matter? What’s the matter?”

They said, “This nigger throwed a sack in here and we was after him to make him take it out again.”

The Lord said, “Never mind ’bout the sack. Just leave that nigger alone before he tear up heben.”

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

One time five niggers went tuh heben at one time, which is something don’t happen often. Soon’s dey got dere Gabull (Gabriel) fixed ’em all up wid robes an’ wings an’ everything, an’ set ’em down in some golden cheers.

Four of ’em set dere; but one nigger tole ’em: “Shucks, Ah got tuh git up an’ try out dese wings.”

De others tole ’im, “You betta set down lak Gabull tole us. He’ll tell us whut tuh do nex’.”

“He don’t need tuh tell me whut tuh do. He done gimme de wings, ain’t he? They mine now, an’Ah’m gointer
use
’em. Watch me skim roun’ dat tree uh life thout tetchin’ uh leaf.”

He got up an’ he flew thisa way an’ thata way. They had a whole heap uh lights an’ big vases settin’ roun’ an’ de other
niggers says tuh him, “You betta be keerful, cause you liable tuh knock down some uh dem hangin’ lamps uh knock over some uh dem fine vases!”

“Oh naw, I won’t neither.” He flew round an’ round. He’d go way up, den fold his wings lak uh buzzard an’ drop straight down; he’d dart under dem hangin’ lights an’ round dem vases. After while he says, “Watch me skim right cross de Sea uh Glass an’ round de throne an’ right cross God’s nose thout tetchin’ it. Jus’ watch me.”

He zipped off an’ knocked down two or three lights an’ fell intuh uh row uh dem vases an’ knocked ’em all down an’ skidded right upon de throne befo’ he could git straight. God didn’t say nothin’. He just looked at him. But Gabull knowed what to do. He come over tuh ’im an’ snatched off his wings an’ set ’im down so hard till it almost bust his robe, an’ tole ’im: “Now, you set dere till I tell yuh to move, an’ you ain’t gointuh git no mo’ wings neither.”

His friends say, “Unhunh! We tole you you wuz gointuh keep on till you break somethin’. Now look at yuh. Ain’t got no wings. Everybody got wings but you.”

“Oh, I don’t keer,” he says, “but I sho wuz uh flyin’ fool when I had ’em.”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER
.

When all the prophets died and all of them went to heaven and they all got wings, one day one of the angels opened the door and let Simon Peter and all the rest out and told them to be back at two o’clock. All of the rest of the prophets came back at two o’clock except Simon Peter. At three o’clock Simon Peter came back and knocked at the door of heaven. The doorkeeper asked who it was. Simon Peter said, “Simon Peter.” The doorkeeper told him that he couldn’t come in and asked him where had he been. Simon Peter told him that he had been flying around. The doorkeeper asked him
then why didn’t he come back with the others and told him that he had come too late and couldn’t get in.

Simon Peter said, “I forgot what time to come back and I don’t care if you don’t let me in for I was a flying fool when I was in there.”

—E
D
M
ORRIS.

Once a stingy man died and went up to heaven. When he got to the gates Peter ast him whut good had he ever done. He thought awhile then he says: “One time I saw a little girl crying and I ast her whut’s de matter, and she says I lost my neckel, so I give her three cents and went on.”

Peter says, “John, look on de books and see if that’s on dere.”

John looked and says, “Yes, he done it.”

Peter says, “Is dat all de good ye ever done?”

Says, “No, another time I seen a little boy crying and I ast him whut wuz de matter, and he said I lost my nickel, so I give him two cents and went on.”

“John, see if that’s dere.” So it was.

“So dat all you ever done good?” So he said yes.

John says, “Is you goin’ let him in, Peter?”

Peter thought a while, “No, give him his damn nickel back and let him gwan to hell.”

—C
HRISTOPHER
J
ENKINS.

Said there wuz a white man had a girl and she died, but he told her he would meet her in heaven. So after a while he went on up, but he couldn’t git in.

Said there was a nigger up there flying around outside of heaven trying out his wings. So he met the white fellow. Tole the nigger boy, says, “Here’s some dice. Let’s shoot some for a dollar.”

So the boy says he didn’t have no dollar. White man says he’ll shoot each wing for fifty cents. So he won the first fifty cents; so
he decided to shoot again, so he lost that one, too. So he says, “Guess I’ll try my wings again,” so he throwed twelve. So he says, “Didn’t I win?” and the white fellow says, “No, you know damn well you crapped.” So de poor boy lost—that’s all of that.

—C
HRISTOPHER
J
ENKINS.

You know, when folks die an’ go up tuh heben, they has tuh keer long uh piece uh crayon an’ God got uh great big blackboard an’ He makes you go tuh de blackboard while John reads off yo’ sins out de Big Book, an’ you has tuh write ’em down. Den God looks over ’em an’ if they ain’t many an’ ain’t too bad, He lets yuh stay in heben. If not, you get sent on tuh hell.

Well, my uncle died ’bout twenty years ago an’ went on up. He wuz uh big preacher an’ everybody said he sho wuz gointer git uh good seat on de right hand side, right up tuh de throne. But last week somebody died an’ went up an’ met my uncle on de way back to de earth tuh git some more chalk.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

There was a man went to heaven and a man told him if he start to stealing he would go to hell. And he said, “Each person in the world has a lamp, and if your lamp is low you are going to hell.”

The man seen that his lamp was low, and he went to stealing oil out of the people’s lamps, puttin it in to his—and he went to hell.

—D
AVIS
L
EVERETT.

One time a man died and had uh brother, and his brother loved him uh whole lots.

So after he wuz dead, his brother called up heaven on the
telephone and ast tuh speak tuh his brother. Peter tole him tuh wait uh minute cause he didn’t remember nobody of dat description, so he tole him tuh hold de line uh minute.

He tole John tuh look on de book an’ see if dat nigger wuz dere. John looked but he said he couldn’t find no trace uv him.

So he tole him he had better call up hell and see ef he wuz dere. So he called up hell and ast if his brother wuz dere, and de devil tole him, yes, he wuz dere, and had done got tuh be de head fireman.

—C
LIFFORD
U
LMER
.

Uh nigger died and went tuh heben de same day dat President Harding died. He walked up to heben and knocked on de door. Ole Peter says, “Who comes?”

An’ he tole him, “One.”

An Peter ast him, “Walking or riding?”

An’ he said, “Walking.”

They tole him, “We can’t take nobody in here walking, you hafter come ridin’.” So de nigger turnt round and went back.

Soon after dat he met President Harding going up tuh heben. So he tole him, “You can’t get in dere walking, so you might just as well turn back an’ git something tuh ride.”

Harding stopped a minute, den he said tuh de nigger, “I got uh good scheme, you let me ride you on up tuh heben, and when dey ask me if I’m ridin’ or walkin’, and I tell ’em I’m ridin’, and they’ll tell me to come on in, an’ I’ll ride you on in an’ we both will be there.”

So he rode de nigger on up dere, and de Lord ast him, “Ridin’ or walkin?”

An’ he tole him, “Ridin’.”

So God said, “Hitch your horse on de outside an’ come on in.”

—C
LIFFORD
U
LMER
.

During slavery time Ole Massa had uh nigger name John an’ he wuz uh faithful nigger an’ Ole Massa lakked ’im, too.

Somebody got tuh stealin’ Ole Massa’s corn, so he sent John tuh ketch’im. John saw de somethin’ in dere breakin’ off de years uh corn an’ kep’ droppin’ ’em on de groun’. It wuz uh bear, an’ yuh know uh bear can’t hold but three years at de time. If he break any mo’ he’ll drop all over three. John saw ’im keep breakin’ corn an’ droppin’ one, so he walked up an’ picked up one uh de years an’ says: “Jus’ you break another one now and see whut I’ll do tuh yuh!”

He thought it wuz uh man all dis time. De bear thowed down de corn an’ grabbed John, an’ him an’ dat bear! John finally got ’im by de tail an’ de bear wuz tryin’ tuh git tuh ’im, so dey walked roun’ in uh ring all night long. He wuz skeered tuh turn de bear loose cause if he did, de bear would git ’im. He wuz holding de bear’s tail an’ de bear’s nose jus’ almost tuh tetch ’im in de back.

Daybreak Ole Massa come out tuh see ’bout John an’ he seen de bear an’ John walkin’ roun’ in de ring so tired dey wuz jus’ creepin’. He run up an’ says: “Lemme take holt of ’im, John, whilst you run git help.”

John wuz so tired, he says: “Come here, Massa, now you run in quick an’ grab ’im jus’ so.”

Ole Massa took holt uh de bear’s tail an’ tole John tuh hurry. John staggered off an’ set down on de grass an’ fanned hisself wid his hat. He wuzn’t studyin’ ’bout goin’ fur no help. He wuz too tired.

Ole Massa looked over dere at John on de grass an’ he hollered: “John, you better gwan git help or I’m gwinter turn ’im loose.”

“Turn ’im loose, den. Dat’s whut I tried tuh do all night long, but I couldn’t.”

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

Once in olden times Ole Marster had two niggers, one named John and the other one, Bill. John was his favorite nigger. He was worth twice as much as Bill.

One day Bill ast his Marster for five dollars and Marster told him he ought not to did dat—he ought to ast for two dollars and a half, because he had to give John ten.

Then Bill ast Ole Marster for a suit of clothes and he said: “Bill, you ought not to ast for a suit of clothes—you ought to ast for a pair of pants or a coat, because now I have to give my favorite, John, two suits.”

Bill went out into the crib and went to shelling corn and said: “Lord, tell me something to git away wid Ole Marster.” He prayed a whole hour, but de Lord didn’t tell him a thing. He went off and he said: “I know what I’m going to do. I’m going down amongst the cattle.” And he said, “O devil, tell me something to git away wid Ole Marster.”

De devil popped up right away and said, “Oh, hell! Tell Ole Marster to knock out one uh yo’ eyes, and you know damn well he’ll hafter knock out both uh John’s.”

—J
OE
W
ILEY
(variant of tale from Chaucer).

In slavery time Ole Massa had uh nigger an’ his name wuz John. He uster go stan’ in de chimbley (chimney) corner of nights an’ listen tuh whut Ole Massa say, den he’d go nex’ day an’ tell de other niggers whut tuh do. Ole Massa had done made ’im his foreman anyhow.

One night he heered ’im say, I’m gointuh have dem niggers plow dat bottom tuhmorrow.” Soon ez John got out nex’ mawnin’ he tole de colored folks, “Well, Ole Massa wants y’all tuh plow dat bottom land dis mawnin’. Hit de grit.”

In uh few minutes Ole Massa come out tuh give de orders fuh de day an’ he said: “Well, John I wants you tuh have ’em plow dat bottom land tuhday. He says, “Dat’s jus’ whut I done tole ’em.”

They all looked at one ’nother cause they couldn’t understan’ how John knowed whut Massa wuz gointer say. Massa didn’t know hisself, an’ John kept on doing dat till finally Massa ast John how he done it. John made b’lieve he could tell fortunes an’ read de mind, an’ Ole Massa b’lieved ’im.

One day he says tuh John, “John, looka here. I done bet mah whole plantation on you. Me an’ one uh mah frien’s got tuh arguin’ ’bout you cause I tole ’im you could tell
anything
. He said he bet he could fix somethin’ you couldn’t tell thout seein’ an’ so we got it fixed. He’s gointuh be here in uh few minutes an’ if you make me lose mah plantation, Ah’ll kill yuh.”

Well, after while they called Ole John an’ they had somethin’ under uh turnt-down wash-pot, an’ Ole Massa says tuh John, “Now, John, you tell us whut’s under dat wash-pot.”

John didn’t have de least idee whut wuz under dat pot. He walked round an’ round dat pot an’ scratched his head an’ tried tuh see if he could hear anything tuh give ’im uh lead; but he couldn’t git de slightes’ thing. So finally he give up an’ said, “Well, you got de ole coon dis time.”

He thought sho he wuz gointer git killed, but Ole Massa give uh whoop an’ kicked over de pot and hollered: “I wins, I
knowed he could tell. John you gointuh git yo’ freedom. Now I got two plantations ’stead uh one.”

It wuz uh coon under de pot—but John didn’t know it.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE.
*

After Massa winned offa John, he wanted tuh go way off on de water, an’ he wanted John tuh stay wid Ole Missus; but John went tuh New York some way an’ so when Massa stepped offa de train, dere wuz John waitin’ fuh ’im in de station. He ast ’im, “How did
you
git here, John?”

“Ah run behin’ dat train.”

Massa wuz so took wid dat he didn’t whup John. He jus’ tole ’im tuh gwan back home an’ stay wid Ole Miss. But John slipped on de boat an’ hid hisself an’ slipped off befo’ Ole Massa did, an’ wuz waitin’ fuh ’im on de dock.

Ole Massa’s eyes nearly popped outa his head when he saw John on de dock. He ast ’im, “John, how did you git cross de water?”

“Ah swimmed behind dat ship.”

Massa called all de folks roun’ dere to come see his John. He wuz wringin’ wet jus’ lak he been swimmin’, but he had done wet hisself in de edge uh de water. Whilst they wuz all talkin’ an’ makin’ ’mirations. John seed uh man out in de water uh swimmin’ roun’ an’ cuttin’ up. John hollered tuh ’im he said, “How long you been in dat water?”

Man tole ’im three hours. He said tuh Massa, “Massa, dat man can’t swim none. Git me uh stove an’ some wood an’ rations cause Ah’m gointuh cook an’ eat an’ stay in dere uh month. Uh month ain’t nothin’ uh tall fuh me tuh swim.”

He hollered tuh de man an’ challenged ’im tuh swim wid
’im. De man says he’ll swim wid ’im cause he’s de champeen over dere. Den John hollered back tuh ast ’im how much money he’d swim fuh an’ de man says two thousan’ dollars. By dat time Ole Massa b’lieves John kin do some swimmin’ so he raises de man in de water tuh fifty thousan’ dollars an’ tole John tuh git ready an’ if he lost his money he wuz gointuh kill ’im sho.

“Aw, Ah ain’t gointuh lose yo’ money, Massa. Jus’ you git me de things Ah tole you, an’Ah’ll beat ’im.”

By dat time John wuz skeered tuh death cause everybody went tuh makin’ preparations fuh de big swimmin’ match, an’ he couldn’t swim uh lick. He hollered out tuh de man in de water, “Say, you betta git yo’ self some vittles cause dis ain’t gonna be one uh dem lil baby matches, jus’ gittin out in de water an’ playin’ round six or seben hours. Cain’t hardly git wet thew in dat lil time. Git yo’ self some vittles tuh cook cause we gointuh be swimmin’ fuh months, maybe uh year or two.”

De man come out de water tuh look at John and he quit. He said he couldn’t swim no whole day even—so John winned agin fuh Ole Massa on uh bluff.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

There wuz a man in slavery time always meddling in everything he see. So finally de master said to him, “John, I want you to stay in this room all day and take keer of this box for me. Now, don’t tetch it—don’t bother it in no way, and I’ll give you yo’ freedom.”

Ole Master had done put a young turkey under dat box, and left de window open so John could git some air. De box wuz restin’ on a table.

Well, Master locked John up in de room and went off and set where he could watch.

John set there a little while, then he got to worrying about what wuz under dat box. First he come set side of de box.
Then he set on de box; last he got under de table trying to find out what’s in de box.

Finally he couldn’t stand it no longer and he lift up de box and out flew de turkey and right on out de window. John didn’t know what to do.

After a little while Master came on in and said, “I see you can’t mind yo’ own business; so git back to hoeing.”

—G
EORGE
M
ILLS.

During slavery time Ole Master had uh cane patch and uh bear uster come stealing his cane. One night Ole Master see him himself. He had John along wid ’im, so John says, “Marsa, lemme go kill dat bear fer yuh.”

“No, John, you might git hurt an’ I don’t want you all hurt up. You know I thinks uh whole heap uh you.”

De nex’ night ole John goes down dere atter dat bear unbeknowinst tuh Ole Master. He had never seen uh bear up close, an’ he didn’t know how strong he wuz.

Dat bear grabbed John and wuz wearing him out er dis world, till John broke his holt and put out fuh de big house hollering “Ole Master” at every jump. Round and round dat house, John wid de bear right behind him. Ole Master heered de rookus and looked out and seed de bear an’ shot ’im. Jes as soon as he done dat, John come on in de house and said, “Master, did yo’ see de fine bear I brought you?”

“Why, John, I just killed uh bear I seen running round de house.”

John made out he wuz so sorry. “Oh Master, you didn’t kill mah bear, didja?”

“Why yes, John, why?”

“Why, Master, I had done conquered dat bear and wuz
bringing him up here tuh de house tuh be a plaything for yo’ chillun.”

—R
OBERT
W
ILLIAMS.

In slavery time Ole Marsa bought Jack an’ took ’im home. Jack played green tuh everything.

While they wuz ridin’ long they passed uh haystack an’ Jack ast Ole Marsa whut it wuz. Marsa says, “Why, dat’s my high tall mountain I feeds my cattle on.”

When they got tuh de house de cat run out tuh meet Ole Marsa an’ Jack ast ’im whut wuz dat. “Oh, dat’s my red balls uh simmons, Jack.”

They went inside de house an’ dere wuz uh fire in de fireplace an’ Jack ast ’im whut wuz dat. “Why, dat’s my flames uh flapperation tuh keep me warm.”

Ole Marsa went an’ put on his bedroom slippers an’ Jack ast ’im whut they wuz. “Why, dese are my flying trapeze.”

Night come an’ Jack saw Ole Marsa go tuh his bed an’ he ast ’im whut wuz dat. “Why dat’s my flowery beds of ease where I sleep. I ain’t goin’ tuh take you down tuh de quarters t’night. You kin sleep right in front uh my flames uh flapperation till mornin’—den I’ll fix fuh yuh.”

He made Jack down uh pallet on de floor in front uh de fire an’ went on tuh bed. Jack went tuh sleep an’ way afterwhile de cat come got on de pallet wid Jack an’ he hauled off an’ kicked her intuh de fire, an’ she caught on fire an’ shot outdoors an’ right intuh dat haystack. Jack got up an’ called Ole Marsa tuh tell ’im de haystack wuz on fire, so he said: “Marsa, Marsa!”

“Whut you want, Jack?”

“You better git outa yo’ flowery beds uh ease, an’ put on yo’ flying trapeze, cause yo’ red balls uh simmons done carried yo’ flames uh flapperation tuh yo’ high tall mountain.”

“Whut you say, Jack?”

“I say you better git outa yo’ flowery beds uh ease an’ put on yo’ flyin’ trapeze, cause yo’ red ball uh simmons done fell intuh yo’ flames uh flapperation an’ done carried it intuh yo’ high tall mountain.”

“I didn’t understand whut you sayin’, Jack.”

“Aw, I said you better git out dat bed cause dat damn cat done set dat haystack afire.”

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

In slavery time Ole Massa wuzn’t very good tuh John, so John got tired. So one day he made up a plot wid his buddy to fool Ole Massa. So dey put a whole heap uh groceries up a sycamore tree, so when Ole Massa come out tuh de field and started fussin’ at John, John said:

“Ole Massa, I am tired de way you treats me. You works me befo’ day an’ after dark. I specks you gwinter be workin’ me by de light uh de moon nex’ thing. You don’t half feed me. I’m gwine tuh God fur whut I want after dis.”

“Well,” said Ole Massa, “I feed you, don’t I? God don’t feed you, do He? So ef you don’t do lak I say, you gwinter git plenty on yo’ back an’ starve, too.”

John tole him, “No, I won’t neither. I’m gwinter quit work right now an’ go ask God for some rations.”

So John went on over under de sycamore tree and fell down on his knees. His buddy wuz already up de tree. John begun tuh pray. He hollered, “O Lord, if I be your servant, send me down a sack uh flour.” Down come de sack uh flour. “Now, Lord, please send your humble servant a side uh meat and a bag uh rice.” Down come de rice and bacon. “Now, Lord, if I ask you tuh throw me down a sack uh meal and a sack uh sugar and a can uh lard and uh ham, if it be Thy holy and righteous will.” Down come everything he ast fur.

Ole Massa’s eyes wuz poppin’. He didn’t know whut tuh do. John got up off his knees and tole Ole Massa, he said: “I’m
gwinter git back down on my knees and ast ’im tuh lam dis place wid uh bolt uh lightnin’ and kill all dese weeked white folks. B’lieve I’l ast ’im to ’stroy de world.”

Ole Massa got skeered and tole John, “Now, don’t do dat, John. Ef you don’t ast ’im dat, I’ll give you your freedom and forty acres an’ uh thousand dollars.” So he give it tuh ’im and that’s how niggers got they freedom.

—F
RED
C
OOPER
.

Back in slavery time Marster had a Negro named John. John was such they named him Big Sixteen. He told Big Sixteen one morning to go down in his pasture and ketch him dat wild hawg and bring him to him. He run dat hawg down and brought him to him. Marster thought that wuz pretty good, so he thought he’d try him out agin.

So next morning he wanted to put some new blocks under his house, and he had some twelve by twelves in his cow lot and tole him to go bring him one. Big Sixteen goes and puts dat twelve by twelve on his shoulder and brings it to the house, and next morning Ole Marster decided to try him agin. He tole him to go ketch up all his chickens and he caught all dat was roosting in yard and tree. How many?—two thousand.