Every Tongue Got to Confess (11 page)

As soon as she came to the well and saw the pomegranite, she took it and ate it. By the time that she got back to the house she tried to tell Ole Miss that some of the Negroes had been picking her pomegranites, her lips began to turn wrong side out and she died.

The next day, when they took her to the place where slaves were buried, they began to sing a little song:

They sang about all the graves of the people Moufy Emma had got killed, then they buried her still singing; and when they threw the last lump of dirt on her they said: “Mouf is de cause of it all.”

—L
OUISE
N
OBLE
.

Once in slavery time Ole Master had a slave named John. One day John stole one uh Ole Master’s sheep and took ’im home. Befo’ he could git it on de fire he seen Ole Master coming. So he took it an’ hid it in de baby cradle, an’ when Ole Master got dere he wuz sitting down rocking de sheep, making out it wuz uh baby.

Ole Master come on in de house. He seen John when he tool dat sheep but he didn’t let on. John wuz juster rockin’ away. Ole Master ast him, “John, whut you got in dat cradle?”

John kept on rocking away and tole him, “It’s us baby, Massa, it’s uh new baby we got.”

“Lemme see ’im, John.”

“Naw, Massa, I can’t let you see ’im. De doctor say not tuh take de cover offen him till he say so.”

“You better let me see ’im, John. I might kin cure ’im.”

“Naw, you can’t, Master. De doctor says not.”

“Well, John, I don’t care whut de doctor says, I’m gwinter see dat baby uh yours.”

John got up ready tuh run, an’ he says to Massa: “Well, Massa, I put dat in dere uh baby. I don’t give a damn whut it done turnt to.”

—J
AMES
M
OSELEY.

I seen a man so ugly he kin go behind a jimpson weed and hatch monkeys.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

I seen a man so ugly he had to take a hammer to bed to break day.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

I seen a man so ugly he could git behind a tombstone and hatch hants (ghosts).

—F. B
RADLEY.

I seen a man so ugly they threw him in Dog River and they could skim ugly for six months.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

I saw a man so ugly he didn’t die—he uglied away.

—G
EORGE
H
ARRIS.

I saw a man so ugly till at night when he get ready to go to bed he have to take a gatling gun with him to keep ugly from sittin’ on him and killin’ him.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Hey, fellow, I am going to tell you the truth. I saw a man so ugly until he could turn sweet milk into cherry wine.

There wuz uh man so ugly dat he could crack all de lookin’ glasses in uh town as soon as he got off de train.

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER.

A man was so mean he greased another man and swallowed him whole.

—G
EORGE
H
ARRIS.

I seen a man so bad till he had to tote a pistol to the pump with him to keep from getting in a fight with himself.

—E
DWARD
M
ORRIS.

I seen a man so bad till every time he set down he print “dangerous” in red on the chair.

—L
ORENZO
M
ORRIS.

I know a man was so hungry that he never ate no food, because it never would fill him up. He had to eat iron and bricks for his dinner, you know he was hungry.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

No, man, that man wasn’t hungry. I know a man was so hungry that he salted and peppered himself and swallowed himself and left nothing but his shadow.

—E
DWARD
M
ORRIS.

I saw a man shoot another with a gun and the bullet worked de man twice before he died and three times after. If you hold it high, it sweep the sky; if you hold it level, it will kill the devil.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Once I wuz an engineer on a train and I had a friend and his nose wuz so big I thought it was a tunnel, and I ran up his nose and ran into another train, and it was switching box cars in his nose.

—F. B
RADLEY.

I knowed a man so smart he had the seven year itch and scratched it out in three months.

Whut’s de fastest man you ever seed run? I seen uh man running so fast (away from de white folks) he turnt roun’ and got in his own hip pocket, running so fast.

—M
AE
O
LIVER
.

I’ve seen a man run so fast till de sheriff had to wire ahead tuh de people tuh hold ’im till his shadder got dere.

—F. B
RADLEY.

Once there was a man so lazy until he would pray to God if there was any work around his heart, please cast it into the river of forgetfulness where it would never rise to condemn him.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Whut is de tallest man you ever seen? De tallest man I ever seen could stand knee deep in hell an’ shake hands wid Gabriel.

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

Whut’s de biggest man you ever seen? Dat drives over me. I know a man so big dat when he went to whip his boy, de boy runned under his stomach and stayed hid under dere six months.

—M
AE
O
LIVER
.

I seen a man so low he had to git on a ladder tuh pick sweet potatoes, an’ den he tuh reach up an’ pull ’im wid a hoe.

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY.

Whut is de shortest man you ever seen? I seen uh man so short he had tuh get upon uh box tuh look over uh grain uh sand.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

There was a man so stingy he used to climb upon top of the house and chunk the wood down the stove pipe to keep from wearing out his stove door.

—W
ILL
H
OUSE
.

I know a man who wouldn’t walk on moonshine nights to keep from wearing out his shadow.

I seen uh man so stingy dat he wouldn’t eat uh ham sandwich out in de sunlight—skeered his shadow might ast him fur some.

—W
ILLIE
C
LARKE
.

I seen a man so stingy when he killed uh hawg, he throwed uh sack over his head to keep him from squealing. Said he wuz losing pork.

Whut’s the stingiest man you ever seen? I seen a man so stingy he wouldn’t give God uh honest prayer without snatching back amen.

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

I knowed a man and he was foreman and he was so stingy that when three of his men on the job got blowed up, he docked ’em for the time they was up in the air.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

I seen a man so black till lightning bugs followed him at twelve o’clock in the day—thinking it’s night.

—D
AVID
L
EVRITT.

I seen a man so black till he could spit ink.

—L
ORENZO
M
ORRIS.

I seen a man so black till he could go naked and everybody would think he was dressed in deep mourning.

—D
AVID
L
EVRITT.

Ah seen a woman so black dat her husband had to spread a white sheet over her at night so sleep could slip upon her.

—F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

A man had a wife and she was so small that she got in a storm and never got wet because she stepped between the drops.

—F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

My old man had a cow. She give so much milk they had to build a platform under de calf to keep him from drowning.

—J. W
ILLIAMS.

I seen a cow so swaybacked that she could use de bushy part of her tail for a umbrella over her head.

—F
RED
C
OOPER.

My father owned uh fast horse—I mean uh fast horse. We lived in Ocala. Mah mother took sick an’ my father come an’ said: “Skeet, you oughter wired yo’ sister in St. Petersburg.”

I tole ’im I just wired her an’ he ast me whut I put in it, an’ I tole ’im. He says: “Dat ain’t right. I’m going ketch it.”

He went out in de pasture an’ caught de horse, shod ’im, curried ’im and breshed ’im and put de saddle on ’im, an’ got on ’im an’ caught de telegram, read it and took it tuh mah sister.

Mother said: “You chillun make uh fire in de stove an’ fix somethin’ for de ole man tuh eat.” Befo’ she could git de word out her mouf, him an’ mah sister rid up tuh de do’ an’ said “whoa!”

That time uh flea ast me fur uh shoeshine—so I left.

—“N
IGGER”
H
ENRY
B
IRD.

My dad had a mare wid a lil colt and one day it come up a rain wid thunder and lightning and de lightning struck de mare and kilt her and run dat colt four days and nights and couldn’t ketch him.

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Dat same colt when he got bigger, my ole man hitched him to de plow to plow up some new ground, and he was so fast till he turned ten acres outside de fence.

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Whut’s de poorest horse you ever seen? I seen one so poor dat he had to stand in one place twice to make a shadder.

Oh, dat wuz a fat horse. I seen one so poor until de man drove him up in town in front o’ de post office, an’ got ’im uh letter and went round one side of de horse to read it in secret, looked roun’—twuz uh man on de other side de horse readin’ de letter fast as he wuz.

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY.

I seen a horse so poor the man had to squat down to see if he wuz moving.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

I seen a horse so poor you could wash clothes on his ribs and hang ’em up on his hips to dry.

—F. B
RADLEY.

I seen a mule so poor they had to feed him on muddy water to keep from seeing through him.

—R
USSELL
S
INGER
.

I saw a horse so poor they had to tie a knot in his tail to keep him from slipping through his collar.

—C
LIFTON
G
REEN.

Wonce (once) there was a hen. She cakel (cackled) so much that she give the rooster the blues.

—W
ILL
H
OWARD.

Whut is the biggest chickens you ever saw? My father had some chickens so big you couldn’t feed ’em on earth. You had tuh shoot their food up to ’em wid uh britch-loader (breechloading gun).

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

“What’s the best trained mule you ever seen?”

“I seen one so sensible he would carry letters, you didn’t have to tell him where—he’d read de address and deliver it to de right place.

“I seen a mule could sit down and write letters to another mule and ast him how much corn he got.”

“My paw had a mule working upon a fifty-story building and mule hauled off and fell off and got nearly to de ground. I said ‘whoa’ and he stopped right dere in de air and stood right there till somebody come rescued him.”

—N. A. J
AMES.

Dis pumpkin wuz raised off of mosquito dust. My father went out in de woods tuh cut some timber, him and two three mo’, an’ uh rain come up. So dey went up under uh oak tree tuh keep out de rain.

It wuz uh great big ole tree. So big dat it took five or six men tuh reach round it. Well, my father wuz leaning up sidder de tree and uh big ole mosquito come upon de other side uv dat tree an’ bored right through dat tree intuh my father’s back an’ got blood.

Dat made my father mad, so he bradded dat mosquito’s bill right tuh de tree. By dat time, it had done stopped raining, so dey all went home.

De next day dey went tuh de woods and dat mosquito had clean up ten acres, dying. Dey went on home again, and about uh week after dat, my father went tuh de tree again an’ he got enuff bones frum dat skeeter tuh fence in dat ten acres. An’ dere wuz enuff dust frum dat skeeter tuh furtelize it.

So my father planted pumpkins de first year. He raised one pumpkin so big till he never could tell how high it wuz, an’ we never did find how big around it wuz; even though we sent telegrams all round de world, nobody never did see de edge of dat pumpkin.

’Bout dat time my father lost uh fine brood sow wid leben pigs, an’ we searched all over Florida and Georgie, and Alabama, an’ everywhere, but we never could find her, till one day my father tole us boys tuh hitch up de double wagons and go haul one uv dem seeds to plant de nex’ year.

When we dropped dat seed offen de wagon it bust and dere wuz dat sow an’ two mo’ broods, and everyone uh her pigs had pigs in dere.

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY.

My daddy raised a punkin so big we wuz six years building a shed over it. One day I dropped my hammer down in it and went down to look and I looked for two days. Then I went to a man and he ask me whut I wuz doing in dere and I tole him, and he said I might as well go back because he had been hunting for a mule and wagon for four days in dere and hadn’t got no trace of ’em yet.

—N. A. J
AMES.

My grandfather said that when he was a farmer he raised sugar cane so large that he would have to get an axe to cut it down; and that his watermelons would be so large until he would have to get a saw to saw the rind in two; and a pumpkin so large that Uncle Sam bought it to have the United States training camp in.

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

My father wuz a farmer and de most he raised wuz watermelons. He raised one so large he had to build a railroad down through de patch to load it on flatcars. When they got it loaded they sent it to Mississippi where it wuz awful dry. In unloading de melon out there it burst and the juice out of it caused the river to flood and drown all ’em people you read about.

—W
ILL
H
OUSE
.

Whut’s de biggest apple you ever seen? My pa raised a apple so big till they was shipping it out west and it fell in de Mississippi River, and it run cider for six months.

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Whut is de biggest cabbage you ever saw? Ah seed one so big that it took de southern train twelve years tuh run round it. My papa growed dat cabbage.

Yes, an’ my daddy built uh pot tuh hold dat lyin’ cabbage yo’ paw raised.