Every One Of Me (10 page)

Now?

Not so much.

If I had to fight the guy right now, I would end up a bloody
mess lying in the corner and hugging my knees.

I climbed into the shower and started scrubbing the
stickiness of my sweat off of my body. I imagined seeing the guy who had made
those marks on Tessa's arms and immediately saw red and felt my muscles twitch.
Guess I would just have to use that at the fight.

The hot water ran over my back and I took some calming
breaths to try to relax. I saw Tess lying in her bed with her long dark hair
flared out behind her. I imagined running my hand through it and feeling the
softness between my fingers. Her hair had always been so soft and silky for as
long as I could remember. The only times I ever really got to touch it was
whenever we were watching a movie and she laid her head in my lap while I
combed my fingers through it or when she was crying in my arms over some jerk
who broke her heart. Needless to say, we watched a lot of movies together. But
I couldn't do anything more than touch her hair. We were friends and nothing
more.

Didn't stop me from hoping.

Before long, steam had blanketed the room and I was in the
middle of a fantasy I had played out hundreds of times before.

Tess would open her eyes and roll toward me with a smile and
I would lightly stroke her face. I imagined her closing her eyes while I ran my
fingers over her full lips and she darted her tongue out to taste me. I would
drop my head and brush my lips against hers until she gasped and reached out to
pull me closer. That's when I would run my hand down her side, grazing my thumb
over the side of her breast before continuing down to grasp her hip and pull
her into me. She would open for me and let me run my tongue against hers slowly
until she couldn't take it anymore and her kisses got hungrier and she pressed
her body against mine, feeling how much I wanted her and moaning because she
wanted me just as much.

I opened my eyes and looked down. "Damn it all!"

For the millionth time since Tess got home, I had a problem
to take care of. It didn't take long since I played out the rest of my fantasy
that I had perfected in my imagination over the years. Normally, I would feel a
little disappointed in myself for letting my mind go that far. This time, I
wanted to bang my head against the shower wall because I knew, without a doubt,
seeing her tonight would make it that much worse.

I shut the water off and quickly dried off. Tonight would
decide my fate. If she rejected me, I would pack up and leave, find a new town,
a new coach, a new friend. Maybe even get a dog to keep me company. I would
have to because there was no other way I could be around Tess without self
destructing.

I dressed in the dark jeans I knew she liked and a black
t-shirt and prepared myself to live without Tessa Marshall so I wouldn't have
to pick all the pieces up later. I would never fall out of love with her, but I
would have to learn to cope.

"I'm so fucked."

Tessa

I went for a walk after Charlie left and Mom disappeared
into the attic. I hadn't expected Charlie to not say anything. In fact, I
thought for sure he would have. He always did the right thing even when we were
kids. I should have told Mom what had really happened at my appointment, but I
didn't want to risk her being even more stressed out about what she still
didn't understand. It only stressed me out more and we were trying to lessen my
amount of stress, right? Well, that's what I kept telling myself to chase away
the guilt. She was going to find out sooner or later. I just wasn't prepared
for sooner, yet.

When I walked back into the house, after spending over an
hour wandering the streets and walking around the lake, I saw that Mom had been
busy. Several boxes were scattered around the living room. They were all
opened, but nothing had been taken out of them.

I heard Mom humming to herself in the kitchen, probably
starting dinner, which, by the way, I was dreading. I hadn't really spent a lot
of time around Ellie and the time that I was around her was spent trying to
focus on not imagining throwing her across the room and ripping her stupid hair
out of her stupid head. She was awful and Trevor couldn't take his eyes off her
chest. The sex
must
be great because no one was that tolerant.

I wasn't looking forward to hearing her argue with him about
the guest list for the wedding or that the food my mother had slaved over was
too salty, fattening, or dry.

Trevor was going to have a rude awakening one day and I
prayed I was there to witness it. The woman was just evil and manipulative and
hiding something. We, as in me, Mom, and Charlie, all knew it. We just had to
wait.

Poor Trevor.

I walked past the boxes without taking a second glance and
into the kitchen to see what help Mom needed. I always enjoyed cooking with
her. She may be over protective and motherly passed the point of irritation,
but she was my best friend and I had always gotten along with her. It helped
that she was always there for me no matter what and I regretted every day that
I had left her the way I did. I know she had forgiven me, but I still felt like
I needed to earn it.

"Hello, dear. How was your walk?" she asked,
looking up from the pot she was stirring.

"It was good. Refreshing. Sorry about staying asleep
for so long. I know that worried you." Figured I'd get right to the point.

"Oh, sweetie. Thank you, but you don't need to be
sorry. I let my worries get the best of me and I should have trusted you to
know what you were doing. I just can't help it, you know?" She gave me a
hug and kissed my cheek before returning to the boiling pot.

"Yeah, I know."

"Good. So, you ready for tonight?" Her voice
seemed higher and a little shaky which immediately signaled that she was
planning something.

"What are you up to, Mom?" I asked and narrowed my
eyes at her.

She scoffed and tried to look innocent, but like I said
before, she was a horrible actress. "Nothing, dear. I'm just… I want you
to be prepared for Ellie, that's all. She is going to make the night hell and I
just want to make sure you are ready for that."

"Mmm hmm, yeah right."

She just smiled and winked, knowing there was nothing I
could do about what she had planned. I had already committed to having dinner
with
everyone
tonight, meaning Charlie. She had been planning this
dinner for the last few days so I couldn't back out now.

"Will you help me with the chicken, sweetie?" she
asked.

I rolled my eyes and moved to the fridge, "Of course,
Mom. Anything for you."

She laughed loudly and then we cooked. I chopped chicken for
her famous Chicken Alfredo and started on the French bread that was to be
buttered and set aside to bake at the last minute so it would be fresh. When I
started on the vegetables, she slyly brought up the boxes that I hadn't asked
about.

"So, I was going through some stuff in the attic and
ran across some old pictures. The ones you took in high school for the yearbook
committee?"

"Ugh, seriously? Those were awful. I was the worst
photographer they had." I chuckled at the memory of my advisor looking at
most of the pictures wondering what they were. I told them many times to just
let me format everything and design the pages, but they didn't have enough
photographers so they didn't have a choice.

Charlie used to tease me about it whenever he helped me
organize and label the pictures. He ended up taking a lot of them for me so the
people in them could actually be seen.

"Oh, you weren't that bad, dear," Mom said
hesitantly.

"Ha! Yeah I was."

"Well, regardless, I found them all. You should go out
there and go through them. It would be good to remember all the good times you
had." She hadn't looked at me yet which made me all the more suspicious.
She was good.

Since no one else was really around, I decided it was safe
and left the kitchen to rifle through some boxes. The first one I went through
were of Trevor on the football team and all his trophies and plaques. Nothing
interesting for me.

The next box was full of papers and assignments from my
whole school career that Mom had filed away and written little notes about. She
was good with stuff like that. Every time we gave a speech or performed
something in front of an audience, she took pictures and wrote down everything
that happened and how proud she had felt. All of that was neatly organized in
several thick binders and labeled accordingly. I had to laugh. Maybe one day I
would be motivated enough to do that for my kids.

Then I thought,
how could I possibly have kids if I can
barely manage myself.

I started going through another box to distract myself from
the very idea and pulled out a few photo albums. As I started turning pages,
the memories came flooding back to me and I was giggling at the ridiculous
poses Trevor and I used to make for pictures.

Mom came out a minute later and sat beside me, laughing and
telling me the details of each picture. Her memory was like a steel vault.
Whatever got in, never came out.

I picked up another album which consisted of my high school
years and there they were, the awful pictures I had taken of Trevor or Mom or
Charlie. Heads were cut off, faces were blurry, and some of them were unrecognizable.
Of course, Mom had written down who or what it was right beside each picture. I
turned the pages and saw some of me and Charlie standing on the beach by the
lake, wrestling on the couch, or sleeping out on the back deck. He used to stay
over a lot during the summer when his mom went on her vacations and some of my
best memories were of those late nights. I used to tell him my deepest, darkest
secrets on nights like that. I smiled at that memory. He had been everything to
me. My best friend, my shoulder to cry on, the one person I could always be
myself around. I had been so in love with him, but never had the courage to
tell him for fear of ruining something so important to me.

It was in the past now. You can't change the past.

I turned the page again and saw a picture I didn't
recognize. Two figures were standing at the end of the dock where Charlie and I
always used to go. They were wrapped around each other, sunset in the
background, making the figures into a silhouette so you couldn't make out the
faces. The taller figure was leaned down kissing the smaller figure on the
forehead. It was so romantic and I felt a tingle in my spine looking at it.

"Who are these people?" I asked, running my finger
over the figures in the center.

She didn't say anything for a few seconds until I looked up
at her to make sure she heard my question. Her eyes were wide and anxious.
"You don't remember at all?"

I shook my head, "No. Did I take this of Trevor and one
of his girlfriends or something? I don't think I would have made it look that
good."

"Tess, that's not Trevor." I looked back down at
the picture and tried to make out the faces. I couldn't, but the shape of them
looked so familiar and the tingling in my spine spread into my chest. Then my
mother softly said the words that changed everything. "That's you… and
Charlie."

I froze as the surge of panic creeped over me.
"What?"

"That's you and Charlie, dear. You both had gone to the
lake earlier that day and when I came to pick you up, that's what you were
doing." She looked down at the picture again and sighed. "I couldn't
help myself. It was so beautiful, I just had to capture the moment." Her
voice was quiet and she was speaking slowly like she was trying to calm a
frightened animal. In the background somewhere, I heard the front door open and
close and a deep voice. Trevor had shown up, but I didn't dare look up. I was
engrossed with the picture in front of me

My heart pounded against my chest like a sledgehammer and I
shook my head. "How can that be? These two people look like they are… in
love. Charlie and I never…" I looked back at her and the look on her face
was full of pain and regret. "Mom? This can't be me and Charlie. I would
have remembered something like that. You know I would have!"

"It's us, Tess."

That voice.

I looked over and saw that it wasn't just Trevor and Ellie
that had arrived. Charlie was standing in front of me with his hands shoved in
his pockets looking like he just stepped out of "World's Sexiest Man"
magazine. He looked cautious as I met his green eyed gaze. The flicker in his
eyes told me he was telling the truth.

"I don't understand," I said, looking back down at
the picture. "I don't remember this. Charlie, I would have remembered
something like this." My eyes went blurry from the threat of tears, but I
quickly blinked them away and put the album down on the coffee table like it
was a bomb ready to destroy everything I ever knew. My hands were shaking and
my mind was racing, trying to dig up the memory that would have stayed with me
forever.

If Charlie had ever held me like that before, I would have
locked it up inside my head and never let it out. It would have been the best
day of my life. It would have meant happiness for the rest of my life. Whatever
happened… I had no memory of and I wanted to run away from the implication that
there were other things I didn't know, didn't remember.

"It's us. I know now why you don't remember," he
said softly and knelt in front of me, pulling the album off the table and
holding it up to study the picture. He touched it lightly running his finger
down the image of the smaller figure and grinned. "That was the scariest
and happiest day of my life."

I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I
was looking down from the ceiling and watching the scene play out in front of
me. My face looked ridiculous and Mom looked like she was about to pass out. I
ignored the image of Trevor and Ellie standing off to the side because she was
doing what she always did, studying her nail polish.