Every One Of Me
Authors: Jessica Wilde
Every One Of Me
By: Jessica Wilde
Other Titles by Jessica Wilde
Our Time
Coming Soon
Leverage (The Brannock Siblings, #1)
Conned (The Brannock Siblings, #2)
Copyright © 2013 Jessica Wilde
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce,
distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means without written consent
from the author.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places,
and incidents are the product of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or
dead, is coincidental.
Cover Image by iStockPhoto.com
Cover Design by Jessica Wilde
ASIN: B00GG6AO5I
ISBN-13: 978-1493758302
ISBN-10: 1493758306
To my husband, for his love and support and for
distracting our baby girl long enough for Mommy to 'get some writing done'.
To my beautiful baby girl. One day - in the far, far
away future - I hope you find true love.
No regrets.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID):
Also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is an extremely
rare mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively
enduring identities or dissociated personality states (also known as 'alters')
that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory
impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
Co-consciousness:
The ability to communicate with other personalities (alters)
in 'real time', to hear what they think/feel about things, and sometimes to see
what they are doing when they have executive control.
This had to be a dream. It didn't feel real and there was no
way I could possibly be in a situation like this. This just… wasn't real.
"Hold her down! Careful with her head! Where's that
Diazepam?"
I felt firm hands on my arms, legs, shoulders, and stomach
and when I opened my eyes, there were several people around me that I didn't
know and each one of them looked nervous. When I realized they were trying to
hold me down, I relaxed my muscles and heard them all take a breath.
"W-What's going on?" my voice was hoarse and the
words were painful coming out. I looked around the room for some kind of
explanation and all I saw were a few plaques on the wall behind me and a chair
that had been tipped over before someone grabbed my head.
"Ms. Marshall?"
A man was standing above me with a syringe held tightly in
his hand. I nodded and my eyes darted between the needle and his face. I needed
to wake up. This couldn't be good. I felt so… detached. Like I was watching all
of this happen from far away, but I wasn't.
"My God, I've never seen a switch that… that
fast."
"What switch?" I tried to tug my limbs away from
the stressed out nurses on top of me, but none of them budged. "What the
hell is going on? Why am I being held down?" I felt my heart pound against
my chest like a hammer when I realized I couldn't remember. My stomach twisted
violently and I snapped my mouth shut and closed my eyes, willing myself not to
vomit.
"Ms. Marshall, we were talking and you shut down. When
I asked you what was wrong, you became belligerent and tried to attack
me."
The doctor didn't seem too freaked out by what he was
telling me. In fact, he seemed to be a little more excited than I thought was
appropriate, but his voice was calm and matter of fact. His expression told me
everything.
"Did I… was anybody… please tell me I didn't hurt
anyone." I started to panic and my gasps for air were hindered by the guy
with his arm across my ribs.
"You can release her, now."
They all pulled away and it felt like a house was just
lifted off of me. I sat up, but didn't make an effort to stand or move away. I
was too freaked out and my body felt drained.
"I'm assuming you have no recollection of anything that
has happened over the last 10 minutes. Do you remember coming into my office
for your session?" He was crouched down beside me and had capped the
syringe. I knew it wouldn't stayed capped for very long. There was no other
option if I was unpredictable.
"I remember talking to you, yes. I feel like it
happened, but I'm not… I don't think I…" I couldn't even finish my
thoughts. I felt fragmented, torn apart. I hated that feeling.
"Would you prefer to sleep this off and regroup
later?"
I knew what he meant. I hadn't been working with him for
very long, but from the very beginning, I knew I had to trust him. I didn't
take too long to think it through. "I think it would be best to sleep this
off, Dr. Deacon. Oblivion sounds nice right about now." I wiped under my
eyes, but the tears I thought were there must have held back. How long had it
been since I cried last? Oh yeah, that's right. When I left.
He smiled at me and nodded in agreement. I felt the prick of
the needle, then… sweet nothing.
Chapter 1
"So, what now?" Benny asked as she tapped her pen
on the back of her chair.
"No idea," I replied. I stuffed the last of my
clothes into my crappy suitcase and shrugged. "I guess I'll just take it a
day at a time. Keep busy with Mom. Maybe… get a job."
She scoffed and quirked an eyebrow. "Really? A job? You
better just stay here then because I don't think the world is ready for you,
T."
I tried to smother the laugh that ascended up my throat, but
it was no use. Benny knew how to make me laugh in the most brutal way. She may
be right, but I was too determined to try and integrate my life among the
living. I looked over and saw her tapping the side of her nose, something she
did when she was planning on bringing up an uncomfortable topic.
I spoke up before she could. "I think the world has had
plenty of time to prepare for me, Benny. Plus, the nurses are starting to make
me nervous and Dr. Deacon told me the psychiatrist back home was the best for
me." She grunted indifferently and started tapping her pen again. "I
think he's just scared that I might make one of his precious nurses break a
nail," I added.
She laughed loudly and nodded in agreement, her curly blonde
hair bouncing off her cheeks. She had the brightest blue eyes that saw things
others could only dream of. I was going to miss her terribly.
Bennett June Randolph and I had been roommates for the past
9 months in 'The Facility', or behavioral health center if you want to get
technical. To us, it was easier to think of it as just 'The Facility'. Better
for our minds I guess. She had been in the system for a year before I met her
and was being treated for her manic bipolar tendencies. She blamed her disorder
on her parents giving her B.J. as her initials. Apparently she got a lot of
shit for it in school and ended up getting in a lot of fights, and not just the
yelling kind of fights. Actual physical,
rip-out-your-hair-and-tear-your-face-to-shreds kind of fights. After a lot of
therapy, she realized that her initials had nothing to do with it. It was just
a means of figuring it out. Although, she will still put the blame on her
parents anyway, just to make herself feel better.
Honestly, Benny scared the shit out of me when she went
dark. Her few and far between episodes were like watching a nuclear explosion
happen right in front of your eyes followed by every war movie ever made all
rolled into one huge feature. Intense.
I'll never forget the day I met Benny, although I won't ever
truly remember the circumstances. All I can remember is waking up strapped to
my bed with her staring down at me and telling me I was 'one tough cookie'.
When she realized I didn't remember anything, she replayed everything for me.
Actually replayed it, as in she took me to the session offices and acted out
every part I played in the whole incident.
"Craziest fucking thing I have ever seen," she
shouted. "You were like a tiny, white Incredible Hulk only you weren't
really fighting or anything. You were seriously tearing those girls down with
words. Words! Those nurses didn't have a chance," she had said animatedly
and threw her hands above her head triumphantly.
When I first arrived at this cold as death clinic, I was
under the impression that I had some type of selective amnesia. I only recently
found out it was much more than just memory loss and mood swings that only
those around me at the time witnessed. I wasn't insane and I wasn't delusional.
I just had a problem shaking off a few extra companions that decided to show up
at unwanted times. Not that there were any
wanted
times anyway. Benny
was the one to help the docs figure out what was really going on because she
was the one that, at some point, got to have a conversation with… everyone
else.
Let me get us out of this desolate building and everything
will come together soon.
Benny was my only friend. She had been by my side for 9
months and I'll never be able to make it up to her. I planned on trying, but I
had a few things to take care of first.
I zipped up my suitcase and looked around the room to make
sure I hadn't forgotten anything. There wasn't much in the desolate space. It
was the opposite of a college dorm room, as it should be. This wasn't college
life, this was simply the consequences. My life had been anything but simple
before I ended up in The Facility. It sounds kind of creepy, but that was the
only name any of us liked to call it as I said before. Makes it sound like some
kind of secret organization who experiments with people making them superhuman
or something. It's easier that way. I had come to enjoy the simple life I had
here and was almost regretting my decision to leave, but Mom needed my help and
I needed a doctor who could help sort me out. That doctor happened to live in
my hometown of Denver Colorado where my brother was currently engaged to a
woman that my mother just couldn't handle anymore and needed someone to work
interference. This wasn't really the main reason I was going back. I missed my
family and I had wronged them by taking off 5 years ago.
"So…" Benny sang and continued to
tap tap tap
her pen. "You think you are going to see him?"
"Who?"
"Oh, don't play dumb with me, T. You know who."
I looked down at the bed and studied the few possessions I
had, trying to avoid eye contact. "Hope not."
"Ha!" she exclaimed and shook her head.
"Sure."
A month after we became roommates, I had made the mistake of
telling her the biggest reason I left and she never let me forget it. She
thought it was stupid of me to just try and forget about my best friend,
thinking it would make his life easier. The fact that I still loved him didn't
convince her to be nice about it either. Charlie was still very much a part of
my life whether I liked it or not.
"Tessa? You all packed up, dear?" We both turned
to our open door and saw Judy, the discharge coordinator standing in her
ridiculous bunny and carrot scrubs. She always looked so colorful and even
though it was normally against the rules to wear anything but solid colors, the
bosses made an exception for her. She always argued that what she wore made the
first impression on anyone who walked in the front doors and the people who
usually walked in the front doors were the ones in need of some color. Really,
she was the administrators wife so no one dared to enforce the rules with her.
Plus, she was probably the sweetest lady you would ever get lucky enough to
meet. Standing at a solid 5 feet with streaks of gray shooting across her jet
black hair and eyes as blue as the sky, she was a force of nature that no one
wanted to change.
"Yeah, Judy. I'm ready," I mumbled and dragged my
suitcase off the bed with one hand while cradling the shoebox full of the last
year in the other.
"Great! I'll meet you up front. Don't keep her too long
Benny. Her mother just finished up the paperwork and is anxious to see
her." Her crooked finger was aimed at Benny who had the nerve to look
incredulous.
"Of course, Judy. I wouldn't dream of doing anything
other than protocol."
I snorted just as loud as Judy did and watched her walk away
faster than she should be capable of.
"Well, T. I wish you the best, but honestly, I give you
a month before you come back. You'll miss me too much," she smirked.
I wanted to laugh at the attempt she made to avoid an
emotional goodbye, but I couldn't. I had a lump in my throat that was setting
up camp for the last 10 minutes and I couldn't seem to swallow it down. She was
right. I was going to miss her desperately and I had no idea how I was going to
get my life in order without her there to help me. I used to have control, or
at least I thought I did. After what I had been through the last year, control
was all but forgotten.