Endless Love Letter (Love Letter Duet Book 2) (19 page)

“You once told me that when I smile, it's as though the universe has given you a gift. You felt I could see into your soul and touch it. What I learned was that our souls have touched before and I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you in this lifetime. I was young and scared and because of that I lost four years with you but, when we meet again, things will be different. We will get to do this over and live a long happy life together. I want you to know that I love you with every part of my soul. I will carry you with me where ever I go.

“I can never thank you enough for giving me Lyra. You two have made me feel whole and alive. And though I’m not going to see her grow up into a beautiful young woman, I know you will be by her side, and that’s all that matters. No one will love her as much as you will.” She swallowed, and her eyes glistened with new tears.

“Weston…I love you.” She placed her hand over her heart. “I’ll always be right here.” She nodded and closed her eyes. “Take care of our little princess, okay?” She looked up at the camera; her nose was red from crying. “Until we meet again, my love. I love you very much.”

It was the last thing she said before the camera shut off.

I sat on that couch for a few minutes staring at her frozen face on the screen. God I missed her. I set the video to play on repeat and lay my head on the couch. That night I slept for the first time since Emilia passed, her soothing voice playing in the background.

E
milia’s version
of a letter was
exactly
what I’d needed.

Our love story, though short, was powerful.

It was pure and genuine.

I couldn't sit there and dwell on the fact that she was no longer with me. I needed to focus on Lyra because that's what was important to us. That was what she cared about the most.

The letter also made me turn the house upside down and inside out looking for any more videos. I plugged in every USB I found. She couldn't have left me just one. That was unfair. I deserved more than one goodbye letter. But for months, I couldn't find another even though I had thoroughly searched the house. The scavenger hunt forced me to clean up the house. It forced me to deal with things.

Leslie had gone back to her regular life in Chicago; my mother had stopped hovering. Everyone backed away because that letter had pulled me out of my funk. It forced me to go through all of her things and put them away. Without even knowing it Emilia was forcing me to heal and move on.

Cleaning out our closet was the hardest. Her scent, though faint, still lingered on her clothes. When I reached the back of her closet and found the yellow dress she wore when I brought her to meet my parents, my knees gave out. She was the first girl I’d ever brought home, and within minutes, she had won my family’s hearts. I gently folded the soft cotton material and added it to a pile. I put everything in bins, I couldn’t, wouldn’t, throw her things out. They would all be saved for Lyra and when she was old enough she would decide what to do with them. I wasn't forgetting about Emilia, I could never, but I was beginning to understand that I couldn't hold on to her physical things.

T
he band
, as a whole, had decided that there wouldn’t be a tour for our second album that was dedicated to Emilia. SoCal thought I was insane for pulling away from the industry, but I didn’t want to be the face of the band. I wanted to continue creating music, but I had a different priority now. I focused on my relationship with Lyra, becoming more active in her life. Two months had passed, and my life had gone back to some kind of normal. Every day was a new adventure.

In late June, I asked my mother to go back home. If Lyra and I were going to make it on our own, we had to figure it out together.

I did everything for my little girl.

From summer camps, to American Girl tea parties, I gave her the world. She would come with me to the studio and sit next to me on the soundboard and learn which button did what. When Sally had us over for dinner Lyra would entertain Eddy and when he was down for a nap she would sit at the table and tell Axel about school. It had taken some time but we were both adjusting to the fact that our family was going to be just the two of us.

I
found
the second video Emilia had left for me in the strangest place possible. She knew me a lot better than I had given her credit for. I had searched the house inside and out looking for another video. I was convinced she had only left me the one and I was pissed. But when my hands held onto that USB I shook my head, looked up at the ceiling and smiled up at her. She had placed it in the last box of coffee in the cupboard. It was the one place I had not looked.

Emilia had laughed at me when I had bought twelve large boxes of the Keurig cup coffee when she first started chemo. She joked how no one would be able to finish six hundred cups of coffee in four months. I wanted to stay awake if she needed me. I’d figured the nights would be long, and I wanted to be by her side.

I remember the conversation we had so vividly in my mind. It was the first time she had laughed that week.

I arrived home from the grocery store with bags filled with coffee. “What are you going to do with all that coffee?” She asked, while I began to place each box on top of the counter. She had sat at the kitchen table her hands hugged a mug filled with tea, though she couldn’t live without her coffee the tea helped calm her nerves and nausea. “I never imagined that you would open up a coffee shop but I can see it now.” She moved her hand in the air as if she was looking at a marquee. “Coffee shop owner by day, Rock Star by night. You fit that whole Emo—I'm kind of lost in the world—look.

I chuckled and walked over to her. Brushing her hair off of her face, I gave her a soft kiss on her lips.

I held the USB in my hand. My eyes still couldn't believe what I was seeing. She had left me another love letter.

“Daddy,” Lyra called out for me.

I put the USB in my pocket and finished getting her breakfast ready before I had to take her to camp. I couldn’t watch it in front of Lyra, but waiting seemed like a lifetime away. Once I’d kissed Lyra goodbye, I walked back to my car and pulled out my laptop.

Her lips were puckered together, frozen on my screen. I hit the play button, and her voice greeted me. “Hi.” She smiled and bit her lower lip. Unlike the last video, she looked tired in this one. Her skin wasn’t glowing, and it looked like she had lost a lot of weight. My heart ached realizing how fragile she’d looked when she died.

“I guess you finally finished all that coffee you bought.” She paused for a second her eyes looked deep into the camera. She was sitting on our bed, her hair fanned out on the white pillow.

“How are you, Weston? I hope some time has passed and things are getting easier.” She inhaled and slowly exhaled. “I say hope because honestly, I have no clue what it must be like for you. I realize that I’m making these videos and I’m not even sure you’re watching them. Nonetheless, I need to believe that I know you well enough. I figured you would eventually move the guitar and find the first video. I know you’ll touch that before you finish all that coffee you thought would be a good idea to buy in bulk.” She giggled and then her face grew into a sad smile.

“I know this can’t be easy for you because it’s not easy to make these videos. It’s like I’m waiting for the day I don’t wake up, and it’s really hard to think like that. What keeps me going is that I know one day you’ll be okay, so you have to promise me that after I’m gone you’re going to be okay.” Emilia sat up on the bed.

“Weston, I want to remind you what a wonderful man you are. I wanted to tell you that you’re a phenomenal father and Lyra is lucky to have you. I love you, Weston. I will always love you and remember that I will always live within you. I also wanted to leave you with one last bit of advice.” She gnawed on her lower lip.

“It was the best advice the nurse gave me when I had Lyra. The days are long, but the year is fast. Enjoy her, enjoy your life and enjoy the little things together. Don’t forget to schedule all of her appointments, dentist, doctors and flu shot. Read to her every night so her imagination continues to grow and always sing to her.”

Emilia’s eyes widened. “Oh!” She beamed into the camera. “Don’t forget to change the batteries in the fire alarms and carbon monoxide detectors.” She shrugged and smiled. “I don’t know if you changed those lately. I love you, my love. Till I see you again.” She blew me a kiss and the video stopped.

I sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at her puckered lips. The days were long, but time was moving fast. This video didn’t hurt as much as I’d anticipated. Instead, it gave me the reassurance that I was doing the right things for Lyra.

E
njoy the small moments
.

Late August, I took Lyra camping in Yosemite park before she started first grade. We spent a whole week hiking, fishing and meeting new people. We both learned a lot on that trip, but Lyra’s favorite moment was when her rock skipped three times on the lake.

Enjoy the little moments, together.

And for a week that was exactly what we did.

In early September, Lyra was packed and ready for her first day of grade one. Keeping with tradition, I made her breakfast, brought her to school and, when I picked her up again, we stopped at Max’s for dinner.

I had not been to Max’s in months. It was a place I couldn’t step inside. It had been my place with Emilia, and I knew going there would open up old wounds that were still trying to heal. When Leslie had been here, she taken Lyra to Max’s a bunch of times, so had Jeremy when he asked to spend the day with Lyra. But I had not stepped inside of Max’s in a very long time. Lyra held my hand as we walked inside the restaurant, her mouth moved a mile a minute as she told me about her first day of school.

“Mrs. Madison assigned us our seats, and I got to sit next to Tamasin.” She swallowed and tried to catch her breath. “She’s my new best friend. But so is Dena. But Tamasin moved here all the way from Texas, and she had no one to sit with at lunch. I told her that you had been to Texas, Daddy, and that one day I wanted to go see the Elmo.”

“You mean the Alamo.” I smiled down at Lyra.

“Oh yeah, the Alamo.” She giggled.

“I think it was very nice of you to befriend her, Lyra.” I paused and looked down at her. “Your mother would be very proud to see what a kind little girl you’ve turned into.”

“Thanks, Daddy.” Lyra replied with big bright eyes. We stopped at the hostess booth; an old face greeted us.

“Hey there, strangers!”

Max’s wife, Sophia, came around the booth and hugged me. The last time I had seen her was at the funeral. It was hard to believe that it had been four months since Emilia had passed away.

“Sophia!” Lyra hugged her. “Today was my first day of school.”

“It was?” Sophia squatted down. Her slick black hair had been pulled away from her face. “I think that means dessert is on us.” Sophia winked at Lyra. “Come on, I’ll get you two situated in a booth and I’ll let Max know you’re here. I know he’ll want to say hi.”

“Thank you,” I said, and Sophia rubbed my arms.

Lyra eagerly sipped on her milkshake after she was done with her meal, her eyes were still wide from the size of the glass Sophia had placed in front of her. I sat back, watching her drink it and waiting for the brain freeze to kick in.

“Too fast! Too fast!” Lyra pulled away and rushed her hand to her forehead. I chuckled and locked eyes with Max.

“Lyra, come sit next to me and let Max sit there.” I pulled her milkshake to my side of the table.

Max’s smile was wide on his face when he approached us. It was rare for him to leave the kitchen. He sat across and waved at Lyra. His long thick beard intimidated Lyra, and she whispered hello.

“How’s it going, West?” he asked.

“Good.” I exhaled. “Life has been good, right, Lyra?” She nodded. “I’d ask you how you guys are, but look at this place.” I paused and looked around. “It’s always so packed in here.”

“Yes, thank God. I can’t believe this all started with a food truck. I need to thank Emilia for pushing me to open up a bigger place.” He looked at Lyra when he mentioned Emilia.

“Em?” I questioned.

“Yeah.” He looked back up at me. “She always said I needed to stop hiding behind an old truck and open a place of my own.”

I smiled as I looked at Lyra. She had many reasons to be proud of her mother, too. They were both very much alike always willing to believe in a person.

Max took time out of his busy schedule and chatted with us for a bit. He asked about the band’s future, but I still had no clue. Like any artist, I couldn’t force it, and until the melody started to flow in my head, I couldn’t do anything. I had laid some track down and created new beats while Axel and the guys played around with new work, but the lyrics weren’t flowing.

I stood to say goodbye to Max. It had been nice to see him and Sophia again. It was nice to know that I could come back here and, though I missed her, the pain wouldn't be unbearable. 

“I'll see you soon.” I said.

“Good to hear, man, but before you go…” He handed me a USB. “She left this for you.” A kind smile appeared on his face. “She told me it would take some time, but eventually, you would come in here. She asked that when you did I’d give this to you.”

“Thank you.” I took the drive from his hand and put it in my back pocket.

After Lyra had finished her homework and showered, I tucked her into bed and then plugged the USB into the television.

“Hi.” She had lost her hair completely, but the smile on her face was the most beautiful smile of all. “We got married last night,” she brought her hand in front of the camera, “and we’re leaving for Hawaii soon.” She paused and looked away.

“I finished chemo, and the doctors say all my scans are okay. I have to take the chemo pill for the next five years, but I get a chance at a do–over. I really thought about not doing this video. It’s kind of a contradiction that I’m shooting this video for you to watch once I’ve died even though the doctors say I’m okay.” Emilia bit her nails.

“But it got me thinking. What if I fall off a cliff or get hit by a bus? I know those are both very extreme scenarios, but when I started taping these, I had a reason for them. It was to help you heal.” She smiled and looked straight into the camera. “And that’s the only thing that matters. If you never get to see these, then that’s okay too but if you’re watching this video right this second then we know that a bus took me, or a cliff.” She shrugged. “But I’ll be in heaven knowing that I had already taped this.” She laughed at her own ridiculousness.

“So back to my original plan, you went to Max’s? That’s good. It means you’re getting out of the house and that you’re not sulking around because that’s the last thing I want. Weston, if I learned anything by going through chemo, it’s that every single day is a precious one. Every second you get to live is precious. Don’t waste them missing me. Don’t throw a perfectly beautiful day away because you wish I was there. Living your life doesn’t mean that you love me any less. That’s what I would want for you to do. Continue to go on.” She closed her eyes and inhaled.

“I love you, my husband.” She bit her lower lip and smiled. “I love the way that sounds. I love you very much, Weston. I hope time is healing your wounds and that you’re no longer in any pain.” She blew me a kiss. “Give Lyra a big hug for me. I love you always.”

The video stopped.

I pulled the USB off the television and then walked to the box I had over the mantel and added it to the collection. Unlike the other two, I would only watch this one once.

I was finally moving on.

C
hristmas Eve

Acceptance.

I
had finally accepted
that Emilia was gone.

It was the first holiday without her. She had left two videos for Lyra wishing her a Merry Christmas, one which we watched together first thing Christmas Eve morning, and then we’d spent the day baking cookies for Santa. The second video Emilia had requested that we watch after we opened the gifts Santa had left for Lyra.

Later that night, we sat in our pajamas eating s’mores as we watched “Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas!” on the television. It was something Emilia had always made for Lyra as a treat after dinner and I had continued with the tradition. The presents were wrapped and hidden in the garage, and my parents and Mama would arrive early tomorrow for presents and brunch. Leslie would be coming by as well and then we would all head to Sally and Axel’s for dinner. Everyone wanted to be together since this was the first holiday season without Emilia.

“Daddy, do you think Santa got my letter?” She curled up next to me on the couch. The side of her mouth was smudged with chocolate.

“Of course, princess.” I cleaned the side of her face and kissed her forehead. She looked like she was going to say something else, but the doorbell startled us both. I told Lyra to stay on the couch and walked over to the door. Pulling it back, I was greeted by a frantic–looking Leslie.

“Hey, Les, I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow.” Her eyes were wide, and I knew she had been crying. “Is everything okay?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry to show up here unannounced,” she sniffled, “but I won’t be able to make it tomorrow. I need to go home.”

“Home?” I questioned. “Were you not in Chicago?”

“No, home–home.”

“Arizona?” I cocked my head to the side and pinched my eyebrows remembering where she was from.

She nodded and new tears began to pool in her eyes.

I realized I didn’t know anything about Leslie, nothing at all. I knew she lived in Chicago, worked in finance and met Emilia when she lived in Brazil.

“I was supposed to wait a while to give this last one to you.” Her hands trembled as she pulled a USB from her purse. “But I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Leslie, what’s going on?” I stepped outside, closing the door behind me.

“It’s my dad. He isn’t doing so well. I need to go home.” She leaned in and gave me a hug. “I’m sorry for showing up like this, but I really have to go. Merry Christmas, Weston.” She turned on her feet and jogged to the cab that was waiting at the curb.

“If you need anything, Les, please call!” I shouted.

She looked back at me when she reached the cab. “I will.” She slid into the cab and I watched it drive away.

This was the last USB.

“Daddy, was that Titi Leslie?”

I stepped back in the house, closed the door, and shoved the drive in my pocket. “Yes, Lyra. She has to go home for some urgent issues, so she won’t be here for Christmas tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Lyra frowned.

“It’s okay, sweetie. We’ll see her soon.”

I’d decided that I wouldn’t watch Emilia’s last note until after Christmas. Leslie had said she was supposed to wait a while before giving it to me, so I figured Emilia wouldn’t want me to have it only seven months after she had passed.

My plan only lasted until three in the morning. I couldn’t sleep knowing that a few feet away in a box on my nightstand was another message from Emilia. I brought my laptop with me to bed and uploaded the video.

Emilia lay in the same bed that I was in when she recorded this video. “Hi,” she said weakly. “I stopped treatment.” She paused and her lips trembled. “I’m going to die, Weston, and I honestly don’t know how I feel. I’m scared about leaving you and Lyra, but I’m more afraid of what will happen to you both when I’m gone. I’ve tried to tell you this in person, but I never had the courage to start up the conversation.”

She brushed away a tear from her eye. “I lived a short life, but because I lived it with you, it was a life filled with happiness, love and laughter. I won’t ever regret a single moment we shared. I love you with everything that I am.” Her voice cracked. “But if you’re watching this I want you to do me one last thing for me.” She closed her eyes. “I want you to live, Weston. I want you to let go of what we had and move forward with your life.” She swallowed and tried to smile.

“I know that it doesn’t mean that you’ll forget me, but you’re young, and Lyra will need a female in her life. Weston, I’m telling you it’s okay to love again.” I shook my head not agreeing with what she was saying. There was never another person I could love again. “It will give me peace knowing that one day you’ll be happy again. So promise me, Weston. Promise me that one day, when you’re ready, you’ll open your heart to love again because love is what kept me going for all these months. It was your love, our love, the love I have for Lyra.
That
was the fire behind my fight. So though our love story has come to an end it doesn’t mean you can’t have another one.” She tried to smile.

“I love you, Weston. I will always love you. Even through all the universes and eternity’s I will
always
love you. Until I see you again…”

Emilia taught me what life was all about. She was the true definition of yellow gel. I would never forget our love story because our memories would continue to live on and on. I wouldn't dwell that this was the last video because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that destiny would bring us together in another lifetime. I couldn’t continue to mourn her death. It was okay to accept that in this lifetime we wouldn’t be together but there would be more for us in the next lifetime.

Emilia would want me to celebrate her life. Even though it was short–lived,
she got to live it
. She changed my life and in order to truly appreciate her life and value the meaning of her life and know that she had a purpose no matter how short that time was, I have to continue to go on with mine because if not what's the point?

All those invisible love letters that we had drawn on each other's bodies would have no value. It would signify that our love had come to an end.

That wasn’t the case. Our love was like the sun in June. You can’t see the heat, but you can feel it.

And if there was one thing I was certain of was that our love, though it was invisible to the naked eye, and you could not psychically touch it, you could feel it. And it was fucking endless.