Endless Love Letter (Love Letter Duet Book 2) (17 page)

Emilia laughed when she finally made it to the cabana. Her hand was over her heart as she tried to catch her breath. “It was sunny two seconds ago.” She inhaled slowly. “Where did this rain come from?”

“I believe it’s rain season,” Jennifer chimed in.

Lyra tried to lick the remainder of her washed out ice cream and a thought popped into my mind.

Let her dance in the rain.

I tugged on Emilia’s arm and pulled her out into the open. “Weston!” She planted her feet on the ground. “What are you doing?” She squealed as I threw her over my shoulder.

“Dancing in the rain!” I shouted. She slid off my body, the torrential downpour soaking our clothes in seconds.

Emilia opened her arms and began to spin, her face raised to the brooding clouds. Her smile was wide as she laughed.

“Lyra, come on!” I shouted.

Lyra left Jennifer’s side and ran to Emilia. Holding each other’s hands, they danced in the rain. Their laughter and glee were the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

I would have given my soul to be able to capture that sound for all eternity.

E
milia and Lyra
skipped toward the Ubud Monkey Forest. Deep green moss had grown over the carved stone temple, and sunlight peeked through the branches of the trees overhead. When Emilia first mentioned that this was a monkey forest, I assumed we would see monkey statues, but to my surprise, little monkeys ran around as we walked along the cobblestone path.

Lyra squealed when a monkey jumped on her shoulders. His buddy jumped on top of Emilia’s head. Taking Emilia’s camera, I captured the moment.

We strolled through the forest and followed the path to the White Lotus Yoga & Meditation Centre. Lyra sat outside with Jennifer and enjoyed her black rice pudding with coconut milk while Emilia and I meditated. We sat on soft, round pillows that had been placed in a circle. The room had full–length bay windows that looked out into the rainforest. Ketut, our instructor, sat in the center and guided our breathing. At first, it was hard to concentrate. It was difficult to let go of everything that I feared and completely clear my mind, but I inhaled all the air my lungs could take, exhaled, and found peace.

It was a day of serenity and peace.

S
cotland

We had five days left on our trip and I wanted to make them the most memorable. We were in Scotland, Emilia’s father’s homeland. This was her heritage.

We strolled through Holyrood Park. Though it was freezing compared to Bali and Australia, we made the best of it. Emilia took pictures of the handmade stone castles and breathtaking architecture that had been here for centuries. We sat and people watched when we visited the Botanic Garden. On our second day, we took a private tour of the National Museum of Scotland.

On our second to last morning, Lyra ran into our room screaming at the top of her lungs. “We’re going to a real castle!” She jumped on the bed. “Mommy! Daddy! Wake up!”

Groggy, I pushed off the bed and scooped Lyra into my arms. “It’s a little early, princess.”

“But today we get to see a real castle where a princess lives!” She looked over at Emilia, who was stretching. “Can we go now, Mommy?”

“How about I make you a deal?” Lyra nodded. “Let’s go eat breakfast and then we’ll walk over.”

After breakfast, we walked up the paved streets. A thin layer of snow covered the grounds, but the temperature was in the mid–thirties. Emilia explained to Lyra the history of the castle. For the first time on our trip, Lyra was more interested in what we were doing than her mother. Emilia and I couldn’t find it in us to tell her there was no princess living in that specific castle.

Jennifer walked with Lyra and the tour group while Emilia and I hung back, my arm draped over her shoulders and our hands laced together. Alec spoke about how King James VI returned from England for the Jubilee celebration in 1617, and I found any reason to kiss Emilia.

“Thank you for this,” she whispered, her voice sounded tired.

“I hope you enjoyed it.”

“I did. And I think it was a trip Lyra will never forget.”

“Lyra will never forget her beautiful mother.” I let out a long, audible breath. “I promise.”

Emilia let go of my hand and wrapped her arms around me. In the middle of Edinburgh castle, I hugged my dying wife.

I
thought
I knew what pain felt like.

I had broken plenty of bones as a kid. And losing out on Lyra’s first few years was painful. Watching Emilia go through chemo was tortuous to my soul, and when she decided to stop treatment, I thought the world would come to an end. But never had I felt pain like the day Emilia took her last breath.

It ripped through me.

It shattered my soul.

I tried to scream, but no sound would come out.

The pain was unbearable, uncontrollable and indefinable.

Emilia left us three months and two days after she’d stopped treatment. Even with all the counseling we had, I was not prepared for that day.

After Scotland, we’d had two great months at home. She was able to take Lyra to school and dance class. She was able to watch Lyra blow out her candles for another birthday. She had a normal life. But three months and two days after she stopped treatment, she knew her time with us was up.

It was an ordinary Tuesday. I was still asleep when she touched my shoulder. “West,” she moaned, her hoarse voice waking me. There was blood dripping from her nose. I quickly grabbed a tissue.

“I’m really tired, Weston.” She coughed and I noticed the blood pooled in her mouth.

“Are you in pain?” My breath caught in my throat and my heartbeat accelerated with each passing second.

Emilia shifted her head and looked up at me. “I’m not in pain, babe.”

“I’m going to go get Jennifer, okay?” I raked my hand through my hair. “You need to be here when I come back.” My voice faded to a hushed stillness. Emilia gripped my hand and nodded her head.

My legs felt like Jell–O as they ran down the hallway toward Jennifer’s room. My knuckles ached as they banged on her door and I barged in. “She needs you. She’s . . .” The air evaporated from my lungs. “She’s . . .” My vision blurred. “I think this is it.”

I had mentally prepared myself for this moment. We had done it all. We talked about her dying and what she wanted. She had made her peace with Jeremy. We had spent hours talking about life. But I wasn’t ready.

Not yet.

Not now.

Not ever.

I would never be ready to say good–bye.

“Weston.” Jennifer gripped my shoulders. “Breathe.” She nodded dramatically. “You’re going to need to be strong. For her and for Lyra.”

I nodded slowly. My fists balled at my sides. I inhaled all the air my lungs could physically take in and still it wasn’t enough. Emilia sat in the same spot I had left her. She and Jennifer spoke softly as Emilia reported on her pain. Jennifer walked over to the in–room nursing station she had made for Emilia and pulled out a syringe with her pain medication.

Emilia turned her attention from Jennifer to where I stood. My body rested against the doorframe. My legs wouldn’t move.

“Hi,” she whispered. Tears filled her eyes. “Can you hold me?” She reached for me. This was the moment she needed me the most. I pushed off the wall and walked over to her bedside. Kneeling beside her, I traced the outline of her face.

Jennifer squeezed her hand before heading to the door. “If either of you need anything, I’ll be right outside.” She looked back at Emilia. “Do you want me to have your mother care for Lyra?”

“Bring her to me when she’s up,” Emilia whispered.

I pulled the comforter back and crawled into bed with her. Emilia’s head rested on my chest, her breathing coming out in spurts. With a clenched heart, my hand ran up her arm, tracing love letters over her skin.

“Are you scared?” I asked once her breathing seemed to normalize.

“Not really,” she answered with a staid calmness. “I was afraid my life didn’t have a meaning and that I would be forgotten in a few years, but my life had a purpose—to love you and bring Lyra into this world. Once I let go of that fear, serenity came easily. I’ve accepted my destiny. Even though my time with you was short–lived, being with you, our love, our family, has been the best part of my life. I know one day our souls will meet again. One day we will get a do–over. Until then, our short time together was worth it all.”

I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes. She was so strong.

We stayed in bed that day. Lyra joined us and Emilia hugged her tightly, showering her with kisses. She lay between us, her head resting on her mother’s heart. I draped my arms over them both and counted the last few minutes I had with her, praying that this time, the seconds would feel like eternity.

The sky changed from blue to a soft peaceful orange, in the sky. Emilia grew weaker, her breathing barely a whisper. She was leaving us.
“One day we will do this again.” I held her hand. “We’ll meet, fall in love and have a beautiful family.”

“Yes…” She moaned. “I love you.” She closed her eyes and a lone tear fell down her cheek. Her hand traced a heart over my skin. Her last letter to me.

I kissed her warm lips one last time and held her and Lyra.

“It’s okay, Em.” I swallowed back a sob. “I’ll take care of her.” I kissed her forehead.

“Promise?” Her word was barely a whisper.

“I promise.” I choked on my words. “You can let go, my love.” The tears ran down my face. “You don’t have to suffer anymore. I will always love you.”

Moments later she took her last breath. She was gone.

“Daddy?” Lyra looked up at me. “Is Mommy sleeping?”

I swallowed the burning sensation that had crawled up my throat. “Yes, princess.” I prayed to the God I no longer believed in to give me the strength to not lose all control. “Mommy is finally sleeping. She’s not in pain anymore.”

Lost.

Numb.

Helpless.

There was no preparing, no counseling available for the pain that saturated my soul. It would spend the rest of my life roaming the earth alone because its other half had left him behind. The only thing that kept me going was the little girl hugging me.

She was the reason I would continue to breathe.

D
epression
.

The scent of flowers invaded the cold house. People moved around me as I sat on the couch staring at the black TV screen.

She was gone.

My world no longer made any sense.

My head screamed, my heart wept and the realization that I would never get to hold Emilia pressed heavy on my soul. The bottle of whiskey and the empty glass sat on the table. Today, I would constantly need to numb myself into further oblivion. 

“Weston, honey.” My mom sat next to me. My mind replayed our life together. When we first met, falling in love our fights, our trips… 

W
ait
.” I reached for her. “Can I have your name?”

She pulled the straw out of her mouth and brushed her vibrant red hair behind her ear. “Emmy. My mother gave me the nickname when I was a child. She named me Emilia, after her grandmother.” She shook her head quickly and darted toward the door.

“Alrighty then.”

I
tugged on her hand
. I needed to know everything about her. “Come on,” I brought her hand to my lips. “I’m bringing you home to meet my mother.”

“
I
s
this how you charm all the girls?”

“Only you, babe.”

Her lips puckered. “Come on, Weston. I’ve seen you with at least four different girls.”

I pulled her closer to me, my hands resting on her lower back. Her gaze was glued to mine. “And yet you’re the only who has met my mother.”

“Why’s that?”

“You have the fewest numbers of dents.”

“Oh, really?”

“And you’re yellow gel.”

“
W
hat are you doing
?” She looked up at me. My hands traced over her skin.

“I’m writing you a love letter.” My lips pressed to the tip of her nose.

“A love letter?”

“Yes. I’m writing you an invisible love letter.”

“
I
t’s nothing
.” She brushed the tears away from her eyes.

“Emilia, talk to me.”

With a shaky hand, she drew the letter I, a heart, and the letter U on my chest. It was the most beautiful love letter I’d ever received.

“I love you, too.”

“
W
eston
.” My mother grabbed my shoulder.

“Hmm,” I grunted. 

“Why don‘t you go get dressed? We have to leave soon.” She spoke in a soft calming voice. “Leslie is getting Lyra ready.” 

Lyra. 

She had lost her mom and all she had at that moment was the hollow body of her father. My poor sweet Lyra. Why had life been so cruel to us?

I pushed off the couch and walked down the hallway toward my room. The ghost of Emilia haunted me. I kept expecting her to pop up at any given moment. I hoped that I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be nothing but a dream.

The hallway seemed longer than usual. I was heading toward the room she had said her final good–bye in. Our room. She had been gone for two days and I had been walking the house aimlessly, unable to sleep.

I stopped suddenly when I heard Leslie talking to Lyra. “When you get scared, you can hold my hand.”

“I want my mommy,” Lyra cried.

“I know, sweetie.“ Leslie‘s voice cracked. I pushed the door ajar and saw her kneeling on the floor holding Lyra in her arms. 

“Hey.“ I tried to smile for Lyra. “Come here, princess.” Lyra ran toward me. Scooping her into my arms, I kissed the top of her head. “Remember when you had to go get shots and I held your hand so you could be brave?” She nodded and hugged my neck. “I need you to hold my hand today so Daddy can be brave. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes.“ She hugged me tighter. “I miss Mommy.“ 

“I know. I miss her so much, Lyra.” I swallowed back, I made a promise to Emilia that I would be the best father for Lyra and I vowed to honor my promise. “But you want to know something?” She pulled away from my neck and looked into my eyes with her tear soaked ones. “Your mom will always live in here.“ I placed her hand on her chest. “Whenever you’re lonely, put your hand over your heart. And when you feel it beat, that’s your mom letting you know she is still right there with you.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, princess.” I grabbed her hand and placed it on my chest. “You feel that?” Lyra nodded. “That’s how I know your mom is still here with us.”

I looked over at Leslie, who was wiping the tears from her face. “Lyra, why don’t we go see what Granny is doing, okay?”

Placing Lyra on the floor, Leslie gripped my shoulder with one hand and touched her heart with the other. Emilia lived inside all of us. She had brought light into our lives and she would never be forgotten.

I
hate
the fucking smell of flowers. Their potent scent invades your senses and it constantly reminds you that you’ve lost someone. Why would people send you flowers? They’re beautiful and vibrant. They should be made for celebration only. The pigments of reds, purples, yellow, and green didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it made me want to crumble each petal between my fingers.

My black suit hung off my body. I followed the army of people out of my house and inside the limo that would be bringing us to the church service and funeral. I carried Lyra into the church, her little head resting on my shoulder as people greeted us.

Jeremy walked up to me. His eyes were red and I knew, like myself, he had shed some tears. Shaking my hand, he didn’t say a word. There was no need to say anything. We had both lost someone we loved.

“Hey, sweet pea.” He rubbed his hand on Lyra’s back and she gave him a small smile. “I’ll see you both inside.” He turned and walked into the church.

I was walking on autopilot. I accepted condolences and told everyone that asked that we were okay.

But we weren’t.

We would never be the same now that she was gone.

Lyra and I sat in the front pew, my parents and Emilia’s aunt and uncle sat to our right. Once the pastor had finished speaking Axel stood and walked up to the podium.

“Good afternoon, I’m Axel Arrington.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t really know what most people say to eulogize someone because, if I’m being honest, I try to avoid these.” He scoffed and shook his head. “But Emilia was one of my best friends, more like my kid sister, and when she asked me to do her eulogy I couldn’t say no.” He paused and looked up at me. I nodded slowly for him to continue.

“Emilia Darcy Carter.” He choked and swallowed. “Excuse me. Emilia Darcy Carter was the most beautiful person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She was beautiful both inside and out. Though I refused to believe that she would be here, she knew. She planned this day and if there is anything I can tell you about Emilia, it’s that she never left a rock unturned. She asked me not to stand here and mourn her death but to celebrate her life.

“Because of her, random strangers now look at each other as family. Because of who she was, we will all continue to be in each other’s lives. Emilia was, and will always be, an angel. An angel who left us too soon. I know that God has a plan for all of us, but this plan is just not one I agree with.” He shook his head, tears trickled down his face. “This world was a better place because Emilia was in it.”

T
here was a hole
, a hole where her remains would rest.

The grass had been freshly trimmed, the sun was high in the sky and we gathered around the casket saying our final good–byes before it was lowered into the ground.

One at a time, each person placed a white rose on her casket. Leslie had taken Lyra back to the car, but I stood there watching, unable to move. After each person placed a flower on her casket, they would walk over to me, gently tap me on the shoulder and apologize for my loss.

The casket began to lower and reality set in. It set in hard.

This was it.

Our final good–bye.

“No!” I cried. “No.” I shook my head. My body felt heavy and my knees buckled. “It should’ve been me. We had a deal.” I looked up at the sky. My knees slammed into the ground. “You weren’t supposed to take her!”

“Weston…”

Axel held me up as we watched Emilia be laid to rest.