Embracing My Submission (18 page)

I knew what I had to do. It was so simple, yet I had been pushing it away, fighting it tooth and nail. I’d been trying to purge it, force it from inside me, when it had been there all along just waiting for me to open my mind and...my heart.

I’d been so insistent on trying to mold my submission to what I thought it should be, and when it wouldn’t conform to my own preconceived notion, I’d tried to exorcise it from my being. But the harder I tried to banish it, the more miserable I became.

I
was
a submissive.

It was in my blood, my heart, and my soul. Trying to deny the fundamental core of my being was like trying to amputate the very arteries sustaining my life. I couldn’t change who I was any more than I could pluck a cloud from the sky. It was in every fiber of my being.

At six thirty that night, I was dressed and waiting. A calmness I’d never experienced had settled over me. The knock at the door no longer filled me with trepidation. Instead, it was a sound of comfort. Sammie had once again come for me, and this time, I was ready.

Lowering my head as I knelt upon the floor, I called for her to come in.

“Julianna?” Drake asked in a startled tone.

Snapping my head up, amazed to hear the sound of his voice, I issued a look of penance. “Daddy Drake, Sir?” Feeling a monstrous wave of guilt crash over me, I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, kiss his warm cheek, and beg his forgiveness. But I willed myself to remain in my submissive posture.

“Are you ready girl?” he asked brusquely.

“Yes, Sir. I am.”

“Rise. Let’s go.”

A shiver rippled down my spine at the sound of his familiar, commanding tone. When I stood, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

“You’ve figured out the lesson, haven’t you girl? You’ve finally recognized who you are.”

“Yes, Sir. Without a doubt.” I nodded with conviction. He damn near squeezed the stuffing out of me as he hugged me tighter and then kissed the top of my head.

“Thank, God,” he murmured under his breath.

Seated next to Drake in his car, I could feel his intermittent gaze upon me.

“What are you feeling, girl?”

“Extremely sorry for the way I’ve treated you over the past few weeks.”

“We’ll discuss that later, pet. What else are you feeling?”

“Centered. Calm. Complete.” A slight smile curled on my lips.

“You make me proud.”

“Daddy, I’m so sorry that I lied to you. You deserved more respect. I should have never treated you the way I did. I’m so damn sorry.”

“I accept your apology, Emerald. I know the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I know that I own a part of the responsibility for what you’ve been through. There will be no repercussions for your actions. I should have been a better protector for you. I’m just happy, no, I’m thrilled, that you have completed the circle and that you are whole.”

“I feel whole, Daddy. I feel small and...” I sighed trying to find the right words. “I can’t describe it, Sir.”

“You don’t need to. I understand. I can finally see it reflecting in your eyes.” He smiled, beaming with pride.

We pulled into the nearly vacant parking lot. Drake punched in the code to the back door.

“You know where to go, and I think this time, you know what to do.”

“Yes, Sir. I do.” I nodded and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Moses.”

Looking deep into my eyes, he smiled. “I love you too, Julianna.”

I walked up the stairs and with a gentle knock, I waited. James’s warm smile greeted me and then like before, he left me alone. Glancing up at the camera, this time filled with hope, I inhaled a deep breath and then lowered my head. I gracefully kneeled on the floor before the scrolled door, the same door I’d screamed at, pounded at, and cried at the past two nights. As I cast my eyes to the floor, I crossed my wrists behind my back.

Closing my eyes, I waited, praying the beautiful Dominant behind the door could sense what was in my heart. I hoped he would find me worthy to open the door and allow me to give my power to him, to give it to him freely, without the tiniest reservation.

Before anxiety had a chance to decimate me, my heart leapt to my throat as I heard the door open. I didn’t move, didn’t raise my head, didn’t utter a sound. I remained as still as a statue. Hope took flight and soared.

“Thank you for coming back, girl.” Mika’s deep buttery voice was sweet music to my ears. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed his erotic timbre. “Rise and enter.”

Keeping my eyes cast downward, I rose to my feet and followed him into the massive office. I watched with my peripheral vision as he sat down in a leather winged back chair. I once again gracefully knelt, only this time I yielded before his feet and not at his door.

“Look at me, Julianna.”

I raised my eyes and feasted upon him. My heart thundered in my chest and rang in my ears as I tried not to whimper. Looking at him, I wanted him so badly I ached.

Mika was as incredibly gorgeous as before, but something was different. He looked fatigued. While his eyes were still mesmerizingly erotic, there was an untold shadow lurking within, like a man heavy with worries.

“I’ve been waiting to apologize to you, girl. The last time you saw me, I was...I was not myself. I took something that did not belong to me. I took you.” He paused for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. “I need to tell you something, but I’m not quite sure how to explain it all, so I’ll start at the beginning. My parents lived this lifestyle to the fullest. I was raised in the beauty of a Master/slave household. My mother submitted with a grace and beauty I’ve come to appreciate now more than ever. I was taught that everything she did, every scrape she kissed, every meal she prepared, every chore, every word of praise or chiding scold, was a gift, a precious gift she bestowed upon me and my father. We were to cherish and treasure that gift. She was the light of our lives, my father’s and mine. She was our angel, a blessing that taught me unconditional love and how to respect all aspects of life. Cancer took her from us ten years ago. It felt like a part of me had died. And sadly, part of my father did die.”

Mika paused, and I could feel the depth of his pain reflected in his voice as he relived the death of his mother. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but I held my posture and my tongue.

“Dad raised me with the principle that the slave we claim will be bound to our hearts and souls for all eternity. It’s a bond stronger than marriage. There is only one in the lifetime of a Master.”

My breath froze in my lungs as the meaning of his words crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. He could only have one sub his entire life? How damn unfair was that? Who the hell came up with that outlandish rule? I finally figured myself out, was ready to give him every ounce of my submission, and he couldn’t take it? Was this some kind of sick joke?

“I realize it’s quite an archaic concept compared to what transpires in the BDSM community these days. Dominants claim and release submissives like they change their clothes. I’ve never understood that practice, but I don’t judge others for the way they find fulfillment. I can only live my life based on my own beliefs.”

His ideology of the lifestyle was archaic indeed. I palpably felt every drop of hope I’d carried into the room sliding between my fingers. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t angry. I was sad. Sad that he would spend the rest of his life bound to a ghost, to the memory of what he once had, knowing it could never be reclaimed.

“Would you do me a favor, Julianna?” he asked with those fierce amber eyes gazing down at me.

My heart pounded in my ears the way it always did under his scrutiny. I nodded eagerly.

“Would you please get me a cranberry juice from the fridge? Get something for yourself, if you’d like.”

I nodded again, unsure if I should speak, then rose and retrieved the juice. I removed the cap and discarded it before kneeling before him once again. I lowered my head and extended my hands, offering the bottle to him.

“Very nice.” His words of praise filled my heart as I raised my head. An approving smile spread upon his handsome, rugged face. His knuckle caressed the back of my hand as he accepted the drink. A shiver raced down my spine as a soft tremble rippled through my core. Placing my hands behind my back, I crossed my wrists.

“Nine years ago I met a slave. She was...was...my ‘one.’” His confession was almost a whisper. Taking a long drink of juice, he cleared his throat. “Five years ago cancer took her as it did my mother. After she passed, I was lost, empty, void inside. Those first months I spent a lot of time with my father. He helped me work through my anger and depression of losing her. He’s a phenomenal man. I love and respect him a great deal.”

I smiled at his carefree confession.

“Shortly after Vanessa passed, I opened Genesis. I needed to feel connected to her in some way. Watching Doms and subs find fulfillment, well it helped. Helped me heal. I can’t explain it any other way.”

I wondered why he was sharing so much of his private life with me. His personal enlightenment made it difficult for me to tamp down my hopeful feelings. Was he revealing all these details to squelch my dreams, or was there a big fat “but” on the end of it all? Would he decide to throw caution to the wind and claim me? God, I couldn’t hope for that. It would be like a storybook, a happily ever after. And I wasn’t convinced endings like those even existed. As he continued to speak, I tried desperately to quiet the fantasy and focus on his words.

“I know it sounds insane, but each night before I go to sleep, I talk to Vanessa. For years, I begged her to help take the pain and emptiness away. I naïvely thought she would heal my heart, but I can’t help but believe she’s answered my prayers in a way I never expected. And in a way she knows I can never accept.”

I knew what was coming, and dread filled my veins. The need was so strong to slap my hands over my ears like a terrible two-year-old to prevent his words from penetrating my brain. Or scream for him to hush and not say another word. I knew what was coming, and try as I might to block the inevitable, I knew that would be like trying to stop a freight train with a feather. I closed my eyes and lowered my head, shrouding the pain that would soon be screaming in my heart from his view.

“I vividly remember the day you walked into the club. I’d never been so shocked, so shaken to the core, in my life.” Suddenly his fingers were beneath my chin, tilting my face upward. “Open your eyes, Julianna. I know you don’t want to hear this. And I’m truly sorry to have to say these things to you. I can read you like a book, girl, but I need you to look at me. Let me see your eyes as I confess my guilt.”

Swallowing tightly, desperately reaching for a fragile thread of inner strength to carry me through, I inhaled a fortifying breath and opened my eyes.

He smiled soberly. “Thank you, girl.”

I steeled myself for the walls of hope to crash down with the words I knew were forming on his tongue.

A frown settled on his mouth. “You resemble Vanessa to an almost frightening degree. The first time you walked through the doors of Genesis, I thought I’d seen a ghost. Her ghost. But it wasn’t her. I knew that. Still, it didn’t keep me from wanting to wrap you in my arms, breathe in your scent, and claim you. But I knew better. I knew you weren’t her. I knew she hadn’t returned from the dead to ease the emptiness in my heart. I’ve watched you, watched you for days, months, years. I’ve reveled in your growth as you blossomed from behind your timid walls of apprehension and grew into a graceful, elegant submissive. I’ve sat in my office watching every session you’ve had with Sammie and wishing to hell and everything holy it were my hands on you as you shattered. Hell, I’ve watched everything about you, from your demure smile when you’re unsure of a Dom, to how you toss your head back laughing in gusto and unadulterated joy. I’ve felt a sense of pride as I watched your smoldering embers of submission grow into a blazing and all too enticing flame. See, as your submission has grown, so has my temptation for you. I’ve felt the pull of you for what seems like a lifetime. You tempt me, girl, more than anyone I’ve ever known. I want you so badly it’s like a hot blade searing inside my soul.”

I could feel the heat from his body, smell the fringes of his arousal in the air. I couldn’t stop myself from hoping he’d toss aside his beliefs and claim me as he confessed of wanting to do.

“You
are
a submissive. You doubted that even before Dennis abused you. And what I did to you only caused that misconception to multiply. I’m so sorry for being the reason you questioned your submission, Julianna. I can’t begin to convey my remorse for what I’ve done to you. I failed you in the worst way, and like Drake, I’m wracked with guilt over failing you.”

I lightly shook my head no. I didn’t want to hear that either man was still shouldering the blame for the horrid events with Dennis.

“Moses and I are more than friends. We’re like brothers. He and Trevor spent many years with Vanessa and I. When Moses told me about the lunch you two shared, when the longing inside you to find your ‘one' had gotten to the point of you doubting your desirability to Dominants, I was livid.” He leaned forward and wrapped his warm palm beneath my chin. “Nothing could be further from the truth, sweet girl. You’re a coveted submissive not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of almost every member here. Moses felt he’d done you a disservice. He’d virtually kept every Dominant that voiced an interest in you away. His own guilt was what precipitated him to allow Dennis to spend time alone with you. Guilt for withholding prospective Dominants now pales in comparison to the guilt he carries for allowing that bastard to abuse you the way he did.”