Embracing My Submission (19 page)

Tears dripped from my cheeks. My heart ached as I listened to Mika reveal the depth of Moses’s guilt. I wanted so badly to fix him, to take his guilt away, but I didn’t know how. I softly sniffed and exhaled a quivering breath.

“I know how much you love him. He’s far more than just your protector. He is a brother, a father figure. Let him back in your heart, girl. He deserves it.”

“He never left my heart.” I sobbed, unable to hold back my raw emotions. “I will do anything to repair the damage I’ve done. I swear.”

“I have no doubt, pet.” He inhaled a long, deep breath as if steeling himself for something. “As I said before, Vanessa and I spent almost all our time with Moses and Trevor. We took vacations together, played with our respective slaves in the same dungeons. We were more than friends, we were family. The four of us had a very special and unique relationship, which brings us to the morning in your bedroom...or rather my actions that day. As I watched Trevor kissing your mouth and gazed upon your naked, voluptuous body, I was overcome with a feeling of déjà vu. It was as if I were back to a time when my heart no longer ached, a time when I was complete. I lost my grip on reality, sweet one. I couldn’t fight the longing and the tormented hunger for you anymore. The demand to feel you beneath my hands—just to touch you, feel your hot flesh beneath my fingers—was too much. I lost control. I lost my ability to resist my overpowering need for you. When I plunged my fingers deep inside your pussy, I knew I could never walk away. I had to claim and own you. You are simply too perfect.”

I blinked in surprise, hope and relief winding together like silken scarves binding my heart.

“Make no mistake, girl. It was you I wanted, not the ghost or carbon copy of Vanessa, which you’re not. You never will be. Trust me when I say both my heart and head know the difference. You’re an almost perfect submissive, Julianna. An almost perfect fit to what I’ve ached for all these years. That morning in your room as you climaxed, as your delicious hot tunnels convulsed around my fingers, I was imprisoned by a combination of heaven and hell. Then the guilt slammed through me. I knew I had failed. Failed myself, and most regrettably, failed you. I took what was not mine, what could never be mine. I took your gift. Up until that morning, I’d not touched another submissive since Vanessa died. She was my ‘one.’ So my apology to you is from my heart, my soul. I’m no better than Dennis for the betrayal I’ve committed.”

I sucked in a gasp of disbelief at his comparison. I started to speak, but Mika shook his head and moved his hand from my chin, placing a broad finger against my lips. His eyes reflected a gut-wrenching sadness. I bit back the sobs burning my throat as tears stung my eyes. He was nothing like Dennis. How could he compare himself to that despicable animal?

“I’ll forever need to fight this unappeasable hunger inside to claim you. But that’s my burden, not yours. I will find a way to cope with what I can’t have.”

Gazing at him in disbelief, I was unable to wrap my head around the harsh restrictions he placed on his Dominance. I knew I had no right to judge his principles or try to sway them no matter how desperately I longed to. But it was beyond my understanding how he could deny his need to dominate. He paused as his words continued to penetrate my brain and torment my soul.

“Moses and I have talked. He will no longer shield you from the Dominants who wish to pursue you. However, none will be allowed private liberties with you at first. Either Moses or I will be present during any sessions, public or private.”

What? That couldn’t be. Mika was going to cast aside the anonymity he guarded so vehemently and mentor me? And why in the hell would he subject himself to watching another Dominant use me if it would only cause him heartache? Surely he’d not put himself through such hell for the likes of me, would he?

“Kneel up, girl,” he whispered in that erotic velvet voice that always made my heart thunder and my pussy weep.

I rose to my knees. He leaned forward, and I stared into his sensuous eyes.

“Who are these tears for?” Using the broad pads of his thumbs, he wiped my cheeks.

“For you, Sir,” I whispered on a quivering breath. His gentle touch was like a white-hot fire surging electricity through my body.

“Why? Why do you shed tears for me?” His brows pulled together in concern.

“Because you’ve vowed to never touch another submissive and are burying your Dominant needs. My heart breaks knowing you can only live out your desires through memories. That’s too much for anyone to suffer, to endure. I’m sorry. I know I’m speaking out of turn, and I don’t mean any disrespect to your beliefs, Sir, it’s just I can’t imagine, can’t fathom living with such emptiness, longing, and pain inside. It has to be unbearable.”

“Yes.” He nodded as a bittersweet smile tugged the corners of his mouth. “But you’re forgetting one important aspect, girl. I
did
achieve a Master’s fulfillment. I was honored with the gift of a lifetime and the memory of it is a treasure, one I will cherish till I die.”

He was ripe with gratitude for the short time Vanessa shared his life, and I knew the memories of her filled every corner of his heart...still. A feeling akin to jealousy seeped into my soul. She shouldn’t still have claim over him. She was dead and gone. He was the one left here to suffer without recourse. He should have the opportunity to find, with someone else, what he had with her. How could sharing something so primal for such a short period of time sustain someone for the rest of their life?

“Moses and I will do our best to help you find your ‘one.’ All I can say is that he’ll need to be one hell of a Dominant for your precious submission. Don’t be too anxious, little one. This might take some time.”

A warm smile stretched over his succulent bottom lip as his broad finger caressed my jaw. I longed to taste his decadent mouth one last time, to feel the warmth of his body against mine. Even though the door of hope had been slammed shut, I yearned for one last good-bye.

He stood from the chair and extended his hand. “Let’s get you home, girl.”

“Sir? May I say something?”

“Of course.”

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior over the past two days. Well, for longer than that, actually. I didn’t mean the things I said outside your door.”

“Oh, I think you did.” He smiled wide and fought back a laugh. “But I forgive you. Don’t worry. It’s all fine, and you’re going to be fine, too. Moses and I will make sure of it. You’re damn lucky you know. How many subs have two Doms as protectors?” he teased and winked mischievously.

“Hmm...” I smiled. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Depends on your behavior, I would say. Could be twice the reward or twice the punishment.” He raised his brows as a twinkle of delight danced in his eyes. “Come. Let me take you home.”

I followed Mika down the stairway that two days ago felt like a pathway to a beleaguered prison cell. It no longer held the oppressive dread it once did. Stepping out into the dimly lit parking lot, he gently placed his palm against my lower back. A shiver rippled through me as he led me to a shiny black Escalade parked alone in the darkness.

“I am more than a bit curious, Julianna. What happened between yesterday and today that produced such a dramatic change in you?”

“A dream.”

“A dream? Tell me about it.” He stopped and tilted his head with a curious look.

“Actually Sir, it’s been a lot of dreams...years of them in fact that culminated to one prophetic dream. Your Van—”

“Emerald!”

I stopped in mid-sentence as a voice dripping with hate screamed my name. I whipped my head toward the source as fear coursed from my stomach to my throat and a rush of adrenaline slammed me.

Standing at the edge of the building, eyes filled with pure, unadulterated hate, stood Dennis. A lone streetlight scantily illuminated the parking lot, and I saw the shimmer of a gun in his hand. My heart knocked in my chest as my stomach swirled in a violent knot.

“No,” I murmured, unable to draw my eyes away from Dennis’s advancing form.

“You’ve fucking ruined my life, you whore!” Screaming in a demented tone, he stalked toward Mika and me. “My wife left me. My children think I’m a monster! It’s all your fault you fucking cunt!”

His gun was pointed at me. I wondered if I should dive for cover or remain frozen in place. Both options held the potential for catastrophic outcomes. Even in the dimly lit surroundings, I could see a look of demonic hatred reflecting in his eyes. It was more frightening than the weapon in his hand. His lip curled in an almost inhuman snarl as my heart continued to jackhammer in my chest, reverberating in my ears. I fleetingly wondered if I could explode from fear. Unable to look away from the deranged man, I sensed movement. Mika was reaching for something behind his back.

“You’re going to pay for this you fucking bitch!”

Time slipped into some lethargic, sluggish dimension. Everything began to move in slow motion, as if some higher power flipped a switch, commanding time and space to unravel a millisecond at a time. Dennis’s manic screaming continued as his wide strides were eating up the distance between us. The barrel of his gun remained pointed straight at my face.

Mika’s strong arm wrapped around my waist almost instinctively as he slung me to the ground behind him. He’d placed himself between me and the crazed lunatic still approaching. Gravel pierced the thin fabric of my gown and stung as it dug into my knees. Raising my eyes, I watched Mika’s posture alter. Crouched low to the ground, he assumed what resembled a fighting stance. The muscles in his shoulders and arms bunched as he extended something in front of his body. He was holding a dull black handgun that was leveled and steady aimed at Dennis. Undaunted, the maniac continued to advance, the frightening gleam in his eyes clearly visible.

“Mika!” I choked out softly.

“Stay down!” he roared. His voice was loud, flat and unwavering.

“Get away from her motherfucker! You can’t protect her this time!” Dennis screamed.

“Not happening! Put your gun down,” Mika warned.

“Fuck you!”

Simultaneously two shots split the night. Blood curdling screams filled the air. My screams. Mika’s body lifted from the ground and slammed back against the Escalade. Then, like a ragdoll, he slid to the ground. Dennis fell backward with a sickening thud. Blood poured from Mika’s chest as I scrambled across the gravel, kneeling next to him.

Frantically digging through his pockets, I retrieved his cell phone, casting a quick glance over my shoulder to assure myself that Dennis was indeed dead on the ground. I punched in
nine-one-one
as I violently trembled.

“My friend’s been shot. I think he’s dying. Please send an ambulance. The parking lot of Genesis. Seven forty-three Myers Street. Oh, God. Please. Please hurry.” I screamed as I threw the phone to the ground and cradled Mika in my arms. Blood poured from the gaping wound in his chest, and I firmly pressed my hand over the streaming red river.

“Mika! Mika! Please don’t die. Please don’t leave me.” Blinking through the tears streaming down my face, I saw his eyes were open, glassy and unfocused as he groaned.

“Mika! Stay with me. Please stay with me.”

“Vanessa,” he softly whispered. His glazed eyes widened as if in surprise.

“No!” I sobbed “Please Mika, no.”

He was seeing Vanessa. It could only mean she had come to take him away.

“No!” I screamed in a panic. “You can’t have him. You promised, goddammit. You can’t have him. He’s mine.”

I was yelling at the ghost of my dreams, fighting an invisible phantom for his life, his love. Deep inside I knew his heart didn’t belong to me. He wasn’t mine and never would be. Every fiber of his being belonged to her. She was the one who would forever hold his heart and soul. The only one he would ever love. Ever dominate. Ever cherish, in this life or the next.

A mournful wail echoed through the night as I sobbed, knowing what I had to do, yet unsure I could find the strength to do it.

“I’m sorry, Mika. I’m so sorry it can’t be me. But oh God, how I wanted you to want me.” Screaming through my sobs, I looked down at his lifeless face.

“Go to her, Mika. Go to Vanessa. She’s your ‘one.’ Your only one. She’s the one you’ve been waiting for. Soar with her to the heavens and be free from all the pain you carry in your heart.”

There was nothing on this earthly plain of value that I could offer him. Only Vanessa could grant his freedom, freedom from the chains encasing his heart. I was powerless to stop the inevitable no matter how desperately I wanted to try.

“Go with her, Mika. Find your peace.” Blood oozed between my fingers as I attempted to keep him tethered to this life even as I coaxed to set him free. “Oh, God. I can’t do this. What am I going to do without you now, Mika?”

Screeching sirens blared as numerous police cars careened into the parking lot. Keeping my hand pressed firm against his chest, I prayed against the cold uncertainty filling my soul that I could somehow save him. It was a selfish notion I had no right to own, yet I couldn’t stop myself from trying.

I heard voices. Shouts. But the words weren’t connecting with my brain. Strong arms lifted me from the ground as two men in crisp white shirts converged over Mika’s lifeless body.