Embracing My Submission (12 page)

Glancing at me, his jaw clenched. “You repeat any of this to anyone and our friendship ends.”

Tears trickled down my cheeks. “I’ll never say a word, Moses, I swear on my life.”

He nodded and pressed a palm to each of his own eyes. “Good. Yes honey, you do look like her,” he stated, and I nodded in agreement. “You act a lot like her, too.” He chortled a bit and wiped away another tear.

“But I’m not her. I don’t want to be confused with her because I can’t be someone’s ghost.” I sniffed, attempting to talk myself out of the fairy tale fantasies dancing in my head regarding Mika.

“Trust me...he knows you’re your own person, Julianna.”

“How do you know?”

“We talk. A lot. The night you came to drop off your application to Sammie, he and I were in his office looking out over the dungeon. When you walked in, he stood up, his face went slack, and he started to shake. It was like he’d seen a ghost. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. He finally turned to me, and with a pain I hadn’t seen in his eyes since Vanessa was lowered into the ground, he asked two questions: How and why?” He swallowed tightly and after a long silence, he finally spoke. “How did you find out about Genesis, love?”

“I drove by one night and saw a woman walking into the building. She was wearing fishnet stockings and fetish shoes under a long coat. It was July. Nobody wears a trench coat in July. So I pulled over and parked across the street. I sat there for over an hour watching men and women enter through the nondescript wooden door. Everyone was wearing coats and jackets, but I spied bits and pieces of fetish wear beneath them. It became crystal clear that even with their flimsy vanilla guise, they were all ducking into Genesis to partake in secret pleasures.”

Drake nodded thoughtfully as we turned into my driveway.

“So, nearly every night I sat across the street and watched and waited. I tried to figure out if I was ready to give my submission another try and a way I could get inside the club, to check it out. Then one night a young woman left the building alone. It was Carnation. I rushed across the street and stopped her. I asked how I could be invited to join the party. She nearly jumped out of her skin because I scared the living hell out of her. There wasn’t one question she would answer outright. I’m pretty sure she thought I was an undercover cop or something.” I laughed softly, remembering how nervous she was.

“I finally lowered my jeans and showed her the tattoo on my hip. I guess she figured anyone who had the international BDSM symbol tattooed into their skin was pretty serious about the lifestyle. After a lot of begging, she finally agreed to meet me the next night. That’s when she passed an application to me. The rest is history.”

Mika pulled in my driveway alongside us, and I slowly eased from Drake’s car, crying out as a knife of pain sliced through my ass. In an instant, Mika was next to me, wrapping me in his arms and lifting me off the ground.

I buried my face in his chest and inhaled deeply. He smelled like rain, fresh and clean, but carried a hint of cinnamon apples, bizarrely reminiscent of my childhood. Dazed by the sudden feeling that in his arms was right where I belonged, tears stung my eyes.

He held me against his warm, solid chest as I sobbed. Emotions, like an angry swarm of bees, buzzed through me. I melted against him, absorbing his power, his warmth, and his gentle tenderness. At the same time, heartbreak for what I could never have made me long to run for the shelter of my house, lock the doors, and hide away from the invisible thread tugging me toward Mika. I wanted to hide from the feelings that had already begun blooming in my heart.

Mika tossed Drake my keys to unlock the front door. Slowly, as if afraid to jostle me, Mika carried me up the stairs and to my room. Drake fluffed my pillows then turned down the cover on my bed as Mika continued to keep me clutched tight and protected in his arms.

Two Dom’s taking care of me. I almost laughed. The role reversal was awkward and a bit unnerving, at least to me. Sure Sammie gave me aftercare, but this was far beyond the normal pampering a Dominant gave a sub after a session. Surely a few cuts on the butt weren’t enough reason for the two Doms to all but fall over themselves ensuring I was comfortable and had what I needed. I was just a sub. An unclaimed, and for all intents and purposes, an undesired sub. Yet both men were almost bumping into each other to help me.

It was stupid and dangerous for me to feel anything more than gratitude toward Mika. It was stupid and dangerous to allow myself to want and hunger for him. It wasn’t only stupid and dangerous, but complete insanity to cling to any thread of hope that my dreams meant something in the real world.

I resembled Vanessa too much. I would be a constant, bitter and painful reminder of what he’d lost. I’d be nothing more than a burden of agonizing memories, never a joy to his heart.

“When was the last time you ate something?” Drake asked as he peeled down the soft nylon shorts.

“Um, lunch with you...well, sort of,” I mumbled.

Drake turned and issued a perturbed stare. “You barely ate a bite at lunch. You’ll get the lecture about taking better care of yourself later.”

I nodded my head with a pensive look.

“I’ll make you some tea and toast and then we’ll get some pain meds in you. Mika, will you stay with her?” Drake asked.

“Of course. We’ll be fine. Come on, let’s get you into bed.” Mika gave me a little smile.

Drake nodded and left the room.

Mika helped me get into a semi-comfortable position on my side and then carefully sat on the edge of the bed, caressing my shoulder. I wanted to reach up, wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him to my lips. The gnawing need to taste him only reinforced the importance to distance myself. Of course, with his thigh resting against my belly and his warm, long fingers stroking my skin, distancing myself from him was delusional.

“I don’t want you to argue. I’m staying the night with you.”

So much for detachment. It was so absurd, I almost laughed.

“I promise to be a gentleman, and you can unequivocally trust me. You’ll need pain meds in the night, and I don’t want you here all alone. If you wake in the wee hours and need something, I’m going to be here for you. At some point Drake will have to go back to the club and pick up Trevor, so it makes sense that I stay with you.”

Could I fight him on this? Did I want to? The answer to both those questions was a resounding no.

“Honestly, Sir, you really don’t have to stay. I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to me because this happened in your club.”

“That has nothing to do with why I insist on staying, girl.” He lowered his head and with a severe look of warning, narrowed his eyes.

Then why was he staying? The question was on the tip of my tongue, yet I couldn’t find the courage to ask it. I couldn’t risk exposing so many raw emotions. Whispering my thanks, I kept my quagmire of cluttered thoughts to myself.

“I can’t stop reexamining my actions tonight. I should have demanded to leave the second he locked the door. My gut told me something wasn’t right, but I didn’t listen. I made excuses. His whole demeanor shifted so suddenly, and I assumed he’d been thoroughly vetted. Drake seemed to have confidence in him. Now I feel like I’ve just flushed everything I’ve ever learned about submission down the toilet.”

“You haven’t, Julianna. Don’t talk like that. And yes, Jordon
was
fully vetted before being allowed in. James is going over his application as we speak. James has...hmm, friends.” A sly smile curled on his lips. “We’ll get to the bottom of it right away because we missed something, something fucking important.” Mika’s tone was suffused with frustration. “I’m sorry we failed to protect you. Drake’s beating himself up unmercifully, and in all honesty I’m trying not to leave bruises on myself as well.”

“I know he is. And he shouldn’t be. Neither should you.” I looked straight into his lusty amber eyes. “I don’t want either of you to feel responsible for any of this. Everyone did everything right, except me. I should have known better than to get into a situation like that. After Drake left, I was still floating in subspace and felt so damn foggy it was hard for me to process exactly what was going on. I’d never been in subspace before and didn’t know it made you so drunk. Still, that’s no excuse. It was stupid of me to ignore the first red flag, I mean, I know all about the predators that gravitate to this lifestyle. How could I have been so damn blind and stupid?”

“Welcome to our world, girl. Drake and I are asking ourselves the same damn thing.”

“Well, thankfully you, Drake, and the guys came when you did. I just wish I hadn’t been so damn naïve. The person responsible for this mess is Jordon, but guilt isn’t always so levelheaded, and I want to will it all away, including my own.”

“Jordon is a goddamn player,” Mika roared as he launched off the bed and paced the room. “He knows shit about power exchange. The little dickweed was just looking for a kinky piece of ass.” His jaw ticked and his full, sensuous bottom lip twitched.

“I wanted him to take me.” My confession was fragile in remorse. “I wanted him to claim me. God that sounds so pathetic.” Tears slipped from my eyes. “I wanted...”

Mika rounded the bed and knelt, his face just inches from mine. “You wanted the dream, Julianna. There’s nothing wrong with that.” His words of understanding blanketed me as he wiped my tears with his broad, warm thumb.

“Yes, I did, because I’m a fool. I’ll never have the dream. I mean, I want it badly, but I don’t think I’m ever going to find it.” I sniffed with a disgruntled half-smile that felt more like a kid curling his lip at a plate of stewed spinach.

“You’re not a fool for wanting the dream. Hell, we all want the dream. It just takes time to find the right one. Trust me pet, I do know.”

“Do you want the dream?” I looked into his sympathetic eyes.

“Every time I step inside Genesis, I can taste it. Yes, girl, I want the dream.” Sorrow echoed in his words as he sat down next to me again and began to stroke my arm.

“But yet you don’t have...”

“I had the dream once...it died,” he subtly confessed.

“I hope the dream doesn’t die inside me,” I whispered, skirting his confession of loss.

“Don’t ever entertain that fear. The dream inside you will never die. Your submission is like air to your lungs. It’s who you are, girl.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss upon my forehead. “Lucky is the one worthy enough to claim you.”

“I thought I was supposed to be the worthy one. I mean, I’ve spent all these years learning how to be a good submissive so I am
worthy
.” I couldn’t help but grin.

“That’s exactly why it’s called a power exchange, girl.”

The erotic baritone timbre rolling from his throat made my heart ache and my eyes blur from tears.

“Oh, pet. Are you hurting?”

“Uh-huh.” I lied to disguise the actual reason for the tears trickling onto my pillow. How was I supposed to confess that my heart was breaking over his loss of Vanessa? How could I express my sympathies for life dealing him such a grievous blow? Or confess I’d walk through a field of broken glass for one chance to submit to him.

“Do you want to sit or lay while I feed you?” Drake asked. He stood in the doorway clutching a tray laden with cheese, fruit, and hot steaming tea.

“I’ll sit up. I’m going to feed myself, Moses. Thank you, but I’m not an invalid sweetheart...err I mean, Sir.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes at the thought of him feeding me.

Both burly men began helping me reposition myself, making sure I was comfortable. I started to giggle, then softly laugh, and finally burst into uncontrollable belly laughter.

“Don’t push your luck, girl,” Drake admonished with a scowl on his face.

I somewhat apologized between chuckles. Regaining my composure, I took a sip of the warm tea, and Drake began shoving cheese and fruit into my mouth.

“I can do this myself,” I protested.

“Humor me.” Drake’s eyes narrowed.

“Isn’t there a fetish for this?” I rapidly chewed as he continued to pop chunks of cantaloupe into my already full mouth.

“A fetish for what?” Drake asked in confusion.

“Forced feeding.”

Mika threw his head back and laughed. I couldn’t help but giggle right along with him. Drake shot me a vicious look as I wiped the juice trickling down my chin with the back of my hand.

“All I know is that your ass better heal up damn fast!” Drake growled and then kissed me hard, right on the lips. Pulling back, his eyes were filled with heartbreaking sorrow. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.”

I set my cup of tea on the tray and picked up his broad hand. Caressing it over my cheek, I placed a tender kiss on his palm.

“Moses. You have been my friend and mentor for years. I’ve never once questioned your ability to protect me. There is only one constant in my life and that is
you
.” Tears began to swell in my eyes as I frowned at his tormented expression. “I will never doubt your love or your friendship, never doubt that all you do for me makes me a better woman, a better human being, and a better submissive. I love you, Moses. Please stop. Please, for me? I’ve never asked for anything more important to me than this. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s breaking my heart.”