Embittered Ruby (40 page)

“What happens now? I have to do something.”

“Welcome back,” Donna spoke from the doorway.

Carmen looked up from where she slumped on the floor. Donna’s frown revealed she’d been listening long enough to know the subject.

“What am I going to do? I have to fix this.” Carmen’s careless words had destroyed an already-messed-up girl.

“Sometimes there’s no possible repair for actions, Carmen.” Donna offered a gentle smile. “Forgiveness is available from God, of course. And you can reach out to Leila by writing a letter or calling. But you can’t be guaranteed she’ll accept your apology. And even if she did, some of the words she read will leave lasting scars.”

Carmen sighed. “Just what Leila needed. More scars.” This time she let the tears come.

Donna crouched down. “What do you mean by that?”

“Her arms. Didn’t you ever wonder why she always wore long sleeves?”
Come on, Donna, think
. Wait a minute. “Didn’t you read my journal when Leila gave it to you guys?”

“Yes. But there were pages torn out before I got it.”

Leila probably destroyed the important parts. Carmen jumped up. “Donna. Leila cuts herself. And I mean all the time. She goes in the bathroom and slices up her arms.”

“Oh, dear Jesus.” Donna’s face turned white.

“She’s in danger, isn’t she?”

Tricia jumped off the bunk. “Is that true?”

Carmen looked into her eyes and nodded.

“Then why on earth didn’t you say something to someone?” Tricia shook Carmen’s shoulders.

“I didn’t…I don’t know…” Carmen withered under Tricia’s glare. She deserved it.

Donna held up a hand. “That’s not important now. I need to get Ben involved and talk to her parents right away.” She took off toward the stairs.

The room remained so quiet, Carmen was sure they could hear her heart pounding. What had she done? She asked herself that question a lot, didn’t she? Well, she left a lot of terror in her wake. But this time…

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Even us?” Tricia’s eyes drooped. “I don’t get it.”

“I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was because I was protecting her privacy or keeping her secret. Though the thought did cross my mind.” Carmen took a deep breath. “The honest truth about why I let the poor girl deal with her pain her own way is because I didn’t really care. I was too selfish to let her problems affect me as anything more than fodder for gossip.”

Kira nodded. “I’ve been there.” “This is all my fault, and I will fix it.”

“So how do you feel about a new roommate?” Roxy hesitated in the bedroom doorway.

Carmen motioned her in. “You? You’re a super cool roomie. I just don’t like how this happened. You know.” Carmen shrugged. “I’m sure you know the story.”

Roxy crossed her legs and sat on the floor beside Carmen, leaning against the bottom bunk. She hung her head, the newly dyed band of bright-red hair fell in front of her eyes. “Yeah.

Um, I was wondering. What did you say about me in that book of yours? I mean, it’s weird to know it exists somewhere but not be able to read it.”

Carmen sighed and plucked at strands of carpet. “I wish I’d never started that thing. No good can come of it. It’s nothing but a catalog of people’s faults.” Like she didn’t have any of her own. “You know what I’d say about me if I were writing in it?”

Roxy lifted her bright-blue eyes. “No, but now you’ve got me curious.”

“I’d write: ‘Dear Nellie, Carmen Castillo is a big loser. She makes fun of other people because she hates herself. She lies and manipulates people because she doesn’t believe she’s worthy of their love without her deception. She is the most negative, ugly hearted person I know. She has no friends, and I can see why. And her clothes? How about a new pair of jeans? Love, Carmen.’”

Roxy nodded. “That was pretty honest. Brutal, but honest.” She grimaced. “Was mine that bad?”

“No. I didn’t spend enough time with you, so my entry about you was mostly questions. Why is she here? Where did she come from? Why is she so quiet? You know, that sort of thing.”

“Want answers?”

Carmen nodded.

“I’m here because I beat up my mom’s boyfriend after he beat her up. I come from Madison, Wisconsin. I’m quiet because people usually don’t listen when I talk anyway. And, like you, I don’t have any friends.” Roxy looked down at her checkerboard Converse.

“Maybe we could be friends.”

“Really?” Roxy offered the first hint of a smile.

“As long as you never, ever say ‘BFF’ in my presence. That makes me want to hurl.”

***

B
en put a hand on Carmen’s shoulder as they walked from the prayer room toward his office. “I’ve arranged a conference call via Skype with your family.” He stopped, put his hands on her shoulders, and looked her in the eyes. “Are you ready?”

Was she ready? Well, who knew? She couldn’t answer that unless she knew what the outcome of the conversations would be. Was she ready for any potential outcome? No. Was she strong enough to do her part and hope for the best? Probably.

“I’m ready.”

“Good. It’s necessary that you settle some of those relationships.”

Carmen took a shuddering breath. What would they say to her? What would Mom say? After three weeks of no communication, would it be awkward?

“First you’ll have a few minutes to talk with your mom without the others on the line.” Ben held the door open for her to enter. The computer was all set up with the flat-screen monitor facing the guest chairs. Ben took one and waited for Carmen to sit in the other. He was going to stay and listen? That could get awkward. Maybe he’d leave once it got going.

Ben moved the mouse around and clicked on some buttons. The screen came to life. He typed in some numbers, selected a few boxes, then pressed C
ALL
.
Connecting…

So Mom would show up right there in that little box? How strange to talk to her like that. Could she see Carmen on the other end?

Connected…

Carmen gasped. “Hi, Mom. You look fantastic.” She didn’t look a day past thirty. Her makeup was perfect, and her wrinkles had all but disappeared. Had she had a face-lift? No way she’d spend money on that.

“Thanks. It’s great to see your face.” Her smile was bright. Teeth whitener?

Enough of the inspection. Time to get serious. Carmen looked right into the webcam. “Mom, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. I’ve messed up so bad. I’ve lied to you, and I know I’ve hurt you deeply. I’m…just really sorry. Can you forgive me?”

“I already forgave you, Carmen. The day you were born you became my daughter, and nothing you do will ever change that fact. I’ll admit, I haven’t been thrilled with your choices lately, but I’ve never stopped loving you.”

Hmm. “Ben says that’s how God is. Do you think that, too?”

“That’s exactly the way God loves you. I’m so glad to see you’re starting to figure that out.” She seemed to be selecting her words. “You know, even though I have loved you since birth, the God who created you has loved you since the beginning of time. He is passionate about you. And He’s already forgiven you—you only need to accept it.”

Carmen nodded and exhaled for what felt like the first time all day. “I think I get that.” Carmen turned to Ben. “How do I do that?”

“I think your mom is doing an excellent job of explaining.

I’m going to let her continue.” Ben nodded at the camera.

“Sweetie, I can understand you turning to Ben for spiritual leadership. I haven’t been very strong in that area. But that’s all going to change. Can you trust me?”

Carmen nodded. This was a side of Mom she’d never seen before.

“Accepting Christ requires you to humble yourself, admitting to God that you’re a sinner—we all are—and that you need His gift of grace. Then you have to live in faith that even though you’re a work in progress, the forgiveness is complete.” Mom leaned forward. “Do you want to do that right now?”

Carmen nodded. “It’s scary, but I believe it’s real.”

“It’s okay to be scared about turning your life upside down. But it won’t be like that. You’ll see.” Mom reached a hand out as though touching Carmen.

Ben laid a hand on her shoulder.

Mom cleared her throat. “Repeat this prayer after me, but consider the words. Make them your own.”

Carmen gulped then nodded. “Okay.”

“Father God, I stand before You with a broken and sinful heart.”

Oh boy. Here goes. “God, I stand before You with a broken and sinful heart.”

“Please forgive me for my sins. I accept Your gift of grace.”

“Please forgive me for my sins, and I accept Your grace.” It wasn’t so hard to pray. Why had she fought it so long?

“I want to live my life in relationship with You from this day forward.”

Carmen nodded. “I want to be in a relationship with You from now on.”

“And I surrender my life to You. Amen.”

“And I surrender my life to You. Thank You for loving me,

Jesus. Amen.” Where had that last part come from? Carmen hadn’t meant to add that on, but neither could she stop herself.

She opened her eyes. “Is that it?”

“That’s it.” Mom grinned. “How do you feel?”

How did she feel? Carmen took inventory on her emotions. “I feel like me. Only clearer. At peace. Forgiven.”

“Ahh. Blissful, isn’t it?”

“It really is.” If only that moment didn’t have to end. Carmen had so much repair work to do. But at least now she didn’t have to do it alone.

Ben coughed. “I have to say, that was one of the most touching moments I’ve had since I’ve been here.” He wiped his eyes with a hanky. “Carmen, is it okay if your dad joins us now?”

“Daddy’s there?” What was he doing at Mom’s apartment in New Jersey?

Mom shook her head. “No, no. I think Ben is going to conference him in. Is that right, Ben?”

“Yes. Just give me a moment to bring him into the call. If we get disconnected, we’ll call you right back.”

Carmen fidgeted in her seat and stared out the window while Ben’s body blocked her view of the screen. Carmen missed her daddy. The old him—not the newly divorced, single-father edition. What would Dad say to her? He’d always been more liberal than Mom, but what if Carmen’s actions had pushed him over the edge? And what would he say about her new commitment to Christ?

Ben sat down in his chair beside Carmen. “I think that did it.”

Connecting…

“Carmen? Is that my girl?” Dad’s smile spread across his webcam box beside Mom’s.

“It’s me, Daddy. It’s good to see you.”

“You, too, baby. How are you?”

“Dad? First I want to tell you that I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you guys…or anyone. But I did some dumb things. I’m really sorry.”

“Thanks, but I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I haven’t been a great dad this year, and I’ve allowed some things I never should have. I’m sorry for not protecting your innocence and for not being there for you.”

Carmen wiped her eyes. She refused to cry. “I love you,

Daddy.”

“I love you, too.” He took a deep breath.

“I want to tell you something.” Carmen squared her shoulders. “I’m a Christian now. I’ve accepted Jesus as my Savior.” Wow. Saying it out loud for the first time was really cool.

Daddy gasped. “That’s wonderful, angel. I’m so proud of you.”

Where had that come from? “You are? But you don’t get into all that God stuff. You never have.”

“Well, I never have, but I’ll look into it if it’s something important to you. I should have a long time ago. It’s probably what made your mom such a better person than I am.”

Carmen couldn’t help but steal a glance at Mom’s face in her video box.

Mom’s teeth clamped down hard on her lip. Smart woman.

“I’m glad to hear that, Dad. I figured you’d laugh it off as a crutch or just the next phase I’d go through.”

He shook his head. “No. This is different. My baby is growing up.” He smiled. “Hey, how about we start going to church together when you move home?”

“I’d love that so much.”

“Now I have some news for you.”

Oh boy. He and Tiffany are getting married. “What is it?” It would be okay. She could handle it. “Tiff and I broke up.”

“What?” Carmen forced her voice lower than the shout she wanted to release. “You broke up? Why?” She sure hadn’t seen that one coming.

“We wanted different things out of life, and I didn’t like who I’d become to my family. So I’m going to focus on my girls for a while and not worry about dating.” Dad smiled. “Does that sound okay to you?”

“Yeah, totally. I mean, Tiffany had some good qualities. She turned out not to be as horrible as I thought. But she wasn’t a mom. She wasn’t Mom.” Carmen glanced to the webcam vignette just to the right of Dad’s face.

“Mom, does this mean…? Are you and Dad…you know?”

“No. Not right now. Who knows what the future holds? But we’re taking it all one day at a time. With our hearts and minds on you girls most of all.”

Carmen let that thought wash over her. Bliss.

“Speaking of girls, I have two sitting outside the door to this room who are desperate to talk to their big sis.”