Embittered Ruby (39 page)

Nate’s sad gaze pierced her heart. He wasn’t buying it.

“Have you talked to your mom since you left Diamond Estates?”

What did that have to do with anything? Why was he changing the subject? “No. Why?”

“Because she loves you, and she’s so worried about you.” Nate shook his head. “Your sisters, your dad…It doesn’t make any sense to me how you could just avoid them like you are.”

Humiliation. Regret. “I don’t know, Nate. I guess I’m just running…or hiding. Whatever. I know it’s wrong. I can imagine they’re pretty hurt.” Carmen gulped back a sob. She refused to cry.

“That’s an understatement.” Nate took her hand again. “Will you contact them? For me?”

“Anything. Yes. I’ll do it today.” Carmen sounded desperate, but she couldn’t help it. She
was
desperate. What did she ever do to deserve someone like Nate? “I’ll go back.”

“Think about it—pray about it—before you make promises. Make sure you’re ready.”

Did he say pray about it? When had he started pushing prayer? Had he found what she’d been unable to?

“I’m leaving for the airport in an hour.” Her stomach clenched. They needed more time. “An hour? Why so soon? You just got here.”
Don’t go. Please
.

“It has to be this way. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t tempted to stay here holed up in this place with you. But listen. If you can find the will to go back to Diamond Estates, dive into the program, and let it change your heart, I’m here…waiting for you.”

If. If. If. Even though Carmen bristled at the ultimatum, she knew he was right. In the end, he deserved someone who had her act together. Thankfully he wanted that someone to be her. Could she do it? She could sure try.

But what if she failed?

Billy entered the family room humming “My Boyfriend’s Back.” He stopped abruptly. “What are you doing sitting here all alone in the dark?”

Carmen shrugged.

“How long have you been like that?” Billy sat beside her and touched her leg. “You’re freezing.” He covered her with a blanket. “Have you not moved since Nate left? I laid down for a nap hours ago.”

“If I move, I have to do something. This way I can prolong the inevitable.” Even Carmen heard the despair in her voice.

“What are you talking about, Carmen? Talk to me.”

“I can never be what Nate wants me to be—what he deserves.” Carmen put her head in her hands.

“You should never let another person try to change you. You should always be yourself.”

“No. It’s not like that. I’m talking about the basics. Honesty. Trust. Loyalty. Respect. Commitment. He’d like to see some of those qualities in me. I guess I would, too. But the harder I try, the more I just want to give up.”

Billy nodded.

“I mean, I promised Nate that I’d go back to Diamond Estates, talk to my family, get it together. But I kind of wonder if it’s even worth trying. Maybe I should just tell him I went back and pretend all is well. But that would be just another deception in a long history of lies.”

“You don’t want that.” Billy’s voice dropped, and he looked away.

“Then there’s you.” Carmen shrugged. “I think maybe we could have had something with each other if my life wasn’t such a big mess. But I feel like I owe it to the old me—the one who hurt everyone I loved—to fix things.”
If that’s possible
.

“Making things right is great, but be sure you don’t try to resurrect a relationship just because you think you owe it to someone.”

Carmen nodded. Add Billy to the list of people she’d hurt. “I’m sorry you got bruised along the way.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me. Besides, we have no idea how God is going to end this story.”

“You really think He is involved in what happens? You really think He cares?”

“Yes, very much so. Do you believe in God?”

“I—I think so.” Carmen looked up. “I don’t know. But if you really do, then why…Why the partying and rebelling? Why the drugs?”

Billy nodded. “I know. It makes no sense. But truth is, I’m just like you. It got tough for me when Naomi died. I just figured I’d never be able to make it on the Christian journey with the rage I had in my heart. So rather than try, I just let go. Really pathetic when you think about it.” He grimaced.

“Any regrets?”

“All day, every day.”

U
h…Carmen? Someone’s here for you!” Billy shouted through the bathroom door. Seriously? This showing up unannounced while she was in the shower needed to stop. Carmen turned off the faucet and twisted her hair and let the water drip off. Who could it be this time? Maybe Nate.

Carmen rubbed the towel over her body and absorbed most of the moisture then threw on her clothes, which mopped up the rest. She ran a comb through her hair and twisted it back in a clip.

When did people stop calling to say they were coming by? Too bad she couldn’t have retrieved her cell phone from Ben’s stash before she’d ducked out.

Ready as she could get, Carmen plastered a smile on her face and threw the door open.
Please be Nate
.

Olivia. And she wasn’t smiling.

Carmen’s stomach lurched as her archenemy strode toward her.

Would Olivia hit her? But Carmen hadn’t spoken to Justin even once since the whole lie thing. She’d given up on the possibility of Justin. It was just a stupid game. Olivia wouldn’t see it that way though.

As she walked across the room, Olivia’s face softened. Her lips turned up into a smile, and she reached out her arms, pulling Carmen into a stiff hug.

What? In some time warp, Carmen was being hugged by Olivia. It couldn’t be real. Or if it was, the girl was crazy. What should Carmen do? She couldn’t hug Olivia back. How weird. Maybe she was high? With her face pressed over Olivia’s shoulder, Carmen could smell the scent of strawberry in her hair. And, oh look. A vibrant purple streak ran down from the top of Olivia’s head. Had she always had that? How had Carmen missed it before?

Finally Olivia’s grip loosened, and Carmen stepped back. “Um…care to fill me in on what this is all about?” Carmen smoothed her hair and straightened her clothes.

“Sure. I just wanted to tell you I forgive you.”

“Uh. Okay. Thanks?” Didn’t people usually have to apologize before they were forgiven? It was probably step forty-seven in the Diamond Estates program to forgive everyone who hurt you. But come on. Wasn’t that pushing things a bit?

“I understand where you’re at and why you did what you did. I’d like to put it behind us so we can be friends.”

Maybe she did understand. She’d been in a similar place in her own life. But was it a trick? “Friends, like real friends? Or is this a keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer kind of thing?” Probably the latter.

“Definitely real. I don’t have time for games in my life. I’ve been praying for you, and I feel like this is what God wants for all of us.” Olivia put out her hand. “Friends?”

It’s worth a shot
. Carmen shook Olivia’s hand. “Friends.”

“Now the other reason I’m here…” Olivia glanced around her. “I know it’s going to be hard to leave all this…”

“Hey. This is an awesome place,” Billy called from the kitchen.

“No offense meant to the voice behind the curtain.” Olivia gestured at the apartment and shook her head. “We can do better than this. What’s it going to take for you to let me take you back to Diamond Estates?”

“Will you go in with me to talk to Ben?” He’d never forgive her. Not like Olivia had.

“Easy one. Let’s go.”

S
o. Here we are.” Ben sat in his desk chair in his favorite pose with his hands behind his head. “Back where we started.” He didn’t look angry. More like blank with a touch of disappointment. Carmen rubbed her palms on her jeans until the friction warmed them. What could she say to him? There was no explanation or excuse that sounded even remotely plausible. Anything she said would come off as defensiveness. Suppose she could start with an apology.

Carmen took a deep breath and raised her eyes to lock with Ben’s. “I’m
really
sorry.” Emphasis on the really. And not just because she wanted to come back. Though Ben might think so. Ben nodded. “I appreciate your apology.” What was he waiting for? He didn’t try very hard to make stuff like this easy, did he? What else did he want from her? If only there were some magic formula. She could try honesty. “Is it okay if I come back? I want to come back.”

“Why?”

A good question. With no simple answer. “I want to stop running. I want to raise the white flag and give up the control. I want to stop lying and manipulating everyone. I want to be someone people can be proud of…someone I can be proud of.” Was that enough? Because she had more if he wanted to hear it.

“Those are great things. How do you think coming back to Diamond Estates will help you achieve them?”

He was full of the hard questions. “Um. I just…I guess I need training. I need you guys to help me know God personally and stick to my commitments until they become a real part of me.”

Ben dropped his hands and rocked forward, his chair squeaking and bouncing. He jabbed a finger at Carmen. “That’s it. Right there. That’s what we’re talking about here. Knowing God and making commitments that become part of who you are. Is that really what you want, or are those just pretty words because you know what I want to hear? Really think about that.”

Carmen searched her inner thoughts. Was there any deception there? Was she running yet again, this time back to safety? Was she doing this only to get Nate back? No. No. No. She meant what she said.

“That’s really what I want.”
Desperately
.

“Then welcome home.”

Carmen knocked gently on the door to her old room. Ben had promised she still had a home waiting for her in there, but she’d believe it when she saw it. The door squeaked open a few inches, so she peeked in. “Anyone home?”

“Hey! You’re back.” Tricia grinned from her bunk and laid that month’s
Vogue
on her chest.

Kira jumped up and pulled Carmen into a hug. “We were so happy when we found out you’d be home today.”

Happy? Carmen expected reluctant but amenable at best. “I see you saved my spot.” Carmen looked over her things. “I was gone for three weeks. What if I hadn’t come back? How long would they have kept this all here?”

Tricia shrugged. “I doubt there’s any set amount of time. I think they just always knew this was part of your journey, and you’d have your fill and return.”

Carmen nodded. Smart people.

Her eyes traveled from her bunk to the one below it. A black blanket with black sheets and a black throw pillow covered Leila’s bunk. Had she gotten new bedding? That somber look didn’t seem like something she’d choose for herself. “So where’s Leila?”

Tricia looked at Kira and groaned. “I really don’t want to tell you this.” She closed her eyes.

Had something happened to Leila? Why were they making such a big deal out of it? “What happened? Just tell me.”

“Roxy sleeps there now. Leila went home a few days ago. She left the program.”

“Oh man. She was nowhere near ready for that.” What about the cuts on her arm? Carmen had never told anyone or done anything to help her. What would happen to her now?

Tricia and Kira shared another strained look. There was something they weren’t telling Carmen.

“What else? Come on. Tell me.”

“She left because…because she found your journal and read it. I guess there was a lot in there about her. You’d know better than we would.” Kira gave Carmen a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

No. The air squeezed from Carmen’s lungs like they were in a vice grip. She leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. She could see Leila opening the book in curiosity then little by little feeling her world crumble around her. The words she’d written about Leila ran through Carmen’s brain like the news tickers on Times Square.

…unattractive…mousy…if the horse would hold her…never been kissed…never would be kissed…cutting…what a dumb thing to do…

“I can’t believe this. It’s horrible.” Carmen put her head in her hands. “What did she say?”

“Nothing to us. I guess she took the book to Donna so no one else would find it and then asked to go home.” Kira looked away. “Ben doesn’t give up easily when a girl wants to leave. She must have been pretty convincing.”