Embarkment 2577 (28 page)

Now what? I didn’t recognize any of
them. I shifted my weight from foot to foot and the man closest to me said,
“You can go in, ma’am.”

Fleeing would probably be cowardice. I
should go forward.

The door opened to show Jia’Lyn’s back.
She didn’t turn around, but a few of her snakes watched me. Adam sat in the
sofa with his hands resting on his lap.

“Someone tried to jump ship. Desertion
is a serious violation, and your husband will spend a few days in house arrest.
Okay with you, Alex?”

“Yes. Of course. Thank you.” Thanking
her might not be the most appropriate phrase, but I meant it with all my heart.

“Commander, you will submit yourself to
counseling. I will schedule an appointment for you today. You are not to leave
these rooms under any circumstances.”

“Fine.” He didn’t sound like it was
fine.

Jia’Lyn nodded towards me. “The guards
are instructed to let
you
move freely. You guys take care.”

She left and I was almost giddy. Adam
was home. It might be reluctantly, but he was there. Human guards wouldn’t stop
him if he really wanted to leave, but for now he didn’t seem willing to defy
orders just to get away from me. This might be my one opportunity and I must
not mess it up.

I took a seat next to him, making sure
to give him space. “I wish you were here for another reason, but it’s still
good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

He looked at his hands. “It’s good to
see you too.”

I reached out to touch his arm, but he
got up and walked over to a window. He stood with his back straight, staring
out at the stars, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. This wasn’t a good time
to cry, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

I assumed Adam just looked out the
window, but as soon as a treacherous tear escaped and rolled down my cheek he
said, “Please don’t cry.”

He turned around to face me, looking strong, certain,
and impossibly handsome. This couldn’t be the same man I married, the one I
shared so much with. The thought made my tears flow faster.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I almost killed you. It could
happen again.”

I couldn’t answer. My voice would break, so I shook my
head. Adam hesitated, but finally crouched in front of me and brushed a lock of
my hair away.

“Eve might have been right. Maybe I shouldn’t be
around humans. Maybe this was doomed from the start.”

At least he was talking to me. More progress than we’d
made for quite some time… “She’s not right.”

I swallowed hard before speaking, but my voice still
wavered. The contrast made him seem even more composed and reasonable. “Alex,
those things that happened, they couldn’t have happened if I’d been human. A
part of me was aware of what I did to you, but I still couldn’t stop it. What
if… What if I were to get angry with you in everyday life and accidentally
kill you?”

“You’re making it sound as if a door has been opened
in you that will let all sorts of horrors through, but it’s not like that.
You’re not like that. You’re my man and I love you. I
need
you, Adam.”

If something did happen again, so what? It was worth
it. He wouldn’t see it like that, of course. I balanced on the edge between
bringing him closer and scaring him away.

Tears still flowed from my eyes, and he touched my
cheek very gently. “You know that I love you, right?”

I nodded and leaned forward to wrap my arms around
him. This time he didn’t withdraw, but he hesitated before hugging me back, and
held me ever so carefully.

“Please don’t leave me. I’ve missed you so much.”

He kissed the top of my head and fetched a box of
Kleenex. Once he got back, handing me a wad of soft paper tissue, I was getting
myself back under control. “I’m sorry.”

My husband shook his head, and we sat in silence for a
few moments, side by side. I longed for him to hold me, but he seemed afraid
to. I mumbled, “I’ll be right back,” and went to splash some water on my face.
Crying didn’t bring out the best in me.

When I got back, he had made a cup of tea for me. It
waited on the table, and he stood by the window again. I ignored the mug and
wrapped my arms around him from behind. I didn’t expect him to turn around and
return the hug, and my heart took a leap when he did.

“I’m afraid to touch you. I’m afraid to miscalculate
and hurt you.”

I buried my face against his chest. “I’m not going to
break.”

I knew he didn’t believe me, and I debated with more
than an ordinary human emotion. It had been proven to him things would go
terribly wrong, and he probably waited for it to happen again.

“You know exactly how hard you can hold me, it’s never
been a problem, and if you would overdo it I promise to tell you.”

“I wish it was that easy. Come on, have your tea.”

I sipped the last of my tea when Anya
arrived. Adam lifted an eyebrow. “You don’t waste any time, do you?”

Leaving wasn’t appealing now when he was
finally home, but it might be for the best. I fiddled with the mug. “Do you
guys want me to give you some space?”

“If it’s alright with Adam, you can
stay.”

He snatched my cup away and headed for
the replicator. “I doubt there’s anything in my mind you don’t already know.”

I didn’t really want more tea, but he seemed to need
the distraction. Was this as weird to them as to me?

“Adam, I’m going to ask you a few questions, just so
we get talking, but feel free to say anything that’s on your mind. We’ll be
doing this every day for a while, and there’s plenty of time to talk about
anything that might be bothering you.”

He shrugged, but looked like he wanted to roll his
eyes and tell her he worried about killing his wife.

“How do you feel about me being here?”

“I don’t feel. I’ve been ordered to submit myself to
your services and I will.”

Anya leaned her head a little to the side. “I see.
And, why don’t you feel?”

Interesting question. He sat with his back straight as
always, looking like the epitome of serenity. “I keep my emotions suppressed
because they affect my judgement. They keep me from doing the things I
logically should do.”

“So, when you decided to leave the ship earlier today,
was that based on logic or emotion?”

“Logic.”

“Would you care to elaborate on this?”

A hologram analysing an android. What a peculiar world.
Adam answered in a final tone of voice, “No.”

Anya didn’t flinch. “Please do anyway.”

“I have hurt someone I care about a great deal, and
I’m trying to prevent it from happening again.”

“Don’t you think disappearing might also hurt this
person you care for?”

“Probably, but that isn’t lethal.”

A big gulp of tea was the only thing keeping me from
blurting out something stupid: I was pretty sure a human could die from a
broken heart. This session wasn’t about
me,
and I needed to keep quiet.

“Do you still want to leave?”

Adam sounded tired. “I don’t
want
to leave, but
there are many things I didn’t want to happen.”

Anya fixed her pale eyes on me. “How do you feel about
it?”

“Who, me?” They both watched me in silence, and I
should probably tell the truth. “I would rather die.”

“Your wife says she’d rather die than have you
disappear from her. Do you still think it would be for the best? How does it
make you feel?”

I expected him to answer with the same unflustered
attitude, but he snapped. “I heard her just fine, and I told you I don’t feel.”

Of course not… Perish the thought. For a second, the
expression in his eyes reminded me of a forgotten pressure boiler about to
explode.

“That’s fine, Commander.”

I envied her ability to pretend everything was normal.
She rested a hand on his arm. “Adam, I’m saying this not just as a counsellor,
but as your friend. I don’t know the details of what happened to the two of
you, and Alex refuses to talk about it. She claims you weren’t responsible for
it, and she has forgiven you. All she wants is you. The moment she opened her
eyes after surgery, she asked for you.”

He didn’t even blink.

“Your wife has forgiven you, but you need to forgive
yourself too. I’ll be back tomorrow and we can talk more about this.”

The rest of the afternoon was weird. Adam seemed as
happy to be home as I was to have him there, but also afraid to relax and let
himself be comfortable. We couldn’t find anything to say or do that didn’t lead
back to the same dead end. I finally resorted to the only thing that never
failed us: science. “There’s something I don’t understand. John said that all
matter in the universe is created in the stars. Does that mean all planetary
systems will have different kinds of matter depending on what sort of star they
have?”

I would normally avoid these subjects like the plague,
but now I needed him to talk. Hopefully for a great length of time. He frowned.
“When did you become interested in the laws of the universe?”

“While you were away. I’ve been bored.”

Normally, something like
this
would bore me to
tears. This day, I stayed alert for hours as Adam explained about fusion and
fission, covalent chemical bonds, and a lot of other things that should send me
straight off to dreamy land. He pulled up holograms and drew diagrams of
different systems and planets we’d visited, to give me a frame of reference.

When I finally zoned out, he met my eyes with a smile
tugging at his lips. “I didn’t think you’d be able to listen this long.”

“I didn’t think so either, but it appears I was mistaken.”

He ran a hand over my shoulder, and for a moment
everything seemed to be alright. He was so close, and my heart called out to
kiss him.

I expected him to draw back and flee, but he didn’t.
Although, he held me very carefully. “This is insane. You know that, right? You
shouldn’t tempt me.”

“Why? Is Cain still in there with you?”

Might not have been the most tactful thing to say; it
just popped out of my mouth.

“I hope not.”

“Good. Then we should be alright.” I kissed him again,
and he returned it with much more intensity than I expected.

*****

I woke in the middle of the night, surprised to find
Adam next to me. I had expected him to get up and potter about with something
the minute I fell asleep. He had his hands behind his head and stared up at the
ceiling. I rolled over and snuggled my head down on his shoulder. “Are you
alright?”

He didn’t move. “No.”

Not the answer I anticipated, but it was honest.

“There’s something wrong with me.”

“What is it, lover?” His words should probably have
frightened me, but I was relieved. Maybe he was finally ready to tell me and we
could work it out.

“I feel. I can’t turn it off, it’s not right, and it’s
getting worse every minute.”

“That’s not what I thought you would say.”

He wrapped his arms around me, and the touch sent
tingles down my spine.

“I can see
that
. When I’m with the crew and
someone is just a little slow or doesn’t get something, I want to tear a hole
in the hull and see them all float into space. Just to get rid of them, you
know. I can’t do my job. Every time we meet something I want to fire all
weapons and blow it out of the sky. And you…”

The brief pause seemed to last forever. I wanted to
say something to make him hurry up, but I was afraid to break whatever spell
made him talk at all.

“I want to lock you up somewhere, where only I can see
you. When other people look at you or talk to you, I want to hurt them. I love
you and I want you, but even that is overshadowed by jealousy. A part of me is
still reasoning and knows it’s preposterous to want to crush Anya’s processor
for being your friend, but I feel only rage.”

Very, very bad. Did androids get mental breakdowns?

“It’s like… I feel like I have a volume control on
my negative emotions, and it’s set far above max. I can’t keep it under control
anymore. That’s why I tried to leave today; I think I’m going insane.”

How much did it cost him to appear so calm earlier? I
couldn’t even imagine the amount of self-control he would have needed to get
through the day. With his strength, he could create a disaster if he lost
restraint for just part of a second.

I weighed my words carefully. “I love you, Adam. I
understand you can’t reason with a feeling, but you have nothing to be jealous
about, and I hope I’ve never given you reason to think otherwise.”

He laughed joylessly, “You haven’t, and a part of me
knows that, but…”

“I understand. Your sister…”

The grip on me tightened. “Don’t call that bitch my
sister.”