Dreaming Awake (5 page)

As I sat there, thinking about him, I began to really miss him. I wanted him. A new need clawed its way to the surface. I was done waiting. What exactly had I been waiting for anyway? We loved each other and it was time to take the next step in our relationship. Emboldened further by my spiked drink, I decided to do something about it.

I declined another “refresh” of my drink, but it took a while to get out of the restaurant. I got stopped several times on my way to the door with offers of rides home, a few welcome backs, and two boys who wanted me to watch them arm-wrestle. Honestly, they made me feel like I was some kind of celebrity or something.

The fresh air felt good when I finally got outside. I wasn’t drunk—at least I didn’t think I was. I’d had alcohol only one other time and it had made me dizzy and then sick. I didn’t feel like that this time. I felt . . . a little wicked, though.

As I walked the dark streets of Serendipity Falls, I realized I wasn’t afraid. That was probably stupid and I wondered if maybe that was a symptom of the vodka after all. I should have taken a ride home, but as I meandered through town I felt emboldened when I realized that I
was
one of the frightening things in the dark now.

Haden’s bedroom light was on, but the rest of the house was dark. How long had I been at Hootenany’s? I checked my clock. It was only nine. I had left a note for my father on my pillow, in case he happened to check on me when he got home. I didn’t hold out much hope for that. He would assume I was safely tucked away in bed. I think he thought I wouldn’t run away again if I had no rules at all. Either that or he just really no longer cared.

I pushed that thought away and tapped on Haden’s window.

His face was scrunched in annoyance as he pulled up his blinds and peered out through the glass. When he saw it was me, annoyance turned to confusion. He slid the window open. “Theia, what are you doing here?”

“Help me up,” I answered, tucking my phone into my jeans pocket.

“Is something wrong with the door?” he asked as he leaned out and pulled me through as if I weighed nothing.

“I didn’t want to wake Varnie.”

He set me on my feet and I looped my arms around his neck. “I missed you.”

“Have you been drinking?” He pulled back to look me in the eyes. “What is going on?”

I waved my hand. “Just one. It’s not a big deal.”

His eyebrows arched incredulously. “
Just one? Not a big deal?
What exactly is going on? The Theia I know doesn’t drink or sneak out of her house, and she would never tap on people’s windows in the middle of the night.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s nine o’clock. It’s the middle of the night only if you’re seventy. Relax, I had one drink and I’m fine. I just missed you. You’re my boyfriend, after all. And the last time I saw you, you yelled at me. I came here to make up.” I poked my finger into his chest. “Even though
you
are the one who should be making up with me.”

He angled his chin to send me one of his formidable don’t-mess-with-the-demon looks. “Theia,” he warned.

Instead of being chastened like he expected, I giggled. “Aren’t you at least a little happy to see me?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like that you’ve been drinking.”

“That’s very hypocritical of you. You drink.” I had my hands on my hips like we were confronting each other on the playground and it was my turn for the swing. I felt a little foolish, actually. I’d been hoping for a warmer welcome.

“I’m quite a bit older than you, if you recall. Besides, this isn’t about me. This is about you doing things out of character.” He pried my hands off my hips and shook them gently to loosen me up. “You’re being a little defensive right now.”

I slipped from his grasp. “And you’re being a little condescending right now.”

He leaned against his dresser and tunneled his hands through his hair. “Let’s start over, okay? I am, of course, happy to see you. I’m always happy to see you.”

I realized I was pouting, so I relaxed my mouth just as I noticed a smile playing on his lips. “What?”

“You’re adorable.”

I groaned inwardly. “Stop being charming. I’m mad at you.”

He took a step towards me. “I’m sorry.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”

“Not exactly, but I assume it’s the best way to get you to stop being mad at me.” He took another step. “I don’t want to fight. And I’m sorry, really I am. I shouldn’t have snapped at you in the hallway today.” His arm snaked around my waist, his fingers pressing into my back. “Forgive me?”

Hopeless. When he touched me, I was completely in his thrall. “I don’t know. If I forgive you, what will we do instead of fight?”

“I’m sure we can find something to pass the time.” His eyes darkened even more and my belly fluttered at his words.

He began at my shoulder and trailed soft kisses up the line of my neck and to my jawbone. I wanted . . . no, I
needed
Haden with a yearning so ferocious it scared me. It felt like he’d struck a match inside me and burned away everything that wasn’t him. I clutched him tightly, afraid that if I let go I’d fall off the world.

The yearning had a will of its own and I trembled with its ache. I had no reserve of control left. I
wanted
to surrender completely to desire, to Haden. The roaring of my heartbeat filled my ears as I let my body brush more firmly against his.

Every cell blossomed with longing; there wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t aware of him. I craved Haden like oxygen, wanted him closer. I felt the searing brand of his lips and knew he touched my soul with them. We tumbled onto his bed, a jumble of arms and legs and lips. I just couldn’t get close enough.

“Theia, stop.”

I heard him, on some level, but not one that I heeded.

“Theia.” Haden held my wrists together between us with one strong hand. His chest was heaving and his lips were swollen and stained pink. Mine must have looked the same. They felt so tender. Vulnerable. “We can’t.”

The words sounded as if they’d been torn from him.

“Why? Haden, why? Are you worried that I don’t want to?”

“No.” He laughed a little then, sitting up. “You’re pretty clear about your signals right now.”

I should have been embarrassed, but wasn’t. “Then why?” He still grasped my wrists, so I curled up onto my knees and leaned towards him. “I want to. I’m not even scared.” Well, okay, a little scared.

He groaned. “You’re making this very difficult.”

“Good.” I tried to reach for a kiss, but he held me away.

The rejection felt like a blow to my chest. I eased back onto my calves, looking at him as the haze of desire cleared. “You don’t want me?” I whispered.

Haden cut me off with a forceful kiss, stealing my breath. When he stopped, he rested his forehead to mine. “I
never
don’t want you. I swear. I wanted you even when I couldn’t remember who you were. Amnesia couldn’t keep me from recognizing that you are the other half of me—nothing will ever make me not crave you.”

We stayed like that for a moment. As in the past, I felt my heart skip and then resume a new rhythm, one that matched his. We both felt it. Our hearts synced in beat and yet I couldn’t get close enough to him.

“Why can’t we? Haven’t we been through enough trials? Nothing is promised to us, Haden. We need to take happiness where we can get it.”

Tomorrow might be too late. A shadow might steal the light.

The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I can’t make love to you, Theia. Not like this, and not now.”

“What is standing between us now? You risked your life to save me.”

He traced his finger down my cheek. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten your sacrifice.”

“Then what? What’s keeping us apart now?”

“You’re an innocent.”

I rolled my eyes. “I took a blood oath with a mare demon. I have demon blood inside me now. That book Amelia used didn’t think I was innocent.”

“But you are.” His voice lowered. “You aren’t a demon, not really; you’ve only been poisoned by one. But I am, and you are an . . .
innocent
.”

A blush heated my skin and my cheeks felt too warm. Whatever words were coming next he didn’t want to say and I certainly didn’t want to hear.

Haden squeezed my hands. “If a demon takes a virgin . . .”

I couldn’t look at him.

He let go of my hands and cupped my chin, bringing my gaze back to his. “If I take your virginity—” He bit off his words, though I hadn’t stopped him.

“What? Is this like when you didn’t want me to touch you, but when I did everything turned out fine?”

“Every time we touch, we get closer to the edge, and that is anything but fine.” Haden rolled onto his back, raking his hands through his hair, disheveling the deep brown waves into an even more tempting state. “It’s a ritual sacrifice when a demon and a virgin . . . It’s not usually consensual.”

“Okay, not usually, but for us, it is.” It’s not like I would fight him off.

“That doesn’t matter. It’s not the consent that is of importance to the ritual—it’s the
innocence
.”

I let his words drift over me, unable to make sense of them. It seemed so ludicrous to me. I had to fight to control my urges to eat mortal souls, but I was innocent somehow. And once again I was reminded of his sacrifice.

“If you had stayed human, we could have been together, couldn’t we?”

“If I had stayed human, I couldn’t have saved you, love.”

I pushed off the bed, the need to move overwhelming. “All you ever wanted was to be completely human, to get rid of your demon half. Because of me, you had to take it back.”

He blocked my pacing. “That was what I wanted before you. As soon as I laid eyes on you, you were all I wanted.”

I shrugged. “So now you can’t have either? What happens if we do it anyway?”

“I would go through a rite of passage of sorts, only instead of becoming a man, I’d become a beast, which may or may not be physical change. I would lose my grip on my humanity, maybe completely. I’d be more like Mara.”

I shuddered. His mother’s calling in life was to terrorize humanity. She was very, very good at it.

My heart sank. It just kept falling and falling. “I don’t believe this.”

“I should have told you sooner. There just was never a right time.”

I wished I could argue, but he was right. There really hadn’t been an opportune time to sit down and talk about why we could never consummate our relationship. He’d always been very adamant about not going too far. He hadn’t even wanted to touch me at first. That reserve he struggled to hold on to, the one that infuriated me—I guess he had good reason for it.

I exhaled loudly, wishing to expel all my frustration but knowing it wasn’t going to work. “Are you telling me that the only way we can be together is if I do it with someone else first?”

The temperature in the room shot up suddenly. “Absolutely not.” His crisp words were delivered very carefully, but the vein in his temple throbbed. He looked very much on the edge of becoming a beast in front of my eyes. “That will
never
happen.”

“I don’t want to,” I said quickly, trying to soothe him before his anger got the better of him, but the room got hotter and hotter. “I just can’t believe that I’m being punished for being a virgin.”

“Your purity isn’t a burden, Theia.”

“Isn’t it? It feels like one to me.”

“We will find a way. We just have to be patient. And careful.”

I rubbed my temples. “I don’t want to be careful anymore. I’ve been careful my whole life. I want to be reckless and heedless, and I want to show you how much I love you, and it’s not fair that I can’t.”

Haden enveloped me in his arms, holding me close. “The best part of being human is loving you, Theia.”

I let him hold me and tried to block the doubt that crept through the corners of my mind like a thief in the dark, stealthy and sly. Loving me could strip Haden of his humanity. I was far more dangerous to him than he’d been to me.

I sank further into his embrace, memorizing the thud of his heartbeat against my cheek, the way he smelled, the weight of his strong arms. I loved him so much that I couldn’t imagine my life without him, especially now that I was changed—not human, not demon, something else entirely. We’d risked so much to be together, but his soul was the one thing I would never compromise.

Perhaps the truest test of my love would be whether I could be strong enough to let him go.

CHAPTER FIVE

A
fter school the next day, Donny, Amelia, and I picked up coffees and cupcakes and took them to the park. We found a picnic table away from the playground area and Donny unpacked the caffeine while Ame doled out the sugar.

“You’ve been very quiet today, Theia.” Donny straddled the bench next to me, scooping her hair into a messy ponytail. “Care to share?”

I choked on my coffee.

As she patted me on the back, Donny started laughing. “All righty, then. Theia got busy with her demon boyfriend, huh? I told you, Ame. You owe me five bucks.” To me she added, “I bet Ame that you two would be horizontal before the weekend.”

I continued coughing, Donny continued smacking me between the shoulder blades, and Ame said, “You are so crass.” Then she looked at me. “But did you do it?”

My skin flushed cold and then furnace-hot. I had to put aside seventeen years of my father’s training so I could speak frankly. I still had to close my eyes before I could begin. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “We can’t.”

Donny leaned towards me. “Define
can’t
. Does he have . . . different demon bits or something?”

I slugged down some more coffee. “No, his bits are fine, as far as I know. But we can’t shag, ever.” I put my head down. This was not only humiliating; it also felt insurmountable when I said it out loud.

“Wait,” Ame said. “‘Shag’ means ‘do it,’ right?”

“Yeah.” Donny answered for me. Donny knew a thousand words for sex, including my British slang. “Are you going to get to the part where you tell us why?”

I raised my head up. “Apparently, by saving all my virtue for true love, I have doomed myself to being virtuous forever. If a demon has . . . If a demon . . . You know. . . .”

“Bumps uglies?” Donny offered.

I nodded. “If a demon and someone who has never had . . .” It was harder than I thought.

Donny patted me knowingly. “If a demon pops a virgin’s cherry, what happens?”

I sat up and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Haden crosses through some ritualistic rite of passage into demon manhood. He’ll lose his humanity. It’s very bad.”

“Wow,” Ame said, stunned into grabbing another cupcake and shoving a huge bite into her mouth. “What if you did the deed with someone else first?”

I shook my head. “That is not an option.” Even if I could, which I couldn’t, Haden would tear the limbs from anyone who touched me.

“So, we need to figure out how to circumvent the ritual or get rid of Haden’s demon side. Again.” Ame pondered. “I’ll talk to Varnie.”

“No!” I shrieked. “I can’t stomach the thought of everyone knowing. It’s embarrassing. Besides, Haden doesn’t think he should get rid of his demon side. He said that when he accepted who he was, the good and the bad, he was stronger. That’s what saved me.”

Amelia blew out a labored exhale. “Well, I can research some things on my own, but Varnie might know something I don’t.”

I shook my head. “Not yet, okay?”

Ame raised her eyebrows at me. “Okay. For now we will not speak of Theia’s unsex life to anyone outside of our circle.”

Donny sighed heavily. “Lucky for me, I’ve never had this problem.”

“I have a hard time believing you were even born with your virginity,” said Ame.

Donny snorted in agreement. And then we stuffed our faces with more chocolate.

“Was it different with Gabe?” I asked, licking the icing from my fingers.

“What do you mean?” Donny answered, but she didn’t look at me. She traced the grains in the wood of the picnic table and tried to look busy.

“Because you care about him. Did it make it different?” She didn’t rush in with a response, so I overexplained. “Was having . . . sex . . . with Gabe different from the other guys?”

“Don’t be stupid,” she said. Then she bit her lip and closed her eyes before she said, “Yeah. It was.”

“Mike hasn’t even held my hand.” Ame sighed and reached for her third cupcake. “I shouldn’t eat this. He will never hold my hand if I eat this cupcake.”

“You’re not fat,” Donny and I said at the same time.

“I’m not skinny either.” She set the cake down and then picked it back up. “I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong with him. I mean, I know that I used to just
wish
he would like me and didn’t make any effort to get to know him, but I make efforts all the time now. I call him, I invite him along when we do stuff—what else do I need to do?”

Amelia’s crush on Mike Matheny was nearing unfathomable lately. He was a nice enough bloke, but I didn’t understand the attraction. I also didn’t want to tell her that he’d given me a bracelet and told me I was pretty. “What advice do you think you’re going to get from us?” Donny wondered. “I mean, you know I’m just going to tell you to do something you’ll think is vile or crass. And this one—” She gestured at me. “This one only attracts demons. Besides, you never listen to us anyway.”

Ame played with the pink ends of her hair. “I want to hear what you think. Really.”

At the same time again, Donny and I both said, “I think you should go out with Varnie.”

We looked at each other with a little surprise while Ame said, “You think that would make Mike jealous?”

“Gah, no.” Donny smacked her lightly. “Forget Mike. Varnie totally has the hots for you.”

Amelia made a face like she’d just realized she’d drunk curdled milk. “No, he doesn’t. He’s like . . . old.”

“He’s nineteen. He’s like sixteen months older than you are. That’s not old. That’s perfect.”

“I think Donny’s right,” I chimed in. “Even Haden noticed the way he looks at you. He told me so in Under.”

“You guys are crazy.” Ame began packing up our garbage. I knew she would rinse our plastic cups in the water fountain before she recycled them. “Varnie and I have nothing in common.”

Donny’s eyebrows arched higher than the Golden Gate Bridge. “What?”

Ame carried on very matter-of-factly. “He doesn’t go to high school, he likes surfing—what do I know about surfing? Nothing.”

“Have you hit your head? Who do you spend your every waking minute looking up all your hooey metaphysical stuff with? Not me, that’s for sure.”

Ame looked at the sky for guidance. “How can you still call it hooey? You’re sitting at a table with a girl that might be part demon.”

“How can you say you have nothing in common with the only person who understands half of what you say?” Donny argued.

They glared at each other for a minute until Ame broke with her usual huge smile. And like always, that was all it took for them to be fine again.

It would have been a good time to tell the girls about the other things that were bothering me . . . the strange trip I’d taken to Under, the way my father ignored me, my bouts with painful hunger, and being invited to a sneetch gathering. . . . All were things I would have shared with them before I’d been abducted. For some reason, though, I didn’t want them to know. I’m not sure if I just didn’t want them to worry or if I was afraid they would judge me. Probably both.

I didn’t want to delve into it too deeply. I needed time to sort things out, that was all. We weren’t kids anymore. . . . I could figure some of my own life out without deciding by committee whether I should drink spiked lemonade with jocks if I wanted to.

“Are you okay?” Amelia asked.

“I’m just worried about Haden.” It wasn’t a lie. I was worried about him too. “You don’t think he’ll get tired of waiting, do you? Find someone else to be with?”

“What?” Donny sputtered. “No! Duh, he’s way in love. He’d never cheat on you. And believe me, I don’t have a lot of faith in guys. Haden is the real deal.”

I eyed the cupcakes, finally giving in to temptation. “You all got very close while I was in Under, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah. It was awful—you were gone and Haden had zero memories. But even then, he knew he missed you—he just couldn’t remember you.”

Amelia nodded. “He was totally heartsick. That’s when he and Varnie became so close, because Varnie took him in. I think they’re like brothers now, you know? Varnie told me he’d never had a best friend before he met Haden. He was always too ready to run at the first sign of trouble to put down friendship roots. Varn thinks we ganged up on him and made him care about people again.”

I was glad for that. “When Haden was growing up in Under, he didn’t have anyone. I mean, I think he’s sort of friends with some of the ghoulish things that live there, but he was the only one that was human. Nobody really understood him—and nobody loved him.”

“Just the same,” Donny said, “make sure he keeps it in his pants. I remember what he was like when he was all-demon-no-human Haden and I don’t want a repeat.”

Ame rolled her eyes. “
Keeps it in his pants?
Your parents are very nice people. I don’t get how you turned out so warped.”

A slinking shadow caught the corner of my eye, but when I turned, nothing was there. I shivered. It was probably my imagination. The girls hadn’t noticed it or my strange reaction. They continued to bicker.

Ame actually growled. “Like I should take advice from you anyway. Gabe is only the best thing that ever happened to you and you won’t even acknowledge that you’re in love with him.”

“Girls,” I interrupted, vaguely creeped out. “I should probably get home soon.” Though that was likely a lie. Father obviously didn’t care where I was anymore. “I have homework.” That I had no intention of doing. What was the point? But leaving the park seemed paramount. My stomach felt unsettled and I was uneasy. I wanted my friends someplace safer.

Which likely meant someplace without me.

*  *  *

Father was waiting for me when I got home from the park. He was earlier than usual. I eyed him warily when he met me at the door.

“I’d like to speak to you, Theia.” He paced a little as he directed me to a chair in the formal sitting room.

“Is everything all right, Father? I told Muriel I was going to be late.”

“Yes. Actually things are . . . wonderful.”

I widened my eyes in shock. Father didn’t say things like that. Father said things like “pleasant” or “fair.” “Wonderful” seemed like the top of an emotional roller coaster on which my father would never willingly ride. Much less purchase a ticket.

He still hadn’t taken a seat. I began to dread his next words. Perhaps he’d been promoted and we were moving. My stomach clenched. I couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave. I’d run away for real if he tried to make me, I resolved.

Father cleared his throat, oblivious to my growing distress. “Theia, I haven’t been very honest with you.”

My stomach started tying itself in knots. “What is going on? You’re making me very nervous.”

“Right. I should just say it and be done, stop hedging. You’re absolutely right.” And then he paced some more.

“Father, I’m beginning to get worried.”

He stopped in front of me and crouched to my level. My father didn’t crouch, and he certainly didn’t get this close unless it was for a perfunctory, mechanical hug. “You know I loved your mother. I loved her with all that I had, and when I lost her, I lost everything.”

I nodded mutely. Here it was. The guilt was coming.

“I swore to never love again—and I know I hurt you by holding you at arm’s length all these years. I know you think I never really loved you, but you’re wrong. I was just afraid to express my feelings, afraid to open my heart.”

What? Who was this man?
Father didn’t talk about feelings, much less fear. His eyes were a little crazy, like he was trying to make me infer his meaning so he wouldn’t have to continue using the words.

“I met someone. A woman.” He stood again. “I’ve been visiting her in the city for several weeks. Since you left, actually. She’s . . . We’re more than friends.”

I let out a sigh. I’d never once considered my father dating again. Still, if he met someone in San Francisco, he wasn’t planning on packing us back to England. “Okay,” I said.

“It doesn’t mean I love your mother less, you understand. But I’m a man. It’s not good to be alone.”

“Okay,” I repeated.

He went to the window, looking out at his vast lawn with pride, I imagine. He sure loved that grass. “She’s lovely. Smart and beautiful. It doesn’t take away from what I felt for Jenny, you understand. This is different. She was there for me when I needed . . . well, when you were gone.”

I joined him at the window. “Father, I never wanted you to be lonely. I’m glad you found someone, really.”

He looked surprised. “Do you mean that?”

Probably not.

I’ll admit it was a little strange to think of my father dating. Part of me knew everything was going to change, but part of me knew that it had to anyway. I was home for only one more year. Both of us would be dealing with new experiences. “You deserve to be happy. I mean that, Father.”

He smiled. Father was very stingy with his smiles, but when he did smile I could see a person I barely knew inside him. A person I wished I knew better. “I want you to meet her.”

The bottom of my stomach dropped a little. “Certainly.” I could do this. I could be mature. She made him happy, after all. And my mother had been gone a long time.

“She’s in the dining room,” he said.

“What?”

“She’s been patient for weeks, Theia, but she’s right. There will never be a right time. She’s having dinner with us this evening. She’s waiting for us now.”

I’d have liked a little time to prepare, get some advice from the girls at least. I suddenly felt like I was a child again. “All right,” I said, feigning a bravery I didn’t really feel.

Father led me to the dining room. “Darling,” he called out, and I had to stifle a groan.
Darling?
Ugh
. “Theia’s here. She wants to meet you.”

Pasting on my well-practiced smile-even-though-I-don’t-feel-it smile, I followed him into the room and a woman stood gracefully, her smile even more fake than my own.

“Theia,” she purred. “I’m so delighted to finally make your acquaintance.”

I tried to swallow the lump that would not go down.

I’d met her before, as every hair on my arm rose to remind me. My father’s new girlfriend was Mara.