Doubting Our Hearts (8 page)

"Lil. You can't keep this from us. That totally wasn't our deal."

"Yes ok! He is totally hot." Hotter than standing a foot away from a roaring bonfire.

"Compare him to Garrett because even though you know the man's gay, he definitely rates up there in sexiness."

I couldn't tell her I got both of them to do it. The pictures of Brayden were for my eyes only. I didn't even pay attention to Brendan; I only took a couple of him.

"From what I remember he was definitely up there next to Garrett." I wasn't lying. I really wasn't. If Brayden is drop dead sexy, then his twin must be too, right? However, any other guy I've seen fails to come close to Brayden. He’s at the top of every list. Best chest. Best abs. Sexiest tattoo. Most gorgeous eyes. Well, you get the picture. It goes on and on.

"Oh my God, Lil. You are so lucky you know that? So are you going out with him tonight?"

How do I broach this subject? Okay, stick to the truth as much as possible. "Actually, I'm going to hang out with his brother."

Her long pause was not lost on me given Riley’s dramatic sense of style.

"Say
what
?"

"You know the guys are brothers. I'm just gonna to hang out like friends."

"You're going to
hang out
with the brother who's engaged?" This is totally not how I planned this all out, but I have to give her a little bit or she’ll never stop asking.

"The thing is Ry, they're twins, and I knew Brayden before I moved here. We were just friends then and we're just friends now."

"Twins? Now I'm just jealous of you, Lil. Sexy twins are like winning the lottery...TWICE! I am going to tell every woman I know to buy a copy of next month's issue just to see them."

"Yeah, well, let's just keep this between you and me ok? Brayden has a fiancée, and I don't want her to go all cavewoman and jealous on me. I'm just his friend."

"What's the brother's name?"

"Brendan."

"I won't tell, but come on...hottie twins with sexy names like that." I can just imagine Riley fanning herself with her hand. She needs to get a grip, and I need to get a move on.

"So, about hanging out. I'll have to take a rain check. I don't have much time to get ready and meet him."

"Fine, but I want those pictures first thing tomorrow morning or I'm coming over to get them."

"Now you just sound like my boss."

We hang up and see I only have an half an hour to get dressed and get down to Rockefeller Center. I slip into a knee-length black dress that is utterly plain. It's nice enough for a restaurant, but plain enough to remind him this is not a romantic type of date. No, it's not a date at all. We're just friends hanging out. I need to act cool about this. I braid my hair, grab my purse, camera bag, and head out of the door.

I start the ten block walk down 6th Avenue to meet with Brayden. I'm slightly nervous and just a tad excited when the familiar sight of the center up ahead comes into view. When the Prometheus statue is within eyeshot, I search for Brayden. I lose a bit of my excitement thinking he stood me up. I dig out my phone and look at the time. I'm half an hour late. No wonder he's not here. He thinks I stood him up.

Instead of trucking the ten blocks back home, I take a seat on the stone that encases the flowers around one of the small pools of water leading up to the Prometheus statue. Grabbing my camera, I start looking for my next image. It's sitting there watching locals walk by and taking pictures that I start to consider what Father Collins told me before I left Tampa.
God has a reason for every choice we make...even if we ourselves can't understand why we make them
.

Sometimes I don't understand why I left home to come here. I could say it was ultimately because of the betrayal I felt, but deep down I want to believe I did this because I wanted see Brayden again. I wanted to know the reasons behind some of the things he said and finally put a name to the feelings I was having.

I certainly don't know why he lied and didn't tell me about Addison and he was a twin, which leads me to believe he's lied about other things too. The more I try to process everything, the more I feel that whatever this thing is or was with Brayden is probably better left in the past.

Chapter 7

Brayden

Once I got back to the office, I couldn't pull my thoughts from Lillian. It's like not a day passed with our joking banter. I just wish our situation was different.

I couldn't focus on my work or anything else for that matter. I had to get out of there, so I had Candice hold all business until Monday. This way I could get my mind right and figure out what the hell I was going to do.

As I was getting out of my office chair, my cell rang. Secretly, I wanted it to be Lillian, but I knew that was too good to be true. Nope. It was Addison.

"Hey you," I answer as I sit back in my chair.

"Hey babe. Miss me?"

"Sure. Where's modeling taking you away to now?" Please say anywhere far far away.

"I have a few stops through Italy this time, so I probably won't be back for at least a week." Thank God. "I was hoping when we get back we could look over some things for the wedding."

I knew once I made the decision to marry Addy she wanted to be very involved with the plans for the wedding. I could go for something a lot less public, but Addison always did want some big extravagant production.

"That sounds great, Addy." I don't want to lie anymore not to Addy and not to Lillian.

On the day Lillian was supposed to get married, I got trashed. I stayed in my office just looking at Lillian's picture thinking about all the memories we shared. About midnight, Addy came in and saw how messed up I was. I knew I spouted off things about Lillian, but I told her she was just a friend and she had nothing to worry about. At least I think that’s how it all came out. Addy never did tell me otherwise.

I thought she was going to bolt out of the office and never look back. I mean, her boyfriend of almost three years was basically pining for another woman. What would any sensible woman do? Get upset, yell and scream then leave in a cloud of smoke.

What Addy said next made me look at her in a whole different light. She said she was glad I had a friend that meant so much to me. If I was that hung up on this friend then I should go find her and fight for her. Addy was willing to let me go so I could be happy. It was one of the most unselfish things I've ever seen her do.  

"Addy, I'm going to be honest with you. I saw Lillian today."

No response. Just when I think she hung up, she speaks, "
That
Lillian?"

"Yeah, babe. She's a photographer for GQ now, and she did the photo shoot Brendan and I were in today."

"How is her and her husband doing?" Probing. So Addison.

I let out a breath and know I need to tell her without holding back. I don't want her to worry even though I'm sure she will.

"She didn't get married." When I hear her sigh, I steel myself to get the third degree about why I need to stay away from Lillian because I'm engaged now.

"Did she call off her wedding because she has feelings for you?"

"Honestly, I have no idea, babe." Trying my best to soothe her. "We didn't really get a lot of time to talk. She was very professional about getting the pictures she needed for the magazine." There's definite truth to that...maybe not 100% truth, but I don't think revealing to Addy about the secondary objective would be beneficial to her now.

She’s quiet for a minute, then asks, "So, do you want to call off our wedding?"

"No. I would like it if you were okay with me seeing her for dinner as a friend. You know I would never do anything to jeopardize our plans. I made a promise and I have every intention of keeping it."

"Brayden, be honest with me okay. You know I'm not jealous, and I respect the fact she's your friend." I hear a small sniffle over the phone before the sound of a deep breath follows. "Do I have to be worried here? I mean last time we discussed this you were drowning yourself in a bottle. It nearly killed me to see you like that, and as much as I love you, I don't want you to marry me because I'm second best."

"Addy, I asked for your hand in marriage because I love you. However, I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel something for Lillian."

Another long drawn out sigh emanated through the phone. "Do you love her?"

"I really don't know how I feel, which is what I'm trying to figure out. When I stand at that altar, I want to be absolutely sure that's what we both want. I don't want to be your second best either." I can hear her quiet sobs, and it kills me to say these things to her. However, she deserves honesty no matter what. "Please don't cry, babe."

When she gets herself composed, she says something I never thought I would hear her say. "Thank you for your honesty, Bray. I respect that more than you know. However, this is what I would like if you agree."

"What's that?"

"I want you to take the next couple months and really figure out what you want. I’ll do the same. We'll put wedding on hold for now until we can agree to move forward or not."

"Are you sure that's what you want, Addy?

"I don't know, but I do know I want the man I marry to only have eyes for me. If you don't, then it would be better to know before the wedding, don't you think?"

"I understand, and yes, I agree." I would never have imagined Addison was so understanding and sensitive to my feelings when I met her at the bar late one night drinking her sorrows away.

"Can you promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"This time we're apart please stay faithful to me. You may fall in or out of love, but just don't cheat. I couldn't go through that again."

"You have my word."

"Okay, I'm going to go now or I'll miss my flight. I'll just call Bren to get me when I come back."

"Addy?"

"Yeah."

"I love you and thank you."

"I love you too." And I hear the phone go cold.

I really am a bastard. I do love Addison, but how can I be in love with her if I have these crazy feelings for Lillian? I can't be in love with both of them, and it's not fair to either of them to string them along when I don't know what I want.

Yesterday it didn't constrict my heart when I told Addy I loved her. What's so different today? I already know the answer to that. Lillian.

I pull out my desk drawer for the picture of Lillian I took on the boardwalk. I trace the lines of her face and the curves of her body. This has gotten me through the past nine months, but now that I've seen her again, nothing compares to her...not even this picture.

I start to think that I made a mistake proposing to Addy. At the time, I thought Lillian was already married when I made the choice. Addy's right though. She deserves her husband to put her first. I need to figure out what's going on in my head and heart before I run off and get married.

I spot the clock letting me know I have ten minutes before I need to meet Lillian at Rockefeller Center. I place her picture back in my desk and head out to meet Lillian. I pass a florist shop, just barely overcoming my urge to buy her lilies with the intent of sticking to my original plan, just friends. I'm going to figure out if what I feel for Lillian is mere friendly emotions or is it that I have friendly feelings for Addison.

When I make it to Rockefeller Center, I'm a half an hour late because I hate hailing a cab. I'd much rather walk. I spot Lillian next to a small pool of water snapping pictures. She looks stunning in her little black dress and her hair in a french braid. She's just snapping away, so I take a few minutes to lean against the building and watch her engrossed in the thing she loves best.

When she starts to turn to take more pictures, I notice when she stops clicking and it tells me she spotted me. I push off the wall and walk up to her. Leaning in to kiss her temple gently, I smell the same scented shampoo. It smells high end not the fruity stuff Addison uses.

"Hey," I say as I look into her eyes.

"Hey yourself. You know friends don't kiss."

"Well, I beg to differ. I've seen friends kiss on the cheek and on the mouth. I figure anything eye level and above would be safer and a bit more personal than a handshake." She chuckles and quickly places her camera in her bag. "The restaurant isn't far from here, but I'll give you the option to either walk or take a cab."

"I'd really prefer to walk if you don't mind. I don't like cabs all that much."

"I'm the same way, which is why I was late, and I apologize for that."

"No worries." She starts to walk toward the street leaving me a bit confused. "Sorry, am I a bit too fast for you?" I hear the mirth in her tone, and I know she's not mad I'm late. This is the great thing about Lillian. I can joke with her and tease her but she never takes offense or gets upset. I can say anything and she won't judge me.

We make it to Le Bernardin in time for my 6:30 reservation. Fireworks don't start until nine, which leaves us plenty enough time to catch up and hopefully clear the air about some things. I hold out her chair for her as she sits and adjusts her dress.

"So when you said seafood, I was imagining an outside deck with a bucket of crab legs, trays of oysters, and a couple Stellas. Why is it that you never mentioned it was a five start restaurant?" She asks as I sit and get comfortable.

"If I mentioned exactly what it was, would you have agreed to come?"

"Probably not."

"And that is the exact reason I never told you," I counter with a smirk.

"So you lied to me to get me here then?" It's then that she pushes up and out of her chair. She’s going to bolt, away from me and my stupid mouth.

"Yes, I lied to you, and I'm sorry. Sorry on many accounts, but I want make things right. Tonight." I stand to take her hand. "Can I ask that you give me a chance to explain?"

"Look, Brayden. This is all a nice gesture, but I don't want to be here under false pretenses. I thought we were perfectly clear at the shoot. This..." She says as she gestures around with her hand, "is not friendly."

"Please, sit down and discuss this with me, Lillian."

"Would you be upset if I asked we grab a bite at a hotdog stand somewhere and walk and talk? It would make things a bit more comfortable for me at least."

I really did want to sit a discuss things, but if she feels more comfortable elsewhere, then I have no choice but to accommodate her. "Sure, we're not far from Central Park. Would you rather walk through there?"

"Yeah. Plus, I could get some good pictures too."

"Then it's settled. Do you think you can handle the walking?"

“I walked here, didn’t I?” she says as she sticks her left leg out, and I can't help but have my eyes wander from the hem of her dress down her tanned leg ending at the ballet flat on her feet. "I came prepared in case you went a bit overboard tonight." She says with a wink and a smile.

I hold out my right arm to her, and she looks at me questioning my gesture. I pull back when she doesn't link her arm in mine, but try a different tactic instead. "Would you mind if I held your camera then?"

She hands me the bag, and I slip it over my shoulder then take a hold of the case with my hand. I see her pick up her purse, and we walk side by side until we get to the hostess.

"I won't need a table for tonight." I hand her my business card out of my jacket pocket. "Let me know if I owe anything for tonight."

"No problem, sir. Have a wonderful evening."

Stepping out on the sidewalk, I make my way around Lillian's right side and place my hand at the small of her back. I feel her muscles tense then relax. As I guide her toward Central Park, I spot a hotdog cart.

"You did say a hot dog, right?"

"Oh, yes, please. Only mustard though."

"Mustard it is."

I pay for two hotdogs both with mustard, and we head across Central Park South and into the park. She's still not said a word about our time in Tampa or the things she wishes to know about. This leads me to think she's waiting on me to start the conversation.

My mind tries to make a mental list of all the questions in my head. What happened after I left? Did she feel even half of what I felt? What happened to make her decide not to get married? Was I part of that reason? Did she come here for me? This list just keeps getting longer and longer as I figure out which one I should ask first.

I take a deep breath to steady my breathing before I ask my first question.