Doubting Our Hearts (3 page)

"That would be great." We exchanged numbers and the rest of my time at the restaurant I drank my wine and indulged in my own little trifecta courtesy of my new friend Riley.

Once I got over the first three weeks as the new girl in town, living in a new place didn't bother me so much. I had Riley to guide me on where swanky restaurants were and the best places to hang out and meet new people. I met most of her friends, which surprisingly were all pretty much like her, fun, outgoing, comical, and just down-to-earth people. Ryan and Shelby always made me laugh with their bickering back and forth and Courtney, Gwen, and Garrett enjoyed picking fun at Riley and me. It really was nice to be accepted into their group of friends so quickly, and it made the transition between Tampa and New York a bit smoother.

It wasn't until about a month ago I spotted Brayden for the first time since all those months ago in Florida. He looked exactly as he did with his soft brown hair and the faint honey color of his highlights, his radiant smile, and muscular figure. This time he wasn't in blue jeans and a t-shirt that I was accustomed to but in a tailored suit that exuded strength and power. I didn't let myself get spotted because I had a feeling he would think I was just a tad bit crazy. I mean I did come here because he's the first person I thought of, but never did I think past that. Plus we didn't part on the best of terms anyway.

He looked slightly troubled sitting at the table outside the coffee shop. He was alone with what I assumed to be his coffee of choice, black with two sugars. He shifted in his seat and flipped a page of what he was reading. To my surprise, he was reading a copy of the magazine I worked for.

My mind wondered if I could be like Kate Hudson in
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
and write an article about Brayden and how I felt about him when we were together. Does he read that magazine every month cover to cover so he would read my words? Does he only buy it when a female celebrity dawns the cover? Does he read it for the style tips or fitness section?

Unfortunately, I will never be a writer and get an article in GQ. I'll never write about a guy that was once a friend who allowed me to be myself. He listened to me unlike my fiancé that wouldn't give me the time of day because he was busy falling in love with my best friend. There won't be any rave reviews or Brayden speeding on his motorcycle to come find me carrying our love fern. Nope, the most I'll get is my name in 12-point font under the picture of some stunning slice of male.

I will admit it was nice to know he might actually see a picture I'd taken, even if I couldn't show him myself. But as I watched his face linger on the words of the article he was reading, a smile grew on his face. Not a smirk at some quick wit comment or short laugh that turned into a smile, but an honest to God genuine smile. I took a quick picture then stared from my spot across the street wondering what could be in that issue that peaked his interest. I do remember Jerry wanting to use one of my photos for the issue that month, but who knows. I was just happy watching that beautiful smile on his face remembering times when we laughed and joked about everything that surrounded us.

Needless to say, the last ten weeks working freelance have made me focus more on my career, but they have also made me question it. So, I have tried to take my camera where ever I go. I'll snap some pictures here or there. My baby is always in my hands, and I know I still must look like a total tourist. I don't mind though.

Each time I question my career choice, I find something to take a picture of. Not the scripted pictures I'm paid to take for the magazine, but the ones when no one's looking. The ones that you can find beauty in something that may be inconsequential to your life at the moment, but one glance may allow you to look further and deeper to see the meaning behind the image. The meaning for you. Once you find that meaning, something that seemed insignificant makes sense in your life.

I suppose I can say that's what I'm trying to find for me. The meaning in my life. Maybe one of these pictures will help me find that. Until then, I just have to take things one day at a time.

Chapter 2

Lillian

"Ms. Anderson, I take it you have the shots from the shoot yesterday ready for me?"

"Yes, sir, I do." I hand Mr. O'Conner, Editor and Chief of GQ magazine my proofs. As he looks through them, I hear his soft grunts or huffs then a murmured hmm as he reaches the end of my pile.

"Do you have the thumb drive?"

"Yes, here you go, sir." I hand over the thumb drive with the pictures on it and wait for his direction.

"Excellent. I'll have Susan call you to let you know how many we're going to run."

"Thank you, sir. Have a great day."

I turn to leave his office, but just as I reach the doorknob, he speaks, "Ms. Anderson, I was wondering if you might be interested in doing a shoot at the end of the week."

"I would be glad to. Just tell me where you need me and I'll be there."

"Wonderful." He takes a deep breath then gets up from his chair to gaze down on the happenings of Times Square. "You know there is a staff position opening up soon. I love your work over the last few months and I've seen many other things you've done." He said as he looked up from the hustle and bustle of the craziness that is New York to meet my eyes. "Would you be interested?"

Wow. The editor and chief of a major magazine is asking me if I'm interested in a staff photographer position. I've always done my own thing. I've never been employed somewhere before.

"I don't know. I never really thought about it." It's true though. I've always just shot what I felt I needed to capture. It's never about the logistics of making something or someone exhibit a particular feeling or act. It's always about how the image feels to me.

"Well, how about you take a few weeks to think about it. The position won't be open for another month. Just keep doing what you're doing. Susan will let you know about the address for the Friday shoot."

"Thank you, Mr. O'Conner. I appreciate your continued support of my work." I turn back to leave before I realize I forgot to ask what the shoot was about so I can be prepared on Friday. "Sir, who should I expect to shoot on Friday?"

"It's two brothers who own a property management company not far from here. I guess one of them got engaged recently, so the bachelor duo is down to one."

My mind whirled with who this brotherly combo could be, but I didn't let it take up too much space in head. I'll get some good shots for the magazine maybe even get a few with his fiancée in there to confirm the non-bachelor status if he agrees. It's just one shoot closer to a staff position.

"Already thinking of good shots. Thanks again, sir." 

I duck out of his office with an extra pep in my step. When I walk out of the building to Times Square, I can't keep the smile off my face. I know I must look like a complete fool, but I can't contain myself. I might get a staff position at GQ, and the editor and chief asked me himself! I have to tell my parents. They'll be so excited, and then I have to tell Riley. She'll want to go out and celebrate in some big way with the gang.

As I pull out my phone to dial my dad, I look up and it feels like all of the air leaves my body in one fell swoop. It's Brayden, and his arm is linked with a beautiful blonde with the body of a model and a face I can't compete with.

I just stand there with my phone in my hand not knowing what to do. If I run, he'll see me. If I stand here, maybe he'll say hi. I don't have any time to figure out what I'm going to do before his chocolate brown eyes meet my green ones. I smile the smile he always laughed at. He's staring at me so intently, but doesn't acknowledge me with a small wave or a polite hello. He just stares until he walks past me with who I'm assuming to be his girlfriend. I turn in his direction, but he doesn't look back.

Has it been that long that he forgot me?

I try to recover as fast as I can with crowds of people walking around Times Square. I start my three-quarter mile walk back to my apartment. My head is spinning and it's confusing and frustrating. I know I need to make it to the confines of my apartment before I start to process what just happened. I start to think of what happened at my wedding to cloud my head with other emotions besides the ones I want to run through.

I finally make it home and grab a beer out of the fridge before sitting on my couch and replaying what happened just fifteen minutes earlier.

He saw me for the first time in nine months and acted like he didn't know who I was. Maybe our time hanging out didn't mean that much to him. Maybe he was just buying time so he could be with his blonde model. Maybe I'm just going crazy and that really wasn't him...but man that looked just like him right down to the intensity of his chocolate brown gaze.

Thoughts of our time together fill my head as I continue to drink my Stella thinking about the last conversation we had together.

We were walking around the Florida Museum of Photographic Arts talking about the images on the walls of the cube shaped building.

Out of nowhere he asks, "So will you miss me?"

"I'm not sure how to respond to that, Brayden. I mean we're friends and all, but I'm not exactly positive if that would be crossing some imaginary no-go line."

He chuckled at my response, and I looked at him wanting to know why he asked me that. "Lillian, why does it have to be some big deal? I mean, I like you. You're refreshing and fun and just an amazing woman. I'm going to miss you."

I stop walking as he says his last sentence just staring at him. What am I supposed to say to him? He knows I'm engaged to be married at the end of March. He knows I love my fiancé. He knows I would never cheat on Damon for anything in the world.

But what is this? I've been spending the last three weeks of my free time with a man who is not my fiancé. I've been showing him my pictures, which can explain to him much more of me than my own summation would give him. We've laughed about things we've done in the past, and he's taken me out to lunch and dinner when Nora and Damon have had business meetings and piles of work.

I walk toward a small alcove, lean against the wall, and put my face in my hands. Essentially, in the last three weeks, I've been dating Brayden. How did our harmless coffee conversation ever get this far?

I can feel Brayden's body slide next to mine, and in an instant, my response to him takes over my senses just like it does when he's this close to me. This cannot be happening again. I fight this every time. I can't even think of crossing this line with him...ever.

"Lillian, did I say something wrong?" He asks as he rests his hand on my shoulder. The gesture should be comforting, and to some degree it is, but my body doesn't take the touch as a friendly sign of compassion.

"No. You never do."

"Then what's the matter?"

"I just want to go okay." I need to put some type of distance between us. I need to stay in control of my emotions and freaking out on Brayden will not keep my emotions in check.

We get outside of the museum, and his arm goes around my shoulders. "Please talk to me." I wiggle out of his embrace and look into his warm eyes.

"We can't do that. We can't be anymore than we are now, and I don't even know what that is. Can't you see that? Can't you see what we've been doing the last few weeks?"

He steps forward and cups my face in his hands. His touch is so soothing but at the same time ignites a burning sensation along my jaw. His chocolate eyes are diving into my soul reaching for some truth to my words.

"Hey. I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. What he's doing to you and how he's treating you...I would never do that." I let out a deep sigh.

"Please, don't say those things, Brayden. I made a promise. I've given a man my commitment." I try to move my face away from his intense stare. I look toward the concrete trying to find the words, but nothing is there. His hands reposition my face so are eyes are once again fixed on each other.

"Lillian, please. These last few weeks have been the best weeks of my life. I'm going back to New York in the morning. Please tell me you'll call me. Don't just walk away."

He looks so overwhelmed with fear that it hurts me to see him like this. I have a feeling I know why I see fear. It's because he know I would never break a promise. He knows what's coming.

"I'm sorry," I say as I put my hands over his and pull them from my face. "I can't say anything about this," motioning between the two of us, "because if I do, I would feel like I've done Damon some injustice. I'm sorry, Brayden. I should be going."

I turn and almost break out into a sprint to get away. Before I know it, Brayden's hand grips mine and I'm spun around to face him.

"Come with me, Lillian."

He registers my surprise, and in that moment, all I feel is his warm hand squeezing mine urging me to go with him. My chest tightens in sadness, then for reasons I can't explain, anger bubbles to the surface.

"I can't! Don't you understand? I can't be who you want." I yank my hand free of his grasp and he lets me go without a fight. I walk away looking back only once to see his eyes defeated and his sad smile put a death grip on my heart.

******

I wake to my phone ringing. Leaning toward the coffee table to grab my phone, I swipe the screen with my eyes closed.

"Lillian..." I say then yawn trying to get my bearings. "Lillian Anderson."

"What are you doing sleeping on a night light this? Get out of bed and come with me and the guys to The Venue," Riley responds with way too much enthusiasm for this time of the night.

"What time is it, and what's The Venue?"

"It's only five, but we're all going out to dinner then out and about. The Venue is this new club we're going to hit afterwards."

"What's the big occasion to be going out on a Tuesday night?"

"Garrett just got a call from his agent and they want to cast him in that Broadway play he's been so wrapped up in for the last few weeks."

"That's awesome! I'm so happy for him!" I squeal through the phone.

"That's not all. Ryan finally stopped acting like a stubborn ass and made things more permanent with Shelby."

"Thank God. I've been telling him for weeks to just tell her how he feels."

"I know. Double reason for us to party!" It's about to become triple.

"I have more."

"Oh. Tell me. Tell me!" I can hear her clapping through the phone. Riley's excitement is infectious, and I can't help but get all giddy with my news too.

"The editor and chief of GQ wants to consider me for a staff position!"

"Lily! That's amazing!"

"It was crazy. One minute he's asking me to do a shoot on Friday then he's asking me to consider the staff position. I thought I was imagining it." Then my smile fades as I thought of another image I wished I would have imagined.

As if Riley could sense my retreat from happy land, she asks, "Hey girl, you okay?"

Should I tell her about Brayden and his girlfriend...or worse his fiancée? I haven't told any of my new friends about Brayden and our time together. I feel like if I do, the reality of what I let slip through my fingers will keep weighing me down. I dunno, but this afternoon just upset me more than anything.

"Lily? What's the matter?"

No. I can't tell her yet. Maybe eventually but just not yet.

"Nothing. I'm good." I take a deep breath and try to slip back into the state I was before the thought of Brayden and the blonde popped in my mind. "So, we have a triple celebration tonight. What should I wear to this glorious occasion?" I say trying to put as much sass as I can into my words.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes, and we can get ready together. Definitely something sexy. Oh yes, something totally sexy!"

Riley was over exactly twenty minutes later, and we got ourselves dressed to go out.

******

Dinner was always a riot with friendly banter volleying among all of us. Shelby was poking at Ryan's inability to 'man up' and ask her out. Ryan's response was to act embarrassed, so we all knew Shelby was right. That threw Garrett into asking when his man card was going to be revoked. When a blush crept into Ryan's cheeks, we all just died laughing.

Garrett's upcoming Broadway play and my possible staff position were also discussed. Courtney and Gwen begged to go with me to my shoot on Friday, but I told them this was a big deal and I didn't need them there to make me more nervous than I already was. Riley put me out of my misery when she ended the pleas with a compromise.

"None of us girls will beg to go on one condition."

"What's that o' one with the powers of persuasion?" The girls rang out with laughs and giggles at my comment, but when Riley stopped, she possessed a look of seriousness across her face.

Tipping her wine glass back, she took a sip then rolled the stem between her fingers silently deliberating the best possible outcome for her and the girls. Like she didn't already have that in her head.