Doubting Our Hearts (6 page)

Chapter 5

Brayden

I walk into the room where my brother, Candice, and Becky sit around a table. They look up to me but don't say anything.

Lillian’s here. In New York. When I saw her name under that photo in GQ, I silently wished she was here. Even as disappointed as I was with how things ended between us, I can't deny that woman has some type of pull on me.

Being here in New York is one thing, but knowing she didn't marry that asshole is so much more than I could’ve prayed for. I tried many times while we were hanging out to tell her it seemed odd her fiancé and best friend worked together long hours. She was oblivious to what was right in front of her and naive to think their relationship was completely on a friendly level. It was like he was giving her the same lines she was giving me.

Dammit to hell, she sounded so hurt when I told her she should have called me and seemed like she didn't want to think about what happened, which only made my blood boil knowing he hurt her in some way.

Regardless of what happened to her in Tampa, it didn't escape my notice of the pain on her face when she realized I was engaged. She must think I lied to her, and, to my dismay, that's exactly what I did. I didn't tell her about Addison. I should have been as honest as she was with me, but when I'm with her I don't think of anything else but being with her.

"Hey, look, Bray. I didn't know who she was or I would’ve told you." My brother says.

"That's really her isn't it? I'm not dreaming this am I?" If someone were to tell me I was going to see Lillian today, I might have done so many things differently. Hell, I probably would have done the last nine months differently.

"I'm sorry, sir. The subject of who the photographer was never came up in conversation," Candice counters.

"It's not your fault, Candice. Would you and Becky head back to the office? We'll call you when we're on our way there."

"Sure. Not a problem, sir."

When our assistants leave the room, I sit in a chair and put my head in my hands.

"Holy shit, Bren. That's the girl. What is going on and how is this possible? She was
supposed
to be married."

“
Supposed to be
as in you didn't see a ring?"

I shake my head still trying to figure out what I should do. She smells the same as she did all those months ago. She's even more beautiful now than she was then, and back then she was incredible.

"I'm guessing she knows about Addy." I bring my face up to meet my brother's.

"Yeah, I didn't get a chance to explain the situation. She just asked me which one of us was engaged, and well...I didn't say anything. I couldn't lie to her anymore than I already have."

"You didn't tell her you were a twin either by the shock and confusion on her face when you walked in the room."

"Why would I dude? I mean I told her about you, but not that we look exactly alike."

"Well, not entirely exactly alike anymore” He smirks. “I'm better looking though," he teased.

"At this point, I'd let you win that argument." I say as my face goes back in my hands. "I mean this woman turned my world upside down. You know that. I told you everything. I second guessed myself for months about proposing to Addy because of her. When I realized she was really gone, I saw Addy differently. Don't get me wrong I love Addy, and I would never hurt her but Lillian..."

I trail off and become quiet. I can't even continue to evaluate what Lillian was to me. I never put a label on what I felt because my emotions would have started to drown me not being able to be with her. She was everywhere I looked and in everything I did.

   There are so many unanswered questions between us I can't even begin to search for the answers to them all. I know I need some time with her to try to figure them out and process my feelings for her. Imagining her was one thing, but having her here with me and interacting with her again is what I want. No. I
need
this.

My body still reacted the same way it did as I gripped her hand and pushed my lips to her knuckles. The sound of her voice still does crazy things to my stomach as do those deep green eyes.

"Bray, do you love her?"

"My first reaction would be to say no. I've only known her for three weeks nine months ago, but another part of me wants to try to put into words all the emotions I feel when she's near me. I don't know if what I'm feeling is love or lust." I try to slow my breathing, but being this close to her and having the ability to touch her is totally messing with me. "And as much as I want label this connection, I just couldn't do that to Addison. She's stuck by me when some women would cut their losses and bail. What the hell and I gonna do?"

Brendan thinks about my question for a few minutes before saying, "How about this, you try to take Lillian out as friends like you guys did before and just see how she is. I won't tell Addy. I'll just take her out and talk about all that wedding junk. It'll kill me. God, it’ll kill me, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for you."

"I don't want to lie anymore, bro."

"You're not lying. I am. Plus, Addy is so mixed up with her modeling career you guys hardly spend any time together anyway." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "The way you're talking really sounds like you like her a lot, possibly even love her. But whatever it is, you need to figure out those feelings before you do something you might regret, say in five months."

I let out a short laugh knowing my brother is right. If I marry Addy without fully knowing what this thing is between Lillian and me, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Before anything else, I need to come clean with Lillian about our past and my intentions. Her steadfastness about her commitment to Damon was one of the things I admired about her, and I feel the same level of commitment toward Addison. She didn't run last time, and since I'm going to stop withholding the truth, she needs to hear this from me. I owe her that much. I'll keep things plutonic between Lillian and me because questions need answered before I can vow to love and honor any woman.

A knock at the door has me jerking my head up to connect with the same green eyes that mesmerized me months ago. "Umm, I'm ready when y'all are," She says as she closed the door lightly behind her.

"Come on, Bray. Let's go do this."

I get up from the chair with a renewed sense of purpose after the bombshell that is Lillian stepped back into my life. I'm determined to figure out what this is between us without hurting the woman I'm engaged to.

******

"Didn't your assistants bring a change of clothes for you both to wear?" She asks as she changes her lens on her camera.

"Yeah, I think I saw them in the other room. Do you want us to change into them now?"

"That would be helpful.” She sneers. “Please, the sooner we get this started the sooner we can finish."

This is going to be harder than I thought. She's going to be all business and straight to the point, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and tell her I'm sorry.

When my brother and I change into the suits Becky had picked up from the cleaners, Lillian eyes us with an amused smirk on her face. "Oh, isn't this just perfect." I couldn't tell if she was laughing at us or being sarcastic.

I look from me to my brother and notice our suits are exactly the same. Damn, we had to wear the same things when we were younger; I thought we were done with that. With a shrug to my shoulders, Bren and I walk over to the backdrop.

When she grabs her camera and puts it up to her face, I'm transported back to the time I saw her on the boardwalk waiting for me.

I couldn't believe she actually showed up. She had her camera up to her eye and she was taking pictures of people, the impending sunset, the water, and anything that looked remotely interesting to her. She was in a similar outfit, which makes me think she likes to be comfortable over being fashionable.

The loose strands from her long french braid were blowing around her face, and I could tell that she'd smile right before she took a picture. She was the most gorgeous woman I ever laid eyes on, and I couldn't think of anything else but getting to know her.

As I approached her, I said, "You made it," as I laid my hand on her shoulder.

"Looks like I did. How was your day?" she asks, giving me a heart-stopping smile.

"Quite nice actually. Met this completely amazing woman who is confined to the friend zone." I winked at her. "We had coffee, she showed me a picture that blew my mind, and then I left her without knowing if I was going to see her again."

She laughed which made me follow. "I mean what did you do
after
we left the coffee shop?"

"Everything else failed in comparison to my morning, but the night is surely shaping up to be pretty good."

"Only pretty good?" I’m probably going to hell trying to get to know this committed woman, but the flirty girl is fishing for compliments, and I am just all too happy to oblige.

"May I?" I ask as I reach out for her camera and give her a smile. She relinquishes the device as I hold it up to my eye looking through the lens at her. "It could only get better if you let me take a picture of you." I see her expression change from light and flirty to no doubt scared and looking nervous. I pull away from the lens as I see her rolling the end of her braid between her fingers. "Hey, it's ok. I don't need to take your picture. You just seem like the one who's always behind the camera instead of in front of it."

"It's just people don't take pictures of me. It makes me feel vulnerable to some degree, I guess."

I place the camera back in her hands before I speak again. "Look, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. Let's just walk."

When we walk a few minutes without speaking, she looks to me and realizes I'm not going to push her to do something she doesn't want to do. A shy smile appears across her face before she speaks. "Just one, and then we never speak of it again. Deal?"

"Hmm." Trying to weigh the pros and cons of my decision while my fingers are rubbing my chin in contemplation. "Do I get to keep said picture?"

"Well, I'm surely not going to bring it home. We’ll print it out at the store after we leave."

"As long as I get the picture, I'll snap one and never say anything about it again." I would do anything for a personal image of Lillian like this. The fun, flirty, beautiful woman could probably ask me to run away with her and I'd probably do it. Damn the consequences.

"Fine. Do your worst Mr. Knight."

"I'm nowhere near as good as you, but I'll try my best Miss Anderson."

If I only have one shot at this, it's going to be a keeper for sure. I walk up to her and run my hand down her braid before catching the tie and tugging it free. Her eyes are closed, but I could tell she shifted slightly toward my hand. I run my fingers through the softest, smoothest hair until the caramel highlights are glinting at me as the sun's ray hit them before slipping past the horizon. I thought I heard a small moan, so I just stared at her.

When she opens her eyes, I shake my head and try to put myself in check. "Lean your back against the railing." I command and she does as instructed. Her hands naturally come to sit stop the wooden railing and slowly make their way away from her body. It's magnificent to watch her body move and glow with the sunset in the background. I'm captivated by her kissable lips to the curve of her breasts against her shirt down to her tanned legs that cross at her ankles.

"Look that way," I direct as I point to the right. It's perfect. Her hair is free flowing and wild as the breeze ripples the water behind her. I focus on her through the lens and walk in a semi circle around her to get the right light from the setting sun.

I small smile plays on her lips and that is the exact moment I capture. This amazing still mysterious woman has me utterly enthralled and begging to know more.

"Okay. I heard it. That was you're one and only shot. Got it?" She says as she jumps up from her pose to grab the camera out of my hands before I can take another picture.

"I agreed, and I am nothing but a man of my word."

"Mr. Knight?" What? I blink a few times to realize I'm not in Florida on a boardwalk, but in New York with Lillian in front of me.

"Yeah, sorry. I was...uh...somewhere else."

"Didn't take a genius to figure that out." She teases.

"So, what is it that we do at one of your photo shoots?"

She cocks her head to the side before answering, "Well, first just do what's natural. Smile how you want, pose how you like, and just do brotherly stuff. Just don't brawl it out. This equipment cost money you know."

Her cocky smile plays on her lips. The one that's hard not to laugh at. Brendan and I both chuckle, and I quickly take him in a brotherly choke hold. "Like this Lil?" I smile as Brendan semi struggles to get out of my grasp.

I hear the click of a camera before Lillian says, "You're going to let him do that to you Brendan?” She’s shaking her head but smiles, and I’m so entranced I forget what I’m doing. “I mean you two do look a lot alike. He can't be that much stronger than you, can he?" I chuckle as Brendan overpowers me, and in a split second, he takes control switching positions.