Don't Explain (19 page)

Caitlyn’s eyebrows rose and her eyes became wide, “And that means?”

Margaret laughed. “I help people speak more fluently.”

Caitlyn hadn’t noticed it before, but she realized that Margaret did
sound like a television news anchor. A perfect one. Everything about her was
put together and perfect.

“But it’s not that interesting. Tell me about running a coffee shop. Do
you love it? I bet I would just love that. I used to drink so much coffee
before I found out that…” her voice trailed. “Do you have a lot of business? I
saw that write up in the paper. I bet that brought in a lot of business.”
Margaret turned to Michael and gave him a smile as though there was a joke
between them that Caitlyn was not invited to be a part of.

“I do love it so far. Much more so since the shop has become busy. I hope
it stays busy for a while.” It was good for getting her mind off of things,
like the couple sitting in front of her. “I didn’t get off to a great start,
and because of the buy-one-get-one promotion, I barely broke even last week.”

“Really? That’s too bad. I figured you would have made buckets from
that.”

Caitlyn shifted in her seat. She kept forgetting that she should hate
Margaret for destroying her life because she was so nice. It was too bad that
she considered Margaret an enemy. “I try to keep my prices as low as possible.
Because of that there isn’t much of a profit margin per drink. When I give out
free stuff, the margin becomes almost nonexistent.”

“But getting people in the door will probably make it worth it in the
long run,” Michael said.

Caitlyn nodded. Caitlyn had almost forgotten he was there, and he was the
one she came to see. He was the one that she wanted to talk to. To be alone
with. She hated herself for it. More so now that Margaret was turning out to be
a decent human being and not at all the vicious whore Caitlyn concocted in her
imagination. The problem was being in the same room only reminded Caitlyn that
she was still in love with Michael, and that her heart was still broken. She’d
do just about anything to stop her chest from aching. “As long as they keep
coming back, yeah. But I’m not ready to count my chickens.”

“This is so interesting, Caitlyn. I wish I had the courage to do
something like that.” Caitlyn would have thought that Margaret was putting her
on, but she seemed sincere. It was creepy that little-miss-perfect in her
sweater set and khakis with her fancy job title would care anything about
running a coffee shop.

“We didn’t offer you a drink!” Margaret raised her hands in the air and
slammed them down on the wood laminate tabletop, making a clicking sound and
drawing Caitlyn’s attentions to Margaret’s hands. A beautiful diamond rind
shone from the top of a gold band that wrapped around Margaret’s left ring
finger.

“Oh,” Caitlyn choked out. She felt like the floor had just fallen out
below her. It was logical that he would marry her, but she did not want him to.
It was a mistake. “You’re engaged? I didn't know with all that has happened in
the past couple of weeks.”

Margaret looked down at her ring, and Caitlyn shot a glare at Michael for
a second for not telling her this very important detail before she accepted his
apologies and invitation to the house.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Michael has really good taste for such
things.” Michael gave a half-smile and then looked down at his lap.

“It’s very nice. Congratulations.” Caitlyn could hardly breathe, and she
put all of her focus on pulling air into her lungs.

“Thanks,” they both said.

The room was silent for several moments, and Caitlyn tried to search her
mind for a reason to leave.

Michael grabbed Margaret’s hand and held it in his before moving it into
his lap. Then he said, “So, we have dense woods behind the house. I was
thinking about walking the property line tomorrow afternoon. Do you ladies want
to come?”

Caitlyn hesitated. It was one thing to go over there once without
checking with Alexis. Twice was pushing it. Really pushing it. “I don’t know.”

“Oh c’mon, Murph.”

“Yeah, Murph,” Margaret said, much to Caitlyn’s distaste. “We should all
go. It’ll be fun, and we can continue to get to know each other.”

Caitlyn shook her head no.

“You know these woods, the flora, the fauna, better than I do, being a
native and everything. It would be very helpful if you were there.”

Margaret folded her fingers together, “Please.”

Caitlyn took in a deep breath and said, “Fine.” She wasn’t entirely sure
why. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to be Margaret’s friend. She
didn’t want to get her ass chewed by Alexis. But she said it anyway.

“Excuse me, ma’am.” Caitlyn flipped around to find a burly man, standing
in the entrance to the kitchen. “I have a few questions about where you want
some things to go.”

Margaret pushed her chair back and stood up. Caitlyn mimicked her. “I
should really be going anyway.”

Distress crossed Margaret’s face. “No. I thought we could have dinner.”

“I can’t tonight.” She really couldn’t handle any more of this tonight.

Margaret walked around the table and hugged Caitlyn who stood there
frozen and uncomfortable. “Thanks for coming over.”

Caitlyn gave her a quick pat on the back, hoping it would signal Margaret
to get off of her. Margaret let go of Caitlyn, though it seemed for some other
reason, and smiled at her.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Margaret said and left the room.

Caitlyn looked at Michael. “Okay, bye,” she said and began to leave, but
he chased after her.

“I’ll walk you out.”

Caitlyn didn’t wait for him. She just kept walking silently until she
reached her car. When she did, he was right beside her. “She’s really nice.”

“Yeah. She is.”

“Then why’d she leave.”

“She was scared when she found out about the baby. Didn’t know what to do
or what I would say. She thought it would inconvenience me to have to deal with
it.”

Figured. She was trying to be polite. “She inconvenienced me.” Caitlyn
opened the car door.

Michael took in a breath slowly through his nose and let it out quickly. “Will
I really see you tomorrow?” he asked.

“I said I would. Besides, I want to check out all of your new land.” She
thought about how all the land was a major influence in her choosing this
house. The property stretched over five acres, and they had always enjoyed
spending time together outside, so she thought that they would have fun if he
had that much land that they could explore. An intense resentment crept up in
her, but she pushed it back down with a deep breath and slid into the seat. “Is
3:00 alright?”

 “Sounds good. You're a good friend, Murph.”

She looked at him and said, “I know, but I don’t know for how long,” and
slammed the car door.

#

By the next morning, Caitlyn really regretted saying that she would go
back for the walk. After thinking about it the rest of the evening and then sleeping
on it, she was sure that she couldn't be around Margaret for any extended
period of time. Despite all this and because of her desperate want to see
Michael again, she turned toward his house instead of hers after closing up the
shop. She wished that had not driven; her car always seemed to go to him.

This was an unbearable arrangement. She was still unsure what prompted
him to go through with the move here instead of going back to California after
he found out about the baby and decided to make it work with Margaret. She
wished she could tell him to move back, to go away. She had enough friends, and
she didn't need another two more, especially one she was in love with. She knew
that you can't really tell someone to move away. That was beyond the rudeness
she was willing to extend.

When Caitlyn arrived, she grabbed a duffle out of the backseat. She was
not going to tread through the forest in her work clothes. Michael met her in
the driveway, and they walked together toward the house so she could change.

 “Margaret is too tired to go on the walk,” he started. “So it looks like
it’s just going to be the two of us.”

Caitlyn tried to act bereaved. “Oh, that's too bad,” she said, but
immediately knew it sounded incredibly insincere. “Hold on let me try again.”
She took a deep breath and repeated herself, but it sounded the same. “Nope.
Can't do it.”

Michael shook his head at her disappointedly while rolling his eyes.

“I'm trying,” she responded to the gesture.

“I know, and you’ve been doing very well.”

When they got inside and climbed the stairs, Caitlyn noticed that
everything was already in its place. All the paper plates, boxes, clothes, and
bubble wrap was gone. It was like they had lived in the house forever.

“Jeez. You guys have been busy.”

Michael smiled. “Nesting has its perks, but it interferes with my sleep.”

Caitlyn turned down the hallway and was about to go into the bathroom
when she saw Margaret barreling down the hallway towards her. She stepped back,
slightly afraid she was going to tackle her, but instead, Margaret ran into the
bathroom and slammed the door.

Caitlyn stood there in a daze before looking over her shoulder at Michael
wide-eyed.

“Sorry. She’s been getting sick a lot.”

Margaret was only in the bathroom for about thirty seconds. “Sorry,” she
said and slunk back toward the bedroom at the end of the hall.

Caitlyn cautiously went into the bathroom looking around for evidence of
vomiting, so that she could avoid it. If there was even the littlest amount of vomit
anywhere in the bathroom, she would not be able to hold back her gag reflex.
After a quick inspection, she determined that it was probably safe. She closed
the door and quickly changed. She splashed cold water on her face in an attempt
to ground herself. “You can do this,” she encouraged herself. She felt tears
rise up, but she looked firmly at herself, “Don't you dare. You're better than
this. It's better to have him as a friend than nothing at all.”

Caitlyn tried to calm her mind of the thoughts she was having of Michael
as they walked the property. She wished that she could exclusively think of his
naked body, him sending throbbing pleasure through her body, or tearing his
clothes off and making love to him in the woods. While she occasionally thought
of these things, she mostly thought of him taking care of her, the plans she
had made for the future, and the gentle kisses he had run down the length of
her body. So she was quiet most of the time, and though she was trying to
participate in the conversation she was too easily distracted by her own thoughts.

Several times she almost blurted out what she thinking but managed to
talk herself out of it. The cool autumn air kept her from getting too hot from
embarrassment. When she watched Michael step on rocks and heard the crunch of
fallen leaves under his shoes, all she could do was observe the contour of the
muscles in his arms and strength of his calves as he expediently moved across
the property. Occasionally, his shirt would fall just right so that she could
see the definition in his abs and chest. She yearned for those thoughts of them
together, and eventually she began aching so profoundly that she had to hurry
up beside him to limit her field of vision and hopefully restrain those desires,
at least for the moment.

Michael looked back at Caitlyn with a frown. “Are you okay?”

Caitlyn was startled out of her thoughts. “Um, yeah. Of course.”

 He grabbed her hand, laced his fingers through hers, and stopped. She
followed his lead, startled by the suddenness of his touch. He stared deep into
her eyes, “I want you to know that what we had wasn't a fling, and it wasn't an
accident. I kissed you because I wanted to. I made love to you because it felt right.
I would be with you now—I want to be with you now—but I can't.”

She stared back at him. “That’s a terrible thing to say when you have a
fiancé.” Her eyes began to moisten and all thoughts turned back to the pain she
still felt from having a broken heart.

“I have an obligation to Margaret, to our baby, to make that relationship
work.” He took a hold of her waist and pulled her into his arms. “I don't want
to be with her, but I am not the kind of guy who walks away from something like
this.”

Caitlyn was sobbing. “I know” was muffled into his chest. “I can't just
get over it, and it's still difficult to see you. I don't think I can do this
again.”

 He ran his fingers through her hair, and she was almost comforted by his
gentle touch. “I need you in my life. I can't let you go again. I won't go a
decade without hearing from you. I know this is not what we planned, and I can't
imagine how hard this must for you, because it's killing me, but please don't leave
me.”

She looked up at him, and tears welled in her eyes. She wanted to kiss
him, to hold him tight and not let go until he submitted to being hers and hers
alone, but she couldn't. She couldn't ask him to go against his principles. She
couldn't change the man she knew to get a man she couldn't respect. She did not
want to be the woman who destroyed a family or a good man.