Don't Explain (15 page)

He began guiding his ex toward the door, “I have to tell you now. Please.”
She turned back to look at Michael but threw Caitlyn a sad look over his
shoulder before meeting his eyes. “I think that we should talk alone. It'll
just take a minute. I swear.” She made a cross over her heart.

Michael rolled his eyes, “Fine. A minute.” He grabbed the sweater he’d
left on the chair earlier. “Put this on. Let’s go outside”

Margaret began walking toward the door as she pulled the sweater over her
head, and Michael followed. He stopped and passionately kissed Caitlyn, pulling
her against his hard body. “I'll be right back.” He walked out onto the front
porch closing the door behind him. Caitlyn wanted to be comforted by his kiss
and his promise, but she had a sick feeling in her stomach. She was sure that this
gorgeous woman—one that he loved not too long ago—could shake Michael up.

 Caitlyn tiptoed to the front window and moved her curtains in such a way
that she could see the two in the porch light from her chair but so that it did
not look like she was spying on them. She watched as they faced one another,
and Margaret made a quick statement. Michael's face went blank and he became
white, and within a few moments it fell into melancholy. He lowered himself
down onto the edge of the porch. Margaret sat down beside him and put her arm
around him. He shook it off and covered his face with his hands. Caitlyn could
see that Margaret was whispering something into his ear. She wanted to run out
there and demand to know what was going on, but she couldn't bring herself to
do it.

When they were still out on her porch five minutes later, Caitlyn called
Alexis.

“What the hell? It's four in the morning,” Alexis grumpily answered.

“I know, but I need you to calm me down.” She told her everything that
she had witnessed. “What do you think?” Caitlyn questioned nervously.

Alexis remained silent on the other end of the line. For whatever reason,
since Michael had come along Alexis was no longer willing to share her opinions
as freely as she once did. It was really starting to wear on Caitlyn.

“Alexis!” Caitlyn shouted. “I really need you here. What do you think is
going on?” She demanded answers right now, and if she couldn't get them from
Michael, she wanted someone to make some up.

“Umm…” Alexis was searching in the back of her mind for possibilities. “Maybe
someone died. A friend of theirs that they were very close to.”

“Why wouldn't she just call him?”

“It was probably someone really important to him, and he probably wasn't
answering her phone calls.”

“His phone
is
dead,” Caitlyn said optimistically.

“That's it then. Someone died.” Alexis proclaimed confidently.

“I've never been so glad that someone was probably dead,” Caitlyn
admitted. She wished she had not said it, but she could not help herself. If
she had to say it to anyone, at least it was Alexis.

“What are they doing?”

“Still sitting on the porch. She’s crying, and he has his arm around her.”

“Do you want me to come over and interrupt them?”

“No, it's the middle of the night. I think that they would figure out
that you weren't just dropping in for a casual visit. Oh, wait… He's standing
up. I think that he's coming back in. I'll talk to you later.”

“Call if you need anything.”

“Alright.” She rushed to put her phone away before Michael re-entered.

Michael stood on the porch looking forlorn as Margaret disappeared into
the darkness. He waited for a moment before turning back to the door.

“I need to talk to you, but then I have to go.” He pushed into the small
living room.

“What? Why? What's going on? Are you okay?”

 The sadness that was on his face before had disappeared. His feet were
heavy against the wood floors; it felt almost as though he were stomping as he
walked, like a small child throwing a tantrum, only his face was stoic. “Sit
down,” he stated imperatively. She obeyed. Distress washed over her.

Alexis had been wrong. No one had died. He remained standing and looking
down at her. “Something happened. I'm not really sure how, but it did and it
changes everything. While I was in California, Margaret kept stopping by the
house, and I kept telling her it was over and that she need to move on. I didn't
know…” He paused to choke back whatever was arising in him and after a moment
continued. “I didn't know that she was pregnant. She was trying to tell me, but
I ignored her and dismissed her. Caitlyn, I'm sorry.”

Caitlyn was dumbfounded. After a moment, she managed to spit out, “What
does this mean?” She looked at his face and knew in essence what it meant, but
she needed to hear it from him. She would not accept it unless he told her.

He looked at her, his stoicism worn down, and his eyes began to show his
pain. “She has decided that moving here with me would be the best for the baby.
She's going to call the movers and have her things packed up immediately.” He
paused and shook his head. “I have to try to make it work with her. She is
going to be the mother of my child.” Michael found it difficult to look at her,
but he did anyway. It was torture for both of them.

Caitlyn blinked back the tears in her eyes. She was finding it difficult
to breathe; it felt as though someone was pushing down on her shoulders and
chest. She stood up and walked over to the fireplace.

“Please leave,” she said through tears.

“Caitlyn, I need you. You are the reason I moved here, and I still need
your friendship, despite what has happened. I need it even more because this
happened.” He was almost begging, but she wasn't paying attention. She just sat
there looking at the ash, concealing the streams running down her face.

“Friendship? Ten minutes ago you were sleeping naked in my bed. How can I
be your friend? For God's sake, you've seen me naked; you've seen me orgasm. Do
you really think that we just go back to being friends after that?”

Michael wanted to console her, bring her into his arms and hold her one
more time, but the emotional wall between them was palpable. He couldn't find
the words to properly express his frustration, so he said, “It doesn't change
how I feel about you.” She did not react to his comment. After a few moments,
he went into the bedroom. When he came back out, he left without saying
anything more.  

She stood silently in front of the fireplace until he stepped onto her
front porch, and as the door clicked closed behind him, she fell to the floor
sobbing fiercely. She slammed her fists against the floor, and cursed herself
for being a fool. In one moment they had made plans, and in the next he had
annihilated all of the hope she had for their future and everything she was
depending on. Deep down she knew that it couldn't have worked, ever, and now
she was hurt because she believed in a stupid dream. She crawled to her bed and
lifted herself into it. She picked up the phone, “I need you.”

Alexis arrived within forty-five seconds; it was the fastest that she had
ever gotten there, and she was not shy about running through the neighborhood
in her nightgown. Caitlyn heard her burst into the house, pause and then head
back to the bedroom. Caitlyn was lying in a puddle of her tears. “What
happened?” she demanded. “Wait. I'm not sure you should tell me. I might have
to kill him if you do.”

All Caitlyn was able to muster was “He's gone.”

Alexis sat on the bed next to her and held her close whispering
condolences in her ear. They rocked back and forth to the rhythm of her sobs.
Eventually, the crying had completely worn Caitlyn out, and she fell asleep in
a pile in Alexis's arms.

#

Michael sat in a diner 30 minutes outside of Maple Field. He drove for a
while to get his head on straight again. It had been spinning since Margaret's
first knock on Caitlyn's front door. When he saw the dimly lit sign for the
24-hour chain restaurant, he pulled off the road so that he could try and
figure out how it was possible his life had completely changed directions
again.

He stared at the motel key card that Margaret had given him. He wanted to
chuck it across the room, throw it in a fryer, or snap it in half, but he
couldn't. It was his future.

He couldn't believe it when Margaret showed up at Caitlyn's in the middle
of the night. She must have gotten the address from the hospital or one of his
friends or his parents. Still, she had the opportunity to tell him while he was
in Sacramento. She could have shown up at his old house in the middle of the
night instead of involving Caitlyn.

Of course, it would have involved Caitlyn anyway. He felt like a coward.
He couldn't stay there and watch her heart break. He couldn't comfort her. He
just left. He hadn't even planned to stay if she wanted him to. He hated the
way that he had left her, but he couldn't justify staying the rest of the night
only to leave her for Margaret in the morning.

A waitress came by and warmed up his coffee, and he thanked her with a
half-hearted smile.

“Are you sure I can't get you something to eat?”

“No, just the coffee.” He couldn’t eat anything even if he wanted to.
Ever since he saw Caitlyn's face fall into sadness and anger he had a lump in
his throat. Only coffee could be tolerated, and the coffee weighed heavily in
his stomach.  

This was the only way Margaret could have convinced him to come back to
her. He thought he’d loved her, but after being with Caitlyn, he knew that he
just loved things about her. That she was great with kids, that she could sign,
that she got along with his family. But that wasn’t love. She didn’t consume
him. Not like Caitlyn had.

It was comfortable and amicable, but it wasn’t love.

He didn't know how or when he had fallen in love with Caitlyn. It wasn't
something that hit him, but something that he just knew once it was important.
It wasn't just comfortable like it had been with Margaret. It was exciting; it
was worth changing his life for.

He knew that he had moved quickly with her, but once he had opened up to
her that night at De Luca's, the next step was obvious. It hadn't been apparent
until that point. It hadn't even been considered until he knew he had to kiss
her. Once he did it, he wondered why he hadn't tried it before.

Caitlyn tasted sweet. She had the perfume of the coffee shop, and it made
him want to nip at her neck. She was the sweetest girl that he ever put his
mouth on.

There was only one other person that he loved so much it was worth
changing his life for like he did for Caitlyn, and that was his child.

Margaret said that the pregnancy was why she left in the first place. She
couldn't handle the news, so she just left without telling him what was going
on. She knew that a baby needed a mom and a dad, and that she wanted him
involved. No matter what it took.

He wanted to be a dad. Just not like this. Not with her. Not anymore. But
he had to do the right thing. She wanted him to move back to Sacramento so they
could continue their lives as though nothing had happened, but he refused. Something
He had already terminated the lease on his house and made an offer on a house
out here. His stuff was probably already in Nebraska, and though it was
selfish, he didn't want to leave Caitlyn.

Michael took a long, slow slip from the brown and white earthenware mug.
The liquid burned the back of his throat, and he was happy to feel something
outside of his piercing thoughts.

He saw the sadness and the little bit of anger in her eyes when he
refused to jump back on a plane with her. Then he offered her a room in the
house he would soon own.

 “Fine. I'll stay here.” She sighed. “But you have to try and make this
work. I need you to help me as a partner.” Margaret was right, and really if
she pushed a little harder he would have moved back to Sacramento. He was just
being obstinate when he said he wouldn’t go back, but he couldn’t be away from
his child. Not that far away.

Suddenly, they were a couple again. Margaret handed him her motel key and
told him that if he needed a place to stay, he could stay with her. It was the
best offer he had because he knew that staying with Caitlyn was no longer an
option. He could get his own room, but he had to try to learn to love Margaret.

Maybe if he was reminded of all the little things that he loved about
her, he could do it someday. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so unbearable to be away
from the woman who he actually loved.

Michael stood up and threw a twenty on the table. He needed some good
karma. He glanced at the key and hesitantly picked it up and put it in his
pocket.

He walked out of the diner thinking about Caitlyn. How could he make this
up to her? He wanted to talk to her, hold her in his arms, and kiss her. He
wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright. But it wasn't
alright, and he didn't know how to fix it. He couldn't fix it.

He had to explain that he didn't have a choice. That there was a child to
think about, that he had a responsibility. He knew that Caitlyn knew all this,
but he wanted to make sure that she knew. He loved her. He wanted her. And his
heart was crushed too.