Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (5 page)

What kind of a Dominant am I? 
 
My
first impulse has always been to categorize myself as an
Ineffable Dom
,
but I’ve recently come to realize that I’ve always done so
not
so much
because my style of dominance
can’t be described
, but because
I
just don’t like having to describe it
.

If I had
to
categorize myself, I would
be very tempted to create a whole
new
classification for myself and the
relatively small number of other Dominants who are
like
me.  I
would designate it the
White Knight Dom
.  Yes,
I
know
what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that a person would have to be
pretty darn
full of himself
to think he can willy-nilly create a whole
new category of Dominant just for himself
and, in fact, you would be
absolutely right.
  Fortunately, when it comes to being full of myself,
I am
eminently qualified
.

The White Knight Dom wants to right wrongs, slay
dragons, rescue beautiful women, treat his submissive like a princess, and
become King – and he wants to do it all before lunch.  He is driven by a
deep sense of chivalry and altruism that transcends what he considers to be the
sordid and tawdry business of self-gratification.  The White Knight
lives
to find solutions to
your
problems.  He gets off on learning
what makes
you
tick.  He truly isn’t happy unless
you’re
happy. 
Where other Dominants might seek out submissives for their own gratification,
the White Knight seeks them out because that’s what a White Knight
does
as
he solves riddles, completes quests, and slays monsters.  For the White
Knight, conduct and protocol count for a lot.  This is why a submissive’s
ability to convincingly pull off the classic transformation from
“princess
in public, to whore in the bedroom”
is so important to him.  The
gallant knight expects – no,
demands
– that anyone he rescues from the
clutches of the beast be future
Queen
material.  The White Knight
aspires to be King of his castle, sovereign of the realm, and to be afforded
all the rights and privileges thereof.

There
are
disadvantages of being a White
Knight, some of them quite profound, indeed. The first and most obvious is you
simply can’t save
everyone,
no matter how much you may
want
to,
no matter how hard you
try
.  Second, there are fewer and fewer
princesses to go around, which frankly, is exactly the way princesses
like
it. 
Even when a princess
can
be found and rescued, the fairy tales rarely
mention what happens
next
.  The White Knight returns to the castle
with his prize in hand, only to be greeted by a royal chorus of crestfallen
princesses crying out,
“Geez, Sir Knight! Not another princess!”
 

Another disadvantage involves the dirty little
secret that White Knights would prefer remain unspoken: 
Not all
problems have solutions.
  When faced with an unsolvable predicament,
particularly if someone depends upon his ability to
fix
whatever may be
wrong, the White Knight’s shortcomings are felt far more intensely. 

People can often sense the White Knight’s
problem-solving abilities and chivalrous aura and, as a result, sometimes even
complete strangers will bare their souls and bring their problems to him,
hoping and expecting him to make things right. 

And sometimes, he actually
does
.

“Surely
there is a time to submit to guidance and a time to take one's own way at all
hazards.”

Thomas
Huxley

Depending upon whom you ask, a submissive may be
described as anything from a human doormat to a conspiratorial
behind-the-scenes puppet-master who controls her Dominant without his
knowledge.  The reality, as usual, can be found somewhere between those
two extremes. 

For our purposes, we’ll simply define a submissive
as a person who acts in a compliant or submissive role in life, and especially
in relationships.  A submissive may be what we call a “true submissive” in
the sense that these traits are firmly hard-wired into her psyche and she
simply doesn’t know any other way to be, or she may be acting out a submissive
role, whether consciously or unconsciously.  A submissive is defined
primarily by her deep-seated desire to serve and please another, while feeling
loved, cherished and cared for.  You might be surprised to learn that even
the submissive who is an extreme masochist or who craves degradation and
humiliation still wants to feel as appreciated and treasured as any other kind
of submissive. 

We will also, for the purposes of this book,
continue in the habit of referring to submissives with the feminine pronoun “
she.” 
As we stated previously, this is not being done out of any gender bias on
the author’s part, nor in the erroneous belief that all submissives are female
or, conversely, that all females are or should be submissive.  No, nothing
of the sort.  It is simply a hat-tip to the fact that in our society,
submission is typically seen as a
feminine trait
, and statistics have
generally supported the notion that the majority of submissives in the D/s
lifestyle just
happen
to be female.  Besides, having to say
“he
or she”
in every other sentence just hurts my brain.

Despite having a handy dictionary-style definition,
many readers will still be left with lingering questions regarding whether
they, themselves, might be submissives.  To assist you with that
conundrum, we’ll explore a series of probing questions on the subject, just as
we did in the previous chapter.  As I cautioned you in our earlier
discussion on Dominants, much depends upon how well you know yourself, or at
the very least, upon your willingness to do some soul-searching as you ponder
these questions.  Additionally, you should give considerable thought to
whether your answers are describing your innate,
hard-wired
core
character traits, or
roles
which you are able to assume or cast off as
the situation demands.  A
true submissive
cannot simply remove her
“submissive
hat”
and replace it with a
“Dominant hat.”
  That’s because
her
submission is hard-wired
into her head
, and not her
hat. 

Anyone in the D/s lifestyle who has the ability to
shift their behavior from submissive to Dominant and back again at will is
appropriately called a “
switch.” 
Outside of the D/s lifestyle,
there’s another name for people who can switch back and forth between these
roles as appropriate.  We call these people “
normal.” 
There’s
nothing at
all
unusual about someone who
excels
in her career as
an obedient underling to the CEO, a domineering supervisor to those she manages
in her department, a submissive partner to her spouse at home, and tyrant to
her children.  That’s what most normal people
do
on a day to day
basis.  It is only when you add the
whips and chains
aspect that it
starts to sound
kinky.
  For more on
switches
, see Chapter 3:
The Switch.

If you are someone who is wondering if you are
“hard
wired”
to be a submissive, or whether you are suited to assume the
role
of a submissive, some introspection can help you to sort through the issues
involved.  Take a few moments to ponder the following thought-provoking
questions as a way to explore your potential
inner subbiness
:

Does the idea of service, particularly service to
someone you love and respect, make you happy? 
Service
is a concept
that few people give much thought to these days.  Obviously, it can mean
different things to different people but, generally speaking, it refers to
behaving in ways that
benefit others.
  Performing service can be
one of the most fulfilling things you can do, whether you are a submissive or
not.  I served my country as a soldier for twenty years, and I know
without a doubt that I am a better person for having done so.  But not all
service has to be quite so difficult or life-changing.  Doing a little
yard work for the elderly widow who lives next door, or volunteering your time
to the local food bank are just a few examples of the types of service that
benefit the one who performs
the service
as much as the
recipient.  If performing service to help a
complete stranger
can
bring you joy and fulfillment, imagine how much happier you might be if you
were given the opportunity to do something similar for someone that you love
and respect.  If the idea of service to the one you love warms the cockles
of your heart, then you just might be a submissive.

Do you find yourself instinctively sacrificing your
own comfort, well-being, or material things for others?  This question is similar
to the previous one regarding service, but there is a distinct difference
between service and sacrifice. 
Service
is cooking dinner for your
kids. 
Sacrifice
is
going hungry
so your kids can have
dinner.  Some people have
such
a giving nature, they don’t know
how
or when to stop
giving, even when it threatens to leave them in dire
straits.  Feeding the
hungry
is one thing; giving your last crust
of bread to someone who owns a grocery store is another thing
entirely
. 
Unfortunately, our society is full of wolves who prey upon these sacrificial
lambs and their loving, generous nature.  If you’re the sort of person who
seems to
attract
the kind of people who take advantage of your sense of
sacrifice, then you just might be a submissive. 

Do you generally prefer to avoid contention and
confrontation at all costs?  People typically fall into two categories
when it comes to dealing with personal confrontation.  There are those who
enthusiastically leap into the fray, swinging their sabers and boisterously singing
a swashbuckling pirate song, and there are those who would rather have a root
canal.  An argument or fight with someone who is self-assertive,
aggressive, or intimidating can send someone who is non-confrontational into an
emotional death spiral of discomfort, self-doubt, and anger.  Not
all
submissives
react to confrontation in this way, but if
you
do, you just might be
one.

Does the idea of having to make important decisions
without assistance make you uncomfortable?  In each of our lives, there will
inevitably be critical decisions that have to be made about our finances,
careers, relationships, quality of life, and similar matters.  How often
do you typically make those decisions
alone?
 When you
do
,
how
comfortable
are you about doing so?  Or, do you seek out the
advice and guidance of a trusted family member, friend or colleague? 
Remember, you’re not being asked whether or not you are
capable
of
making decisions on your own.  The question is
how do you feel about
it?
  If having the benefit of assistance or guidance from a trusted
friend would make you feel much better about in making that critical decision,
you just may be a submissive.

In chaotic, confusing, or dangerous situations, do
you instinctively look for someone who knows what is going on to tell you what
to do or where to go?  As I stated previously, most people can perform
admirably in
either
a dominant or submissive role as needed in their
day-to-day lives.  To learn whether you are psychologically
hard-wired
to be a submissive, you need to dig a little deeper than that.  One way to
do that is to consider where your mind retreats to when it needs to find its
happy
place
- the mental sanctuary where you find joy, where your soul can
recharge.  Another way to accomplish the same thing is to take note of
what happens when you are under a great deal of stress or duress, when fear and
confusion short-circuit your ability to
act out a role.
  It is in
those moments of dread and anxiety that the facade is stripped away momentarily
and the foundational character traits are laid bare for all to see.  The
question
isn’t
whether or not you are
fearful
.  The question
is:
When experiencing terrible fear, do you instinctively become a leader or
a follower?
  If you find more comfort as a follower than as a leader
in times of great stress or danger, then you just may be a submissive.

Does it give you a thrill when the person you love
takes charge in the bedroom?  Once again, let me caution you about
misinterpreting the question.  This is
not
a question about whether
you
can
or
do
take charge sexually in the bedroom.  This
question is about
how you feel when someone else does
.  Remember,
D/s isn’t necessarily about
what you do. 
It’s about
who you
are, how you relate,
and
how you feel.
  Some people find this
difficult to believe, but your
competency
at demonstrating dominant
behaviors in your sex life has
nothing to do
with whether or not you may
be a submissive.  But whether or not having your
hair pulled
during
rough sex sends
tingles
to your crotch
just might
.  If the
mere
thought
of your partner showing you who’s boss in the bedroom
causes your heart to go
all aflutter
, then you just may be a
submissive.   

Do you seem inexplicably attracted to highly
assertive, self-confident people?  Have you developed a sort of intuitive
radar for spotting the alpha individual in any room?  If so, you are
definitely not alone.  Many natural submissives have, over the course of
their lifetimes, developed and honed this ability, often without even realizing
it.  Similarly, many gays and lesbians are able to utilize a finely tuned
“gaydar”
sense that helps them to spot subtle body language and other nonverbal cues
that can help to identify potential partners.   When you walk into a
room full of strangers, do your
“spidey senses”
immediately home in on
that
alpha person?
  Is your curiosity naturally drawn to the person
telling a funny story in the center of a cluster of laughing people?  Or
perhaps you can simply feel his or her direct gaze upon you from clear across
the room.  If any, or all, of these scenarios sound familiar to you, you
just might be a submissive.

Do you feel good about changing your appearance,
behavior, or habits in order to please your partner?  People generally
tend to fall into three categories, when it comes to altering how they look or
act in order to please someone else.  Just for fun, I sometimes like to
characterize the three categories as
salmon, cats, and dogs.
 

Salmon
swim against the current
.  The salmon
folks are those who are fiercely independent and completely uncompromising when
it comes to their appearance and behavior.  A person in this category not
only enjoys blazing her own path, but often seeks out and enjoys the
opportunity to swim against the tide of opinion, even if it is the opinion of
the person whose opinion she values the most.  She’s the one who says,
“Honey,
I love you, but if you try to tell me what to wear, how to look, or how much I
should weigh, I will rip your balls off and feed them to the dog.”
 

Cats are
aloof
.  A cat person is one who
is ambivalent or even apathetic about this issue.  If her appearance or
behavior pleases
her mate
great,
but his opinion carries no more
weight -
and often less
- than anyone else’s does.  She worries
about what people think, just not so much about what her
partner
thinks. 

Dogs are
eager to please
.  They are not
only
willing
to alter their appearance and behavior to please their
partners,
they live for it.
  The dog person derives a tremendous
amount of joy and fulfillment from the approval that comes from her mate as the
result of any change in her wardrobe or hair color, the success of her diet, or
progress in overcoming bad habits.  If you fit into this
latter
category; if you’ve ever found yourself asking your partner what you should
wear, how you should eat, or whether you should quit smoking, then there’s a
very good chance that you might be a submissive.   

Pencils down!  Pass your papers to the front of
the class.  Let’s take a moment here to reiterate the point that there are
no
right or wrong
answers to any of the preceding questions.  They
are simply designed to
get you thinking
about what is
really going on
inside of your head and in your heart.  It is entirely possible to have
answered all of the introspection questions in the
negative
, and yet
still
be a submissive
.  Conversely, you could have been nodding in complete
and utter agreement with every question, and
still not be a submissive
. 
To say it can be an incredibly
complicated
issue would be a gross
understatement. 

If only it were as easy as going to the pharmacy,
purchasing a test kit, and taking it home to pee on a little plastic
stick.  Red for Dominant, blue for submissive, purple for switches, and
yellow for everyone else.  Life really would be
so
much simpler.