Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (7 page)

The degree to which a Little can actually be
hard-wired
in this way, as opposed to
role-playing
, is often the source of
debate.  The salient issue is rarely whether such a thing is possible, but
whether or not it would be
ethical
to be involved in a relationship with
a Little,
if it is. 
Fortunately, for almost everyone involved, the
overwhelming majority of Littles are perfectly capable of slipping in and out
of the role of
innocent waif
as needed and appropriate, both in and out
of the bedroom.  It is not at all unusual to see a lifestyle babygirl who,
at the end of a long workday as a high-powered executive and an evening of
helping her teenage kids with their homework, wants nothing more than to watch
her favorite cartoons with her Daddy and to have a bedtime story read aloud to
her as she drifts off to sleep.

It would be easy to assume that all Littles
eventually end up in relationships with Daddy Doms or, at the very least,
potential
Daddy Doms, but such is not always the case.  Since age play is typically
frowned upon and shunned by the general population, Littles and Daddy Doms
often learn to suppress or conceal their true orientation, which makes their
quest for suitable life-partners who share their way of thinking far more
complicated and difficult than it ought to be.  It certainly doesn’t help
that when most people
outside
of this lifestyle hear the words
lolita
or
babygirl,
their first thought is usually of a sexually abused under-aged
girl, rather than a kinky middle-aged housewife with a pacifier in her
mouth.  Their practical need to stay
under the radar
has led to the
exponential growth of online venues where real-life Littles and Daddy Doms are
able to meet, mingle and develop relationships. 

One of the down-sides of Daddy Dom/Little
relationships is the unfortunate fact that they reward childish behavior. 
Because the dynamic can mask naiveté and places more emphasis on
cuteness
than
common sense
, these online venues also tend to attract people who are
actually
mind-numbingly immature or under-aged.  Imagine how you might feel to
learn that your exciting new online friend, who just happens to be
awfully
good
at playing the role of a naughty twelve-year-old,
isn’t acting.
 
This, my friend, is what
nightmares
are made of.

The Novice

The category of
Novice
covers a
lot
of
ground, but it should suffice to say that the Novice submissive is typically a
person who has very recently discovered and become excited about the D/s or BDSM
lifestyle, and has decided that she badly wants to be a part of it.  The
problem is, it usually isn’t simply a matter of badly
wanting
to be a
part of it, but of badly
going about
it
, as well.  This
often involves a frenzied quest to find a Master -
any Master -
and to
have that accomplished by
dinner time
.  This condition is often
referred to as
sub frenzy,
which we discuss at greater length elsewhere
in this book.  As one might expect, the Novice submissive’s efforts
usually end in miserable failure but,
occasionally
, she is unexpectedly
presented with the worst possible outcome:
success
. 

When
that
happens, the Novice is usually
hastily collared by an inexperienced or phony Dominant, used and abused
physically, emotionally, and sexually, and then unceremoniously dumped like
yesterday’s Chinese take-out.  The Novice’s first collar typically lasts
about as long as it takes the so-called Dominant to reach an orgasm or,
conversely, to learn that it isn’t going to happen.  Sometimes, the collar
will just fade away in a muddled fog of uncertainly over the following days or
weeks as the hapless Novice struggles to figure out what went wrong and whether
or not she still has a Dominant.  Nevertheless, the undeterred Novice
usually sets out again to do it all over again,
ad nauseum,
again and
again, and again. 

It should come as no surprise that the Novice
submissive has a very high likelihood of eventually becoming someone who
passionately believes that
BDSM is for losers. 
After all, she has
nothing but her own pathetic experiences upon which to base her judgment. 
This makes me sad.  So, how does someone successfully navigate the
treacherous path from Novice to
true submissive?
  There is no clear
and definitive road map that is guaranteed to help you find your way, but there
are
three principles which I believe can make that journey safer,
quicker, and tremendously more fulfilling. 

The first is quite simply this: 
Time is
your friend.
  Don’t be in such a hurry to find, submit, or commit to a
Dominant.  He isn’t a carton of milk.  There’s no expiration date
stamped on his ass.  He’ll still be there tomorrow, or next week, or even
next month.  If it is
meant to be
, then a few days or weeks won’t
make much difference in the grand scheme of things.  It’s often tempting -
even irresistible
- to leap into a relationship while your endorphins
are pumping and your heart is racing.  But it is also almost always going
to be a
mistake.
 
Take your time.

The second principle would be:  Consider a
collar, if one is involved, as
symbolic of your mutual commitment
. 
(We’ll discuss collars in greater depth in Chapter 5:
The Collar
.) 
At the very least, before entering into any D/s relationship, ask yourself
and/or the prospective Dominant the following questions:  What,
exactly,
is the nature of the commitment I am making here?
 What are your
obligations to
me
?  Am I an equal partner, unequal partner, or
property?
 
What happens if either of us fails to live up to these commitments?  How
have you handled these issues in the past?  Are you any
good
at
this?   There’s nothing disrespectful or inappropriate about any of
these question. 
Don’t
be afraid to ask.  Trust me on
this.  The time to learn the answers to these questions is
before
you wear the collar,
not after.
 

The third principle is
crucial
, and often
much more difficult than the first two.  Here it is, in a nutshell: 
If
you have serious trust issues, don’t bother. 
Don’t even
think
about
jumping into a D/s relationship.  The bedrock and foundation of every D/s
relationship is
trust.
   Entering into or even considering a
D/s relationship knowing that you
cannot trust
is a little like
skydiving without a parachute.  It may start out great, but it
doesn’t
end well.
   

The Painslut

The Painslut is typically an
extreme masochist
,
which is someone who enjoys or is aroused by sensations of intense or extreme
pain.  While
masochists
can and do exist in every other major
category of submissive, Painsluts rate their own category in the pantheon of
submission for one simple reason.  The Painslut’s
primary
interest,
attraction, and fetish is
pain –
pure and simple, completely
unadulterated, and in
heaping quantities.
  Many of the masochists
in the other categories view
pain
as a
wonderful thing
, but they
typically value pain on a par with the
other
good things in a
relationship.  The Painslut goes well beyond seeing pain as a
good
thing.  For the Painslut, it is usually the
best
thing and,
sometimes, the
only
thing.  The inclusion of the suffix
slut
is not incidental, by the way.  Painsluts are often known as much for
their sexual
promiscuity
as they are for their extreme brand of
masochism.

The Pet

A Pet submissive is one who assumes the role of a
cherished animal companion to her Dominant, who typically role plays the part
of
owner, caretaker, trainer, breeder, or rider.
 Pet submissives
typically are able to slip in and out of character as needed in order to deal
with the mundane aspects of their
vanilla
lives.  In some cases,
Pet submissives attempt to stay in character 24/7, which is what takes their
role play from being a mere kink to being a full-blown
lifestyle
.

The animal roles chosen by Pet submissives
generally
fall into three major categories:
kittens, puppies, and ponies.
  Kitten
play allows the submissive to demonstrate feline characteristics, seductive
mannerisms, and perhaps even a streak of independence.  Puppy play is more
often than not characterized by eager devotion, playfulness, mischievousness,
collars and leashes.  Pony submissives typically fall into three
categories themselves: 
cart ponies, riding ponies, and show ponies
. 
Cart ponies pull a small cart called a sulky, which carries her owner. 
Riding ponies prefer to be ridden directly, either while on all fours, or
standing with the rider on her back or shoulders.  Since this can be
problematic due to the rider’s weight, it is often
simulated
.  
Show ponies are all about the
dressage
, and often wear very elaborate
plumes, braids, harnesses, bridles, and other decorative items.

A Pet submissive who assumes the roles of
multiple
types of pets is sometimes known as a
hybrid
.  It should also be
noted that pet play is also sometimes used by submissive-leaning
switches
to
try out roles where disobedience is
expected
and
tolerated
, such
as the role of a disobedient puppy.  Another point worth noting is the
fact that Pet play is frequently a Novice submissive’s first real exposure to
the D/s dynamic due to its low level of complexity and the relative ease with
which one can keep things on a
non-sexual
level.  It is relatively
common among teenagers in online chat venues to be involved in pet play, either
as
furries,
or in other forms of role play.  Parents of
very
young
teens who are
furries
just might want to ask themselves,
“Who’s
stroking that kitty?”

The Pseudo-sub

We mercilessly skewered the poor
Tin Pot Dominant
in the previous chapter, so I suppose it is only fair that we devote equal time
and disparagement to
pseudo-submissives
.   Frankly, I am often
seriously conflicted on this particular topic.  After all, I truly do
believe that it is ultimately the responsibility of the
Dominant
to
recognize these traits in any potential partner
who may honestly and naively
believe that she really is a submissive. 
If he is sufficiently
skilled or at least
lucky
enough to recognize the warning signs, he can
then make
informed decisions
about their options and any potential
relationship.  His options may include abandoning any attempt to forge a
relationship
,
accepting her as she is in a
non-D/s
relationship
dynamic, or attempting to train her as a submissive.  

Learning that your potential partner is a
pseudo-submissive
can be a rather messy and incredibly painful process for
everyone concerned
. 
Typically, the pseudo-sub is someone who may be fairly new to the lifestyle and
doesn’t quite understand that just because she is a
rope-bunny, spankophile,
masochist,
or
bottom,
that this doesn’t
necessarily
make her
a
submissive.
 She usually isn’t trying to
deceive
anyone;  
it’s all simply the unfortunate but
predictable
result of erroneously
assuming that
because she is a bottom
, she must
also
be a
submissive.
 

It really is an honest and easy mistake to make,
which makes it very hard to fault someone for making it.  On the other
hand,
these very same sweet yet naively deluded pseudo-submissives have sometimes
been known
to go just a little bit postal
when their Dominants suggest
that perhaps some
training
might be in order.  I’m guessing that
it’s probably that whole
enraged
-
psychotic-subbie-with-a-kitchen-knife
reaction that is the source of my mixed emotions on this topic. 

Frankly, I can be simultaneously sympathetic
and
cruelly
contemptuous of pseudo-submissives.  Perhaps that explains why I have
considered coining a fun new
acronym
for the folks who fall into this
category.  The acronym would stand for:

D
eluded
U
ndisciplined
M
asochists &
B
ottoms
E
arnestly
L
iving the
L
ifestyle
in
E
rror as
S
ubmissives

It would be abbreviated as DUMBELLES.  But,
no
. 
I am
not
going to do it, because that would be mean-spirited and wrong
on so many levels.  Then
again
, you’ve got to admit, it
is
kind of funny in a
“just-kidding-but-you-know-I’m-really-not”
sort of
way. 

I’ll probably just sneakily
say it
by saying
that I am
not
going to say it.  After all, being a Dominant is all
about having your cake and eating it, too.