Vanishing Girls
Authors: Katia Lief
Vanishing Girls
Katia Lief
Contents
W
hen I walked into Mac’s home office he turned and looked at me like I’d caught him surfing pornography, and quickly closed his laptop. “Sorry you saw that.”
The image seemed to linger on the screen even after it went dark: the woman’s chipped red manicure digging into the loose muscles of a man’s hairy back, her face contorted in either ecstasy or disgust; it was hard to tell which.
“New case?”
“Last week. Wife thought he was cheating on her. He’s cheating on her. Slam dunk. Next.”
I crossed the small room to touch his forehead. “You’re burning up.”
“I can’t lay in bed anymore.”
“Some people get a flu shot so they won’t—”
“Don’t say it again.”
Get the flu
.
How many times had I told him not to put it off? Our son, Ben; his babysitter, Chali; and I all had our shots two months ago. But Mac, workaholic that he was, couldn’t spare the time. Now he was on day one of what would probably be a week of fever, aches, and pains, and already he was crawling out of his skin.
“Go back to bed, dearest.”
He coughed. Shook his head. “I’ve got some stuff to do.”
“It’s Sunday night. Your client can wait to see those pictures; in fact, you’ll be doing her a favor.”
“You’re right.” He shut down his computer and looked at me. It was only eight o’clock, I had just put Ben to bed, but the exhaustion in Mac’s eyes made it feel like midnight. “Why do I even do this? I thought I was ready to retire from the police when I did, but now I listen to Billy—”
“Who is overwhelmed, Mac, do I really have to remind you?”
“—and I realize that I will never get another challenging case again.”
“You want to be like Billy, chasing a serial killer no one’s been able to find for two years? Haven’t you been there, done that? Don’t you feel—”
“
Bored
.”
“You’re sick, you’re tired, and now I think you’re delirious, saying you wish you had the kind of cases Billy’s been catching.”
“Maybe I should try corporate security again.”
“Come on. Back to bed.” I held out my hand. He took it and stood, pausing to steady himself. He moaned and let me navigate him through the hallway back to our bedroom. I left the room dark and steered him into bed. The musty air felt claustrophobic but it was much too cold out to open a window.
“Sleep.” I kissed his forehead. “I’m going upstairs.”
He was snoring before I closed the door.
With my two men (well, one of them was just shy of four years old) fast asleep, the house felt peaceful in a way it never did. I crept quietly up the stairs to the second floor of our duplex; it was a typical layout of these brownstone Brooklyn apartments, when you had the lower half of the house, to put the bedrooms beneath and use the high-ceilinged parlor floor for all the social rooms. The floorboards creaked under my bare feet as I passed through the living room. And then, just as I made it onto an area rug, a clatter of noise broke the silence when I accidentally kicked one of Ben’s toy trucks toward the opposite wall. I froze, waiting for a reaction from below, but no one seemed to have heard. I switched on the kitchen light and sat at the table a moment, wondering where to begin. An exquisite solitude gathered like fog as I listened to sounds I rarely heard in our home: the ticking of the wall clock, the hum of the refrigerator, dissonant whispers emanating from the radiator.
The dishes: I should do them first. I had made chicken soup, and vegetable skins and crumbs from the sliced baguette were all over the counter. I started by finding a large plastic container to store the soup for tomorrow.
Midway through loading the dishwasher, a text message alert chimed across the room. I turned to look; it was Mac’s BlackBerry (mine was in my jeans pocket), abandoned on a shelf across the kitchen this morning around the time he realized he was coming down with something. His phone had been quiet all day, it being Sunday, and the chime took me by surprise. My hands were slick with soapy water. I turned back to the dishes. A few minutes later I closed the tap and looked up—and was startled by my own ghostly reflection in the window that overlooked the back garden.
A tall, crazy-looking woman with messy color-blanched hair stood outside staring in at me.
My heart jumped.
“Get lost!” I waved my arm, and so did she. Then we laughed at each other. Still, she made me nervous.
Mac usually stood here cleaning up at night; I wasn’t used to the intensity of darkness directly in front of me and the indistinct mirrorlike reversal of myself. If this was a typical flu, it would be days before he was better. Meantime, I would take on all his tasks, along with my own.
It was still too early for bed, and I had promised myself that before the weekend was over I would quit stalling and enroll in my spring courses. I was eking my way through a college degree while my adult life barreled forward, pretty sure that my twenty-year-old classmates saw me as ancient at thirty-eight. Plus I was a mother. And twice married. My life had been blessed and battered to a ridiculous extent. All I wanted now was to finish school so I could remake my career. Unlike Mac, in-the-thick-of-it police work did not tempt me anymore, even though I’d been good at it, and despite the fact that I now held a private investigator’s license so I could work with Mac on the occasional case. The busier he got, the busier I got; but evolving into his work partner (again) wasn’t my goal. I wanted to stand outside looking in, which was why I had chosen a forensic psychology undergraduate program.
Well, that wasn’t all I wanted.
I wanted, and would always want,
her
back.
Two
hers.
Cece, my sweet little daughter murdered six years ago along with my first husband, Jackson.
And Amelia or Sarah or Dakota—the daughter who was supposed to be, but wasn’t. She had miscarried, at six months’ gestation, eight weeks and three days ago. Giving birth to a lifeless child was . . . I shook away the memory.
I opened the cabinet drawer where we tossed stuff we might need later and rummaged through the mess for the catalog. It was the size of a magazine, easy to locate, but so much junk had accumulated I couldn’t resist grabbing a few things—a small plastic fan that was broken, a playbill from last year, an appliance manual for a toaster oven we no longer owned—and tossing them in the garbage. I noticed a freebie pocket calendar that had arrived in the mail almost a year ago, and was about to throw it away when I realized I should check to make sure no one was using it. I was pretty sure Mac used his BlackBerry calendar exclusively, as did I, but you never knew. Good thing I’d decided to check: When I flipped through the pages I saw half a dozen penciled entries in Chali’s handwriting. I remembered her asking if anyone would be using the little paper calendar and telling her she was welcome to it. I tossed it back into the drawer and sat down at the kitchen table with the course catalog.
She was supposed to have been born on January first. New Year’s Day. Maybe it had been too neat an expectation to foresee a daughter in my future. It was a dangerous hope, as if Cece could be replaced. Of course that was ridiculous and I never said it aloud, but it was a secret wish. I had felt itchy, pregnant with Leah or Elsa or Caroline, as if having her would scratch away a lingering emptiness. But instead of her birth eliminating a void, her stillbirth doubled it. Pregnancy with Ben four years ago had not brought on that kind of inner discord, but he was a boy, and Mac and I were a brand-new couple, and I was amazed just to be alive.
For the past eight weeks and three days, the hours had felt long and heavy.
And now the holiday season was upon us: Christmas was in two weeks, Ben’s birthday was just a month away, and I still hadn’t bought any presents or planned any parties.
I started reading the course offerings, wondering how I would find the energy to keep up with the work, and Ben, if I took two classes. I had dropped out at the beginning of the semester when I’d lost the baby, but one of the abandoned courses had intrigued me enough that I was tempted to give it another try: The Role of Malingering in the Insanity Defense: An Introduction. I was still interested in examining the vast gray area where criminal intent overlapped with lying at one end and mental illness at the other. So I dragged my laptop across the kitchen table, booted it up, logged into the school Web site and enrolled for the course again. Classes started at the beginning of February. I still had time to decide whether or not to take a second class.
Another text message chimed on Mac’s phone. I wondered who had texted him twice on a Sunday night. It occurred to me that it could be important, so I decided to break an unspoken privacy rule and read his messages.
The first was a Silver Alert from the city, advising of a missing senior. The second was from Billy Staples, a detective at our local precinct, the Eight-four, and Mac’s closest friend since he’d married me and moved to Brooklyn to begin the second half of his life. His message was simple, and inexplicable (at least to me):
WARREN NEVINS
I carried the phone downstairs, flicking off lights as I went, leaving what felt like a cold, dark void in my wake. We had set our thermostat to lower at eleven every night, and that the parlor floor was growing chilly told me it was late. I was tired. Ben would be up by six o’clock and I was ready to crawl into my warm bed beside Mac.
I could feel the heat off Mac’s body as I came around his side of the bed, intending to put his phone on his dresser.
“I’m awake,” he whispered.
“You got a text.” I handed him the phone.
His face glowed in the anemic light cast by the small square screen. He stared at it longer than necessary to read the two little words. And then he put the phone down on the bedside table beside a heap of crumpled tissues, closed his eyes, and sighed.
Ten minutes later I stepped out of the bathroom in my nightgown, my mouth minty from toothpaste, face moist with cream, and hair static from brushing. And there was Mac: standing in the hallway, fully dressed. His cheeks were pink with fever.
“Huh?” I stared at him; it was the best I could do.
“I have to go out.”
“You have to go back to bed.”
“I’m meeting Billy.”
“No you’re not.” I took his arm and tried to steer him along the hall, back toward our bedroom, but he resisted.
“You don’t understand, Karin.”
“Mac, you have the flu. This is absurd. You’re not going out in thirty-degree weather to see Billy right now. Whatever he needs can wait until morning.”
“This can’t.” He started toward the stairs.
“Why not?”
He stopped, turned and looked at me. “I’m a big boy, Karin. I can make my own decisions.”
“You’re really pissing me off right now.”
Half his mouth lifted into a wry semismile. And then a sudden coughing fit buckled him over; propping his hands on his knees, he hacked uncontrollably.
I stepped back into the bathroom and returned to offer him a box of tissues. When he could stand, he took one and blew his nose. I touched his forehead, which was even hotter than before.
“We should take your temperature again.”
He relented and lay back down on the bed, fully dressed. I turned on a lamp and watched him in the golden light, laboring to breathe with a digital thermometer protruding from his lips. After a minute, multiple bleeps announced that a conclusion had been reached: 104.2. I showed him the reading.
“Still want to go out?”
“I have to.” But he didn’t make a move to get up.
“Sweetie, what’s going on?” I sat on the bed beside him, holding the thermometer in one hand and touching his burning cheek with the other.
“I promised Billy I wouldn’t tell anyone, not even you.”
“Tell me what?”
I waited, feeling a growing sensation of nervousness. I didn’t like it. Finally he took a deep breath, coughed, and looked at me.
“He’ll have to understand.”
“I’m sure he will.”
“I would go if I could.”
“I can call him and let him know you’re sick.”
“Don’t call him. Just go.”
It was nearly midnight. Freezing out. And dark. “Where?”
“Warren and Nevins streets. You can walk there; it’s close. But I’d feel better if you took my gun.”
Warren Street, Nevins Street—of course. They weren’t far from here, though I never went in that direction. “I won’t need a gun.”
“White lady alone in the projects at night—”
“No gun.” The more I’d had to shoot people, the more I’d grown to hate it. “What’s Billy doing over there?”
“Crime scene, probably. He’s been having flashbacks at crime scenes, not always, but sometimes. He loses control and it terrifies him.”
“Loses control how?”
“Hallucinates.”
“Jesus.”
“I know.”
A year and a half ago, Billy had lost an eye in a rooftop shootout with a woman he loved. The shock and betrayal had been traumatic on every level—physically, emotionally, professionally—but after a standard leave he had returned to work. Some cops seem able to slough off trauma; others crumble instantly; some come apart bit by bit. You often don’t know who is who until some time has passed. We had thought Billy was out of the woods, but maybe we were wrong.
“Is he getting help?”
Mac shook his head. “The stigma—afraid he’ll lose his job.”
Job, full pension, reputation; there was a lot a cop could risk if he showed the slightest sign of vulnerability. Back when I was a cop and I fell apart, people were kind but they kept their distance, as if they’d catch failure if they came too close.
“How long has it been happening?”
“Not sure. He told me about it a couple of weeks ago. Said he’d send me a code, a location, if he felt one coming on again. The deal was I’d show up, wherever, whenever, and help him handle it.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“Not tonight I’m not.”
I kissed his forehead. “I’m on it.” Then I fed him some ibuprofen, turned off the light, and went to get my coat.