Divided (6 page)

“Ally, where are you going?” She asked.

“I don't think I can sleep Katie, I'm just going to lie down on the couch and try to watch some TV.” But the truth was I was exhausted. My body was screaming for sleep but I knew I wouldn’t be able to without the assistance of alcohol or sleeping medication. I needed them to help block out the vision of Marco and Trish. 

“Do you want to talk?” she asked not knowing if she was over stepping. You could tell she was being cautious. Not at all her blunt straight forward self.

“I'm ok. There really isn't anything left to say.” I told her, thinking back to the fact that if none of this would’ve happened I would be on the dance floor with Marco right now, cutting the cake or maybe throwing my bouquet. Who knows? But what I did know is that he destroyed my heart. I had to cancel my wedding and apologize to out of state guests. I don’t have a place to live. And I couldn’t sleep without replaying the past five years over and over. Now all that is a painful reminder of my fairytale that didn’t happen. The tears crept into my eyes and with that I just walked away. I felt bad walking away from Katie but it was all too much for me. 

 The next morning the car service was at Katie’s apartment bright and early. Our bags were packed and we were ready to go. She was going to Jamaica with the girls and I was going to somehow find a way to put my life back together.

 Sleep never came for me the night before so I hoped that I could catch up on some of it on the plane ride. As we headed to the car, I noticed that Caitlyn and Melanie were already there.

“Hi” I said. It was all that I could manage. For the past couple of days my world was falling apart more and more. Sleeping was difficult unless I was intoxicated, my mind would play flashes of my life with Marco. Having a normal conversation was tricky; I was losing the will to speak to people without tears in my eyes. Most of all I was losing the patience for anyone looking at me like.

“We’re all set.” Katie said to the driver. She closed the door behind her and then there was silence.

 What a difference two weeks made. Last time we were all in a car together on our way to an airport we were going to Las Vegas to celebrate my final days of freedom before marriage. Now it was so quiet that we could hear the upcoming cars as they passed us by. I could feel their concern for me, especially from Caitlyn. Peeling back her nail polish she looked out the window and then back at me. Her foot tapped faster with each passing second. Every time her eyes met mine a sad smile appeared on her face. She wanted to talk but I was drained.

“Alani, are you sure about this? You don’t have to go all the way to North Dakota to have peace and quiet. What if something happens to you?” She asked.

“What if you can’t find Ryan?” Melanie added.

I didn’t know if they thought I was going there for him. I didn’t even know why I was going there really.

“Caitlyn, I’m sure.” I stated calmly.  “The reason I picked North Dakota was because of Ryan, but not the reason you all might think.” I took a breath to gather my thoughts together.

“We don’t.” They all said at once trying to interrupt.

“Let me finish.” I cut them off. “When I met Ryan there was something about him, some kind of serenity that I had never felt before. He was different. He was caring. I don’t know why I picked North Dakota exactly. I just need an out. I’m not going there to look for him, but 
if
 I bump into him while I’m there then at least I’ll have someone to talk too.”

They all just looked at me not knowing what to say.

“Ok.” Katie finally said. The remainder of the car ride we rode in silence.

 Luckily the ride from Hoboken to Newark Airport was quick. The car dropped us off at our terminal and we proceed to check in. Once we were located in Terminal C our gates weren’t very far away from each other.

“Ok, this silence has to stop. We’re all going on vacation. So let’s stop this and enjoy ourselves. I swear I’m ok and the second I feel lonely I’ll rush home. Deal?” I stated as we made our way towards the food court for breakfast.

“Deal.”

“Yeah.”

“Fine.”

As the girls boarded their plane I said my goodbyes. “Have fun. Get a beautiful tan. If I need you, I’ll call, I promise.” I shouted as they walked down their aisle.

“No Lifetime movies.” Katie yelled back. I smiled and walked away towards my gate. She knew that I had a weakness for the Lifetime Channel.

 My gate was fairly quiet with only a few people there so far so I stopped by Hudson News and bought myself plenty of gossip magazines hoping that someone’s life sucked a little more than mine did at this moment. When I got back I realized that apparently a lot of people flew into Fargo, North Dakota because our flight was packed and the only seats left were in business class. I guessed you did get what you paid for. The flight attendant approached with champagne and nuts to greet me once I was in my seat.

 A sweet elderly lady sat next to me, her eyes warm. When she sat down, she smiled over at me and I secretly hoped she wouldn’t want to speak the whole flight. I didn’t want to spill my whole heart out to someone I didn’t know. 
Well maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea
. “No” I said out loud.

“Excuse me?” The woman asked.

“I’m sorry, I was just talking to myself.”

She smiled and went back to reading her Sky Mall Magazine.

Once the plane took off and I downed three glasses of champagne before leaning my seat back hoping to fall asleep.

 
“What is it?” Katie asked while I opened the picture frame Marco had given to me.

“It’s all the places Marco and I visited when we were first dating. We watched Serendipity and did what they did.” I said in between tears that dripped. “We made this silly list with all these places we had just visited, we both had a copy of the places and decided if we met at the same place, it was meant to be.” I ran my fingers over the glassed frame protecting the piece of paper that was so old. “You kept this?” I asked looking at Marco.

We always played secret Santa for Christmas. It was our first Christmas in our new home, a home that we had purchased together with both of our names on the mortgage agreement. My whole family and Katie had come out from New Jersey and his family was here as well. I always enjoyed celebrating Christmas Eve waiting until midnight to open gifts.

“I can’t believe you kept this after so many years.” I said with tears falling free down from my eyes.

“Alani, We always talked about our life together and I always told you there was a time and place for everything. And here we are surrounded by our family and dearest friends.” Marco said holding my left hand and dropping down on one knee. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I may not be the easiest person to live with. I may be messy at times and not put down the toilet seat but I promise to love you with all my heart and I promise to make you happy and laugh with you. Will you please do me the honor and marry me?”

“O…M…G” Katie said when he opened the maroon jewelry box open.

I looked straight into his eyes seeing my other half. “Yes, A million times yes I’ll marry you.”

 
“Miss… Are you ok?”

Reality set in as I realized I was dreaming. “Oh I’m sorry.” I said wiping the tears that were slowly streaming down my face.

She handed me a tissue. “I’m so so sorry.” I said taking the tissue from her hand to wipe my eyes.

“I’m Darla,” She said bringing her hand to her chest. “I didn’t mean to wake you, but your body was shaking.”

“It’s okay, really. It was just a bad dream. I’m Alani” I reached my hand out for her and she took it, offering a small smile.

“Are you visiting Fargo or going home?” she asked.

“Visiting. First time.”

“Oh you’ll love it. A little chilly but it’s such a great place. I was visiting my daughter in New Jersey. She just had her third child. A little girl.” She stated. She was an excited talker and so for the remainder of the flight I conversed with Darla about her seven grandchildren and her home in Fargo.

“Are you staying with family or friends?” She asked. For the past thirty minutes we talked only about her so now it only seemed appropriate to talk about me I supposed.

“Neither, ma’am, I’m here kind of on a retreat to find myself.” I tried to explain. “See I just ended a relationship with someone and I just needed a change so I decided to come here for a week or so to clear my thoughts.”      

“Oh.” She said. “I see.” Though I didn’t think she did, not really.

 As we descended into Fargo I looked out the window and saw the world below me. I closed my eyes and for one last time I let my heart hurt for Marco. I made the conscious decision that I wouldn’t cry over him anymore. I wouldn’t look back and remember the pain he had caused me. I would only look forward and begin my healing process. I was going to get over this, one way or another.

⌘

As I claimed my luggage from the conveyer belt, I made my way down to the retrieve my rental car. I had flown into Fargo, North Dakota but I was staying in Grand Forks and according to the GPS in the Ford Escape I was renting, I was an hour away from my destination.

 North Dakota was cold. I left sixty-five degree weather and was smacked in the face with thirty-two degree weather and a wind chill of eighteen degrees.

 It had been a while since I had driven myself anywhere though I quickly realized that driving a car was like riding a bike. Granted, I drove with more caution than usual, this was a rental and I was in freezing weather, I was petrified of black ice. Getting out of the airport was a little complicated but there was only one highway. I didn’t have to go anywhere but north so there was no way to get confused. An hour and twenty minutes later I pulled into the hotel. My home for the next two weeks, I removed my phone from my purse and sent a group message to everyone.

Me: I made it!

I called my mother. She was not as tech-friendly as most people.

“Alani, love, are you there yet?” She asked. No hello, no nothing. Just straight to the point. This was a reason I loved my mother to pieces. Her straight to the point attitude was something to admire.

“Hi mom, yes just pulled into the parking lot and wanted to tell you I’m safe and I love you.”

“I love you too. I don’t understand why you had to go so far away but I guess you need this. If you need anything let me know.”

I smiled; my mother was the most astonishing woman. She knew that I just needed to get away whether she understood it or not.

“Will do Ma. Bye.” 

I rolled my luggage to the front desk. Reaching the counter, I pulled out my credit card and identification. The hotel was simple yet modern. It was not the 
W
 but it was still chic. The marble tiles in the foyer matched beautifully with the marble on top of the front desk. It was clean and smoke free.

There was a restaurant to the right and a long hall way on the left, above the door hung a sign stating that the pool and elevators where located there. The front desk receptionist was helpful and gave me a map of the city with a couple different restaurants she enjoyed. She also gave me a flyer to a local spa that was nearby and sights and attraction. After thanking her I followed the bellhop up to my room.

 My room was extremely chic, because I had booked so last minute I was only able to have the suite and after seeing the room, that was just fine by me. Once you opened the door there was a bathroom to right housing a large shower with multiple showerheads, a long vanity with a mirror all the way up to the ceiling and on the other side of the bathroom there was a Jacuzzi tub that could easily hold up to five people. After the bathroom there was a kitchen area with a mini fridge, microwave, and cabinets stocked with cups, plates and utensils. To the left of the kitchen was a sitting area with a black leather love seat that sat in front of a flat screen television.  Before the couch there were two double doors that led to the master bedroom with a California king bed, white leather headboard and white Egyptian cotton sheets. This was prefect.

I thanked and tipped the bellhop before I got settled in and then preceded to call the spa and make an appointment for later in the week. After deciding that I was treating myself to a day of beauty, I booked the seven-hour package.

⌘

I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. It was the first time in the past five days that I could breathe. I turned the television on to the local news. The weather outside said that it was 34 degrees. 
Ouch.
Though there was a fitness center downstairs maybe a jog around town would be nice. I put on three pairs of pants, a thermal sweater and a jogging jacket, knowing it would be cold at first but after the first mile my body would warm up. 

 Downstairs in the hotel breakfast area, I grabbed a banana. I didn’t want to run on an empty stomach.  I did a few quick stretches to loosen my muscles and then I was off. 

I hadn’t jogged since I came home from Las Vegas. My body felt tight around my joints but it only motivated me to push harder. The cold hurt my limbs but it was only a temporary pain, a good type of pain.  Usually at home I jogged while listening to 
Elvis Duran and the Morning Show
, which was a great morning talk show, but here I wanted to be able to clear my mind and see parts of the city. There was a big difference jogging here and jogging in Brooklyn. The air was cleaner, the streets didn’t have any trash and the people were all pleasant, saying good morning to me as I passed by.

 I ran along the local city streets looking at different shops along the way. A Kraft Furniture store caught my eye and I immediately thought of Ryan though rather than stopping for a closer look I shook my head and kept running. I ran along a park that showed a 10k trail ahead.

I was done with the trail within the hour. I was feeling great, energized, sweating and not feeling cold at all. I slowed down and continued with a slow jog, not wanting to over exert myself on my first day here. The fitness trail ended on the opposite side of town, right in front of Columbia Mall.