Distinction: The Distraction Trilogy #3 (21 page)

I place the book down and wipe away the tears from under my eyes. I can’t stop reading it. It’s so well written and makes me so sad. Kids are so fucking cruel. Teenagers are even worse.

I can name at least ten times growing up where I was a bully to somebody for being different. The amount of times I fat shamed and slut shamed people. The amount of times I made fun of somebody for a mole or because of their clothing.

I hate myself.

I hate myself because the boy in the book hates himself and I know that once upon a time I was probably making somebody else feel like that.

“It’s time to go,” Silas tells me, taking the book from my hand. He looks at the title and flicks through a few pages before settling on my book mark. “You’re half way through already? Is it good?” He grins, places the book on the bedside table and kisses my lips. “Well, if you’re crying on the day before your best friend’s wedding, it’s bound to be good.”

“It’s so sad. I’m never having kids. Ever.”

He frowns but doesn’t argue. “We really have to get a move on if we’re going to make it to breakfast in time.”

“Fine.” I sniff and climb out of bed. “But you’re driving.”

We arrive at Hayley’s booked breakfast only a few minutes late. She doesn’t mind though, she’s too busy sucking face with Tyler.

“Isn’t it bad luck to see each other the day before the wedding?” I whisper to Beth, quirking a brow.

She shrugs. “I suppose it doesn’t matter in this day and age.” True. I take the seat beside her. “The statistics on divorce are already too high.”

“Hayley and Tyler will be together until they die.” Jocelyn states as she takes the seat opposite. I’m annoyed to see that she isn’t alone. Isaac sits beside her but doesn’t meet my eyes. He looks so handsome with his blonde hair neatly cut and combed into a style that I haven’t seen on him before. It really suits him. His dark blue eyes seem to be extra blue in this lighting too.

Why won’t he look at me? Why won’t he smile at me?

Realising that I’m staring, I quickly move my eyes back to Jocelyn. “Agreed.”

She grins, though it isn’t friendly. Her hand rests over Isaac’s on the table and she leans into his ear. Whatever she says to him makes him laugh and glance at me.

Are they talking about me?

Silas leans forward to speak to Tyler who is on the opposite side of the table and a few seats down. It cuts off my view of Isaac for long enough for me to gather my wits.

“Oh, Hayley. I sorted out where I’m staying tomorrow night.” Jocelyn says as I browse the menu.

“I said you can stay at mine!” Hayley frowns and points to something on her own menu. “They still do those syrup pancakes that we used to love, Elle.”

“Guess what I’m getting.” I grin and point them out to Silas, who grimaces and comments, “Too much sugar for so early.”

“Where are you staying?” Hayley asks over the noise of the table.

“Isaac’s,” Jocelyn responds just as loudly and Hayley’s eyes snap to her friend in a flash.

Beth, Hayley, Silas and Hayley’s mum all stare at me. I act like her revelation didn’t affect me. It did though and I hate that it did.

“What?” I whisper as Silas gauges my reaction. He seems satisfied with whatever I’m showing in my eyes and presses his lips to mine.

That’s it. That’s enough.

Hayley was right. I need to break up with him. There’s nothing there anymore and it’s not fair on him that I’m leading him on when I still feel so strongly for my ex-husband.

I turn away from him quicker than planned.

“So, am I coming straight to yours after breakfast?” I ask Hayley who is so happy she’s practically glowing.

“That’s the plan. I have a special surprise for you all.” Hayley grins and claps her hands together.

Now I’m definitely excited and I put away my own drama. It’ll still be there in a few days. There’s no use stressing over any of it right at this point in time.

“You’re mad at me,” Jocelyn points out as she walks me to my car. Her stuff is already on the back seat as I collected her and it from Hayley’s before the breakfast. I shouldn’t have gone. That was awkward.

“You didn’t have to tell the entire world our private life.” I’m starting to realise that Jocelyn quite likes attention, be it negative or positive.

She grins wickedly. “Oh don’t be dramatic. Elle didn’t care, if that’s what you’re worried about. She doesn’t love you anymore, not like that.”

“She said that?”

“The night of the hen night.”

I open my mouth to respond but close it again and lean back against my car. “What exactly happened that night? We still haven’t spoken about it.”

“Eloise doesn’t like me purely because I’m close to you now.”

“She’s not that petty.”

“Puh-lease… she’s a bitch.”

My frown is evident. “Don’t talk that way about her. You don’t know her.”

“Whatever.” She seems unperturbed by my chastisement of her attitude. “I don’t really care. I just figured you’d want to score a couple of points against her.”

“I don’t.”

“Fine, I’ll be more mindful of what I say in future around little miss prissy pants.”

“You’re starting to piss me off.” I don’t know why I feel so defensive. I just hate bullying. I hate bitchiness. “Say it to her face, not to mine.”

Jocelyn’s mouth drops open. “You really still are hot for her aren’t you?”

“No. I’m just not the kind of person that belittles others to make myself feel better.” Anymore… I used to be, but not anymore.

Her lips part and her arms cross over her chest. “I’m sorry,” she states sincerely. “I’m a bitch. It’s who I am but if it’s upsetting you, I don’t want to be.”

I have no idea what to say to that and I don’t get the chance because, before I can react, she’s on her tiptoes and her lips are pressing against mine. This time I don’t move away. This time I bring one arm around her back and tease the seam of her lips with my tongue. She opens for me and allows me a taste of her sweet mouth.

Turning us slowly, I press her against the car and press my body against hers. She hums against me, clearly enjoying what I’m doing to her.

And then I step away, releasing her as quickly as she kissed me.

She grins triumphantly and steps to the side as I pull open the door to my car and climb in. We say no words before I drive away.

When I look back, I see, Eloise, Hayley and Beth all exiting the restaurant. I feel a huge pang of guilt.

Never in my life have I felt a happier moment than when standing by my friend as she says her vows to the man she loves.

It brought back so many memories of my own very quiet wedding. We said our vows in French after dragging a random female stranger from the street to be our translator and witness. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

So when I start crying at the altar for my friend, it’s not just because she looks gorgeous. It’s not just because she’s marrying the man she loves. It’s also because I’m feeling those feelings I felt the day I got married and I’m finally saying goodbye to them. I have to say goodbye to them. I got the confirmation this morning that my marriage is finally over by law.

Everybody claps and cheers when they share their first kiss as a married couple. I dab at my eyes with a delicate handkerchief that Tyler’s best man, Jake, handed to me.

For the entire dinner, the speech, the rehearsal, I play the perfect maid of honour. I’m happy, and excited. I dance. I don’t let the drama that is Isaac and myself take away any part of this beautiful service.

But then it starts to get late and I drink more.

Silas seems to want my constant attention on him but in my slightly drunken haze, I can’t stop watching Isaac and Jocelyn together. I had that once. He was mine once.

“What is your problem?” Silas spits, getting madder at me by the second.

I finish my drink after watching Isaac twirl Jocelyn around for the fourth time. Her laughter is the loudest thing in here.

“Nothing,” I lie and drain my drink. “I… I need to step out for a moment.”

I know I’m being selfish but I can’t help it. There are all of these feelings warring inside of me and I don’t know what to do with any of them. It’s so unfair. This is so fucking unfair.

Silas’ hand wraps around my bicep and I look at him over my shoulder. “Is this about him?”

“No,” I respond and look around as eyes begin to come to us. “You’re making a scene.”

He realises his error and follows me out of the hall. We head for the doors and step into the warm, summer night air.

Silas’ dark eyes scan me up and down as I wrap my arms around myself and stare out over the beautiful countryside. I don’t blame Hayley for wanting to get married here in her home town. It’s a beautiful place in most parts.

I lean against a heavy pillar that holds up the balcony above us. The stone beneath my feet is slightly cracked in places but it gives this place character. Whoever looks after this building is doing a marvellous job.

“I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I’m second best to you, Elle.” He tells me honestly, standing just behind my left shoulder.

I don’t look at him as I speak the words I should have spoken long ago. “You’re not second best to me. You have never been second best to me. It’s just… I don’t feel like we’re going anywhere.”

“Because you’re so hung up on
him
?” He spits the word and I see his long shadow, cast on the ground in front of us, throw out an arm in the direction of the light.

“Yes,” I admit and turn to face him at last. This is my mess. He deserves my honesty face to face. “I didn’t realise how much I had suppressed.”

“But you finally got your divorce.
Finally.
” Soft, dark hands grip my shoulders. “It took forever. I don’t… I…” He releases me and locks his hands behind his neck. “I was going to ask you to marry me.”

I couldn’t be more surprised. “Why?”

I don’t mean to blurt it out, I’m just in shock. Though now I feel even worse because he bends forward as if winded. “Why the fuck not? We’ve been together a year and we’re great together. You get me, Elle. You don’t put up with my shit. You don’t coddle me and demand my time and attention. You trust and love me without any of that bitchy bullshit that all of my exes gave me. I want that forever. I want
you
forever.”

Holy fuck. “I had no idea you felt this way. I thought you felt the same way I did.”

“Why the fuck do you think I bought this inn with you?”

“You said it was a smart investment.”

“It
is
a smart investment, but I mostly did it because it made you happy and I wanted to score as many points with you as I could.”

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

“Do you still want him?”

“It’s not like that. Nothing is that black and white.”

He shakes his head. “You’re an idiot if you think that.”

“I am not.”

“We have something good here, Elle. Don’t end it because you’re feeling emotional. You love me. I know you do.”

Turning again, I stare at the full moon in the night sky. It should be such a romantic moment. “I need time.”

“Time?”

I nod. “I just need a bit of time to wrap my head around everything.”

“I can give you time.” He sidles up behind me and wraps his arms around my middle. “Let’s go?”

I shake my head. “I’m going for a long walk.”

“At this time?” I’m suddenly spinning towards him. “You can’t be serious?”

“I’ll be fine. I just need to clear my head.”

“Where are you going?”

I move past him and sneak back into the ballroom.

The table assigned to me is empty save for the sparkly centrepieces that hold party favours for the guests. I snag a small, netted, duck egg green bag and tip the contents into my hand.

“They taste like vomit.” Isaac’s voice travels over my shoulder and he moves to take the seat beside me.

“Don’t be so dramatic; it’s chocolate,” I respond and pop a love heart shaped chocolate into my mouth. It’s not until I sink my teeth into it and feel it begin to melt that I start to feel nauseous. I grab my napkin and spit the chocolate into it. Isaac, meanwhile, laughs his arse off. “They
do
taste like vomit. That’s gross.”

“Told you so.” He grins and his easy grin is so fucking alluring. I’ve had too much to drink. It’s clouding my judgement. I want to kiss those perfect fucking lips. “What is it anyway?”

“I don’t know. Some American chocolate beginning with H.” I shudder as I throw the bag back onto the centrepiece. “No wonder nobody is touching them.”

“That guy is.” He points to Hayley’s grandfather who is sat at a table across the room with three empty bags in front of him and another in his hand.

We both shudder.

“Is everything okay?” Isaac asks, looking concerned.

I look away from his prying eyes and nod before lying. “Never better.” Hayley’s laughter and happiness warms me but doesn’t beat down my demons. “I’m leaving soon.”

“Where’s Silas?”

“I…” I look around but can’t see him through the thick of the crowd. “I’m not sure.” Maybe he went home.

“Are you two okay?”

“Isaac!” Suddenly Jocelyn appears and lands on Isaac’s side. “Are you coming? I love this song.” She grins at me. “Hey, Elle.”

I give her an unenthusiastic wave and turn my eyes back to my table.

“Give me a moment,” Isaac responds but I give him a look that tells him to go and leave me alone. Sensing this, he leaves but he looks back as he goes and the sorrow in his eyes matches the sorrow in my heart.

Sorrow for what though?

John comes over and takes the seat that Isaac just vacated. I rest my head on his shoulder and just enjoy his warmth.

“What’s troubling you? You haven’t been right for a while now.”

I shrug. “I don’t want to talk tonight. I just want to chill.”

“Are you hungry?”

I shake my head, no. “Are you?”

“You’re going to break yourself if you continue to keep this bottled up.” His voice is calm and soothing.

I feel my eyes beginning to burn so I quickly shrug it all off. “I’ll be fine.” I stand, kiss him on the cheek and glance over at Isaac, who is happily dancing again. He’s forgotten all about me already. “I’m going home.”

“Do you want me to take you?”

Smiling genuinely, I kiss his cheek once more and shake my head. “I’m good. You stay, have a drink. You’ve earned it.”

Jocelyn’s laughter rings high above the noise. It grates on my nerves.

Fuck this.

The guests are all inebriated, happy and still dancing away. I take a bottle of champagne from the table by the bar and sneak back the way I came, not caring if anyone sees me.

Silas watches me go after I pass him talking to a group of guys in the lobby, a mask of pain on his face. I hate that I’m doing this to him. I hate that I’m doing this to myself.

I don’t know why I’m so confused. My path should be set. I should be over the moon about Silas and completely over Isaac. I should know my next move. My life is set. I start a new job in a month. The inn is almost finished. We already have staff in place ready for its opening. Advertisements are going up next week. Everything is done.

And yet I feel torn up inside. This isn’t fair. I paid my dues. I feel more hurt than I deserve.

I can’t take this anymore.

I head into my old school and straight for the classroom where it all sort of began.

Why the doors are open I don’t have a clue, it’s empty save for the familiar desks and white board. I should be scared but how can I be? I feel oddly calm and happy here.

My hand smooths over the surface of Isaac’s old desk. It’s cold and a little rough from use. A few new names have been etched into the surface and it makes me smile.

The room even smells the same as it used to, kind of like playdough and chalk, which is odd considering the room holds neither.

I pop the cork of the champagne off and watch it hit the opposite wall, just above the window. It’s the same window where that nosey female teacher, Miss Hart, peered through when Isaac gave me the bracelet.

I’ve forgotten her first name. I’ve forgotten a lot of names. It’s true what they say about never seeing most of the people that you once knew in school ever again. I’ve barely seen a handful of people. I don’t talk to anybody from school but Hayley.

The bubbles hit the back of my throat. They’re a little warmer than I’d like, but there’s literally no point in being fussy about it. I just want the numbness that the bubbles bring.

“Here’s to fucking my teacher,” I say to nobody and raise the bottle to the empty classroom after pulling myself up onto Isaac’s old desk. “And marrying him. And divorcing him.”

The door opens with a bang and a familiar laugh echoes with it. I see a blur of faces and hands. I see a tie hit the ground before I realise what it is I’m a witness to.

“Are you absolutely fucking kidding me?” I yell and Jocelyn and Isaac stop sucking each other’s faces and tearing at each other’s bodies with their hands. “Fuck.” I want to throw the bottle at them but the thought of losing the one substance that might erase this image from my mind is too tragic to cope with, so I keep it gripped tightly in my hand. “So this is why the doors were left open. Fuck.”

“Elle?” Isaac pulls away from the woman he has pinned to the door and gapes at me. “What are you doing here?”

“Not whatever you’re doing, that’s for sure!” I snap and slam the bottle down on the desk beside me. “So this is how you’re celebrating, huh?”

Jocelyn’s eyes flicker between us both, though thankfully she remains silent. I’m a little drunk and emotional. If she speaks I might kill her.

“Celebrating what?”

Did he not get the letter of confirmation? Did his solicitor not call? Is that not why he sat with me at the table?? “Nothing.” I don’t realise I’m crying until I feel a tear fall from my jaw. “Excuse me. I’ll just get out of your way, shall I?” Hopping down from the table, I start towards them.

“Why are you here, Elle?” Isaac asks, holding out a hand to stop me from passing. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I mutter and try to pass, but he side steps in front of me. “Don’t be annoying.”

“Joss, give us a moment.”

“Joss?” I laugh humourlessly. “You two
are
serious, huh?” I scowl at her over his shoulder. “I thought you hated being called Joss.”

She still doesn’t speak; she only nods at Isaac and exits the room, looking irritated.

Giving the middle finger to her back, I then fold my arms over my chest. “What’s so important that you couldn’t tell me in front of your new girlfriend, Isaac?”

“Don’t be bitter, Elle. I’m just trying to move on.” He says, frowning. “Like you told me to, may I add?”

“What the fuck ever…”

“Don’t be immature.”

“Ha!” Me? After all he’s done, I’m the immature one?

He closes the door and leans against it. “Why are you here? Alone. Getting hammered, I’ll repeat… alone?”

I bring the champagne to my lips and take a large swig. “Why pretend to care?”

“I do care.” His sincerity catches me off guard. I bring the bottle back up to my lips. I’m half a bottle away from the end and I’m going to need more if I want to wipe this disaster from my mind. “What’s wrong?”