Dishonor Thy Wife (13 page)

JAYDEN

Brad yelled into the phone, “Did you fuck her?”

I lied. “God, no! I wasn’t intimate with your wi…”

“If you touched, Barbie, I’ll kill you, Jayden! Barbie said
she hated me and never wanted to see me again. She accused me of bonking every streetwalker
in Philly. What did you tell her?”

“I told your whore I had the clap.” I smiled at the
expletives at the other end of the phone line.

“Dammit, Jayden, the clap? How long am I supposed to swear
off sex with Barbie while waiting to be disease free? Barbie is no whore; she’s
a lady”

“What was I supposed to do? The
lady
came into your
office, begging me for it.”

There was an ominous silence at the end of the phone line.

“You still did not answer me, Jayden. Have you had sex with Barbie?”

“The mention of the clap was enough to scare her off me. How
would a married woman explain the clap to her husband, huh? She believed I was
you, Brad. You are confusing us. I am supposed to be you, remember? I had to
tell her something. Barbie was all over me.”

There was an expulsion of breath at the other end of the
line and some muttering.

“She threw me for a loop when she barged into your office. You
never told me about Barbie. Disclosure, Brad. Disclosure.”

“You have anything to do with Barbie, and I’ll rip your face
right off your skull! I’ll tear your head off!”

“That’s a bit harsh. What happened to, ‘no woman should come
between us’?” I quoted his words back at him.

“Barbie is not a woman. She is a goddess.”

“I don’t want Barbie,” I said in a weary voice.
What
about your wife? Don’t you care if I ball Ronni?
I slept with your wife last
night! Please tell me you want to come home because I am too weak
where you wife is concerned to suggest
we switch back.

My brother sulked like a spoiled child. Finally, he said, “I’m
going to have to hang low in Canada for a week past our agreement to figure out
what to do about this mess you made with Barbie.”

“Fine,” I hastily agreed, needing to figure out things for
myself, such as why the prospect of staying in Austin longer made my heart
quicken. “Just quit taking off in the middle of the day and abandoning my
patients, you got that, Dr. O’Boyle?”

“I only did it twice,” Brad said, again like a sulking kid.

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “Twice is too much. I’m
over here looking after your patients and I expect the same professional
courtesy.”

“Well I expect some courtesy where Barbie is concerned.”

“Barbie is a different animal altogether. You withheld
information, Brad. I knew nothing about your mistress. She totally threw me off
guard. You talk about me ruining things for you with Barbie, well you...”

“Yes?” His voice was ice cold.

I snapped my mouth shut, almost confessing to Brad that he
blew things between his wife and me by having phone sex with Barbie and Ronni
thought it was I. My sixth sense warned me to keep quiet about Ronni. “Since
we’re being candid, Brandy threw herself at me.”

“Don’t tell Barbie anything about Brandy, got that?”

“Okay, but what about Vanessa?
Have you slept with her pretending to be me?” My tone of voice warned
him,
do not get me in deeper with Vanessa, my soon-to-be
ex-sort-of-girlfriend, and I will leave your girlfriends alone.

“I confess to balling her once, grew bored, and ignored her
ever since,” he answered.

“You’re sending Vanessa mixed signals by going to bed with
her, Brad. You promised to break up with
her for me.”

“I gave Vanessa the best lay she’s ever had in her life, and
then treated her badly so she’ll hate you. And what do you do, brother? You
turn Barbie off me. Barbie is not Vanessa. She is important to me. Barbie and I
have a connection you would never understand in a million years.”

“Right.” I made a gesture in the air like jerking off.

“So you return the favor, okay, brother?”

“I already did, by telling your girlfriend I have the clap,
I turned off Barbie like you turned off Vanessa.”

“I meant the opposite,” he yelled. “I can’t have a rift
between her and me!”

“Well, if you don’t want Barbie to seduce me, she needs to
believe you’re diseased.”

“Barbie is not coming onto you!”

“By the way,” I added, “Traci is doing fine. Your daughter
is growing like a weed.”

He laughed. “Good comparison.”

I wanted to shake my brother. “She’s a good kid. You’re a
lucky man.”

“I’ve got to go. Hope you’re having as much fun as I am.”

“Yeah, it’s a riot being you,” I responded in a flat voice.

The idiot chuckled as though I gave him a compliment.

I stared at the dead phone, thinking about the questions
Brad should have asked. “By the way, did you fornicate with my wife? How was
she in bed? Did you get her off or is Ronni as cold with you as she is with me?”

I sighed and closed my eyes, desperately needing sleep.
I
aim at windmills here obsessing over Ronni’s and Brad’s sex life as husband and
wife, lamenting a bed I shouldn’t covet again, a wife who is not mine, and a
wedding ring that does not belong to me.

Only you’re not her husband!
Shut up, you bastard,
and quit thinking like that.
Maybe you should have taken Brandy up on
her offer if you needed sex so badly.

Only Brandy was not as taboo as Ronni. Brandy was not so
desirable.

What did Ronni have that made me want her so much, to the
point that it was painful, yet a joyous, awful ache between my legs? My heart
pounded painfully against my chest because I might hurt my brother’s feelings if
I continued to sleep with his wife.

Ah, now I get it. No wonder Ronni was so mad about the phone
sex call. She knows about Barbie.
Jesus, now I do not feel so guilty about
seducing Brad’s wife.

My only other defense was that I never lived with a woman,
so close and handy but forbidden, and devastatingly attractive.

JAYDEN

Ronni mumbled, “Good night, Brad,” and slept in my arms.

Good night, Brad?
I kissed her cheek as if my
gentleness would make my vile acts all better, such as climbing into her bed by
apologizing for all the bad things Brad ever did to her.

Why did sex have to be so damn good with my sister-in-law? I
could have picked up any number of willing women at a bar on Sixth Street or
elsewhere. I have lied so many times just to get a woman into bed. My biggest
fib lay
in bed beside me—
Good night, Brad.

Don’t let your bed lies bite you, Jayden.
I should
have corrected Ronni when she screamed out the name “Brad” when we were making
lo…having sex. I certainly could not inform her after the act when she said “Good
night, Brad,” that oh, by the way, my name is really Jayden and I’m your
brother-in-law. How would that be for an introduction?

I’m damned for sleeping with my brother’s wife, but she
really won’t get hurt
This was just sex between a husband and a wife.
Ronni won’t find out she really slept with her husband’s twin brother unless
Brad tells her.
 

I yawned
and squeezed my
eyes shut, trying to turn off my inner dialogue. Anyway, if Ronni ever found
out the truth, I would be long gone to Canada and she would have no way of
hunting me down.

In a minute, I would creep up the stairs to my brother’s
room, like a thief in the night.

***

 The sun streamed in though the bedroom window, caressing me
with its warmth.

I turned on my side to doze for a minute, my eyes still
groggy from sleep.

Ay!

I banged my head against the headboard.
What the fu…I slept
in Ronni’s bed! Naked!

Oh, crap, I had not wanted to wake up with my guilt lying
beside me and had hoped to make a quick exit back to Canada this morning.

About seven weeks of living in sin earned me a medal in hell
for sleeping with my brother’s wife.

Some religions in the world still stoned a woman to death
for adultery.

According to some Bible interpretations if a single man had
sex with a married woman, then he too committed adultery. On top of that,
having sex with my sister-in-law counted as incest because, according to the
Bible, sibling-in-law incest existed.

Would it help to get down on my knees and pray? Did God
ever
listen to sinners?

I could tell the devil my sister-in-law appeared unaffected
by me having tricked her into the sack these past weeks. Mm, Ronni was rather sexy
with her eyes closed and her mouth relaxed.

Okay, stop thinking about having intercourse again.

I gently moved the blanket off my chest in preparation of a
silent exit.

Ronni stirred, her eyelids fluttering.

I flung an arm over my face, pretending to be sleeping.

She quietly got out of bed. The bathroom door creaked open
and then closed.

I grabbed my clothes and ran.

The sun was just coming up when I drove quietly away.

I sipped on an iced coffee with the confidence that I would
not want Ronni again. Now I could get on with my life. She scratched my itch so
much last night, I felt like an open wound.

Quit feeling so bad! Sex, that’s all this masquerade was,
just sex between consenting adults. You wanted her. You won her. You screwed
her. Now Ronni is just like every other woman you’ve ever slept with.

Consenting adults? Right. Would Ronni have consented if she
knew who I really was? She would hate me if she ever found out.

I dared not look back and vowed to never return. I…I just could
not face her again.

***

In San Francisco while boarding a plane to Victoria, my cell
phone rang, probably Brad calling again to bitch about Barbie and threatening
to rip my guts out.

I punched the
Answer
button.
Her.
You know a woman
is special when you think of her as
her. Her. Her.

My heart stopped beating and the blood rushed from my face.
Ronni’s voice, sounding shy and young, was on the other end.

 “Brad?”

Her voice blew my breath away and I doubled over.
You should
not have called, Ronni.

“Brad? Are you there?”

I pushed my finger down on the cell phone and hung up.

I took a deep, shaky breath and walked towards the seat on
the plane.

I plopped down in first class, leaned back against the black
leather, and closed my eyes. My head hurt and my chest felt tight, remembering
her words, “I decided not to give up on us.”

Brad’s cell phone rang again and I swallowed, breathless.
Do
not pick up the phone. Make a clean break.

Note: There never was an us, dumb shit. Forget about your
sister-in-law.

After one more attempt, Ronni gave up.

“Enjoy the flight to San Francisco,” the flight attendant
said and sort of winked at my shoes.

My socks did not match. The socks belonged to Brad.

Who gave a rat’s ass about
anything
belonging to my
brother?

BRAD

There is a rainbow at the end of every sewer. Jayden told Barbie
that I have an STD, which can be advantageous. I bought a cane at an airport
gift shop and walk as if blind from gonorrhea. The cane and dark glasses is a nice
touch. I can board the plane early.

Despite the mean phone calls between us, I bump hard into
Jayden’s back at the San Francisco Airport, wrap my arms around his stomach,
and squeeze as if giving him a Heimlich maneuver so he can cough up his heart.

Jayden wiggles out of my embrace and holds his ribs like one
of them broke.

Whoa, his reaction is cold. Jayden is stiff in my arms. My
brother never really explained why he wanted to leave Austin. Jayden just said
he wanted to come home as if desperate to get away from Ronni. That bitch! What
did that hussy do to scare my brother away? Ronni can be a real shrew.

I place an arm around him and pinch his shoulder. “So how
did it go with you and my wife?”

“We managed to stay out of each other’s way,” he mumbles and
looks down at the floor.

“If Ronni did anything to piss you off...”

“She didn’t,” he screeches. Jayden avoids my eyes. “Just do
me a favor and don’t tell her about our trading places.”

“I must apologize for my wife. I know what a harpy she can
be.”

Jayden opens his mouth and then clamps his lips shut. He shakes
my hand as if we just completed a business deal.

I slap him on the back, wishing him God speed on his
journey.

We exchange wallets, keys, cell phones, etc.

Jayden spins on his heel and walks towards his gate.

“Hey, Jayden!”

He spins around.

“Thanks, dud, for the experience of a lifetime.” Ha, he
thought I said, dude. “Let’s keep in touch.”

Jayden simply waves back.

I give my brother a final wave of dismissal though his back
is to me. No one gets the last word but Brad O’Boyle.

 I swagger towards the gate.

Holy crap! Quit walking like a peacock!
I forgot that
gonorrhea was supposed to have blinded me. My brother did not even ask me about
the cane. For all he knows, I may have broken my hip on his
Andy Warhol
rug—a frickin’ giant can of Campbell’s tomato soup on a shopping bag sprinkled
with coke powder. I had a going away party last night at Jayden’s though no one
but me knew I was leaving. I did not bother to vacuum the rug. Jayden could use
a snort of cocaine in his life. He is too intense.

I wrap the sunglasses around my eyes and shake my head, looking
cool like a
Blues Brother
, the thin handsome one, not the slob.

I tap the cane towards the gate, humming
Stand by Your
Man
.

“Blind man coming through. Make way. Make way.”

The sea of passengers part for me as if I am really
somebody.

I knock a little kid out of the front of the
Board First
line.
Hey, a blind man can get away with anything, crybaby! Now, Dr. Brad O’Boyle is first
in line, head of the class.

I announce to the rest of the passengers. “I’m a doctor so
if anyone gets sick aboard the plane I can still operate, though blind from
birth.”

Geez, no one on this flight has a sense of humor.

I push my rump onto a first-class seat and cannot stop
laughing at the thought of Jayden and Ronni living together for nearly eight
weeks.

I had really sort of hoped Ronni would annoy Jayden so much
that he would kill my wife.