Disclosures - SF4 (3 page)

Sadness laced with regret clouded the eyes that Jamie loved, and her heart clenched in shame. "That’s no excuse, Ryan. It’s unfair of me to assume that you’ve slept with every woman you know by name. Besides, even if you have, what difference does it make?" She sat up and tried to order her thoughts before speaking. Ryan was looking at her with a curious gaze, but she didn’t comment. "It just doesn’t matter, Baby," she finally decided, and as she said the words, she knew them to be true. "All that matters is that we love each other now…and that we’re faithful to each other now. The past is past."

Ryan sat upright, her shoulder brushing against Jamie’s as she did so. "I just wish…" she began in a soft voice, but Jamie placed her fingers against her lips, effectively silencing her regret.

"I wished for a wonderful mate, and I got one. That’s all that matters, Honey…really." Ryan still looked a little down, and Jamie made another try. "Look, Babe, when we were in Pebble Beach you told me that I shouldn’t regret having had Jack in my life. You said that loving him made me open to loving you. I think you were right about that, Baby. But you’ve got to know that the same thing holds true for you."

Ryan shot her a quizzical gaze, still not speaking, but obviously waiting to be reassured.

"You are the woman…and the lover… that you are because of the experiences you’ve had." Jamie’s voice had grown soft, and there was a hint of seduction in it. She lifted her hand and started to trace her finger around the outlines of Ryan’s leather vest, turning the hint into a definite overture. "I know you’re a very creative woman, but I bet you learned a lot from the women you’ve been with." Jamie’s breath was floating across Ryan’s skin like a warm breeze, and the dark woman shuddered from the sensation. "I owe those women a debt of gratitude," she whispered. "Especially the one who taught you to do this…"

Forcing her surprised lover onto her back, Jamie illustrated one of Ryan’s favorite moves, performing a credible rendition of the fluttering tongue movement her lover had perfected through her years of experience. Ryan let out a low groan as the gentle assault continued, finding herself powerless under her partner’s relentlessly probing tongue.

Coming up for air, Jamie panted out, "This is the longest we’ve gone without making love all week. I…I don’t know if I can control myself."

Ryan gazed up at her and stated the obvious. "We don’t have to wait, Baby. We’re among friends."

Her waggling eyebrow made clear just what she was suggesting, but Jamie found her head rapidly shaking. "You mean…here?!"

The seductive grin on Ryan’s flushed face indicated that was exactly what she meant. "I’ve done worse."

Small fingers paused at the tab of the zipper that held the objects of Jamie’s desire captive. A very large part of her wanted to yank that zipper down and let all of that creamy flesh spill out of the leather and into her waiting hands. But another part of her didn’t want to share their intimacy with anyone, much less the dozens of women on the plateau that would have ringside seats. Ryan wasn’t pushing—she had merely stated an option—but Jamie decided that she didn’t want to have public sex with her partner—today or ever.

"I don’t want to," she said in a quiet voice. "I mean…I want to…really, really badly. But not here…not now."

Ryan wrapped her in a gentle embrace and whispered into her ear, "I’m glad. I didn’t want to either."

Jamie’s head shot up as she tried to focus on her too-close partner. "What? Then why did you…"

"I was just laying out the options, Babe. I’ve done that type of thing before, and if you wanted to, I wouldn’t have objected." A gentle smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she gazed at Jamie and softly stroked her face. "But it’s not what I want…for us. Sex can be public—but making love is private. And we make love," she declared softly, kissing Jamie with a tender passion that made her body go limp.

Pulling away several minutes later, Ryan teased, "Hey, where did your muscles go?" She grasped a nearby hand, picked it up, and chuckled when it fell to the ground as she released it.

"My muscles wanna have sex," the smaller woman moaned. "The message from my brain has been completely ignored by the rest of my body."

"Poor body," Ryan crooned, running her warm hands down the sensitive flesh. She leaned over and placed gentle kisses on every part she could reach, murmuring, "Don’t worry, body, you’ll be taken care of as soon as we get home."

"Promise?" Glittering, desire-filled eyes begged.

"Promise," Ryan vowed, bending to kiss Jamie’s lips one last time. "I think I can satisfy your body and your mind." Her flashing blue eyes made Jamie believe every word, and she was able to relax and settle into a long, leisurely, loving hug.

It was close to eight when the last band finished. A long string of announcements called the group to some semblance of order, and the energy started to pick up. "Let’s walk around a little bit," Ryan suggested.

They stopped to make sure that Ryan’s friends from the gym were awake enough to look out for themselves and then made their way down the hill. "Look, Honey," Jamie enthused when they went past the large playground in the corner of the park.

"That’ll be us in a few years," Ryan laughed as she came up behind her partner and clasped her hands around her in a loose embrace. They both smiled at the scene as they watched women play with their young children on the various pieces of equipment. Several couples had babies in strollers or packs and, as Jamie expected, Ryan was drawn to them like a bee to honey. When they got close, Ryan pointed out a pair of women playing with a young boy on the swings. "Hey, that’s Stacy and Melinda from the AIDS Ride." They dashed over and greeted the couple enthusiastically.

"Stacy, Melinda, how are you?" Ryan cried, wrapping each woman in a warm embrace. Jamie offered an equally friendly, but slightly less demonstrative welcome, smiling as her partner dropped to the sand to greet Jared, the adorable little six-year-old who was trying to touch the sky with each push of the swing.

"That’s high enough, Jared," Melinda said, afraid that his small body would slide out of the seat if he went much higher.

A devilish look came over Ryan’s features as she looked up at the mothers and asked, "Mind if I give him a little excitement?"

"Uhh…I guess not…umm…" Stacy hesitated.

"She’s careful with others," Jamie assured them. "She’s only really wild when she’s on her own."

"Okay," Melinda decided. "Go for it."

"Hey, Jared," Ryan said in her most conspiratorial tone. "Wanna make your mamas’ eyes bug out?"

The small boy nodded an enthusiastic yes, even though he looked a little hesitant to align his fortunes with this tall stranger. Ryan lifted him as she sat in the canvas sling, then placed him on her lap, facing her. "Okay, pal, hold on tight," she advised as she began to pump her powerful legs. In seconds they were going higher than Jamie had ever seen a human go on a swing. Three sets of eyes stared in shock as both Ryan and Jared threw their heads back and laughed hysterically. The little boy held on as tight as his thin arms would allow, but Ryan had taken the extra precaution of wrapping her arms around the chains and then securely locking her hands around his back.

"Mama! Mommy! Look!" he cried, reassuring himself that his parents were sharing in his joy.

Both women smiled and waved at the wildly laughing boy, with Stacy saying to Jamie, "Would this be a good time to tell her he sometimes gets sick to his stomach on the swing?"

"Nah," Jamie decided, unwilling to take one moment of joy from her partner. "She’s got on leather—I’ll just hose her down."

"Did you have a good time, little girl?" the small blonde asked her tall companion when they departed the playground.

"Yep." Ryan was beaming from ear to ear, a look of such satisfaction on her face that Jamie nearly cried. "You go lots faster if you swing with a buddy. You spur each other on." Wiggling eyebrows showed that Ryan thought this maxim could apply to other situations also, and Jamie was beginning to wish they were at home to explore some of them. But the remarkable sights that they continued to observe made her glad they had decided to stay.

Not the least of her pleasure came from the wide variety of friends and ex-lovers that Ryan introduced her to. It was very reassuring to Jamie that very few of the exes seemed to show anything but fond feelings for her partner.

After the AIDS Ride, she had been a little concerned that running into former lovers would be a constant strain, with woman after woman trying to give them a hard time or even trying to cause trouble in their relationship. But this group seemed to be on exactly the same wavelength as Ryan had been during her dating days. They seemed to be very open-minded about their sexual experiences. In fact, they seemed to be experimenting with their sexuality—trying to get and give pleasure without any major emotional commitment. Jamie knew that lifestyle would never work for her, but it had seemed to work for Ryan, and she was glad that these women were able to play the game in the same way, if that met their needs.

They were heading back towards the stage when a hand snaked out from the crowd and landed on Ryan’s shoulder. "Piernuda!" called a honey-toned, lightly-accented voice.

"Alisa!" Ryan cried, looking genuinely happy to see her former lover. They embraced, holding on for a moment longer than Jamie would have preferred, but she was beginning to get accustomed to Ryan’s near-constant hugging and kissing of practically every woman they ran into. "How’ve you been?"

"Good, I am good,
cariño
." Alisa released Ryan and turned her head to Jamie. "Introduce me to your love, Ryan."

Jamie had seen this self-confident woman on the mountain bike ride up on Mt. Tam. They hadn’t spoken that day, so her memory was vague, but seeing her again, Jamie had to admit that she would never forget her face. The strong, angular features would not be described as traditionally beautiful, but on Alisa, the strong features blended with her near-black eyes to create a face that was truly mesmerizing. As Alisa extended a hand, Jamie had to admit that she was happy she would never have to face her in a trial. There was something almost regal in the woman’s bearing—some indescribable elegance in her carriage that made Jamie feel small and awkward and immature. "I am Alisa Guerra," she supplied before Ryan could do the honors.

Jamie grasped her cool, strong hand and nearly curtsied. It took her a second, but she got out, "Jamie Evans," even managing to add a weak smile.

Ryan was at her side, slipping an arm around Jamie’s waist while she beamed at both women. "I’ve never seen you look so happy, Querida," Alisa said, looking at Ryan fondly. "You seem…at peace."

"Thanks for saying that," Ryan smiled. "I am at peace. I’m calmer and more relaxed than I’ve ever been in my life."

Jamie looked up at her with wide-eyed astonishment. "What were you like before?!" she gasped, causing both Ryan and Alisa to break out in exuberant laughter.

"Don’t ask!" both women supplied nearly simultaneously.

There was something about the way the Alisa looked at Ryan that made Jamie feel like she was intruding. She decided to give them a little time alone, so she excused herself to go wait in the long line for the restroom.

"Are you sure you want to go alone?" Ryan asked with concern.

"Positive. You two stay here and chat. I’ll come back for you."

"Okay, Hon," Ryan agreed, lowering her long frame to a comfortable spot on the ground. "I’ll stay right here."

Jamie struggled through the crowd to get in the slow-moving line. Nearly everyone she saw wore some type of sticker or slogan somewhere on their bodies.
I wouldn’t say most of these things to Ryan, and I DO most of them with her!
She was truly amazed at the number of women who paraded around on the streets of the city proclaiming, "Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets," "orgasm addict," "got lube?" "pro choice/pro pussy," or the thoughtful, "breakfast included." Nevertheless, her favorite had to be the T-shirt that begged, "Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians."
Now that’s one thing I’d like to try
, she smirked.
But there’s only one chocolate-loving lesbian I’d like to be thrown to!

Standing in the line, Jamie mused about the crowd and the event.
I never would have believed this, but I feel pretty comfortable in this crowd. I’m not sure what it is….but I feel like…myself.
An idea struck her and she thought about it for a moment, trying it on for size.
That’s it!
she thought with excitement.
These women aren’t judging me!
As she looked around at the women surrounding her, she considered her thought.
I don’t feel like I’m on display! They think I’m gay and that should make me fair game, but I don’t feel like they’re looking at me the way that six thousand young straight guys would!

Aside from the lack of sexual vibes I’m getting, I’ve gotta admit it’s weird to be with this many women and not feel like they’re assessing what I’m wearing or how my hair looks. This is really odd, but it feels very freeing!

With a start she recognized that this was one of the things she most loved about being with Ryan—right from the very start. They never—not once—spent any time analyzing anyone else. She blushed at the thought of how many times she and Cassie had sat on the Sproul steps and critiqued people as they passed through the gates of the campus. She had thought that was what everyone did, until she began to spend time with Ryan. But Ryan was so self-assured that it would never occur to her to spend her time comparing herself to others. In a way, that behavior was beneath the confident woman, and for that Jamie was truly grateful.