Diary of an Expat in Singapore (42 page)

This is what Singapore looks like today. And it smells like a bonfire out there – minus the marshmallows. Hazing season has begun (to not be confused with first-year initiation rites at a fraternity), and it’s not pretty. When expats are booking tickets to Hong Kong to get some fresh air, you know things are bleak.

Indonesia voted Least Popular Neighbour.

Illegal fires (the so-called slash-and-burn technique used on farms to make room for new crops) from the neighbouring Indonesian island of Sumatra are causing the thick smoke. Tensions are high. Requests for beef rendang have plummeted. In America they say: “Don’t mess with Texas.” In Southeast Asia, it’s: “Don’t mess with Indonesia.” Size matters.

Outside looks like the film set of ‘Apocalypse Now’.

Francis Ford Coppola would have killed to have a natural setting like this for his masterpiece ‘Apocalypse Now’. And this was probably what Kurtz from Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’ had in mind when he murmured: “The horror, the horror!” – certainly not the beautiful green gardens of the Raffles Hotel, where the author liked to sojourn while in Singapore.

No problem getting a taxi.

There is always a silver lining. I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I did say I missed the fog in Verona… be careful what you wish for.

Children are encouraged to stay indoors and play video games.

The haze, and debilitating air, have prompted the Singapore government to issue a warning for children and the elderly to stay indoors. Kids finally have the justification they needed to spend hours on Minecraft. The elderly just think they’ve misplaced their glasses.

All picnic items are on sale.

Haze has pushed its way to the top as best reason to
not
rush out and have an open-air picnic. (Humidity and rainstorms, suddenly outranked, are both feeling dejected and have vowed revenge.)

The PSI (Pollutant Standards Index) is followed more closely than the Nikkei index.

A PSI over 100 is unhealthy. Yesterday it hit 401 – highest ever recorded in Singapore. Forget the usual pleasantries, expats now greet each other with wild eyes and urgent updates: “What’s the latest PSI?”

Somewhere in Sumatra, there is a farmer without internet saying: “I think we’re getting away with this”…

Eat a durian.

So it has a pungent smell… don’t be a sissy, eat a durian. You are not required to do military service, the least you could do is try the national fruit. You won’t regret it. There’s a reason people say durian smells like hell but tastes like heaven.

Have ice cream in bread.

You know you want to. And after you do, you’ll wonder how you were satisfied all these years with sugary waffle cones. Ice cream in bread… does it come with ciabatta?

Drink coffee from a bag.

For the first few months in Singapore, you wonder why so many people are carrying around coloured fluid in transparent bags. The kind usually hanging from an IV pole. Were they just discharged from the hospital? Nope, it’s just coffee in a bag. I wonder how a Frappuccino would taste from a bag?

Order laksa for breakfast.

Forget coffee and muffins, have a nice, hot bowl of laksa instead. Or if you want to be truly hardcore, order fishball soup. Because nothing says breakfast like fishball soup. So what if it’s 10 am? Eat like a Singaporean. Look how skinny they are… that should be incentive enough.