Diary of an Expat in Singapore (35 page)

Singapore has the highest number of luxury fast cars. This presents a hazard to pedestrians as cars try re-enacting Formula One. Singapore has a city circuit like Monte Carlo and is the only one in the world that runs at night. To the delight of pedestrians going out for an evening stroll. Tip: Walk fast at traffic light crossings.

The air con bills would be outrageous.

Electricity bills can be ridiculous in Singapore… especially if you keep the air con on all the time. If you’re one of those expats who likes drying clothes in the dryer (rather than on a clothes line or pole), then you’re in for a major shock when your bill comes. There are some expats who like keeping the bedroom as cold as a meat locker, with windows frosted over. At night, they sleep in long-sleeved pyjamas under heavy duvets as though they were in a Swiss chalet rather than tropical Singapore. Why not fly to Iceland? It’s bound to be cheaper.

In all fairness, my toddler once had a heat rash during an exceptionally hot summer in Italy. Nothing would work to get rid of it, not even the cortisone cream prescribed by the doctor. But after the 12-hour flight on an air-conditioned plane back to Singapore, the rash completely disappeared. I had never before thought about the therapeutic benefits of air con. So, if your child has a diaper rash, forget needlessly expensive and potentially harmful skin creams. Just have the child run around a Singaporean airplane for a few hours without a diaper… the passengers will love you.

The kitchen would have a Nespresso machine.

There are usually two kitchens in Singapore houses: a normal one and a wet one. The normal one has all the ritzy appliances, while the so-called
wet
one is where the fish-frying and meat-grilling is done. In other words, all the smells are there. Your cat will love it, you less so. Dishwashers are optional since usually the domestic help is in charge of washing up. The maid’s room is usually tiny and the real estate agent might offer the following advice if she sees you looking perplexed at how small it is: “No problem, just pick a short maid.” Occasionally, that room doubles up as a bomb shelter. So be nice to your helper, not just because it’s the right thing to do, but so she doesn’t lock you out during a bomb raid.

Lady Edith Crawley would have her hair rebonded.

To the amateur Western eye, it might seem that all Asian hair is straight. Wrong. There are various degrees of straightness and chemical treatments are as straight as you can get in the hair-straightening market. One tiny problem: they contain a highly noxious ingredient that goes by the name of formaldehyde, which is banned in most countries. Most expats are ambivalent, shifting from “There is no way I want that in my hair” to “How bad can a little formaldehyde be?” After all, smoking isn’t banned on condo balconies. Who doesn’t like sitting outside with a glass of wine, listening to music, and inhaling some second-hand smoke? Let’s be honest, if second-hand smoke at least guaranteed something useful, like straight hair and hot dates, more people would embrace it.

Anna and Mr Bates would apply for an HDB flat.

HDB (Housing and Development Board) is the board that manages public housing in Singapore. If you consider that 85% of Singaporeans live in HDB flats located in housing estates… that’s a lot of HDB flats. These self-contained satellite towns provide affordable housing for the masses. But as a taxi driver explained to me, not everybody can apply to buy government housing. For example, if you’re unmarried, without children or aging parents living with you, forget about it. You could always try and rent some kids and old folks for the interview but it’s still a long shot.

There would be chili crab for dinner.

Forget the Sunday roast with potatoes, ragout sauce, or large pot of Irish stew boiling away for hours on the stove (dishes traditionally made with the dual purpose of nourishment and heating the house). In Singapore it is easier (and cheaper) to just pop down to the food court. Peranakan, Chinese, Malay? And, you won’t mess up the kitchen, neither the normal nor the wet one.

The maids would have handphones.

A uniquely Singaporean mystery is how domestic workers manage to have not only better phones than the rest of the population but better phone plans as well. They must be working for SingTel. This is the only possible explanation for the amount of time cleaners spend talking on the phone. Don’t bother listening in: it’s either Tagalog (Filipino) or Bahasa (Indonesian).

There would be no durian allowed upstairs.

Ahh, the smell of freshly opened durian… there is nothing like it. It’s hard to describe. Let’s just say, if durian really is the fruit of the gods, one wonders if these are gods with or without olfactory capacity. This king of fruits with a thorn-covered husk has a strong odour described in Wikipedia as that of rotten onions, gym socks, or raw sewage. Though the taste is reputed to be divine and can be found flavouring anything from macarons to moon-cakes, the actual smell can empty a room faster than a fire alarm. Fire brigades take note.

Lord Grantham would not hire any more foreign talent.

One of the reasons Singapore is so appealing to foreign entrepreneurs is the favourable tax scheme. One of the reasons foreigners are not so attractive to Singaporeans is there are so many of them. As a result of a recent study on population, the government has set out a roadmap for Singapore’s demographic challenges. There is an actual board overseeing this called the National Population and Talent Division (to not be confused with ‘Britain’s Got Talent’).

You’re smiling.