Diary of an Expat in Singapore (31 page)

The canteen has its own tandoori oven.

Forget the new classmates hailing from all over the world, the science labs, the art studios; what your kids will mostly rave about on the first day of school is the amazing Indian food served at the canteen. Their awe and appreciation of the naan and butter chicken will leave you thinking you should have just sent them to a cafe in Little India for their schooling. It would have been cheaper. You eagerly await the first parent-teacher conference, hoping it coincides with lunch. And when you are invited to give a writing workshop, it’s not so much the students you are looking forward to, it’s the food.

Starbucks

The expat loves Starbucks. He clings to it like a buoy in rough waters. It doesn’t matter if one coffee costs as much as an entire meal at a food court. Not all expats appreciate their local kopitiam, even though coffee there costs a fraction of that from Starbucks. To be fair, the Carnation milk they add from a tin isn’t doing it any favours.

Chinese tutors

The expat will sell his soul for a Chinese tutor. So, in a way, the Chinese tutor is a currency more valuable than gold. If an expat parent finds a good tutor, you will not hear about it. In fact, he may profess sudden amnesia when asked for the phone number. In a country with so many Chinese, private lessons in Mandarin are surprisingly expensive and difficult to come by. There is no such thing as sharing when it comes to Mandarin… expats are ruthless. They are more likely to share a holiday rental. There are even frauds passing themselves off as tutors on expat discussion boards. Frankly, I can think of easier things to fake than Chinese.

Forcing the kids to speak Mandarin to taxi drivers

Once the tutor has been secured, the next logical step is forcing one’s kids to speak to the taxi driver. For those expats who live in a sort of condo-school-mall enclave, taxi drivers may be their only contact with the outside world. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I can think of many others, just give me a minute… the plumber, the pizza guy, pest control. But certainly, taxi drivers are the most consistent and loquacious. The fact that the driver speaks Hokkien, and has no interest in whether your son speaks Mandarin, is not the point. What’s important is that this is a relatively easy and cheap way to gauge your child’s level in Chinese. If the kid is barely understanding
Ni hao ma
, it is time to change tutors.

Comparing beaches in Malaysia to those in Thailand

They’re all beaches. Wrong. At every expat gathering there will be an unofficial Asian Beach Expert. Some guy who has been everywhere, first as a backpacker staying at hostels and later as a guest at five-star resorts. And yes, he’s seen ‘The Beach’. Twice. He even knows that it was filmed on a different island from the one mentioned in the book. The Asian Beach Expert will usually initiate the debate on whether beaches in Malaysia are better than those in Thailand. Showing one’s expertise on this topic is, of course, a subtle way of illustrating one’s travel superiority: “You haven’t been to Redang? The scuba diving is divine. Krabi? Can be touristy.” An Italian would never think of turning to another Italian and claiming: “Why are you just hanging out at this cafe? You should be spending your weekend in Liechtenstein instead. What? You haven’t been to Poland? That’s just wrong.”

No doubt one of the biggest advantages of living in Singapore is its proximity to so many amazing places. However, expats can take almost too literally the image of Singapore as a stepping stone to the rest of Asia; they end up spending all their money and time away. Not for me the long lines at customs, the petty bribes at immigration, the nausea-inducing ferries, I choose sitting at an outdoor cafe in Singapore, drinking coffee and reading the weekend edition of the Financial Times.

Organic food

Never mind it costs triple the price of non-organic food, expats want it. Lots of it. Ridiculously over-priced carrots? Not in my cart. In fact, I managed to avoid it, until a neighbour let me taste some corn one day. “Why is it so good?” I asked. “It’s organic.” Damn her.

Buying Cheerios in bulk

Singaporean kids eat porridge for breakfast. Expat kids eat breakfast cereal, even though it’s outrageously expensive here. I have a dear friend who moved to Bangalore, but comes back to visit every few months. She says it’s because she misses Singapore and needs a break from India, but I think it’s because she wants to stock up on Cheerios. I’ve seen her grocery cart. Who am I to judge? Cheerios is one of the reasons I need to get home delivery from the supermarket (and a part-time job). Besides cars, I’d say the cost of Cheerios is as good an index as any for how expensive life in Singapore will be.

Travelling to Bhutan

Being the perfect expat entails travelling to exotic locations. Anybody can go to Thailand or Malaysia. It needs to be more far-flung than that. The more far-flung the place, the more respect the expat will get. Bhutan… hard to get to and expensive? A perfect choice.

Describing yak butter eaten in Nepal