Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (40 page)

Twenty-Four

F
RIDAY
morning dawned cheerful and sunny as it had in New Orleans all week, as if reflecting the way I’d woken each day in Brian’s arms, naked and happy. The happiness started to dim as I remembered that my cage would soon close around me again. I only had one more night in Brian’s arms, and then it was back to California, back to prison. My life had been nothing but prisons since my parents had dragged me away from Brian. It seemed that each one had gotten progressively worse. The center was no picnic, but I’d been safe there—physically, anyway.

“Hey,” Brian said quietly as he stroked my chest. I loved the feeling of him spooned around me, and his lips grazed the back of my neck. “You got tense all of a sudden. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… I was thinking about how free I feel with you and it reminded me that I haven’t been free for a long time. From my parents sticking me in the center, to Steven,” I explained and rolled to face him.

“What was it like there?” he asked as he readjusted his arms around me. We lay face-to-face, as we had so many nights before when we’d talk until dawn. I thought about his question, not sure where to start.

“I don’t know. I guess compared to where I am now, it was a picnic. We had food and shelter with no one hitting us, but….” I didn’t know how to explain how being in that place sucked the soul out of you. “They kept trying to take away the only thing in my life that meant anything to me. Day after day, they needled at me. They told me that I was hurting God, that men were supposed to be with women, that my father must have done something wrong. When the only thing my father had ever done wrong to that point was imprison me there. They made me go to these classes where everything from history to math dealt with the Bible. I thought at least I could use them to get my diploma, but I didn’t. In June when everyone else graduated, they said if I finished the program I could get it. By August, I knew they were holding it over my head, and I was done. I felt like anything would be better than being trapped there.”

“Mike and I went there soon after I got to San Diego to see if we could find out where you went,” Brian said quietly. “The place depressed me, and I was only there for about fifteen minutes before men in suits came to throw us out. The kid we talked to told us about the food-delivery truck.” Brian smiled and kissed me gently. “He knew my name and said that you used to talk about me.”

“You must have met Kevin,” I said, remembering the friend I’d left behind. I told him he should come with me, but after I ended up on the street, I was glad he hadn’t. “He was the only person inside that building that I could really be myself with. Poor guy, he’s probably still there because he was terrified of his parents.”

“No, he isn’t.” Brian’s face turned up into a triumphant smile. “While we were there, Mike gave him Leo’s card for the gay and lesbian center. It took him a while, but about a month ago, he called and Leo helped find a place for him. Last I heard, he was working two jobs to save up money for college.”

“I’m glad. He helped me keep my sanity for nearly a year. I wish I’d have known about Leo when I got out,” I said wistfully.

“Me too. It would have saved me a hell of a lot of searching,” Brian said and kissed my forehead.

The impending separation from Brian weighed on my heart as I showered and got ready for the day. Brian had already gone downstairs so he could get through his shoot. I would be shooting that afternoon with Brandon, which meant Mike, Alex, and Brian would be hanging out in the afternoon by the pool waiting for me. I couldn’t wait to get through with today so we could spend the rest of our time together.

After throwing my room key into my pocket, I went down to the courtyard where Mike, Brian, and Emilio were scheduled to film a threesome scene. I wanted to see if I could hang out with Brian for a few minutes before the scene began, but I didn’t have any strong desire to see Brian and Mike screwing around together. I decided to try to convince Alex to hang out by the pool with me until they were finished. Alex still hadn’t really left Mike’s side, which made me wonder how successful I would be at getting him away from the set.

Sneaking around the big white screens the hotel had put up for privacy, I saw I was too late, and they’d already started. Brian and Emilio were kissing on a lounge chair while Mike sucked Emilio off. All three of them were naked, and it looked like they were pretty well into the scene. With a sigh, I looked around for Alex and finally spotted him on the other side of the courtyard. As quietly as I could, I moved around behind the cameras to stand beside Alex.

“God… deeper, baby… just like always… love you in me.”

My heart stopped at his words. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew Mike and Brian were lovers. I had no idea that they included Emilio, or that it was still going on. Banging guys on camera was bad enough, but I could at least understand that because he had to pay the rent. But for him to go home after we’d spent an afternoon sharing secrets just to put his cock into someone else, it felt like the whole week I’d spent with Brian was a lie. God, the whole last few months of him telling me that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, was a lie. A small voice somewhere in my head reminded me that Brian and I didn’t have a future, that I wanted him to get on with his life. I ignored it. Righteous indignation felt better than logic, and my heart lay shattered in my chest.

“Jamie, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, his voice full of panic. I could feel the horrified expression on my face but could do nothing to stop it.

That night, Brian would come back to the room like nothing had happened. He would expect me to sleep with him, make love with him, hold him and be with him until our flights left tomorrow. I couldn’t stand that. I didn’t want to look at him.

“I need you to switch back with Brian, right now,” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him from the set. Alex pulled on my hand, trying to get loose, but I held firm and didn’t stop until we reached the elevators that would take us to the eighth floor. Despite his feeble protests, I marched him along beside me. I held everything together until the elevator doors closed, but then I had to put my head between my knees and try to think.

“What is going on?” Alex asked, putting a hand on my back and leaning down until he could look into my face.

“Brian is sleeping with Mike and Emilio,” I said, trying to breathe deeply so the tears wouldn’t come. I’d be damned if I’d cry over it, especially in front of Alex, who had seen me at my worst so many times.

“I know that. I was just down there,” he answered calmly, and I was sure he thought I’d lost my mind by the curious inflection in his voice. I stood up, determined to keep my back straight.

“No, I mean when they’re at home, Alex. Brian does Mike and Emilio all the time at home. It hurts so much. He said he wanted to be with me. We made love all week, and he’s… he’s sleeping with someone else.”

“He has sex other people all the time, baby. That’s his job,” Alex tried to reason, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“This is different, and you goddamn well know it. He has to work to pay the rent. I hate it, but I can live with that. This shit with Mike and Emilio, he… he wants to be with them.”

“Jamie, I don’t know—”

“Please, I know you want to stay with Mike, but I’m begging you. Please switch so I don’t have to sleep with him tonight. Please,” I pleaded.

His face softened, and he wrapped his arms around me. “Okay, baby. What do you want to do?” I hugged him as the elevator doors opened and explained as we walked up the hall.

It took me all of five minutes to throw Brian’s shit into his suitcase and carry it over to Mike’s room. Alex took a little longer to pack his stuff, almost as if he was stalling so I would have time to reconsider, but I wasn’t going to change my mind. After Alex’s things were in our room, I went down to the front desk and told them I’d lost my second key and asked them to issue new keys. Since Alex was the only other person listed on the room, Brian wouldn’t be able to get in. Finally, Alex sent Mike a text to tell him about the new sleeping arrangements. Once everything was settled, I left the hotel just to walk around the city with Alex before my afternoon shoot. I knew Brian would come up to the room or try to talk to me, and I didn’t want to deal with him. I steered us away from Frenchmen Street, where Brian and I had danced and held each other under the stars. Claiming he was starving, Alex stopped for a bagel and kept encouraging me to eat. The thought of food turned my stomach. When he finally gave up, we decided to kill a few hours shopping, because nothing made Alex happier than walking through street markets and little shops to find the oddities that filled his apartment.

Since the idea was just to stay away from the hotel and keep Alex happy, I hadn’t planned to buy anything until I saw a small chain hanging in one of the shops that I thought Steven would like. Subtle colors embedded into hammered silver gave it a classic, elegant look. Knowing that Steven would love not only the gift, but the fact that I had thought to get him something, I bought it. Alex looked at me with open curiosity, but I didn’t explain. He could think I’d bought it for myself. I didn’t need another argument with him about Steven.

After Alex had picked out a few odd items from a local voodoo shop that creeped me out a little, we headed back to the hotel with just minutes to spare before filming started. Mike and Brian stood near the cameras, obviously waiting for us, but I walked past them without a word. Alex went to Mike and took them away from where we were filming, no doubt to tell them what I’d heard. I didn’t care. I hoped he told them because, really, Mike owed Alex an explanation if he was sleeping with them both.

The scene went as well as I expected because my interest just wasn’t there. I was tired and upset, and I just wanted the goddamn week to be over. It took longer than normal for Brandon to get me off, but after a couple of hours, we were finally finished. I noticed that Mike and Brian hadn’t come back, and I was thankful. Unfortunately, it probably meant they were all in my room. So when Brandon finally climbed off me, I got dressed and took off by myself into the city.

I
WALKED
for hours, torturing myself with images of the last week. Sleeping with Brian, making love, walking through the zoo hand in hand, the look in Brian’s eyes as he told me he loved me, and finally, of course, Brian sliding into Emilio like he’d done it a hundred times before. Ducking into the bathroom of a claustrophobic shop, I finally let the tears come. My heart ached as I sobbed in the tiny one-stall bathroom. When I looked up from where I sat on the toilet, I saw a framed picture of a sandy beach with one set of footprints. The text printed on the picture talked about how there was only one set of footprints because Jesus carried the person through their troubles. I wondered if, rather than carrying me through the sand, maybe I’d been abandoned on the beach. It had been nearly four months since Steven had found me sobbing in that bathroom in San Diego, but no one showed up in that tiny New Orleans bathroom to help.

I really wanted some E, or maybe a little grass. New Orleans was supposed to be a town overflowing with decadence, so where were the damn dealers? I’d never scored on my own before. I’d always gotten my stuff from Steven. He probably wouldn’t have any trouble scoring in a strange city, but I didn’t have a clue where to start. On the streets in San Diego, there were dealers all over the place. George had warned me to stay away from them because most were mean bastards.

Walking for a long time, I looked down alleys and checked street corners to see if I could find someone. For a while, I even considered going to a club a couple of the guys had found. Clubs always had drugs. Standing on an empty street corner, I looked around and realized I was lost and rather surprised to find I didn’t care. I couldn’t remember the name of the club they’d talked about, and I probably couldn’t get in anyway. Nothing in my life ever worked in my favor.

I found a couple of hurricane drink carts that didn’t care if I wasn’t quite twenty-one so long as I had cash. As it happened, I dipped into my emergency money and found plenty of cash. As I drank, my mind started to go numb, and for the first time since I’d heard Emilio’s voice that morning, I felt at peace. Thoughts of Brian and Mike disappeared and thoughts of Steven disappeared; even the thoughts of drugs disappeared, and I felt empty and calm. After half a dozen of those smooth tropical drinks, my brain and my body started to shut down, and I sat down hard on the curb. I could just pass out here on the sidewalk, or maybe crawl into an alley, and no one would care. I set my empty cups on the ground, closed my eyes, and rested my head against the huge garbage can next to me. As my mind drifted, I thought it was fitting that I sat there with the rest of the garbage.

“Hey, kid,” a voice barked at me from somewhere really far away. I tried to open my eyes, but they were just too heavy. Then the building started to shake.

“What’s happening?” I asked, not registering the slur in my voice. The guy shook me again, and my consciousness slowly returned.