Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (18 page)

I felt better as we walked back down the hall after showering, in separate stalls despite Mike’s joking protest. He stopped me as I put my hand on my door.

“Hey, come back to my room for a few. I want to talk to you about something,” he said and pulled me down the hall.

As I sat down on the bed, he sat down next to me and got right to the point.

“Brian, why were you so upset when you woke up? Last night…. Well, last night you were so sad, talking about how alone you felt. You said that he left you and hasn’t even tried to find you like you’re trying to find him. It broke my heart, so I tried to give you what you needed. I know I was drunk too, but I thought it would make you happy,” Mike said, looking a little sheepish.

I sighed and looked out his small window, wondering how much I should tell him. “I was upset because I felt like I had betrayed Jamie. When he left, the one thing that he told me was never to forget that he loves me. I never have. Even in his letter when he told me to go on with my life, he still made sure to remind me that he loved me,” I explained, and looked back at Mike. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Aside from last night, which I don’t remember, I’ve only had sex once, and that was with Jamie. Making love for us was an expression of how we felt about each other. Now, I’ve taken that sacred thing that we did together and I’ve done it with someone else.”

Mike was shaking his head. “Sex and love don’t have anything to do with each other, kid,” he said, holding up a finger as I started to protest. “No, really. I mean, yes, people that are in love have sex, but it’s really just a physical release that we all do in one form or another. You said that you’d only had sex once, but you jack off, right?” Stunned, I looked at him, feeling the heat in my face as I started to blush from his question.

“Baby, there’s nothing wrong with yankin’ yer own chain. I do it when I’m tired and can’t sleep, or horny and don’t have anyone to mess around with. We all do it. There’s nothing shameful about it. When you have to sneeze, you sneeze. When you have to cough, you cough. It’s the same premise; it’s just something your body needs,” he reasoned. “As for sex, it’s really just giving your body what it needs and doing the same for someone else at the same time.” I looked at him in disbelief. “No, I mean, really. If you and a friend sit in the same room and jerk off together, maybe doing a little butt play while you do it, the only thing that stops it from being sex is proximity.” He looked rather proud of this argument, and I couldn’t help it; I started to laugh.

“I don’t know,” I said, catching my breath. “I just never saw myself doing that with someone other than Jamie.”

“You have to be realistic, Brian,” he said, suddenly serious. “There are, what, over a million people in San Diego? You’re looking for one. I don’t mean to be harsh, but the chance of you finding that one person is remote at best. What happens if you don’t find him? You’re never going to have sex again? Are you just going to keep your life on hold? It’s been, what, like two years? You need to live your life, baby.”

Deep in my heart, the heart that was breaking more every day that I didn’t find Jamie, I knew Mike was right. Jamie might not even be in California anymore, and there was a chance I would never find him. I’d already wasted one opportunity at life—going to college in Alabama. I had a great life here with a nice place to live, a job, and amazing friends who accepted and genuinely cared about me.

“I’m not going to give up looking for Jamie,” I told him gravely, “but I do have to start preparing for the possibility that I won’t… that I won’t find him. Everything in my life has been focused on him for the last two years. I think you’re right. Maybe I need to start focusing on me.”

“I think so too. Once you’ve been here a year and established residency, you could try to get a student loan or a scholarship and go to school. You could do anything,” Mike offered, and as I thought about it, lots of possibilities opened up to me for a life in San Diego. I would always continue to look for Jamie, but I could do other things too. The plan that I had come up with in my little bedroom back in Alabama had never dealt with the possibility that I wouldn’t find Jamie. Thinking back, I guess I figured I’d just go back home if things didn’t work out. Even though I missed Richard and Carolyn, going back to Alabama wasn’t something I wanted to do.

“That’s a great idea,” I told him, and he smiled before moving up on the bed so we were lying next to each other.

“Now, with conversation out of the way, let’s get back to this other thing.” He shifted his towel because it had bunched up underneath him, and it drew my attention to the fact that we were still sitting on his bed practically naked.

“What other thing?”

“Aside from the not-so-memorable night with me,” he said, rolling his eyes, and I blushed, “you’ve really only had sex one time?” His tone was incredulous, like it wasn’t possible that at eighteen I’d only had sex once. It made me feel somewhat inadequate, but I had only wanted it to be with Jamie.

“Yes,” I told him honestly. “Jamie and I had done other things, but we only had intercourse once. As for last night, I guess we really did….”

“Twice,” he replied with an arrogant smugness in his voice that almost made me smile. “So, you like to top or bottom better?”

“I don’t know if I like to be on top better. When… when we made love, Jamie was on top,” I admitted, feeling a little shy talking about sex.

“No, baby, not
be on top
, do you like
to top
?” he asked again, and I was kind of confused.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I told him, feeling my cheeks heat up even more.

“You know, top or bottom, give or receive, pitch or catch?” He was smirking at me, and I felt my lips pull into a smile in spite of my embarrassment.

“I’ve only ever… caught.”

He quirked one eyebrow up at me. “You pitched pretty well last night,” he informed me, and I couldn’t help it; I kind of giggled. To be honest, I was shocked that we were sitting here talking about having sex last night and I couldn’t remember it.

“I wish I could remember.” I sighed, pulling my towel a little higher around my waist, and contemplated going to my room to get dressed. Before I could move, Mike had pushed me back onto the pillows and was lying almost on top of me.

“I could show you,” he whispered. “I could show you things that would blow your mind.” He was starting to get hard under the towel against my hip as he leaned forward and ran the very tip of his tongue all along my ear. My body responded almost instantly, while it took my mind a few minutes to catch up.

If I agreed, I wouldn’t be able to blame it on the alcohol. If I said yes, I would have to take full responsibility.

I didn’t have the strength to say no when every hormone in my body was screaming “yes.” With what seemed like a huge effort, I pushed Jamie to the back of my mind and concentrated on the man on top of me. His lips traveled slowly and decisively over my neck. I knew we could always stop, but I found I loved the way his lips felt on my skin. The grip on my towel slackened, and I felt it slip as Mike slid his body down mine. Sweet, tender kisses peppered my shoulder as his fingers stroked my chest with touches so light I thought I might have imagined them. When he stroked harder, rubbing my nipple with an absent friction, I moaned, unable to stop myself. The hairs on the nape of my neck stood up with his answering throaty groan.

Pulling back just a little, he stared up at me, and I’d never seen anyone look at me with such raw lust. Jamie’s looks were always more about love than lust, and I liked that. With Mike, his face was just full of desire—desire for me. It gave me a real rush to know I turned him on like that. Throwing his towel onto the floor, he crawled back up, his eyes not leaving mine, and kissed me with such a driving need that I couldn’t help but wrap my legs around his waist to pull him closer. Gone were thoughts of right or wrong, loyalty or betrayal.

“Micah,” I whispered, my voice rough and needy. The end of his name came out in a long moan as he rubbed himself against me.

“I love how you say my name,” he whispered back between long, slow, deep kisses. Opening me up to him, he explored my mouth with determination, his thumb rubbing gently near my ear as he cupped my face. Our noses bumped in our urgency, and I wrapped my arms around him, stroking his bare back. Each time my lips parted under his, I felt a spark of need shoot through to my stomach. With my eyes closed, I concentrated on the smell of his woodsy body wash, the minty taste of his toothpaste, and the heat of his body as he moved sinuously against me. I felt his warm, ragged breaths amplified against my skin with each tiny pause between kisses.

When we both lay, sweaty and sated, Mike’s lips moved softly against my ear as he whispered, breathless and worn out, “Oh my God, kid.”

T
HAT
night Mike and I ordered out for pizza and hung out in his room. I didn’t really feel like listening to the other guys tease me, either for getting drunk or for sleeping with Mike. Even after an encore later in the afternoon, I still wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about what had happened. Mike tried to reassure me, reminding me that it was just sex, but it seemed wrong to have that kind of relationship with him while looking for Jamie at the same time. I didn’t think it was fair to either of them, but Mike told me I was overthinking things.

It was almost midnight when I went back into my own room to be alone for a while so I could think without his presence to influence me.

For almost eighteen months, I’d been searching for Jamie, and aside from one hastily scribbled letter on his way out of the rehab center, I had not heard anything from him. More than once, I’d considered the possibility that maybe he didn’t want to be found. Even though he was apparently on his own, he still hadn’t reached out to Richard or Carolyn.

More important than my search was my financial situation. In addition to the rent, I was spending money I didn’t really have on cabs to get to some of the shelters I couldn’t reach by bus. I’d also found out that in a house with eight guys, going grocery shopping like Carolyn had back home was pointless. Within the first week, I learned to get what I needed for that day, usually from the deli up the block on the way to or from work. Eating takeout for every meal had started to take a toll on my savings because even after my paycheck, I was still using the money I’d banked to make ends meet. After doing the math, I concluded that without another job, I wasn’t going to make it. Either I had to find a job making a couple hundred more than I made with Kenny, or I would have to use what I had left to buy a bus ticket back to Alabama. With only a high-school education and no marketable skills, the chances of finding something weren’t good.

Richard and Carolyn would tell me to get on a bus and go back to Alabama, but my life in California was so much more than it had been in Alabama. There were more reasons for me to stay than just looking for Jamie. I had friends. I had independence. I had more than I ever thought I could. Unless it meant being homeless and starving, I didn’t want to give that up.

Knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I logged in to Facebook to see if I had any messages.

I went through the list of new updates, surprised at the number of friends I had accumulated. That simple digital list made me feel like leaving California would be a mistake. It gave me the feeling that if I gave it up, I’d never have that chance of happiness or freedom again.

PING.

I looked down at the taskbar and saw that Adam was sending me an instant message. Our relationship had become somewhat strained over the last five months. The more time I spent with Mike and the guys, working, or at the shelters looking for Jamie, the less time I had to talk to him. As strong as our friendship had been before I left, it was starting to fade the longer we were apart.

[Adam]:
Hey! I’m surprised to see you.

[Brian]:
Hi. Yeah, we went out last night, and I was kind of hungover today. This was the first chance I’d had to check my page.

[Adam]:
You went out drinking?

[Brian]:
Yeah, I went with some of the guys from work. It wasn’t anything too serious; we just danced and had a few shots and stuff.

The chat window showed Adam was typing a response, but I didn’t want to listen to a lecture. I’m sure he had been to a few keg parties at school. I decided to change the subject.

[Brian]:
How’s school?

[Adam]:
School is okay. I wish I didn’t have to work part-time. It would make the classes easier. Of course, having you here to tutor me would help too. *smile*

[Brian]:
I wish I only had to work part-time. I’m working my ass off sunrise to sunset, and I still don’t think it’s going to be enough.

[Adam]:
What do you mean?

I hadn’t meant to type it. Adam couldn’t help me, and I didn’t want to worry him. Since I’d started, though, there was no way he would let the subject drop without an explanation.

[Brian]:
I’ve been doing landscape work in order to pay the rent, but it doesn’t cover everything and I have to pull from what I have saved. If I don’t find something soon, I may have to use what money I have left to go back to Alabama.

[Adam]:
You could reapply and come to school here!

[Brian]:
I like my life here. I don’t want to leave unless I have no other choice.

[Adam]:
You’ve only been there a few months!

[Brian]:
It’s amazing here. There is this whole community of gay people who take care of each other. I have a nice place and a job. I finally feel like I belong somewhere and I don’t want to leave.

[Adam]:
You’re really not coming back, are you?

[Brian]:
I’ll find a job. So, no, I don’t think I am.