Despicable Me (2 page)

“Hey, Gru,” replies Mr. McDade. “I just wanted to talk to you about your house.”

Still standing inside, Gru repeatedly pushes a button labeled
TRAP DOOR
, but it doesn’t seem to be working. The front porch shudders, but Mr. McDade remains standing.

Mr. McDade chuckles nervously. “Ooh, gotta fix that porch,” he says. Then he clears his throat and continues. “I just wanted to make sure you’d gotten the homeowners association
notice about the unapproved exterior color, and the, uh, overall creepiness.”

“Yes, I got it. It was wonderful,” replies Gru. Then he slams the door shut.

“All righty, then,” Mr. McDade says through the door. “Good seeing you, Gru.”

A few minutes later, just as Gru raises the muffin to his mouth for a bite, the doorbell rings. Again.

Gru storms to the door, ready to let his neighbor have it. “Come on, Fred. Get a life, man!”

Before he opens the door, he hears a little girl’s voice on the other side.

“Helloooo? Cookies for sale!”

Gru looks through the peephole and sees three little girls. They’re selling Miss Hattie’s Cookies—one of them carries a clipboard to write down orders.

“Go away,” Gru says through the door. “I’m not home.”

“Yes, you are,” says Margo, the tallest girl. “I heard you.”

“No, you didn’t…. This… is a recording,” pretends Gru.

Margo isn’t convinced. “No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is—watch this,” replies Gru. “Leave a message. BEEP.”

Margo and the other two girls, Edith and Agnes, turn to leave.

“Good-bye, recorded message!” Agnes calls, still standing at the door and clutching a stuffed unicorn.

“Agnes, come on,” says Margo.

Finally returning to the couch, Gru turns on the TV. But instead of his favorite television show, the screen flashes the words
INCOMING CALL
.

Dr. Nefario’s face fills the screen. The scientist works for Gru and is calling with some bad news.

“Gru, in spite of what happened today, to me you will always be one of the greats.”

Gru just looks at Dr. Nefario in confusion. He has no idea what’s going on.

“It’s all over the news,” Dr. Nefario explains. “Some guy just stole a pyramid!”

Gru attempts to process this information. Is this the end of his career? How could this happen? Then, the villain puts a determined look on his face. He’s not going down without a fight!

“Assemble the minions!”

—Gru

Gru shuts off the television and runs to a large steel chair shaped like a giant rhino. That’s right. A rhino. Horn and everything. He sits down and immediately presses a button on the remote control built into the rhino’s leg. He is pushed forward, and a cannon hanging from the ceiling rotates and faces him. The cannon comes down and surrounds Gru, forming an elevator that leads to an underground lab. He spots a minion—one of his workers—and barks, “Assemble the minions!”

The minions are small yellow creatures who wear blue overalls and goggles. Some have only one eye. They work hard for their hero and creator, Gru.

Gru can hardly contain his anger as he heads toward the lab’s center. In the massive steel lab there are numerous workstations. There’s a minion break room, a minion gym, and even a
minion water cooler. The minions have a whole world down there.

Passing it all by, Gru heads straight for the stage he has set up for his speeches. In a matter of minutes, all the minions have gathered. When Gru climbs up onstage, they can’t contain their excitement. Applause and whistles echo throughout the underground lab.

“Hello, everybody!” says Gru, a lone spotlight illuminating him.

The minions explode with more cheers and screams. It’s like a rock concert. “Gru! Gru!” they chant.

“Simmer down, simmer down,” Gru says.

Finally, the minions quiet down. Gru takes a deep breath and makes an announcement: “Now, I realize that you guys probably heard about this other villain who stole the pyramid. Apparently it’s a big deal. People are
calling it the Crime of the Century and stuff like that.”

Gru coughs and then continues. “But am I upset? No, I am not,” he says. He sighs and adds, “Well, a little.”

The minions look a bit sad.

Gru continues. “But we have had a pretty good year ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book.”

A roar of applause erupts from the minions. Then one raises his hand.

Gru looks right at him and shakes his head. “No, no raises. You’re not going to get any raises.”

The minion shrugs and puts his hand down. He figures it didn’t hurt to ask.

Attempting to boost morale, Gru shouts, “What did we do? Well, we stole the big screen from Times Square! Nice, huh? That’s how I
roll. Yeah, you all like watching football on that, huh?” He gestures to the giant screen that is hanging behind him.

“Wa-hoo!” shout the minions.

“But that’s not all,” continues Gru. He motions to his chief scientist, Dr. Nefario, a bald man with very large goggles and even larger ears. He wears a white lab coat and black rubber gloves.

“Thanks to the efforts of our very own Dr. Nefario,” says Gru, “we have located a Shrink Ray in a secret lab.”

The minions go crazy as the huge screen displays the Shrink Ray.

“Once we take this Shrink Ray, we will have the capability to pull off the true Crime of the Century. We are going to steal…”

The minions go wild, cheering and clapping.

“Wait, wait!” shouts Gru. “I haven’t told you
what it is yet!”
ZOOSH!
One minion shoots a rocket off into the air. “Hey, Dave,” Gru says, pointing to him. “Listen up, please.”

Gru clears his throat and presses a button. The platform he’s standing on begins to rise. “We are going to steal—
pause for effect
—the moon!” When his platform reaches its highest peak, he pushes another button, and a panel in the ceiling opens up, revealing the moon.

“And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back. I will be the greatest villain of all time. That’s what I’m talking about!”

RIIIIING!

Gru furrows his brow as he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. It’s Dr. Nefario calling from down below. “Yes?”

Dr. Nefario’s voice is very serious. “Gru, I’ve
been crunching some numbers, and I really don’t see how we can afford this.”

“Hey, chillax,” replies Gru. “Don’t poop on the party. I’m on this.”

Dr. Nefario hangs up, wondering just what Gru has in mind….

“We wouldn’t want
to spend the weekend
in the Box of Shame,
would we?”

—Miss Hattie

Meanwhile, in another part of town, the three little girls arrive home. Or at least it’s their home for now. Miss Hattie’s Home for Girls is the name of the orphanage where Margo, Edith, and Agnes live. They wish every day for a nice family to come and adopt each of them. They aren’t technically sisters, but they spend all their time together. Margo is the oldest, Agnes is the youngest, and Edith is the messiest.

“Hi, Miss Hattie. We’re back,” announce the girls, standing behind a yellow line on the floor.

“Hello, girls,” Miss Hattie says from behind her desk. She’s surrounded by photographs hanging on the wall. Each one shows the face of an orphan staying at Miss Hattie’s.

“Anybody come to adopt us while we were out?” Agnes asks, full of hope. She hooks a thumb through a strap of her overalls.

Miss Hattie cocks her head to one side. “Hmm. Let me think…. NO.”

Despite the bad news, Edith places a ball of mud on Miss Hattie’s desk as a gift.

“Edith! What did you put on my desk?!” exclaims Miss Hattie.

“A mud pie,” Edith answers proudly. The pink knit hat that she wears bobs in excitement.

Miss Hattie looks Edith right in the eyes. “You’re never going to get adopted, Edith. You know that, don’t you?”

Edith’s hat droops. “Yeah, I know,” Edith says with a shrug.

“Good,” replies Miss Hattie. She really isn’t that good with children. Switching the subject, Miss Hattie asks the girls how the cookie selling went. “Did we meet our quotas?”

“Sorta,” replies Margo. “We sold forty-three Minty Mints, thirty Choco Swirlies, and eighteen Coconutties.”

Miss Hattie is not pleased. She gets up from
her desk and paces the room. “You say that like it’s a great sale day.”

Margo looks at the other two girls.

“LOOK AT MY FACE!” bellows Miss Hattie. “Do you think it’s a great sale day?!”

Taking a deep breath, Miss Hattie tries to regain her composure. “Eighteen Coconutties… I think we can do a little better than that, don’t you? Yeah, we wouldn’t want to spend the weekend in the Box of Shame, would we?”

The three girls look at the turquoise tile floor. “No, Miss Hattie,” they say in unison.

“Good,” Miss Hattie says. “Off you go. Go clean something of mine.”

The girls shuffle off, passing by a cardboard box that has been labeled
BOX OF SHAME
with a marker. There is a small hole cut out on one side.

“Hi, Penny,” say the girls.

“Hi, guys,” replies Penny from inside the cardboard box.

That night, Margo, Agnes, and Edith kneel together in their tiny room, saying their prayers.

“… And please watch over us and bless us that we’ll have a good night’s sleep,” Margo says.

“… And bless that while we’re sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains,” adds Edith.

Margo shoots her a disapproving look. “Great. Thanks for that image.”

Agnes continues with the prayers. “… And please bless that someone will adopt us soon… and that the mommy and daddy will be nice… and have a pet unicorn. Amen.”

“Amen,” say Margo and Edith.

The girls climb into their beds, and Margo turns out the light. Agnes begins singing to her stuffed unicorn, which goes with her everywhere:

“Unicorns, I love them,

Unicorns, I love them,

Uni, uni, unicorns, I love them.”

Edith puts her pillow over her head. But Agnes keeps on singing.

“Uni, unicorns, I could pet one,

If they were really real.

And they are!

So I bought one so I could pet it.

Now it loves me, now I love it,

La la la la la la.”

While she sleeps, Agnes dreams of unicorns.She also dreams of being part of a family… as she does every night.