Despicable Me (4 page)

Gru groans and tries to get into the fortress another way. He just
has
to get that Shrink Ray back. After all, he stole it in the first place!

But it isn’t easy. When Gru tries to pole-vault over the wall, mechanical boxing gloves repeatedly hit him. When he uses a jetpack to fly up and land on the roof, a giant catapult flings him right back. He tries to scale the wall, but giant saws slice through his ropes. The shark even pops out of a manhole and bites him! Every way that Gru tries to get into Vector’s fortress, he’s thwarted.

That doesn’t stop Gru from returning the next day. He still has no luck getting inside, but you have to give him points for his determination.

While Gru sits across the street, bruised and battered from his latest failed attempt, he sees three girls approach the fortress and ring the buzzer.

“Good luck, little girls,” he laughs bitterly.

Gru puts a pair of binoculars to his face and watches as the security cameras activate.

One girl speaks into the camera. It’s Margo. “Uh, hi. We’re orphans from Miss Hattie’s Home for Girls.”

“I don’t care. Beat it,” Vector says through the intercom.

“Come on, we’re selling cookies, so, you know, we can have a better future,” Margo explains.

“Oh, wait, wait… do you have Coconutties?” asks Vector, suddenly nice.

“Uh… yeah,” replies Margo.

VHHHRRRT!
The gates open, allowing the girls to enter the fortress.

Back in the crater, Gru has a wonderfully devious idea: he can use the girls to get the Shrink Ray from Vector’s lair!

Gru flips open his cell phone and dials. “Dr. Nefario? I’m going to need a dozen tiny remote-controlled robots that look like cookies… Cookie Robots.”

With newfound hope, Gru laughs. What
sweet
revenge!

“Here’s the dealio.”

—Gru

Miss Hattie sits behind her desk, checking her computer screen. Across from her sits Gru, wearing an all-white dentist’s outfit, complete with rubber gloves.

“Well, it appears you’ve cleared our background check, Dr. Gru. Oh, and I see you have made a list of some of your personal achievements. Thank you for that; I love reading.”

Miss Hattie has no idea that back in Gru’s lab, a minion has hacked into Miss Hattie’s computer and is at that very moment typing random information into the file.

Miss Hattie continues to read. “And I see you’ve been given the Medal of Honor… and knighthood… and the Nobel Prize for Dentistry.”

More and more details pop up on her screen as
many
minions are now typing different ideas. They’re fighting each other to get to the keyboard.

“You run marathons. You had your own cooking show?” asks Miss Hattie. At that moment, her computer screen goes haywire with tons of random information. “What in the name of…?”

Gru knows he has to do something before his cover is blown. “Here’s the dealio. Things have been so lonely since my wife, Debbie, passed on.” He starts to act emotional. “It’s like my heart is a tooth, and it’s got a cavity that can only be filled with children.” He puts his head in his hands, trying to contain his emotions.

Looking up, he realizes that his approach isn’t working on Miss Hattie. Apparently, she isn’t the emotional type. It’s time for him to change his tactics.

“You are a beautiful woman,” he murmurs. “Do you speak Spanish?”

Miss Hattie gives him a blank stare. “Do I look like I speak Spanish?”

“You have a face
como un burro
,” Gru says tenderly.

Miss Hattie giggles. “Oh, well, thank you.”

She doesn’t know he actually said she has a face like a donkey! But Gru doesn’t care, as long as he can carry out his master cookie caper. “Can we proceed with this adoption?” he presses.

Miss Hattie pushes a button on her intercom. “Please tell Margo, Edith, and Agnes to come to the lobby.”

As soon as the girls hear, they run to their tiny room to pack their suitcases. The three girls scream and jump for joy.

“I bet the mama’s beautiful,” says Margo.

“I bet the daddy’s eyes sparkle,” says Edith.

“I bet their house is made of gummy bears,” says Agnes.

The other two girls give Agnes a strange look.

“I’m just saying it’d be nice,” Agnes says with a shrug.

Then they frantically run to the lobby.

“Girls, I want you to meet Mr. Gru. He’s going to adopt you. And he’s a dentist,” explains Miss Hattie.

Gru stands and turns to the girls, who stare up at him. He could not be farther from their ideal image of adoptive parents.

Margo does the introductions. “Uh, hi. I’m Margo. This is Edith. That’s Agnes.”

Agnes runs to Gru, wrapping herself around his leg. Gru attempts a smile. It works. Sort of. Then he shakes his leg, trying to shake Agnes off. “Okay, that’s enough, little girl. Let go of my leg. Come on.”

Agnes won’t budge.

“How do you remove them?” Gru pleads with Miss Hattie. “Is there a command? Some nonstick spray? Crowbar?”

In the end, Gru shuffles out with Agnes still attached. The girls pile into Gru’s car, and he peels out of the driveway. Margo notices that they crunch a little kid’s wagon underneath a tire. She looks over at Gru in alarm, but he just smiles.

It doesn’t take long to drive to Gru’s house. “Here we are. Home sweet home,” Gru says.

The girls stand outside and gaze at the large black house. It doesn’t look friendly. It doesn’t look homey. And it certainly doesn’t look like a place for three little girls. Margo and the other two huddle close together, with worried looks on their faces.

Then Margo remembers something. “Wait a second. You’re the guy who pretended he was a recorded message.” She
knew
the house looked familiar.

Gru opens the front door. “No, that was someone else,” he says dismissively.

Margo raises her eyebrows, unconvinced. She follows the others inside. They look around, taking in the scary-looking interior. Frightening images are everywhere.

Agnes feels very nervous. “Can I hold your hand?” she asks Gru.

“Ah… no,” Gru replies.

Just then Kyle comes bounding around the corner. His eyes light up when he sees the girls. He licks his chops and is about to chomp down on Agnes with a slobbery mouth full of teeth when Gru stops him with a swat from a rolled-up newspaper.

“No, Kyle!” commands Gru. “These are not treats. These are guests.” He turns to the girls. “This is Kyle, my… dog.”

“Oooh, fluffy doggie!” Agnes coos.

That sends Kyle running scared the other way.

“What kind of dog is that?” Margo asks.

“He’s a… a… I don’t know,” answers Gru.

Since Margo is the oldest of the girls, she feels it is her responsibility to look after the other two. “Do you really think this is an appropriate place for little kids?” she demands. “ ’Cause, uh, it’s NOT.”

Gru shrugs and leads the girls to the kitchen. He points to a dog dish filled with candy and another one with water. Newspapers are spread out on the floor.

“As you can see, I have provided everything a child might need,” he says.

The girls just stare at him. Is he serious?

Gru proceeds. “We need to set up some rules. Rule number one: you will not touch anything.”

“What about the floor?” asks Margo.

Gru sighs with irritation. “Yes, you may touch the floor.”

“What about the air?”

“Yes, you may touch the air.”

“What about this?” asks Edith, holding up a dangerous Ray Gun.

“Ahhh! Where did you get that?” Gru screams, shielding himself with a frying pan.

“Found it,” Edith says with a shrug.

Gru grabs the Ray Gun from her. The girls are already ignoring rule number one!

Moving on, Gru tells them rule number two: “No bothering me while I’m working.”

Then there is rule number three: “You will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart. So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?”

“Does this count as annoying?” asks Agnes as she opens her mouth and drums on her cheeks.

“Very,” answers Gru. He heads for the door. “I will see you in six hours.”

After Gru slams the door, the girls stand
there in silence. Margo sees the somber faces on the other girls and tries to cheer them—and herself—up.

“Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine,” Margo says. “We’re going to be really happy here. Right, Agnes?”

Agnes is on all fours eating candy out of the dish like a dog. She looks up. “Hmm?”

Margo smiles. It seems Agnes is adapting to her new home just fine.

Too bad the girls have no idea what Gru’s real plans for them are.

“Don’t let the bedbugs
bite, because there are
literally thousands
of them.”

—Gru

Gru stares at a collection of miniature robots on a table in the lab. Each robot has one eye, a metallic underbite, and a giant wig of curly hair. Next to them stands Dr. Nefario, his chest puffed out with pride. Disco music blares through the speakers, and the little robots start to dance. They’re actually pretty good!

Looking confused, Gru asks, “Uh, what are these?”

Dr. Nefario grooves to the beat and says, “A dozen Boogie Robots!
Booogieee!
”

Gru grabs the remote control and pushes the stop button.

“
Cookie
Robots!” cries Gru. “I said Cookie Robots!”

Dr. Nefario’s mouth drops open. Whoops.

“Okay, I’m on it,” the scientist says, feeling quite embarrassed.

Meanwhile, the girls are upstairs exploring the dark and ghastly house. They wander into the main room.

“TV!” Agnes cheers. She tries to climb up on the rhino chair and accidentally steps on the remote control in the chair’s leg. The cannon drops down from above, revealing the secret entrance.

“Whoa, this is cool! Come on!” says Edith. The other girls follow out of curiosity.

“I don’t think he’s a dentist,” Agnes says as they ride down in the elevator to the secret lab.

Back inside the lab, Dr. Nefario presents a normal-looking cookie on the table. This is no ordinary cookie, however. With a
vzzzzrt
, mechanical legs emerge from the sides of the cookie and it stands up, looking like a robotic
spider with a chewy center. The cookie scampers across the table toward Gru, who smiles.