Desperation of Love (10 page)

I feel bad that he’s pissed off at me right now, but I think I did the best thing. This is all too new and I think we should ease into spending every night together. Doing my best to push the guilt away, I head upstairs to my bedroom, change into a pair of pajamas and get under the covers. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but I can’t. I toss and turn for the next hour and a half, unable to get comfortable and hating myself because I know the reason why. I miss him. I miss him calling me princess and kissing me on my forehead. I miss snuggling up to him and feeling his warmth. I’m not sure how I got to the point where I’ve developed actual feelings for Alex, but it’s very unsettling, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m confused. I’m wondering what it means that he hasn’t tried to move further with me in a sexual way and at the same time I’m relieved that he hasn’t, especially after talking to Elle tonight. I let her words affect me too much. She made assumptions about me that were true in the past, but why does she presume that I can’t ever change? If she changed her view on love, maybe I can too. Maybe I can be what Alex needs me to be, give him something that he hasn’t had before, something that I haven’t had before. Maybe we can do it together.

Thirty minutes later, I’m standing on the front porch of Alex’s house, still in my pajamas, ringing the doorbell. Yes! I’ve lost my mind. This is a new low, even for me. He opens the door wearing nothing but a pair of black boxers. He looks sleepy, sexy and confused. “Jordan, is everything alright? What are you doing here?”

I stand up straight, hold my head up high, and swallow my pride. “I couldn’t sleep,” I say with a sigh.

I see him fight the smile tugging on his lips. “You couldn’t sleep, or you couldn’t sleep without
me
?”

I huff in annoyance and roll my eyes. “Are you going to let me in or what?”

He places a hand on the door and pushes it open wider, clearly loving every minute of my humiliation. He’s blocking the doorway and I’m forced to duck underneath his arm to get inside. He chuckles as he secures the bolt on the door. “Come on, babe. Let’s go to sleep,” he says, grabbing my hand and pulling me upstairs with him. He leads us to his bedroom and directly into his bed, positioning us so that we’re facing each other. Right at this moment, I feel more wanted than I ever have before. The simplest things that Alex does make me feel most cherished. There’s no grand gesture necessary with him. I have an overwhelming urge to cry, but I close my eyes, hold the tears back, and try to focus on what’s happening right now between us because whatever it is, it’s very good. I feel his lips press against my forehead and I take a breath, letting the sensation of his body against mine wash over me. I find comfort in being in his embrace, and minutes later, we’re both asleep.

I wake up, startled and confused, unaware of my surroundings. I realize that I’m in Alex’s arms, but not in my bed. The sound of his soft breathing is mixed with the beat of heavy rain on the roof and loud thunder. I begin to remember the events of last night. I came here after practically kicking him out of my house and then wasn’t able to sleep without him. I allow myself to relax back into Alex’s embrace. As he sleeps peacefully, I recall how I wanted to cry last night. I couldn’t comprehend why, in the midst of such a lovely moment, I had let such a flash of sadness come over me. In the light of a new day, I realize that occasions of sadness in the heart of something good serve as a reminder of the fact that life isn’t always what you think it ought to be. Certain truths are more painful than existing in a life of lies, and that when you find even a tiny slice of goodness, you should hold onto it with everything you have. The more time I spend with Alex, the more I start to wonder if he could be that slice of goodness. But what if he doesn’t feel the same way? There’s no doubt in my mind that he did at some point, but now he’s shown no interest in being intimate with me. Is that really a bad thing though? Why am I putting such a high level of importance on sex or the lack thereof? Maybe that’s where my problems with relationships begin. I use sex as a way of feeling loved without having to actually give away my heart. Is that why he hasn’t touched me? Does he think that I’ll walk away once we’ve done the deed?

Alex stirs behind me, his arm tightens around my waist. Instinctively, my lips curl up into a smile. “Good morning,” I say, melting into him.

“Mmmm,” he grunts, burrowing his face in the crook of my neck and placing a kiss on my shoulder. “Morning, babe.”

I turn in his arms until we’re face to face. The sight of him all sexy and sleepy makes my insides stir. I slide my top leg in between his and rock my hips against his hardness. I can see desire flash in his eyes as I brush my lips against his. He places a quick kiss on my lips and rolls onto his back, effectively breaking the moment between us. I follow suit, rolling onto my back and covering my eyes with my arm. I’m frustrated by his rejection. I can’t take it anymore. I have to know what the deal is. The hot and cold game he’s playing needs to stop. I let out a breath and roll back onto my side, resting my head on hand.

“Why haven’t you touched me?”

He looks at me and lets out a nervous laugh, which makes me nervous. “What?”

I have to get to the bottom of this because it’s starting to consume my thoughts. I gather my composure and continue. “You haven’t tried to have sex with me.”

“Ahhhh, I see,” he says with a nod. “And me not trying to get in your pants bothers you?”

I officially hate this conversation. I could kick myself for bringing it up, but now that I’ve started it, I have to participate. “I wouldn’t say that it bothers me. It’s just strange, I guess. You tell me how you want to be with me, but you don’t want to do that?”

He sighs, but says nothing. I can tell that he’s taking the time to choose his words carefully. “I just … I’m not sure you’re ready, babe. After that night at the club, I decided to slow things down. I felt like us spending time together and trying to get to know one another as a couple was more important than consummating our relationship.”

Well, don’t I just feel stupid now? “Oh.”

He turns over so that he’s nearly on top of me. “Hey,” he says. “I never meant to make you think that I didn’t want you. I want you very much. I just need you to be sure.”

No one has ever worried about my readiness to have sex. It’s kind of unbelievable, but I have to admit that it’s also really nice. I bring my hand up and stroke his cheek. “I am. I’m sure.”

“Really?” There’s a tone of disbelief in his voice, but I nod my response. I couldn’t be more ready for him.

He smiles down at me and pushes the loose strands of hair off my face. “Then why did you have a meltdown last night?”

This just keeps getting worse. “I didn’t have a meltdown, Alex. I just thought we needed some space.”

“So much so, that not even two hours later, you showed up on my doorstep?”

I’m trying to keep my cool, not turn into a bitch and push him off me then walk out the door. It’s what I’d normally do, but I really do want to go against my normal tendencies. I want a chance at a future with a great guy, and I’m starting to believe that there’s no one better than this one. It’s the first time that I’ve ever admitted to hoping for something more out of life than my usual relationship homicides. I decide to give honesty a try. “I was wrong about the space. I missed you, alright. I said it … happy now?” I said I’d be honest, but I never said I’d be nice about it.

Alex smiles and kisses my forehead. “Yeah, I’m happy that you missed me, but I’m not happy that you’re struggling. Why don’t you tell me what happened at dinner? What did

Ellie say?”

I turn my face, trying to avoid his gaze. “Alex.”

“Jordan,” he says, bringing his hand to my chin and turning my head to face him again. “Talk to me.”

“She asked me if something was going on between us.”

His eyes go wide. Apparently, he didn’t see that coming. “What did you say?”

“I said no. I’m not ready for her to know about us.”

The sound of thunder startles me, and Alex looks toward the window. I can tell that he’s frustrated by my need to keep our relationship a secret. “What else?” he asks, turning his head until we’re face to face again.

“She said that, given my track record, I would not be a good choice for you. I would only end up hurting you.” I can feel tears starting to form as I say the words, and I hate myself for being this weak. Why do I care what anyone thinks? Even if that person is my best friend. She doesn’t need to agree with my choices, and I certainly don’t need her approval. I know her intentions are good, but the words hurt too much. I should just let it go.

He presses his lips together in a hard line and the stone cold look on his face tells me that he’s not happy about what Elle said to me. “She said that?”

I turn my gaze towards the window. The sky is dark and rain is getting heavier. It would actually be kind of relaxing if this conversation wasn’t so stressful. It’s the kind of weather that makes you want to stay home and snuggle with someone. It reflects my mood perfectly. “Pretty much.” I shake my head and whisper, “Don’t be mad at her, babe. She meant well.”

“Look at me, Jordan.” I do as I’m told and meet his gaze. I could get lost in his eyes. The warmth that reflects in them never fails to draw me in. “She’s wrong. You are exactly what I need. I’m an adult and I can take care of myself. You do not need to worry about hurting me. Okay?”

I give him a smile. I want so badly to believe his words. To accept that we can be together and that he can handle all that I am, the baggage I carry, the issues that plague my relationships. That he can be the one to help me let go of it all. “Okay.”

He strokes my cheek with his hand and brings his lips down to meet mine. The kiss feels different, better, if that’s even possible. It’s full of Alex’s promises and my hopes for us. He pulls away and stares down at me for a moment. “And if you’re sure you’re ready, we’ll move things along soon.”

“Now,” I say, wrapping my legs around his waist.

Alex laughs. I can see the shock and amusement in his eyes. “Now?”

I rock my hips up and can feel his arousal. “Yes, I want you now.”

He grabs my hands and pins them on the bed just over my head. The look of delight is now replaced with a more serious expression. “I want it to be special for you.”

My heart swells with an emotion I’m not quite sure I understand. What I do know is that it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It terrifies me and excites me at the same time. Under normal circumstances, the terror would win out and send me running, but Alex is far from normal. “This is special. It’s more special than anything I’ve ever had.”

He nods his head in understanding. “Yeah, it is.”

“If you’re waiting for me to speak words of love, or tell you that we’ll be together forever, I can’t promise you that I’ll ever say that. But I can say that I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I’ve never wanted to try so hard with anyone. You wanted our first time to be special, Alex. This is it. Here in this house, where we met, where we snuck our first kiss, where this thing between us started. It’s special here and I’m ready. I want it to be here.”

He stares at me for what feels like an eternity, trying to come to some sort of decision. I know he’s ready to give in to me when his eyes grow warm and languid. He pulls himself up to his knees and looks down at me. He reaches for the hem of my tank top and pulls it up. I lift my torso to help him along, and he easily slides it over my head. I lay back down, exposed, as he tosses the clothing on the floor. His eyes roam over my upper body, taking me all in. I realize that it’s the first time he’s ever really seen me naked. The only thing covering me now is a flimsy pair of cotton pajama bottoms and undies.

Alex repositions himself over me, nudging my legs open with one of his, as he settles between them. He lowers his head down, his lips graze mine. “So damn beautiful,” he whispers before he claims my mouth. Instinctively, my lips part to allow him access. The feel of my naked breasts against his skin makes the heat pool between my legs. He breaks the kiss and begins a slow journey south, leaving a trail of kisses on my cheek, my chin, my neck, and stopping to pay special attention to my breasts. He palms one as he slowly licks and savors the other. An involuntary moan escapes from my lips as his touch begins to drive me wild.

I run my hands through his hair and hold on for dear life. I might have even heard him grunt in pain, but I don’t care. I need to touch him, to make sure that he’s here and that this is really happening. He starts his descent again and before I can register what’s happening, my pants and underwear have joined my tank top on the floor. His lips on my inner thigh cause my hips to buck up off the bed. He places the palms of his hands on my hips in response, keeping me securely locked down on the mattress. “You sure you’re ready?” he asks, taking in all of me.

“Yes,” I whisper, nodding my head.

“Good, because I couldn’t stop now even if I wanted to,” he says, tightening his hold on me. His words make me whimper in anticipation. I close my eyes when his tongue comes into contact with my sensitive flesh, licking the inside of my folds until he finds his mark. His tongue circles around my swollen clit but never quite comes into contact with it. I try to lift my hips to get him where I need him the most, but he just grips them harder, making it nearly impossible for me to move. The sensations he’s eliciting are making me insane. I can feel the buildup in my stomach and I know that it’s coming. Just when I think I can’t take anymore, his tongue finds my clit. With a few skilled strokes, I explode. The climax takes over as I scream Alex’s name, over and over again. As my orgasm begins to recede, I open my eyes to find that he has already removed his boxers. I’m taken aback by the view of him completely naked. I knew that he worked hard on perfecting his body, but to see it completely bare is breathtaking. I can only stare at him as he rolls a condom onto his impressive length and positions himself over me. He strokes my cheek and pushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear.