Desperately Seeking Suzanna (21 page)

Releasing her breast, he rose up on his elbow, his other hand drawing small circles on her hip now. He placed a kiss on her forehead before burying his mouth in her hair. His erection throbbed, screaming for the warmth of her body. He ground his hips into hers as he said into her hair, “Do you feel how much I want you?”

Her hips arched into his for more contact as her knees fell apart a fraction. Her lips grazed his shoulder as she spoke, “I want to touch you…there.”

“You don’t even need to ask.” He released the placket of his breeches, watching her eyes swallow him whole the same way he longed to disappear into her body.

She moved a hand down, grazing her fingernails across his stomach and making his muscles jump in response.

It took all the control he had to remain still as her small hand wrapped around his length. She looked up into his face, her soft brown eyes round with wonder as she slid her hand down to the base, testing the power of her touch.

His breath grew more ragged with every movement of her hand. When she rubbed her thumb over the tip, something resembling a growl escaped his throat. “Sue,” he begged as his lips met hers in a kiss of desperation.

He needed her, more of her. He wanted to feel her writhe beneath him in pleasure. He nudged her legs farther apart with his thigh and sank one finger into her depths as he took her mouth. Coaxing her with the flick of his wrist, he pressed his thumb to the center of her sex. He stroked the small bud there until she arched into his hand, her grip on his member tightening.

He thrust another finger into her as he dove into her mouth, the pressure of her hand intoxicating as she moved over his length with expertise he knew she couldn’t have. His hand met her body with increased force as she arched to meet him. He broke their kiss to look down at her, flushed cheeks below half-closed eyes, lips swollen from his kiss.

He thrust into her again and again, enjoying the pulse of her grip on him as she found her pleasure. She lifted her hips to meet him as she exhaled heated puffs of air. His body was rigid with need, and she seemed to need him as much as he did her. He wasn’t going to last much longer.

“Come for me. You’re beautiful, Sue. So beautiful.” He pushed into her again, feeling her tighten around him.

She cried out beneath him as he gave her one last flick of his hand, pulling her over the edge into oblivion. He rolled from her, spilling his seed in the grass before settling back beside her.

She was watching him with lazy interest. “Did you mean that? About me being…”

“Beautiful? Yes, love.” He ran his hand down the porcelain skin of her stomach to rest on her hip. He did mean it; she was lovely. Sue had a beauty all her own. He wasn’t sure how he’d overlooked it before, but he was thankful no other gentleman had discovered her secret.

“Holden, you wouldn’t lie to encourage me to do scandalous acts with you, would you?”

“I would never lie to you, Sue.” He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the soft grass so she wouldn’t read the truth written there. He did think her beautiful, but any truth he possessed had been lost long ago and would never be spoken. “Now, about that swim…”

“You’re painting?” Evangeline shut the door to their bedchamber and leaned against it. “If Mother sees you…”

“Then what, Evie? Will she remove me from London? Force me to serve as a companion to Great-Aunt Mildred for the remainder of my days?” Sue glanced up from the small canvas she held in her hand, the brush hanging from her fingers and threatening to drip emerald paint on her dress.

“She’ll have a fit. Do you know you have black paint on your nose? You can’t be seen that way—not here! It was Lord Amberstall whom you offended by being covered in paint, after all.”

Sue rubbed at her nose with the back of her hand, flicking a trail of green into her hair in the process. “Hang Lord Amberstall and his notions on propriety among ladies. He isn’t interested in me, so why should I spare a thought for him?”

Evangeline was wide eyed as she stared her sister down. “You’re under the man’s roof, Sue. We must show respect for his position, or Mother will…”

Sue turned her attention back to the painting she held. Tiny emerald eyes stared back at her. The hair needed work, however. “I’m weary of worrying what Mother will think, Evie. In fact, I mean to cease all thought of Mother.”

“How can you do that?”

“Someone once told me, ‘Dwell on the pleasing parts of life and pretend the rest don’t exist.’ Painting pleases me.”

“And Mother doesn’t exist?”

“Precisely.” Sue placed her brush back on the small tray at her side and retrieved another, determined to capture the light in Holden’s hair as she’d seen it yesterday afternoon.

“Sue, may I sit?” Evangeline asked, already moving toward the edge of the bed. “I find I’m out of sorts this morning.”

“Should I send for a maid? We could get tea and something to eat. Have you eaten? I always feel wretched if I haven’t eaten properly.”

“No, thank you. It will pass. I’m sure of it.” She settled back on Sue’s bed, leaning her head against the large panel at the head covered in pale green silk. “Tell me, Sue. How will you pretend Mother doesn’t exist?”

“In the same manner she plans on ridding herself of me.”

“You plan to go along with her ideas for your future, then?”

“No. Yes. Perhaps. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will walk away from her and never look back.”

“Where will you go?”

“That remains to be seen.” Sue smiled up from behind the small canvas. Where would she go? She knew what she wanted, and for the first time, she thought it attainable. Her eyes dropped back down to Holden’s familiar face.

“How can you be so cavalier? Your future is terribly uncertain.”

What would Evangeline have her do? Wallow in self-misery while following Mother’s every whim? Her life was worth more than Mother’s accounting of it. Whatever her fate, she would be the one deciding on it. “Don’t think badly of me for rising above Mother’s fits and choosing to be positive about my future.”

“I don’t. I only hope I might be so bold one day.”

“You’re always bold.” She glanced up at her sister in confusion. “You turn heads with every step you take. Bold and beautiful. That is you.”

“Jewels made of paste are those same things.”

“Evie, is something the matter? You don’t seem yourself.”

“I’m quite all right. I should go. Mother will be expecting me repaired and ready for the day ahead by now.”

“Evie.”

“Yes?” Her sister paused with her hand on the doorknob.

“You’re made of stronger material than paste. Don’t allow Mother to destroy you, too.”

With a nod, Evangeline left the room.

Sue was as surprised at her words of strength as her sister had been. She was even more surprised to discover how true the words were. Holden had been right that day in the park. Mother held too much control over her life. She wanted freedom from it all, freedom to choose her own future.

Setting down the canvas, she rose and went to the basin in the corner to clean the paint from her face. Her hair had fallen from its confinement and was stuck to a dot of green paint on her forehead. Black was smeared across the ridge of her nose, making her smile. For the first time in her life, she looked in the mirror and saw beauty. Perhaps not perfection, but just as in nature, the beauty was one with the flaws.

She was beautiful.

She could see it now—what Holden must see when he looked upon her. He was right; she did deserve better fare than her family was serving. She deserved happiness. Happiness and love. Did she already possess both? She wasn’t sure yet, but she was enjoying the path to discovering the answers.

***

A horse exhibition. Of course this event of pure horsey adoration would dissolve into a horse race. Sue blinked into the brilliant sunlight of the afternoon as she stepped out the front door of Amber Hollow. It was nearly time for the festivities to begin. With her eyes sweeping the front drive for Lillian, she walked out onto the raked gravel. Her friend would surely be in attendance since the duke had instigated the entire event. Last night at dinner, Lillian had kept looking at the duke—looking and blushing.

A knowing smile curved Sue’s mouth upward. She knew that anxious yet excited look well, for it was plastered on her own face as of late. Lillian would never admit to having an interest in a man, but her actions spoke volumes. Would her friend finally be the one to tame the mad duke? Hopefully Lillian knew how to control the fire with which she played.

Two gentlemen passed Sue with nods as they strode ahead, exchanging money and speaking in hushed tones. She let them pass as she moved in the direction of the paddock but at no great speed. She was sure Lillian would join her for the exhibition; until then she was alone. Evangeline and Mother refused to spend additional time in the sun “watching animals run in dirt.” On this occasion, she understood their point, but she left the suite in spite of it. She needed to walk, to think. Would Holden be there too? Her chest tightened. What was happening between them? She dreaded the answer to that question as much as she anticipated it.

Sue’s toe had barely touched the grass on the far side of the drive when she was tugged sideways through an opening in the bushes. She gasped, glancing around to find herself on a small path through the rose garden—with Holden.

She stared up at him for a moment while trying not to think of the way his fingers were curled around her wrist, stroking the skin at the edge of her kid glove. “I was going to watch the horses.”

“As am I.” His lips curled up into a smile. “I’m merely suggesting the scenic path to the paddock.”

“Dragging me through the bushes is hardly a suggestion.”

“Consider it repayment for pulling me through half the ballrooms in London.” He wrapped her hand around his arm and began moving down the path at a leisurely pace.

“I did no such thing. All right. Perhaps I did tug a bit on you once, but we were going to get cakes. I do have my priorities, you know, and cake is at the top of my list. Especially the ones at the Dillsworth ball.”

“That wasn’t quite my meaning, but it’s nice to know that the order of your life’s concerns begins with sweets.” He chuckled and gave her shoulder a gentle shove with his elbow.

“Of course it does. Eating sweets is the most pleasure we’re given in this life. Hmm, perhaps not the most, but…” She blushed, thinking of yesterday afternoon in the grass. She cleared her throat. “What was your meaning before? About being hauled through ballrooms?”

“It wasn’t hauled; it was pulled—as if you could haul me. I’m at least twice your size. But my meaning was figurative.” He paused, turning to her. His brow creased into a deep vee as he gazed down at her. “Sue, I’ve followed you from ball to ball this entire season. I know we began on improper footing, but I’ve been seeking you since I met you. It’s always been you. Always.”

“Holden, I wanted to tell you of it all. I…”

“Never mind that.” He reached up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on the side of her neck with a gentle caress. “I’m simply glad to know now. I’m glad I know you, Sue. Not Suzanna. Sue. Sue Green.”

She couldn’t breathe. What was he saying? His eyes shone with a soft intensity that created as many questions as it did answers. Did she dare ask? And if he was leading to some grand decision involving her future, shouldn’t he know what her family’s intentions were for the end of the season? It was only fair to tell him. “Holden, I don’t know where this is leading, but I should tell you…”

“I don’t know where it’s leading, either.” After a barely perceptible shake of his head, his expression cleared to a lazy grin. “Let us continue walking, and we will see when we arrive where we were heading when we began. You never know, we could find another lake.”

She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. Although they were in a rose garden, she wished there was another lake. Yesterday would live forever in her memories. The smell of the sweet grass, his hands on her body, his lips…

“What did you want to tell me?”

Her mind refused to function, remaining rooted to the clearing by the lake yesterday. Had she wished to tell him anything? She glanced up at him.

“You aren’t, in secret, anyone else I know, are you? One of my many cousins?” He pulled a face of horror. “Thornwood?”

“No. Nothing like that.” She was through with secrets. Her smile dropped to the ground. “It’s actually my family.”

“Oh? Has your mother set another rule? I hope it isn’t against walks through gardens with gentlemen.”

“No, although I’m sure she wouldn’t approve.”

“Good. I like being the means of your rebellion.”

“As do I.” The smile on her face fell as she took another step. “Holden, my family has plans for me at the end of this season. You see…I’ve been not dancing at balls for several seasons now.”

“That was your decision this season, Sue.”

“I know.” She looked away. “But I’m quite on the shelf in my family’s eyes. As such, I was told this season would be my last.”

His eyes were on her now, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. “Where will you go? Back to live on the estate and grow into someone’s matronly aunt?”

She swallowed and turned to look up into his eyes. There was no turning back now. “Sent away to Scotland to live out my days as a companion to my chocolate-loathing great-aunt.”

He stopped, staring at her for a moment before asking, “What?”

“Mother thinks that is the only life I’m suited for. She became angry when she saw me dressed once in an ensemble she deemed less than appropriate.” She couldn’t tell him that her night as Suzanna had sealed her fate. He might believe her to be a manipulating wanton which, despite her mother’s assessment, she was not. “She’d long given up on the possibility of my finding a husband. And now, with this being my last season, I must live with my fate.”

His hand tightened over hers where it wrapped around his arm, his fingers grasping hers through the layers of their gloves. “How can they even consider it?”

“I know, it’s awful. A lifetime without chocolate.”

“I meant abandoning you to the wilds of Scotland. I’ve…been there. It’s no place for you.”

“That, too. I’m told no man of sane mind would want me—not in that way, at any rate.” She bit out the words, her jaw hardened against the pain of being so worthless in her family’s eyes.

“I want you.” His breathing was harsh and so were his thoughts, if the warning in his eyes were any indication.

“You’re Lord Steelings, confirmed bachelor and charming rake of the
ton
.”

“Yes, I suppose I am those things. Just as you are a lady who doesn’t dance at balls. But I still want you.” His grip on her fingers loosened and he turned to face her, pulling her close.

“About where this path is leading…” she murmured against his chest, taking comfort in his steady heartbeat.

“I still don’t know, Sue. But I know this: I can’t stand by and watch as your family sends you to a place where I can’t reach you.” His arms kept her safe as he rubbed the tension from her shoulders.

“I didn’t tell you this so that you would save me. I know I face uncertainty; I only wanted you to be aware of it. I can find my own way out of this muck. My purpose in all this is…” She looked up into his face. “I don’t want any more secrets between us.”

“No more secrets,” he repeated, his jaw tightening on the words.

She sighed on a contented smile. “No secrets.”

***

The gentle clip-clop of horse hooves on the dusty road turned to pounding heartbeats against Holden’s ears. The sight of Sue lying in the grass beneath him burned in his mind. How had he ever believed he could see her again and satiate his desire for her? Once wouldn’t do—not with Sue. She possessed a well-contained wildness that he wanted to set free and watch run. Her response to him went beyond response and well into action. When her hands had touched his skin…

“I don’t understand them, Steelings,” Thornwood said from the seat of his horse at Holden’s side.

“Who?” Holden blinked, shooting his friend a confused look while shifting in his saddle to ease the tightness of his breeches.

“Ladies,” Thornwood grumbled.

“Ha! And you think I do?”

Thornwood shrugged. “No, I suppose not. After all, you never even found your Suzanna.”

Holden couldn’t keep the grin from his face. “Suzanna was an illusion, it seems.” And he’d never been so pleased with the secrets of an illusion. Sue was nothing she seemed to be and everything he wanted. He glanced at Thornwood. Was he watching with those annoyingly perceptive eyes of his? Could he guess Holden’s thoughts? But his friend looked troubled, his gaze distant. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one on the trail of a lady. Holden had seen Thornwood speaking with Sue’s friend on a few occasions. But this was Thornwood after all; he would claim he didn’t have time for ladies.

Holden’s eyes narrowed on him. “I saw you speaking with Miss Phillips yesterday after the horse exhibition,” he led in, hoping for some details to distract him from the memory of Sue.

“Yes, Lily and I were discussing…”

“Ah, so it’s Lily now, is it? How very interesting.” Holden raised a brow at his friend with a chuckle.