Desperately Seeking Suzanna (25 page)

“I didn’t realize you cared for the family name,” his father mused as he shot Holden a wondering look.

“I believe there is a great deal you don’t realize, Father.”

“So it would seem,” he replied, his gaze dipping to Sue for a second. “We can send your mother back to Brooke House, then. They’ve kept her bed open for me in case I found her.”

“She was overly thin and poorly clothed when she arrived here, Father. Even she doesn’t deserve such treatment.”

“What would you have me do after all she’s done to this family? Stand by and allow her to leave? I can’t allow that to happen, Holden.”

“I won’t allow that, either.” He’d made that mistake and he wouldn’t be that careless again. She couldn’t have freedom to wonder the streets, she was too dangerous for that. “There must be a solution. We could have her sent to Australia or the Americas. I have a friend with a shipping business who wouldn’t ask questions—well, perhaps not many questions.”

“Perhaps,” his father replied.

Holden sighed, watching his mother take a long draw from her teacup, draining it to the dregs. She was certainly quiet for someone with rather strong opinions about her future whereabouts. “But it would only be a matter of time before she found her way home—even from such a distance.” He wasn’t sure how he knew that statement was fact, but it was.

“I will not be traveling anywhere,” his mother announced above their hushed chatter.

“You’ll be going straight back to Brooke House if I have any say in the matter,” his father retorted.

She didn’t spare her husband a glance. Her green eyes pled with Holden as her gaze pierced through him. “Dearest son, know that I did it because I love you.” She began to choke on the words, her face contorted around a scream. “Love…you.” The teacup fell from her grasp as she crumbled to the floor.

Holden watched her fall, knowing he should feel some level of grief, even relief, but he felt nothing. He’d told the truth when he said he’d buried her long ago. She was gone now, by her own hand. It was rather fitting, really, that after causing so much strife, she would drink her own poisoned tea.

“So much loss,” his father mused as he peered over the table for a glimpse of her body. A moment later, he went to the door to call for assistance from some footmen lingering in the hall.

Looking weary when he returned, he collapsed into the chair opposite Sue. “You are all I have left, Holden, and you are a grown man. I suppose you’ll return to France soon. Continue…your life there.”

Holden paused. It must be said. He’d had a lifetime of lies, and he didn’t want any more of them. “I haven’t told you the entire truth, Father.”

“What do you mean?”

He took a breath. “I’ve never lived in France.”

The heat of Sue’s gaze warmed him as he stood beside her chair. She was watching him, listening. She would know almost all his secrets now. Ironic that he’d promised they wouldn’t have any more secrets earlier this week, with no intention of fulfilling his promise, when now here he was baring all. No more secrets. He turned to glance at her before moving to lean against the edge of a table, face to face with his father.

“That’s impossible,” his father muttered.

“It’s quite possible, believe me.” Holden rubbed at his head to push straight his careening thoughts. He didn’t know where to start, and he wasn’t entirely confident that Sue would understand once he did so. But she knew of his mother now, she’d witnessed the worst of his lies today, and he couldn’t keep these secrets anymore. He took a breath and spoke the truth for the first time in his life.

Sue’s head was spinning, whether from exposure to so many lies or from loss of blood was debatable. Had this day truly been real? Unfortunately, it was quite real. She tried to sink further into the armchair. Perhaps with the shock of his mother’s death, Holden would forget she was there. But she could never shrink small enough for Holden not to see her. Not anymore.

The last thing she’d wanted when she woke today was to speak to that man again. Yet here she sat, listening to his family reunion while his mother lay slumped on the floor. If she could only stand, she could leave. She would walk away from him and never look back. She shifted her weight and tried to find her feet, but her head was feeling quite detached. Only lasting a second upright, she fell back to the chair and gained Holden’s attention in the process. Perfect.

He knelt before her, wrapping his hands around her wrist with a gentleness she didn’t know he possessed. How could he think to touch her after all his untruths were brought to light? Without a single apology? He’d spent his life living a lie and had no remorse for it.

She pulled her arm from his grasp, trying not to read the hurt in his eyes at her reaction to his touch.

“You’re bleeding, Sue. Quite profusely, if I’m to be honest—which I am making an effort at today.” He tried to grin, but his brows were drawn together in concern.

“Very well, then.” With a sigh, she lifted her injured hand to him.

He removed the handkerchief from her hand and tossed it aside. “How did it happen?”

“It was a failed attempt at leaving your home.” She wanted to leave his home right now.

“Through the convenient door made of knives I have? Sue, these cuts are rather deep.”

She shrugged. He wasn’t there; he would have done the same. “Your dining room windows were painted closed.”

“Ah. That room needed redecoration anyway. I’ll bandage it the best I can for now.”

She nodded, watching as he pulled at the knot of his cravat, ripping it from his neck. Wrapping the fabric around her hand and wrist, he bandaged her wounds until all she could see was white. The fabric was still warm from his body, blast him. And it most likely smelled of him, too, but she would not be sniffing it—ever. She would thank him, return home, and promptly remove this bandage

“I never wanted you to be pulled into any of this,” he offered without looking up from his work. “My apologies for any pain she inflicted upon you.”

A halfhearted apology—for her near death and not for his lies. Her jaw tightened around her reply. “You mean the mother you told me was deceased? Is that to whom you’re referring?”

“Yes. Her.”

“I’m quite fine, thank you for inquiring.” She tried to tug her hand from his grasp, but he held the fabric of her bandage tight in his hands.

“Sue.” His eyes met hers for a second as he seemed to consider his words before looking back down at the knot he was tying across her hand. “I’m not what I seem.”

“I’ve noticed. Nothing around here is what it seems.”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Aren’t you out of those?”

He lifted his face to hers. He was too close. “I’ve never so much as visited France. I would like nothing more than to go there someday, though.”

“You’ve never even been there?” Were his lies endless? Did she know this man at all? She’d been so sure only a few days ago. “Where did you live? You’ve been away years, have you not?”

“I was a fisherman in Iceland for a few years. It’s more lucrative than you would believe, but quite smelly work. Once I’d saved enough funds, I went to Belgium. I had a shop on the square in Brussels. I lived upstairs, ate far too many chocolates from the shop next door, and sold antiquities.”

“Fish and antiquities. Do I know anything true of you?”

At his hard stare and silence, she guessed at his answer.

Did she want to know more? Her hand be damned; she needed to leave. “Well, then. If we’re finished here, I need to return home.”

“I came most recently from Scotland where I have a cottage.”

“Not France,” she clarified.

“No.” His eyes searched hers, looking for something she didn’t know if she possessed any longer.

Had everything been a lie? His stories, all creations he invented? Every word of who he was, a fabrication? “Was any of it true?”

“Pieces. The bits that were me were true.”

“How can I possibly find those pieces in this pile of falsehoods, Holden?”

“Trust what you know of me.”

“What do I know of you, Holden? What could I possibly know?”

“I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be honest.”

“Then why weren’t you? It was all a grand deception, wasn’t it? Oh, you always have your reasons, but it’s deceit.”

“I had reasons. Sue, you have to understand.”

“Why?” She tried to pull her hand from him once more, but he held the ends of the fabric, tying her to him.

“Because I need you to understand.”

“It doesn’t change anything. Even if I did understand, I wouldn’t accept your offer from last night.”

“But it does change things. I never meant to hurt you, Sue.”

“You lied to me. Your entire life is a fairy tale you thought would sound dashing to those around you. How do I know what’s real?” She had to ask him. She needed to know, even if she couldn’t trust the answers. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “When you said you cared for me? When you said I was beautiful?”

“Always, Sue. Always.”

“I want to believe you.”

“But you don’t.”

“How can I believe anything you say to me?” One tear threatened to slip down her cheek, but she blinked it away with a sniff.

“You know me.”

“No.” She tore her hand free of his and stood. “I don’t.” She moved away from him, pausing as she reached the door. Turning back to him, she swallowed back every fiber of longing in her body and said, “Please send for a carriage. I’d like to return to my home.”

***

“I could have taken your carriage without your company, you know,” Sue stated as she clung to the seat of the phaeton with one hand.

“After what you’ve endured today? It was either this or I could carry you with me on horseback.” He tossed a grin in her direction, but her eyes were focused on the street ahead. “I thought you would prefer this.”

“I should have taken a hack,” she grumbled.

As if he would allow her to climb into the confines of a hired hack after having her life threatened. He would carry her home on his own back before he would allow such a thing. Not to mention that he wanted a few more minutes with her. Could he make her see? Was forgiveness on any level out of the question? “Sue…” he began.

“I would prefer Miss Green, if you please.”

“Would you? Sue, I know things between us have become strained…”

“Is that what you call this? Strained?”

A silence fell between them that threatened to suffocate him. This morning he’d thought to ride away and never see her again. Why couldn’t he allow her to leave now? She clearly wanted nothing further to do with him, yet he couldn’t oblige her wishes. He needed her. He glanced to the side. She was turned away from him as far as the bench seat would allow, an escaped lock of her burnished gold hair pressed to her neck by the breeze. He couldn’t imagine never touching her again or, even worse, never laughing with her again.

She must see reason. He couldn’t go on without mending things with her. He couldn’t. He loved her and he would never stop trying to win back her heart. “Where I’ve lived and my life circumstances don’t change who I am, Sue.”

“You’re right. You lied to me from the beginning. Should that fact make me reconsider being your mistress? Isn’t that why you care what I think of you? Because you want me to reconsider your proposition? I won’t.”

He nodded, his eyes trained on the street ahead of him. He was such a blasted idiot. He shouldn’t have propositioned her in such a manner. Of course her worth was greater than that of a mistress. He should have known that. Somehow he would find a way to make it right, but that day was clearly not today. “I believe we’re at your home.” He drew the phaeton to a stop and jumped down. Coming around the conveyance, he lifted her to the ground.

She slid from his grasp and began making her way up the steps. “You don’t have to see me inside.”

“I will, all the same.”

The door was opened by an aging butler whose eyes flared at Sue’s appearance for a moment before he stepped from view as the door opened wider. Holden shouldn’t go inside, but he didn’t want to leave, either. He stepped over the threshold, pretending not to notice Sue’s glare in his direction.

Her mother paused on the bottom step of a large staircase when she saw them in the doorway. “Sue! What has happened to you?”

She removed her hat and tossed it onto a table as if nothing important had happened today. “I…fell in the park. Lord Steelings was kind enough to come to my rescue and bring me home. He was just leaving.”

“Nonsense. He must come in for tea.” Her mother smiled in his direction, leaving him feeling like a mouse invited to dine with a cat.

“I can’t stay, my lady. I only wanted to see Miss Green inside safely.”

“Indeed. We wouldn’t want her to fall again. Someone might see her.” She glanced at Sue, disgust written across her face as clearly as if it were painted on her cheeks. “She doesn’t have the natural grace my other daughter possesses.”

“My lady, with all due respect, you wouldn’t know natural grace if it bit you on the arse.” He paused at her gasp, allowing his words to sink in. “Do you even realize the talent your daughter has for painting? The beautiful way in which she sees the world? And you treat her with disdain. You should be ashamed of yourself, Lady Rightworth, for attempting to hide such a treasure away and denying the world a view of such splendor.”

“
I
never!
” she bellowed before turning on Sue. “Did you put him up to this, you despicable little…”

“My opinions are my own, my lady. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m sure my presence is needed at home by now.” He offered Sue a tip of his hat and a smile that he prayed she would find endearing. “Good day, Miss Green.”

As he turned to leave, he heard her murmur a small, “Good day.”

In that tiny phrase, he found hope.

***

They stood frozen in silence until the front door closed and the butler left the room. As soon as they were alone, her mother turned to her. “A gentleman’s opinions are never his own. What have you said to turn his view of our family so?”

Holden was right. Her mother should be ashamed of her actions. Sue didn’t have to stand here and be bashed about the head with insults. She’d survived an attempt on her life today, and she would survive this. “I believe you turned his view of our family all by yourself, Mother.”

“Won’t it be a shock to him when you’re packed away to Scotland and he is forced to interact with this family without your influence. What will he think of our family then?”

“Very little, I’m sure.”

“I never!” she exclaimed, drawing back away from Sue.

“You really should work on your conversational skills, Mother. Society expects you to say more than two words in a discussion. I’m fairly certain that’s one of
your
rules.”

“Sue Green, you will soon be gone from this house, and I, for one, look forward to the day with great anticipation.”

“That reminds me, Mother. I should inform you that I won’t be going to live with Great-Aunt Mildred at the end of the season. I plan to go to Paris, sell my paintings on the streets, and tell everyone I speak with that you, Lady Rightworth of Rightworth House, are my mother. That is how proud I am of you and your treatment of me.”

She tilted her head and gave her mother a wide smile. “Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve had a trying afternoon, and I would like a bath and a tea cake—perhaps not in that order.”

She left her mother gaping at her in the hall as she climbed the stairs. That woman would never control her actions again. She would flee to France before she would continue to live under her mother’s rule after the season.

***

Sue had finished one painting and moved on to sketching bits of life outside her bedchamber window. If she kept her hands moving, creating, she wouldn’t have time to think about all that had happened yesterday. This was her plan. She sighed as she darkened a line on the paper. Her plan was admittedly not working, as she couldn’t keep her mind from returning to Holden again and again.

A light knock sounded at her bedchamber door. “Sue?”

“Come in,” she called out to Evangeline as she looked up from her sketch.

Her sister stepped into the room carrying a box and closed the door at her back, a mischievous grin covering her face.

“What is that?”

“It came for you.” Evangeline’s eyes flashed with glee as she set the box down on the small table where Sue’s tea from the morning sat abandoned. “With the mood Mother is in, I feared she would smash it before she would give it to you.”

Sue set her sketch pad down and crossed the room, her heart pounding. She couldn’t handle any more surprises, not after yesterday afternoon. Opening the lid on the box, she held her breath as she peered inside. Dark swirls of frosting dusted with white sugar sat inside a perfect ring of tiny candy flowers.

Chocolate cake. Damn him. She blinked away the tears in her eyes and inhaled the chocolate-scented air.

“There was no note, only instructions to deliver it to you. Who would send you such a gift?” Evangeline asked as she looked over Sue’s shoulder.

Sue smiled up at her sister before returning her gaze to the cake. “Someone who loves chocolate cake.” There was a small grain of truth. He loved cake. She frowned and shook her head. Somehow that truth mattered more than his mother’s existence or where he’d lived for the past eleven years.

Her hand gripped the edge of the table beside the box as she stumbled on her thoughts. He’d lived in so many places, always running… Freedom. Was that what he was searching for? Holden had fled the country to be free of his past. He wanted to live just as she did. And she’d berated him for it. She recoiled at the pang of guilt that surged through her at the thought.