Denial (44 page)
Nerves hit Amy’s stomach as she prepared her uniform for work. She reassured herself as she hung it up that everyone felt like this when they had time off. When Sandra had hustled her out of her apartment that night a few weeks ago, she had insisted that Amy stay with her. It didn’t take Sandra long to get information out of Amy. She was shocked when she realized that Amy had been locked up in her apartment, painting frantically, each night the same thing over and over again.
Amy tried to explain to Sandra that she had only been exorcising her demons and it should be looked on as nothing more than a cathartic experience. But it was only on returning to her apartment and looking around that Amy was left in no doubt that, for a period, she had lost it completely.
Amy was shocked to see, not only the volume of paintings she had produced, but also what they depicted. Somehow, she hadn’t understood how dark and oppressive her exhibition truly was. What had really taken her by surprise was the actual state of the apartment. She was shocked when she saw handprints over practically everything; every piece of furniture was ruined.
Amy shivered as she thought back to that night when Sandra had showed up. She grimaced as she remembered the look of horror on her face. It was only then that she fully saw what she had been painting. That was five weeks ago and for the last two, Amy, Sandra, and Neil had gutted her apartment and completely redecorated it. It had been hard work, but as Amy looked around her newly decorated pad, it was well worth it.
For the second time, Amy owed much of her recovery to Sandra. In Australia, she was a great friend. When Sandra thought she was ready, she had revealed to Amy that Colin had told her about her past. Unsurprisingly, Amy found Sandra an easy confidant and their conversations went a long way toward healing her. Now, more than ever, Amy was appreciative of Sandra’s friendship. In some ways, Sandra reminded her so much of Maggie, and she drew great comfort from that.
A few well-chosen colors and some new furniture made the apartment look terrific. Amy had to admit they had done a grand job.
The phone rang.
Amy picked it up. “Hello.”
It was Irene. Amy settled into the sofa, knowing this wouldn’t be a short call.
Over the phone Amy reassured her mother that everything was fine. Irene intended to visit with the girls in a few weeks. Amy told her that everything was ready, and there was nothing she needed.
Still Irene asked, “Are you sure you don’t need anything?”
Amy smiled and replied affectionately, “Look Mum, what part of
no
don’t you understand? Everything is ready for you and the girls. The flat has been given a complete makeover. Now relax, will you.”
Amy eventually got Irene off the phone with a promise that she would call her the next day.
†
Amy woke with a start. She felt for her watch and realized with surprise that she wasn’t wearing it. She rubbed her forehead and tried to think where it was then drew in a sharp breath when she realized she wasn’t in bed. Sitting up, she looked around in bewilderment then realized she was on a beach. She gasped when she noticed Celeste close by, lying on her side.
Amy stretched out her hand but wasn’t close enough to touch her. She leaned on her elbow and reached out again, but still, she wasn’t close enough to touch. She called to Celeste several times, but she didn’t respond. Eventually, she stood up and went to her, bending down she gently shook her, but Celeste wouldn’t stir.
Concerned, Amy shook her hard, but Celeste didn’t wake.
There was the sound of children’s laughter. Amy stood up and shaded her eyes. Looking out toward the ocean she could see Daniel and Naomi in the water, playing. She noted with surprise that there was a giant yellow sun in the sky, and feeling strangely light hearted, she smiled when a flock of big, black birds flew by.
Amy looked around her. The sky and the ocean seemed different somehow. She couldn’t believe the colors. Everything was so vibrant, so familiar. Like, she struggled to remember, like one of her paintings. No, she thought. It’s like the print that Alex sent of Daniel’s painting.
Looking around, Amy was aware of how surreal things seemed, and how sharply focused they were at the same time. She looked down. “Celeste, please wake up. You need to see this.” She looked around. “It’s paradise!”
Amy repeated Celeste’s name, louder this time. She bent down and shook her again, but still Celeste wouldn’t wake. She looked up sharply; the children’s laughter was getting louder as if they were coming closer.
Amy stood and looked out, but the children hadn’t moved. She shaded her eyes and watched them play. Even though everything felt strange, she smiled. Somehow, this felt right. After a moment, she frowned and rubbed her forehead trying to remember how she got here. A movement from the side of her vision caught her attention, a figure was moving toward them.
Amazed that, even from a distance, she could clearly make out the shape of a person, Amy frowned and thought it should be a complete blur. She chewed her bottom lip, unable to understand. Her attention fixed on the shape moving toward her. Intrigued, she studied it. The shape was tall and the walk familiar.
Wanting a better look, Amy moved forward a few steps. Her heartbeat quickened as the figure moved closer. She turned her head and looked at Celeste. She was still sleeping. She looked back at the figure and caught her breath.
Amy exhaled heavily before whispering, “No. It can’t be! It’s impossible!”
The figure progressed toward her with a steady pace. Impatient, Amy moved toward it fast, needing to get close so she could see more clearly who it was.
Knowing this couldn’t be real and unable to believe her own eyes, Amy uttered, “It can’t be? It can’t. It can’t be…
Maggie?
”
Amy broke out into a run, quickly closing the distance between them. Without a thought she fell into Maggie’s arms. Unable to believe it was truly her, Amy kissed her face all over as tears streamed down her own. She hugged her cousin and, needing to be convinced, cried out, “It’s you, isn’t it?” She grabbed Maggie’s arms firmly. “It is you, isn’t it?” She laughed wildly. “It’s definitely you!” She looked at Maggie incredulously. “I can feel you!” She ran her hands up and down the redhead’s arms in wonderment. “You’re skin and bone!” she said excitedly. “I can definitely feel you.”
Amy looked at her with elation. “You’re real, aren’t you?” she said as she hugged Maggie and laughed heartily. “You’re so real.” She held her tight. “You’re so very, very real! I’ve missed you so much, Maggie. I can’t believe you’re here!”
Maggie kissed her back. “I’ve missed you too, jellybean,” she replied gently.
For the next few minutes, they danced around hugging and kissing each other.
Eventually Maggie stopped, but still held Amy in her arms.
Amy was grinning so wide she thought her face might split. She looked at her cousin and her heart missed a beat. She looked around, hoping against hope.
“Maggie,” Amy hesitated, and looked around once more. Almost too frightened to ask, she uttered, “Are they here with you?” She gripped Maggie’s arms and said in growing excitement, “I mean…the boys. Are the boys here with you?”
Maggie smiled and nodded. “Yes, jellybean, they’re here.”
Amy’s legs went weak. She leaned into Maggie. “Where?” She looked frantically around her. “Where are they, Maggie?”
“They’re over the sand dunes, Amy,” Maggie said, pointing westward.
Unable to believe that she was minutes away from seeing her sons, Amy excitedly grabbed Maggie’s hands and pulled her toward the dunes. “Let’s go Maggie,” she said feverishly. ”Let’s go and get them.”
Maggie pulled Amy back into her arms and smiled. “No need,” she replied comfortingly. “They’re safe.”
Confused, Amy pulled out of her cousin’s arms and looked at her. Beginning to feel uneasy she said, “I want to see them, Maggie.” Then firming her voice, insisted, “I want to go to see them now, Maggie!”
Maggie, still smiling, moved closer and stroking Amy’s face said softly, “Jellybean, you can’t.”
Amy’s stomach heaved, she sobbed. “Please, Maggie. Please.”
The redhead pulled Amy back into her arms. Unable to hold back, Amy sobbed hard. Maggie held her tight and cooed, “Let it all out, jellybean.”
Amy cried inconsolably.
Eventually, she looked at Maggie. “I miss you so much.” She closed her eyes. “I miss the boys so, so much.” Tears flowed. “I’m so sorry I didn’t go with you that weekend.”
Maggie lifted Amy’s chin, smiled at her then kissed her forehead. “It’s all right, jellybean. It’s all right.” She shushed Amy as she protested.
Hurting, and not wanting to hear Maggie’s words, Amy pulled out of her arms. “Please, Maggie, come with me to get the boys.”
Maggie shook her head. “No.”
Amy stared at her, then stomped her foot into the sand and insisted that she see her boys.
Maggie was unrelenting. Amy tried again. She begged the redhead to take her to see them.
“No,” Maggie said, shaking her head.
Amy looked at Maggie with pleading eyes, then hanging her head moved off toward the sand dunes, leaving her cousin behind. She walked slowly, but soon excitement overtook her at the thought of seeing her boys. She started to run but quickly realized that no matter how much ground she covered, she wasn’t nearing the dunes. Feeling the heat, she slowed to a jog then slowed to a walk. Eventually, exhausted, she stopped and stared at the dunes. She was no closer. It seemed the more she moved toward them, the more they moved away.
Maggie shimmered in front of her.
In shock, Amy staggered back. She looked back to where Maggie should have been no more than a blip on the horizon. She stared at her cousin and stuttered, “How…how did you do that?”
Maggie moved closer and taking her cousin into her arms, let out a real belly laugh. Obviously loving that she had surprised Amy, she eventually managed to say, “It’s good isn’t it?” She laughed hard.
The shock left Amy and was quickly replaced with laughter. She had forgotten how much of a tease Maggie was. She joined her, when the redhead let out another raucous laugh.
Amy was laughing hard when Maggie looked past her. She stopped laughing. She looked at Amy and said in a serious tone, “Jellybean, there’s no need to worry. They’re fine. I’m looking after the boys.” She tenderly swept sticky hair from Amy’s forehead, “Just as I’ve always done. Just as I always did with you.”
“I miss you.”
“I know,” Maggie said, rubbing Amy’s arms. “Amy, everything happens for a reason, great love as well as great loss. They happen to test the limits of our souls.” She smiled at Amy. “Without these tests, life would be a straight, flat road; safe, dull, and completely and utterly pointless.”
Blinking, Amy looked at Maggie with confusion.
Maggie looked over Amy’s shoulder. “Now listen to me,” she said anxiously. “You need to focus on what I’m saying.” She looked at Amy. “She will need you. Go to—”
Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Amy woke with a start. Heart pounding, she sat up and dazedly looked around her. Reaching over, she hit her alarm. “Dream,” she told herself as she wiped a hand over her sweating face. “A dream,” she reassured, running her hands through her hair. Eyes wide, she breathed in and out until she calmed.
Waves of crippling sadness washed over Amy, when she finally understood it was just a dream.
“Glad your first day’s over?” Sandra asked as she tucked into Chinese takeout.
Amy nodded.
Sandra chewed on her food. “It always takes me a few days to get back into the swing of things.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I’m fine, Sandra,” Amy said, putting down her fork, she lifted her glass of juice.
Sandra nodded. “I know.”
They ate in silence.
“What’s on your mind?” Sandra asked, scooping a forkful of noodles into her mouth.
Amy looked at her friend and shook her head. “Nothing, I’m just tired.”
“Amy,” Sandra responded. “I know you.”
Amy smiled. “I know.”
Sandra wrapped some more noodles around her fork. “Are you going to tell me?”
Amy sighed. “I had a dream last night, that’s all. And it’s on my mind.”
“What kind of dream?”
“Vivid,” Amy replied. Losing her appetite, she got up and moved toward the garbage can.
“And?”
Amy flipped the lid and emptied her plate. “
And
,” she answered, moving around the kitchen. “I don’t know.” She put her plate in the dishwasher. “I don’t really know what it was about.” She shook her head. “But Maggie was there, and it felt real. She felt real.”
“Maybe it was,” Sandra replied, pushing her plate aside.
“What?”
“What did Maggie say?”
“I’m not sure,” Amy said, shaking her head.
“Think.”
“Why are you so interested?” Amy asked, frowning.
“Because sometimes these things can be really important.”
Amy shrugged. “It was a dream, that’s all.”
“Was there anyone else there?” Sandra asked, picking up her beer bottle.
Amy raised her eyebrows. It never ceased to amaze her how sharp Sandra was. “Celeste,” she replied, throwing the empty containers in the bin. “Celeste and the boys were there.”
“They say dreams that appear so vivid, that seem real, happen like so that we can be communicated with—”
“Don’t,” Amy said. “Whatever, you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.”
Sandra took a deep breath then exhaled. “When I was married, I lost a baby.”
Startled, Amy looked at her friend. “You never told me.”
“Skeletons in closets have a habit of staying there, Amy,” Sandra replied, shrugging. “Anyway, you knew about the marriage.”
“I knew you were married, but that’s about it.”
“What is there to know? He was arse who left me for another woman. End of story.”
Amy returned to her seat and took Sandra’s hand. “What happened?”
Sandra looked at their hands. “She died when she was a few months old.”
Amy’s grip tightened.
“I’m so sorry.”
Sandra nodded. “Her name was Mia,” she said, the pain shining bright in her eyes. “After my Gran.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sandra’s eyes widened. “Do you really need me to tell you why?”
“Okay, point taken.” Amy smiled. “We’re even. No more secrets.”
“Agreed.” Sandra sipped her beer. “The bastard left me when I was pregnant. Eight months to be exact.”
Amy closed her eyes briefly.
“I blamed him at first.” Sandra sighed. “Then I blamed myself.”
Amy reached out and stroked her friend’s face. “I’m here for you. Tell me.”
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Sandra replied. “One minute she was healthy, next minute she had heart problems. Tears brimmed then fell from her eyes. “Congenital cardiovascular malformations.” She sniffed. “Her wee heart gave out. They didn’t pick it up. There was nothing they could do.” She wiped her face with the corner of her sleeve and sniffed again. “There was nothing I could do.”
Amy moved out of her chair and hugged Sandra.
“I blamed myself. Thought it was because of the split,” Sandra said, holding Amy tightly. “But, in retrospect, I totally focused on not getting stressed in anyway during the pregnancy.” Sandra looked at Amy. “I can’t really blame him. I was in a marriage that should never have happened and I was glad to be rid of him, to be honest.” She smiled through her tears. “I’ve already told you he was an arse?”
“Aye.” Tears falling, Amy laughed. “I think you’ve mentioned that already.”
Sandra let Amy go. She rubbed her wet nose. “Amy, I’m dripping all over the place, any chance of a tissue?”
Sniffing, Amy nodded. “I need one too.” She got up and brought back a box of tissues. She passed Sandra a handful.
Sandra looked at the bundle. “Crikey, my nose isn’t that big!”
“No?” Amy teased. “Let me know when you’re going to blow. I’ll take cover.”
Sandra laughed. “Any chance of a cup of tea,” she asked. “To finish off the night.”
“No problem.” Amy replied. She put the kettle on.
“Anyway, the whole point of me telling you this is that I had a dream,” Sandra said. “Just like yours. It was vivid. So vivid, that every detail has stayed with me.” She looked off into the distance then shivered slightly.
Putting the cups out, Amy noticed that her hands were shaking. Sandra must have noticed too because she got out of her chair and came to her. Taking Amy’s trembling hands in hers, she gave them a reassuring squeeze before moving over to the fridge.
“When my Gran died I was in my mid-twenties,” Sandra said, taking out the milk. “She brought me up, you know.”
“What happened to your folks,” Amy asked with concern.
“Nothing really,” Sandra replied. “Nothing that dramatic, anyway.” She shrugged. “I’m the product of a teenage pregnancy; a one-night-stand.”
Amy looked at Sandra.
“I never knew who my dad was, and my mum,” Sandra said, shaking her head, “she was too young to cope. My gran fell into the role of looking after me.” An affectionate look crossed Sandra’s face “She was a great old biddy, brilliant to the end.”
Amy filled the teapot with hot water.
“In my dream,” Sandra said, taking the milk top off the carton. “Gran was standing with her arms out to me, wanting me to pass Mia to her, but I didn’t want to. I was crying really hard.” She looked at Amy. “You know, that way when you cry so hard you can’t get your breath.”
Pouring tea into the cups, Amy nodded.
“But she kept smiling and telling me it was okay.” Sandra passed Amy the milk. “That she would look after her, and that I wasn’t to worry. That she would look after my baby, like she had me.”
Amy stirred the milk into the cups and not looking at Sandra said, “Maggie told me the same.”
Nodding, Sandra came close to Amy. “Did she?” she encouraged.
Amy nodded. “What does it mean?”
Sandra picked up a steaming cup. “I don’t know.” She paused. “It could mean everything. It could mean nothing.” She blew into the cup. “I’m not very religious, but maybe it’s not all over when you die. Maybe there’s something more.” She looked at Amy. “All I know is that we don’t have all the answers. On a bad day, I get a lot of comfort knowing that maybe Mia is being looked after by someone I love.”
Amy picked up her cup.
Sandra sipped her tea. “What did Maggie say?”
Amy tensed. Her voice choked up a little. “That she had the boys.”
“Good,” Sandra said. “What did she say about Celeste?”
Amy looked at her in surprise. “She…I…” She shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Tell me. We agreed. No more secrets.”
Amy inhaled and, evading the question, replied, “Celeste was beside me on the beach.”
“What was she doing?”
“Nothing,” Amy shrugged. “She was lying on the sand and I couldn’t wake her. And then Maggie appeared.” She shook her head in frustration. “It felt so real.”
“What did Maggie want?”
Amy sipped her tea, then replied, “I don’t know.”
Sandra wrapped her fingers around the cup. “Yes, you do.”
Amy drew in her breath. “She told me that the boys were safe.”
“What else?”
“Sandra.” Amy sighed in frustration. “It was a dream!”
Sandra sipped her tea. Raising her eyebrows, she said, “Humor me. What did she say about Celeste?”
Staring into her cup, Amy replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Yes, you are.”
Unsure of where this was going, Amy looked at Sandra.
“What do you think she was trying to tell you?”
“I don’t know.” Amy closed her eyes briefly. “I wish it hadn’t happened. It sharpens everything. Makes me realize how much I miss them.”
“I know.”
“Why does it have to be so hard?”
“It’s not that it’s hard, Amy. It’s painful.” Sandra looked at Amy intently. “It’s time,” she added. “You’re struggling because you already know what to do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in so much pain.”
“It’s almost unbearable sometimes,” Amy said, letting Sandra in.
Sandra nodded. “What did she say about Celeste?”
Amy’s mouth firmed and she shook her head.
Sandra looked at Amy for a long moment. “I married for all the wrong reasons, you know, Amy,” she said. “He was fifteen years older than me.” She looked into her cup. “He was ready to settle. But I was literally just out of the pram when we got together.” She smiled wryly. “He liked his women young.”
Amy looked surprised.
Pain showed on Sandra’s face. She looked out the window.
Amy waited.
“I’d been brought up by my gran,” Sandra said eventually. “She loved me to pieces, but didn’t have two pennies to rub together.” Sandra closed her eyes. “When I was young, I wanted it all. I dreamed about having a big house, fancy car, luxury holidays, and the white picket fence. I wanted all of it. So, I made a promise to myself that I was going to get it, but I didn’t know how.” She opened her eyes and focused on Amy. “Until Stuart came along.”
A shiver ran down Amy’s spine. She had never seen Sandra’s eyes so cold.
“Gran didn’t want me to marry him. She knew the truth, you see. She knew I didn’t love him and that it was the financial security I was after. She knew even before I did.” Her eyes widened. “All I could see were gifts and treats, nothing else. I couldn’t see past the money.” She breathed in deeply. “And he was difficult, in all the ways that a selfish person can be difficult.”
Intrigued, Amy sipped her tea.
“Everything that could go wrong, did!” Sandra’s eyes glittered. “No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough.” She looked down. “And within a year, it was me that wasn’t enough. He took lovers, and God, did he have an appetite for women.” She shook her head in disbelief. “But I didn’t leave, I stayed. Got used to the money you see.” She looked at Amy. “And he knew it. He knew he had me. He knew he’d bought me. So, he did what he liked and I pretended not to see it.”