Denial (42 page)

Celeste growled. Impatience, brewing in her face, she said carefully, “Mom, I don’t think that’s relevant right now. Do you?”

Camille said soothingly, “No darling, of course not.” She straightened. “You never answered my question.”

Celeste frowned.

“Does Amy know?”

Celeste looked at her mother and realized that she may be kooky, but she was as sharp as a tack. “Yes, Amy knows. But, before you start,” she held up her hand again, “she doesn’t want a relationship,” she said, deciding the best way to handle this was to keep it simple and let her mother think that it was unrequited love.

Camille visibly relaxed. Celeste suddenly realized that her mother had probably carried the suspicion that Celeste and Amy had had an affair, and no matter how sympathetic her mother wanted to be that reality would have been distasteful to her.

Wanting to end the conversation, Celeste turned around and washed her mug. She watched the water run through her fingers and wondered if what she felt for Amy would ever be allowed to be like the water: clear, pure and healthy.

It all seemed so complicated; how could Celeste explain that what she felt for Amy was unfettered and uncomplicated always had been. She realized that what she felt for Amy had never wavered. Like the water running through her fingers, it was a constant stream that flowed without doubt. Being with Amy had never felt anything but right.

Celeste turned to her mother and felt a wave of love. How unique you are, she thought. Here you are, trying to accept that your daughter loves, not only a woman, but the woman who is still married to your son and who gave birth to your grandchildren, the same grandchildren that you now miss desperately.

Celeste wondered how truly crazy this entire situation must seem to her. She had newfound respect for her mother. Going to Camille, she hugged her. “Mom, I love you, and I appreciate you making this effort.” She looked at her. “But right now, I am finding my own feet, and I would appreciate if you don’t say anything to anyone, especially Amy. It has taken a lot for her to be here, and she has her own demons to face. I think she should be allowed to focus on what she needs to do, which is to find some closure. Okay?”

Camille smiled then nodded. Standing, she followed Celeste outside.

Tonight, Kate and her husband, Sam, were taking Celeste’s children out with their own two kids.

Celeste hadn’t spent any time alone with Amy. She had swapped shifts this evening to remedy that. Amy was due to return to Glasgow soon after Christmas, and Celeste needed time with her.

Celeste sighed, aware that by the look on her mother’s face that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. Camille, she knew, was going nowhere. Needing to release some of the tension that was building within her, Celeste kissed the kids goodbye and told her mom she was going for a swim.

Celeste quickly changed into a bikini and headed for the water. Swimming out, she felt the tension leave her. She loved the feel of the water; it soothed her like nothing else could. She thought back to when she and Nick bought the house, just after they married. When they divorced, it was part of her settlement.

Back then, it was ramshackle and Nick didn’t want anything to do with it. Fortunately, her father happily carried out the extensive renovation. At the time, she was too restless to enjoy the finished property. Back then, she had desperately needed to get away and explore the world, but now the house and its location on Lido Beach were just perfect for her and, in particular, her children.

Celeste wondered fleetingly how differently Amy would have designed the house, had they bought it together. Pulled up short by her thoughts, she stopped swimming.
 

Looking around, Celeste was surprised that she couldn’t see the shoreline. She’d been so deep in thought she had swam much farther than she intended. Words of warning from her old swimming coach flashed in her mind—it’s always the strongest swimmers who drown first he often told her. As a young swimmer, she had never truly understood what he meant but now, as she resisted swimming on, she knew that it was a swimmer’s overconfidence in their ability that eventually brought them down. Turning, she swam back toward the shore.

Drawing closer, Celeste saw Amy and Camille out on the deck. Her pulse thrummed in her ears. Even though she was confident of her mother’s discretion, she still felt a strong sense of disquiet now that Camille knew some of the truth.

Celeste swam the remaining distance quickly, then walked slowly back to the house.

†

Camille was delighted that Amy seemed so genuinely happy to see her. She could not believe the change in her. Camille had always thought of Amy as a child, even though she knew her to be a woman. She had always looked much younger than her years. But now, the person who sat before her was a woman of her years, and all the more beautiful with it.

Camille smiled, feeling such relief that Amy was here. She had missed her so much and thought of her every day. When Amy had chosen to go, she had left a brief note for Josh, which, as it turned out, said nothing of importance other than she would not be back. Although shocked that Amy had gone, somehow, in her heart it did not surprise her. Camille understood that her daughter-in-law was broken. The loss of the children and her dear cousin, Maggie, had taken everything from her, and with nothing left, it appeared that the people around her were no longer enough.

Every day, Camille prayed that Amy would return, and now, here she was. She reached over and patted Amy’s hand. Amy looked at her, smiled and covered her hand with her own.

Camille looked at the hand that held hers and noticed small scars. She stroked Amy’s hand reassuringly and tried to hide the sadness that filled her as she realized that this woman would never be the same young woman she once knew.

They sat in silence watching as Celeste approached. Camille looked at Celeste taking pride in the fact that her daughter was not only very beautiful, but looked in excellent physical shape. A lot of that is down to her parents’ good genes, Camille decided. Celeste’s father was so handsome.

Camille was caught off guard when she saw Amy’s face flush and a pulse begin to throb violently in her neck as Celeste approached them.

It took Camille seconds to realize that it was her daughter who was having this effect on Amy. To her surprise, instead of feeling upset she was delighted to find she was filled with a sense of relief. Sitting back, Camille thought, I may be getting old, but regardless, I can still recognize that look when I see it. She watched Amy. Well, well. So, it is not all one-way after all.

Camille watched as her daughter approached and, patting Amy’s hand, prayed that this young woman would find it in her heart to trust Celeste. She closed her eyes briefly and vowed silently, I promise you this, Amy, your love could not be in better hands.

Chapter 49

Feeling the heat, Alex took off his jacket and made his way along the beach. He smiled when he saw Amy sitting on a blanket with a picnic basket. His smile quickly faded when he realized they had hardly spent any time together since she’d arrived.

Walking closer, Alex saw Celeste and Colin in the water with the kids.

He looked at Amy and noted with surprise that she had a sketchpad.

Walking toward Amy, Alex thought how truly stunning she was. Her yellow hair was loose around her shoulders. She was tanned and looking healthy. She wore a loose-fitting white linen shirt and linen shorts. Looking at her, Alex could clearly see why Celeste was so in love with her. He grinned, knowing that Amy hadn’t painted in many years and was surprised and delighted to see her sketching now. This is a good sign, he thought, quickening his step.

Alex looked out to Celeste. He frowned. Celeste, in his mind, was becoming more withdrawn. Although she was trying to hide it, he was aware that Amy being here was causing her tremendous strain. It was time for that wake-up call, he thought.

Approaching Amy, Alex watched her. He followed her eyes; she was watching Celeste and the kids intently. So intently that she didn’t notice him nearing. He stopped and followed her gaze, noting that she was watching Celeste mostly. She wants her, he thought. She wants her and Colin’s right, we need to help her see it.

“Hi,” Alex said and sat down on the blanket.

Amy looked at him in surprise then pulled the sketchpad to her chest. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Alex looked out to the water. “Don’t you think Celeste is looking thinner?”

Amy looked at Celeste then shrugged.

Alex’s hackles rose. Hating that she was so dismissive, he closed his eyes, briefly aware he was about to step into the unknown. “She isn’t coping.”

Amy placed her sketchpad facedown.

Alex looked at the blonde, surprised that she didn’t ask him what he meant. Putting tact aside, he forged ahead. “Amy, she needs you and it’s obvious you want her.”

Amy didn’t appear surprised by his frankness. She leaned back on her elbows, looked at him and then slowly turned her gaze to Celeste.

“Since you left she hasn’t had anyone in her life, Amy. Not a single person.” Alex looked out to Celeste. “She just couldn’t.” He paused. “After you left, at first I thought she would go insane.” He shook his head, remembering. “I mean, I really did. She lost focus and direction,” he said, looking at her intently. “Did you know she tried to find you?”
 

Amy looked at him and shook her head.

Alex frowned. There was no emotion in Amy’s eyes. “Celeste begged Irene to tell her where you were.” He pursed his lips before adding, “Well, you know yourself she didn’t know anything.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Amy, I know she hasn’t told you, but the only thing that kept her going was the kids.” Wanting some response, he asked, “Do you understand what I’m saying. Losing you almost destroyed her. She loves you desperately. Always has.”

Amy sat up and Alex took her hands. “It was never a game for her, Amy.” He exhaled, and feeling like he was taking his life in his hands, added, “You can’t keep punishing her for the loss of Maggie and the boys.”

Amy flinched.

“She had no control over any of it,” Alex added earnestly. “All she wanted to do was be with you, love you. Surely, you realize that. She needs you, as you need her. Look at them Amy.” He looked out. “We are your family.”

Amy visibly choked and pulled her hands from Alex’s. “Are you quite finished?”

Alex’s stomach churned. Something was seriously wrong.

“Are you?”

He nodded.

Amy locked eyes with him. He looked into her clear turquoise-blue eyes and his heart began to pound.

 
“If that’s how you want to play it, Alex,” Amy said coldly. “Then that’s okay by me.” She didn’t hesitate. “Yes, Alex, I do blame her.” She looked at Celeste. “I blame her for the affair.”

Alex’s brow broke out in sweat. Knowing it was risky ground but not wanting Celeste to take all the blame, he asked quietly, “Do you think you could have stopped it?”

Amy’s eyebrows rose. “Probably not,” she said with a note of resignation. “Not back then.” She ran her hands through her hair. “You were there, Alex. You saw how addicted I was to Celeste. You saw how much control she had over me.”
 

Alex cringed at the word control. Wanting to push the conversation away from the harsh word, he asked the question he had been waiting years to ask. “Do you love her?”

Amy straightened. She looked at him, cocking her head to one side. “Love!” she said mockingly. “What exactly do you think that love is going to do, Alex? Change everything?” Her eyes gleamed with a coldness he had never seen before. “That suddenly all is forgiven? That we’ll skip off and live as one big happy family?”

Alex looked at her, surprised at the sharpness of her tone.

“Well, it won’t,” Amy said with finality. “Do you want to know the truth?” Not waiting for his response, she answered in a low tone as she looked at Celeste. “I am infested with her.”

Alex drew in a sharp breath.

She looked at him then leaned her face to within inches of his. “Do you know what that feels like, Alex?” she asked bitterly. “To crave someone you want to hate?”

Stunned, Alex dropped his head into his hands. This wasn’t turning out how he had planned it at all. He turned her words over in his head:
infested...hate.

Amy leaned back. “Even now,” she said, “even after everything, the pull is still as strong. Sometimes it is so overwhelming,” she added softly, her voice belying the anger that stoked her eyes, “that all I want to do is to tear her to shreds so I can breathe.”

Looking at her, Alex watched her metaphorically remove the pin from the grenade and launch it, blowing Celeste and everything he had hoped for out of the water.

Feeling tired, Alex shook his head, realizing that he was delusional—more romantic than realist. Being an English Lit teacher he decided, as he dug his hands into the baking hot sand, had curbed his view of the world. He said brokenly, “You really are punishing her, aren’t you?”

Amy stared at him as he shook his head. “You’re punishing her by staying close to her.” He added slowly. “Denying her.”

Amy stared at him coldly, her face emotionless.

He leaned in. “God, Amy,” he said. “You really know what you’re doing. Don’t you?
 
Fuck, how I wish you could see that her love for you isn’t ugly. She wasn’t having a dirty little affair with you just for her own entertainment.” Alex looked at her, his eyes filling up with tears. “You know she adores Josh.” He thrust his hand out and pointing to the ocean, said angrily, “She’s the one who hasn’t breathed in years, because of you. Because of what
you’ve
made her feel—love, passion, obsession, whatever the fuck it is that you two have. All those things arrived with you, Amy.
With you!
” Wanting her to take some responsibility, Alex wiped the tears from his eyes. “The reason you two came together was simply through love, Amy. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

Amy reached out and held his arm tightly. “So what, Alex,” she said. “People fall in love all the time.” There was bitterness in her tone. “But most people make the choice to bury it and move on, if it involves tearing their own family apart.”

Alex knew he was losing ground. “You can’t continue to punish her for loving you,” he said in frustration. “Their death was an accident and you need to see that. You must see that she loves you with everything she has.” Tears fell, as he pleaded, “You must see that what you’re doing is destroying her.”

Alex’s jaw loosened when Amy turned to look at Celeste, “Oh, I know it is, Alex,” she said chillingly. “But it’s her choice.”

Alex shook his head in disbelief. His mind filled with all the pivotal, but doomed, love affairs in the world of literature. He thought about the thin line between love and hate. His face paled as he realized that Amy might have crossed it.

Amy shifted. “Alex, I told her in Glasgow that I couldn’t give her anything anymore. But she used the children.” She stood. “Don’t you get it, Alex?” She looked at him as if he were thick. “She’s always had a choice. But she gave me none. I had a family. I was married to her brother,
her brother
, for God’s sake, and I didn’t want to have an affair with her. She left me with no choice.” She turned her head and looking at Celeste said accusingly, “But she had a choice. I asked her to let me go and she refused, and she still refuses.”

Alex knew the one thing that Amy was denying was that their affair was inevitable, the attraction between them too strong. But everything had gone horribly wrong. Somehow, he had expected that if he spoke to Amy and was honest, she would see the truth. He looked at her with disbelief and realized how seriously they had underestimated her anger and resentment.

Amy touched his arm. “Alex,” she said gently. “I’m sorry. I know it isn’t what you want to hear. I know you want a fairytale ending, but you’re not going to get one. I don’t want to blame her, but being here has made me realize that I do.” She stood and walked from Alex toward the house.

Alex stared after Amy. Reaching over, he flipped over her sketchpad. Startled, he blinked a few times. The hair rose on the back of his neck as he looked down at a grotesque caricature of Celeste.

†

Watching Alex from the window, Amy poured some water into a glass. Ho
w dare he?
How dare he think he could give a pep talk and then everything would be okay? What did he expect?
 
She thought. That I would flounce into Celeste’s arms after his little speech?

Looking out the window, Amy watched Colin approach Alex. She drank some water and watched Alex’s hands gesticulate when Colin took the sketchpad from him and looked at it. She caught her breath when Celeste approached them. She watched Colin slowly give her the pad.

Celeste never once lifted her eyes from the sketchpad while Alex spoke to her. When he finished, she straightened. Her arms falling to her sides, she moved slowly toward the house.

Amy placed her glass carefully on the kitchen work surface. She turned to face the door.

Celeste entered and stood across from Amy. Her movements slow, she put the sketchpad down on the table.
 

After a few moments Celeste spoke. “I had hoped being here would allow you to find some closure; would allow us to, somehow, put the past behind us. Allow us to build something together. A friendship? A relationship? It didn’t matter what it was. I would have accepted anything. Any morsel you were prepared to give.” Celeste smiled derisively. “It seems very naïve of me, doesn’t it?” she said, searching Amy’s face. “Naive to hope that loving you would be enough?”

Amy stared transfixed at Celeste but said nothing. She focused on Celeste’s lips, drinking in their fullness. Her pulse quickened. The sexual tension that had been building since they had made love a few months ago thrust forward as it had that day she sat on the deck watching Celeste emerge from the ocean. Again, it forged into one moment of absolute need.

Amy closed her eyes briefly, in despair, when a pool of desire flooded her. She turned to look out of the window and carefully, monitored her breathing.

“That night in your apartment when we first made love, it was so unexpected,” Celeste said, bending her head. “Believe me, I prayed, Amy. I desperately wanted not to want you. But whatever happened that night, you touched me. You made me feel things that no one ever had.”

They stood in silence.

Celeste eventually spoke. “Because you were marrying Josh, and…” she hesitated, “and because you were carrying his child…children, I kept away. Hoping what I felt for you would pass. That it was some weird infatuation. But when I came home, the feelings intensified. They were so intense; so new, so uncontrollable. At the beginning, I was genuinely confused. I actually believed that if we got together the infatuation would burn itself out.”