Denial (29 page)

“Yes, it does.” Celeste placed her hands on either side of Amy’s head. “Listen to me, it matters. You matter. Believe me, there has been no one else.” Celeste brought Amy’s mouth to her and kissed her. Immediately, she felt the fight leave Amy.

They kissed intensely.

As if needing to restake her claim, Amy pulled Celeste’s top out of her shorts and ran her hand urgently up and down her back before cupping her breasts.

Celeste groaned when Amy said, “Inside. Now!”

†

Surprised that the front door was open, Irene entered the house carrying plant cuttings for Amy. She made her way through the house to the garden, stopping in the kitchen to put the cuttings on the work surface.
 

About to shout out hello, Irene was surprised when she looked out the patio doors and saw Amy and Celeste in the backyard, arguing. Frowning, she watched.

Irene couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could tell that it was an intense argument. She watched her daughter peel off her garden gloves and yell something at Celeste.

Unsure what to do, Irene watched them continue to argue, until, unable to believe her eyes, she saw Amy slap Celeste hard across the face. Irene started toward the door, only to stop when Celeste pulled Amy into her arms. She moved again when Amy tried to pull away, but Celeste held her tight, and let out a gasp when Celeste kissed her. Stunned, her hand flew to her mouth when her daughter kissed Celeste with a hunger that astounded her.

Swiftly, Irene turned her back on them and left the house. She got into her car and sat for a moment trying to gather her thoughts.
Her baby girl. My God
, she thought in shock,
Amy with Celeste!

Irene rested her head on the steering wheel. She had always thought that Amy and Josh were an extremely happy couple and never once thought there was a problem with their marriage. To see Amy kiss Celeste like
that
completely floored her.
Why?
she thought.
Why has this happened, and how long has it been going on?

Feeling a sense of dread wash through her, Irene couldn’t believe her daughter and Celeste were… She couldn’t bring herself to put a name to it. Needing time to think, she started the car and drove to the beach.

Watching waves crash against the rocks, Irene decided she needed to find out what was going on. The best place to start, she thought, was with Celeste. She knew, after speaking to Camille, that she was working this evening. Whether Celeste liked it or not, Irene decided she was going to pay her a visit.

†

After a few pleasantries with Celeste, Irene got right to the point. “This morning, I saw you and Amy together.” She hesitated. “You kissed.”

Celeste sat back in her chair. When told she had a visitor, the last person she expected to see was Irene.

Irene continued, “To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’ve always thought Josh and Amy were happy. It never entered my head that she needed something outside her marriage with a man, never mind,” she stopped, looked at Celeste and added gently, “a woman.”

Feeling extremely uncomfortable, Celeste lifted her coffee cup and drank from it.

Looking solemn, Irene asked, “What’s going on Celeste?”

Gathering her thoughts, Celeste continued to drink her coffee.

Irene waited.

Celeste knew she owed Irene some kind of explanation and decided to be frank.
 
“We’re involved.”

Irene sat back. “When?
Why?
”

Celeste wished she could spare Irene this. Over the last few months Amy had confided about her past, about how difficult it was not having her mother in her life. She knew they were building a relationship and was only too aware how much Amy loved getting to know her younger sisters.

“We’ve been together for a few months,” Celeste replied. “Why? Well, we’ve been,” she paused when Irene’s face paled, “we’ve been attracted to each other from the beginning.”

“I didn’t even know you were gay.” Irene said. Her eyes narrowed. “How did this happen?”

“Irene, this has not been easy for either of us. If I told you how hard we tried to fight it…” Celeste looked at Irene intently. “I haven’t been home in four years, mostly in order to try to put some distance between us. But, when I came back, it…well…” Celeste struggled, not wanting to explain too fully. “We couldn’t stop it.”

“Four years ago?” Irene said astonished. “And
now?
”

Celeste frowned. She looked at her pager when it buzzed. “It seemed simple. A brief affair would burn it out.” She stood. “I need to go.”

Irene grabbed Celeste’s arm and asked, “And for you, Celeste. Has it burned itself out for you?”

Surprised by the softness in Irene’s tone, Celeste looked at the older woman.

Irene sighed then asked with a note of sincerity, “Are you in love with Amy?”

Celeste meant to shake her head and say no, but instead she nodded. She said slowly in recognition of the truth, “Yes…yes, I’ve been in love with Amy for a very long time.”

Irene looked at her intently. “And Amy?”

“I don’t know how she feels.”

“Does she know how you feel?”

Celeste looked at Irene quizzically.
 

“Have you told her?”

“No,” Celeste replied. “And she doesn’t want to know.” She picked up her empty coffee cup and crumpled it. “We agreed this would happen for a brief time only. Amy has it planned out. Soon it will be over.” She looked down at Irene and exhaled deeply. “I know you must think that I am an appalling person. Josh is my brother. Believe me, Irene, I had no choice. I love Amy and I…couldn’t fight it any longer.”

“I understand, Celeste,” Irene said, looking at her with a pained expression. “I understand only too well. I still carry the scars from decisions I’ve made.” Still holding Celeste’s arm, she asked, “But if you knew you felt this way, why didn’t you continue to stay away? Why come back?”

Celeste’s eyebrows drew together. “I couldn’t stay away forever. I have plans. And,” she hesitated, “when I came back, I had convinced myself that it had passed. I didn’t recognize that it was love.”

“What are you going to do now?”

Celeste’s voice broke slightly and raw pain flashed across her eyes when she replied quietly, “What else, but stick to the arrangement.”

Turning, Celeste walked away from Irene.

Chapter 36

It was early evening and Amy was running late. She had promised Maggie that she would quit early.
Her cousin was taking the twins camping this weekend and the boys were barely able to contain their excitement at the idea of camping

Amy felt a twinge of guilt. Josh was in Seattle for a few weeks. Although her workload was heavy, the reality was that her client wouldn’t be in town until next week. Unable to resist the opportunity to spend a few days with Celeste, she had let her cousin think that she needed to work this weekend.

Standing at her car, Amy searched through her bag for her car keys. She scratched her head; she could have sworn that she had picked them up from the office. Emptying the contents out on the ground, she searched through the pile.

A hand tapped her shoulder.

Losing her balance, Amy toppled. Sprawled against the car, she looked up to see her mother.

“For God’s sake, Irene,” Amy said. “You almost gave me a heart attack. What are you doing here?”

“Amy, we need to talk,” Irene replied, helping Amy up.

Looking down, Amy saw all her things scattered around her feet. Sighing, she bent down to gather them up. Packing her shoulder bag hurriedly, she promised herself that she was going to stop using bags that could easily hide small countries. Collecting the last item, she asked. “Is everything okay?
 
There’s nothing wrong with Bruce or the girls is there?”

“No. Everyone is okay,” Irene hesitated. “It’s about you and Celeste, actually.”

Standing slowly, Amy stared wide-eyed at her mother.

Blood pounding in her ears, her mind worked frantically
. Oh my God,
she knows! How does she know? What does she know? Who else knows?

“The park is close by. Let’s find a quiet spot there and talk,” Irene said gently.

Stunned, Amy followed her mother as she headed quickly toward the park.

After they settled on a park bench, Irene, always a straight talker, explained how she knew. Amy sat quietly and listened. Unable to make eye contact, she looked straight ahead. Color periodically stained then drained from her face as Irene explained what she witnessed in Amy’s backyard.

Head bowed, Amy felt ashamed. Her jaw dropped fully when her mother told her that she had met with Celeste.

Not ready to talk to Irene about Celeste, Amy asked her mother for the first time, “What happened between you and dad?”

Irene’s jaw slackened in surprise. She realized that her daughter had never really asked her about her marriage. Why now, she wasn’t sure. “Amy, we were young, so very young. I was only fifteen when I fell pregnant with you, and I was only sixteen when we married. I was a wee lassie. I didn’t know my own mind. What child does at that age?” She shook her head. “There was an extreme amount of pressure put on me to marry.” Irene ran her fingers through Amy’s hair. “Don’t get me wrong, Amy. Your dad was a good man. Not much older than me and he stood by me the whole time.”
 

Irene looked at Amy and felt a surge of pride that they had produced such a beautiful daughter. “The one good thing to come from our marriage was you, jellybean.” She reached out and touched Amy’s chin. “But like all childhood crushes, it quickly passed. I wasn’t in love with him, Amy. And as time passed, I loved your dad more as a friend.”

Frowning, Amy turned away.

“Please believe me, Amy,” Irene continued. “I tried. I tried really hard.” She grabbed Amy’s hand and held it tightly. “For a while, I convinced myself that I did. But when I met Bruce, it was right; our being together was right. I couldn’t have continued to stay and lie. I was thirty years old. Only thirty years old,” Irene said, her eyes wide. “Just a year older than you are now, with a fourteen-year-old child. I was too young to sacrifice my happiness, and I hoped against hope that, because you were a teenager, you would have had some acceptance.”

Irene looked up to the sky. “But your dad was a stubborn man and he put ideas in your head.” She looked at Amy and added fiercely, “The wrong ideas that turned you against me. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t convince you otherwise.” Her eyes pleaded. “Jellybean, please understand that even if Bruce hadn’t come along, I couldn’t have kept up the pretense. Although I tried to convince myself, I knew that the only reason I had stayed so long was for you.”
 

Tears formed in Amy’s eyes. Irene choked back her own. Removing a hankie from her pocket, she wiped away the tears that were falling from her daughter’s eyes and asked softly, “Are you in love with her?”

Amy lowered her head and whispered, “No.”

“It’s not a crime to fall in love, Amy,” Irene said tenderly. She squeezed her hand. “Baby, you must go with your heart. People who have lived their lives will understand why. The point for you is that everything has changed. You can’t keep what you have with Josh. If you do, you are being less than honest with him, your children, and yourself. At least give him the chance to meet someone who truly loves him.”
 

Amy’s eyes widened. She looked at Irene in surprise, then shock. She said stubbornly, “
But I do truly love him and he loves me. I can’t leave him. Do you have any idea the devastation you caused?” Her eyes narrowed. “You ruined our lives,” she said, anger edging her tone. “You left me and dad. Your family. Everything. For what?”

Amy stopped when she saw Irene become upset. “Look Irene,” she said, her tone softening. “I know that you’re happy, and believe me, I’m happy for you. But you have to understand, I watched dad change. You were the only one for him and you turned your back on him. He never recovered after you left, you know.”

Irene knew that she shouldn’t be shocked at Amy’s outburst. It was no surprise to her that Amy still carried a lot of anger. Even now, regret still burned inside about the divorce and how it devastated Amy.

Even though Mark was dead, Irene still found it difficult to forgive him for poisoning Amy’s mind against her. She shook her head. “But think about it. Your dad was in his early thirties when we divorced. He was a young, good-looking guy, with a good business head. He was an engineer with a successful business. He could easily have found love. But he chose not to. He was angry, Amy. Angry that I had the audacity to leave him for someone else—”

“You brought shame to his door.”

Irene drew back in surprise. The harshness of those words, she realized, as she shivered slightly, was straight from her own father’s lips. She steeled herself and continued, “I fell in love, Amy, and there is no shame in that. The only thing that I regret is that I lost you,” She moved closer. “Amy, listen to me, Mark’s heart wasn’t in our relationship. He knew that there had never been real passion between us. We were friends and he knew it.”

“But that was enough for him,” Amy replied angrily.

“I know.” Irene sighed. She wondered how she could reach Amy. “But you’re a grown woman now. And,” she hesitated, “you now know the difference.”

Amy looked at her sharply.

“Settling wasn’t for me, and it shouldn’t be for you.”

Confusion crossed Amy’s face. “I like my life.” She bowed her head. “I liked what I had with Josh.” She lifted her head to look at Irene. “And we had more than a friendship! There was nothing wrong with our relationship.”

Irene was sure that Amy was unaware that she had switched tenses. “If you’re so happy in your relationship, then why are you having an affair?”

Amy flinched and looked away. “I know what we’re doing isn’t right.” She gave Irene a sideways look and added wryly, “What an understatement.” She looked at her feet. “But I can’t stop it.” She lifted her chin. “Because…because…” she shook her head, then whispered, defeated, “God, I don’t even know why anymore.” Amy laughed. “How ironic, don’t you think, that the old adage is true? Like mother, like daughter. Here I am about to discuss my adulterous affair with my adulterous mother!”

Irene had come too far to allow Amy to push her away. “Does Maggie know?”

Amy sighed. “No. she doesn’t.”

“So, I take it that you haven’t spoken to anyone about this?”

“No.” Amy frowned. “No one.”

Irene moved closer. “Amy, you desperately need to talk,” she said. “You are so like your father—always bottling things up.” She smiled. “When you were a wee girl, you used to go and hide yourself away. I used to have to hunt the house high and low to find you, and then I would have to bribe you out of your cubbyhole with sweets.” Irene chuckled. “Jellybeans would always entice you out of anywhere.”

Amy smiled. “They still do.”

Irene laughed. She looked at her daughter.
You were my pride and joy. You still are.
 
“Amy, I’m here to help you. Talk to me.”

Amy’s next question made Irene reel.

“Why did you let me go?”

Irene gasped. Amy had never looked so defeated. Suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and knowing that it had taken a lot of courage to ask, Irene closed her eyes for a moment. “I never wanted to leave you,” she replied. “I love you. You are my wee girl, and I’ll always love you. When I was pregnant with you, I was so scared,” she confided. “I didn’t have a clue what was happening to me, and my dad was so ashamed of me when he found out. Well, you know why. A Presbyterian minister and an underage pregnant daughter are not a match made in heaven.” Irene laughed then shook her head. “Teenage pregnancies were something that he preached about from the pulpit.”

Irene sighed and thought back to that time. Her father was never the same with her and the loss of his love still hurt. “I married your dad to please him. I got married to please everyone,” she admitted. “And because I was scared.” She tightened her grip on Amy’s hand. “The day I turned sixteen, my dad married us.” She looked at Amy and said, in way of explanation, “I honestly didn’t have a clue what was happening. It was only the moment that I held you,” she reached out and smoothed Amy’s hair from her face, “that I knew everything would be okay.”
 

Irene looked at her daughter pensively and thought back to when Amy found out about Bruce. Amy built a barrier that kept her out, and even though they had been extremely close, she was never able to breech that barrier, no matter how hard she tried.

“When Bruce came along, I tried so hard to make you see that it hadn’t anything to do with you.” Irene’s face filled with sadness. “But Mark was terrified that I would try to take you away, so he went to great lengths to ensure that you were going nowhere.”
 

Amy looked at her mother, and with a heavy heart, accepted that what she said was true. Even after her affair had become public knowledge and Bruce had returned to the States when his contract ended, Irene stayed, even though he insisted she go with him. She stayed even when Amy’s grandparents rejected her, stayed when her friends rejected her. She remembered her trying desperately hard. Amy realized that Irene stayed until she rejected her.

Irene was right, Amy realized. Her father was terrified that she intended to take her away. Amy remembered the many times that he would quietly talk about Irene’s betrayal and how, when Amy married, she would never be capable of doing such a thing.

Irene pulled Amy into her arms and hugged her. “I’m here for you, jellybean. And you never know, maybe your adulterous mother can be good for at least one thing,” she said, kissing Amy’s head, “listening to you.”
 

She’s right. I desperately need to talk.

Moving out of her mother’s arms, Amy drew a breath. After a moment, she looked at Irene, and eyes wide, explained that apart from a few teenage crushes she had never even thought about being with a woman.

“You’re not attracted to women normally?”

“No.” Amy looked at her mother. “But, I must have been. You can’t just suddenly switch, can you?”

Irene shook her head. “I don’t know, but I don’t think attraction is necessarily always based on what gender you are. Sometimes, it simply comes down to what the other person makes you feel. She looked at Amy. “I guess the real question is, what does Celeste make you feel?”