Demonsense (Demonsense series Book 1) (54 page)

And here it was, she could see it coming. This was part of what she had feared, that he'd rope her back in to all the unanswered questions about demons, get her hooked on the mystery of it again.
 

He must have seen the fear on her face, because he hastened to add, “Look, I’m not going to pressure you. As I said, I’m already regretting how deep you got in to all this. But I would like to know what happened with Gelsenim. And I think it would do you good to talk about it.”

Bree sighed and shook her head, not in denial, but at herself. Here was someone who truly understood what it meant to be vulnerable to demon kind, to feel like a bad person because of his particular talents, because of the way he was wired. It was enough to make him, perhaps, inherently unstable. But at least he always tried. He took action, tried to fight it. And here she was just hiding out, from herself, from him, from everyone. The least she could do was tell him what happened

“I called on Gelsenim when I got desperate, during the battle,” she began hesitantly. “I guess that means I have some kind of Demon Master talent, because he came when I called. I asked him to possess me because I knew that was the only chance I had to protect you and Kevin from Franchesca. And once he possessed me, it was the strangest thing. I was able to talk to him, in my head.”
 

As the story unfolded, her voice got stronger, and she felt her own curiosity stirring. “I didn’t feel ill, or evil. I just felt strong and confident, at least at first. And he was able to show me spells. They just came into my mind, completely clear, and I was able to use them. I just instinctively knew how to shape my will and base energy. It didn’t even take that much focus. And he didn’t fight me that much. He seemed willing to do what I wanted, at least up until I wanted him to leave. He told me we were compatible, even more compatible than he is with you. That I was close to being like those Seldenai he talks about."
 

She felt chilled talking about it. She pulled a throw off the back of the couch and draped it over her lap. "And when you ordered him out, I didn’t have any ill effects apart from being exhausted, and that could just have been from the all the power usage. I don’t think I’ve ever gone as all out in trying to use power as I did that night. I’ve certainly never tried that level of casting before. It’s kind of a miracle that it worked at all.” She wound down, and waited for Daniel's response, not sure what she wanted to hear.

“Well, something unusual happened, obviously,” he said thoughtfully. “There was some way you were able to work well with Gelsenim. Maybe there’s something to what he calls ‘compatibility.’ But that was a very short experiment, and under duress. It’s hard to draw too many conclusions from what happened.”

“At least one conclusion is unavoidable,” Bree asserted with disgust. “There’s something seriously wrong with me if a demon likes me that much and sees me as compatible.”

Daniel lips compressed in denial and he shook his head. “That’s a pretty big conclusion to jump to. We don’t have any idea what ‘compatible’ means in this context. You said you didn’t feel evil. You probably had a chance to kill Franchesca, and you didn’t, though God knows you have every reason to hate her after what she did to Hunter. Instead, you risked a lot to save my life. That doesn’t sound to me like the actions of someone who has some terrible dark side attractive to a demon. I think if you did, it would have come out then. You were under tremendous stress, and in fear for your life. No, it doesn’t scan.”

Bree wanted to be convinced by what Daniel was saying, and the logical side of her could see that his argument had merit. But the reverse of his argument was also just as possible, and she voiced it. “Like you said, it was a short experiment. Given more time with the demon possessing me, that dark side, or whatever it is that attracts Gelsenim, could have taken over. You know," she admitted reluctantly, "I kind of wanted him to stay."

“From what you described, that’s not surprising. It sounds like you got very effective at casting, very quickly, and I’m guessing your power was enhanced by the possession, since that’s generally true for any powered.”

“Yes, but when he possessed you, did you want him to stay?”

That question clearly struck a hole in his attempts to reassure her, because he paused a tellingly long time. “Not really,” he finally conceded. He uncrossed his legs and leaned toward her again, regarding her earnestly. “But Bree, that doesn’t necessarily make me better than you. You’re just different in some way. We don’t know if it’s in a big way, or a small way, or anything much about it at all. It’s an unknown. And I can’t help but think that if we could solve that mystery, we’d be that much closer to understanding demon kind, to having some kind of leverage over them.”

“Apparently we’re the same in being Demon Masters, at least.”

“I don’t know about that. You really don’t feel like a Demon Master to me. It’s hard to explain. I may not be the best Reader in the world, but I’ve encountered more than my fair share of Demon Masters, and I’m pretty sure you aren't one.”

“But then how do you explain what I can do?” Bree asked plaintively.

“I can’t explain it, not yet,” Daniel replied, and some of his habitual intensity glittered for a moment in his eyes. It enlivened him, and some of the calm he’d been displaying evaporated. It spooked Bree a little, but it also sent electricity shooting up her spine. There really was something in that side of him that attracted her. Something about how high power he was, how focused, was very alluring to her. She didn’t want to respond to it, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.
 

With an effort, she focused her mind back on the conversation. “I know I should probably be trying to figure all that out, but I’m not sure I’m up to it. I mean, look at me,” she went on more passionately. “I’m a mess. I haven’t been willing to think, I haven’t been able to face any of this. I’m basically just a coward. I know it would be the right thing to do, to try to figure it out, to do more experiments, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t think I can.”

Daniel sighed. “Look, you’re not cutting yourself any slack here. I wasn’t in great shape myself after my first battles, and certainly not after the first time I killed someone. But I had a community of Keepers to support me, and that helped get me through it. You’ve been sitting here alone, feeling there’s no one it’s safe to talk to, and in a way, you were right. I know what it’s like to have to keep secrets, and it’s not a good thing."
 

He settled back into the chair, and his expression went hard. "And when I think about what you went through with Scanlon, how much it was like what happened to Seth, it just kills me. I’ve never been married, but I can’t even imagine how hard it was on you to see your husband die like that. And to be reminded in such a way.” He looked away from her. “All I can do is imagine how I’d react if I’d lost you that way and had to see something like it happen again. I really don’t know how I’d be able to cope with it.”
 

He was serious. He was telling her he cared that much. Heat rushed through her body, followed by terror. “Daniel,” she said a little breathlessly, “I don’t know if we, if I…” She looked away in embarrassment, and forced herself to continue. “I don’t know if we’re good for each other. How do you know it wasn’t me that was negatively affecting you, and not the demon contact? What if it’s something in me?”

It seemed he'd never considered that before, because he stayed silent for some time. “I don’t think that’s it, but I guess I don’t know.”
 

“And how do I know it’s not something in you that brought out this Demon Master thing, or whatever it is, in me?” she went on relentlessly.

“I don’t know the answer,” he replied, “but I want to know.”

A humorous snort was surprised out of her at that. “Yeah, that’s probably what’ll be on your tombstone. Daniel Thorvaldson. He wanted to know.”

That got a smile out of him. “Okay, that's a palpable hit. But what I mostly want to say here is give it some time. Give yourself time to recover, to find your bearings. Don’t feel like you have to figure everything out right now, or decide everything right now, not about us, not about Gelsenim, not about any of it. Ultimately, I think we can help each other, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to work on this together, or see if we might be good together,” he finished, voice trailing off uncertainly.

“Well, you’re helping me already by keeping Gelsenim off of me. But I can’t expect you to do that indefinitely.”
 

“I can do it for as long as you need me to,” he asserted swiftly.

“No, that’s something I’m going to have to figure out, if only to keep you from having to continue regular contact with him. But I guess you’re right, I do need a little more time. I can’t promise anything, Daniel, I really can’t,” she said with as much resolution as she could muster. “I don’t know that I can plunge back into working on the demon problem. And I don’t know if I’m capable, if I’m
willing
,” she corrected herself carefully, “to pursue a relationship, working or otherwise. I admire you, I respect you, I’m attracted to you, but you scare me, Daniel. I scare myself when I’m with you.”

He opened his mouth to say more, maybe to protest, and she forestalled him with a raised hand. “Enough now. I think that’s enough for one day.”

Daniel gave her a searing look, making her insides quiver. Then he nodded, rose to his feet and pulled on his coat. “I hope it’s all right that I came like this. I wanted to respect your wishes, but after talking to Dion…”

“Oh, Dion could sell sand in the desert,” Bree told him. “And besides, for once I think he was right. It did help to talk to you.”
 

She followed him to the door, where he turned to face her. A mix of emotions crossed his face; hope, vulnerability, doubt, sadness. She thought he was about to say something else, but instead, he lowered his head and kissed her, hard. Then he turned and walked out her door, leaving her with fingers pressed against her tingling mouth.

Bree continued to improve throughout December. She was gratified when she got in quite a few clients in spite of the pending holidays. After some initial grinchiness, she pulled her Christmas decorations out of the storage shed, got a tree and had Hunter over to help her decorate it. They were assisted by two of the neighborhood cats, the black and the calico, who pulled ornaments down about as fast as she and Hunter got them up, to Hunter’s great hilarity.
 

“This is why I don’t like cats,” Bree growled, but it amused Hunter so much that she let them stay.
 

On a couple of occasions, her Demonsense flared up, and she was afraid it was Gelsenim coming to pay her a visit, but he never manifested. She had to assume that Daniel was still handling him for her, and she felt guilty about that. She did think of calling him a couple of times. Kevin had left her a voice mail letting her know Daniel had a cell now and left her the number without further comment. But somehow she couldn’t quite do it even though, more and more, she wanted to talk to him, to brainstorm, to get help formulating some kind of a plan on how to deal with Gelsenim. And she still had so many questions about things that had happened, questions about the demons. There had been the novel, unexpected, and dangerous behavior the demon Tirakku had exhibited when it jumped bodies so easily and managed to possess an experienced, warded exorcist like Javier. There was still the issue of demons having some masking abilities. Not to mention the question of why demon possessions were on the rise.
 

She celebrated the Winter Solstice with Sophie and Bruce, then later in the week drove home to Bellingham to spend Christmas with her parents and her resolutely single older brother Garrett. It all seemed so normal there, so at odds with her recent experience that, although she appreciated seeing them all, she felt disconnected. None of them knew that she was powered. She’d successfully hidden it all these years, wanting some place to be separate from all that. It used to comfort her, but now the secret just made her feel distant.
 

Her mother sensed that something was wrong, and began her motherly probing while they were doing dishes together after Christmas dinner.

"All right, sweetheart, out with it. You're not yourself. Something is clearly on your mind."

 
"I'm really missing Seth," Bree replied, and she was. She still missed him terribly, especially at the holidays. Things were never complicated with Seth. Oh, they’d had their issues, just like any couple, but overall, it'd always been comfortable with Seth. He was like a warm wool blanket on a cold day. She missed his laugh, missed the warmth of his presence in her bed. But of course that wasn't all that was on her mind.

"I understand that, Bree," her mother replied as she picked up the frying pan from the dish drainer and started to dry it with her towel. "It's understandable you'd be thinking about him, especially at the holidays. But you're still so young. There's no reason you can't fall in love again. Don't you think it's about time you started to move on?"

Bree felt stung by her mother's question, and by the hint of impatience in her tone. She had no idea what Bree had been through, no concept of how very complicated falling for Daniel was. She regarded her mother as she rubbed hard at the pan, which looked huge in her tiny hands, read in the play of muscles in her shoulders, in how she shifted her weight that she was anxious about how Bree would respond to her question. That cooled Bree off a bit. As did the realization that she had only herself to blame if her mother didn't know more about her life. She could change that right here, right now.
 

But she immediately shied away from the idea. It wasn't something she should do on a whim. So what could she say in answer that was true? "Well Mom, there is someone. Someone I met through Kevin."

"They say that's how most couples meet each other, through friends." Her mother gave her back the soup pot after pointing out a spot Bree had missed.