Defining Moments (10 page)

She nods her head in understanding and sweeps her hand to the door, letting me know the conversation is over.

“Thank you, Ellie. I haven’t seen him smile this much in a long time,” she whispers as I leave the bathroom. I don’t respond. I can’t. The lump in my throat is enormous. I will not ask him about his wife. He’ll tell me if and when he’s ready. It makes me think about the picture he’s been staring at off and on all night, and I immediately know the picture is of his dead wife. My heart hurts for him. I wonder how long she’s been gone.

“ARE YOU OKAY?”
Cord asks as we pull into the parking lot of the apartment complex.

“Of course,” I answer. “I had a great time tonight, Cord. Although I was under the impression I was there to scope out the job prospect without you interfering.”

He smiles. “I could see the determination on your face when you said you would get a job on your own. I didn’t want to lose out on the prospect of having you work in my kitchen because you knew I owned it. Are you ready for your interview?”

I laugh. “I don’t think so, mister. I’m not working for you,” I respond quickly.

“And why the hell not?” he asks as he gets out of the car and heads over to open my door.

He reaches forward for my hand, helping me from the vehicle. “I told you. I will do this on my own,” I reply with determination, feeling the heat from his hand and realizing he hasn’t let go.

He regards me with intensity. “Who said I’d just give you a job? You’d have to cook for me before I’d make that call.”

“Is that so?” I ask with sarcasm.

“Yes, ma’am, that is so. Saint is my life, and I wouldn’t just hire anyone. I’m actually extremely particular about who works in my kitchen,” he tells me seriously.

“Well, in that case, why don’t you let me make you dinner as my interview?” I ask quickly before I can stop myself.

A slow, sexy smile spreads across his face before he replies, “I like the sound of that. How about tomorrow evening?”

“How about tomorrow evening what?” I hear a familiar voice coming from the front door of my apartment.

“Eli, what the hell are you doing?” I startle. “Where’s Ben?”

I watch as Eli points, and when I follow his finger, there is Ben, leaning against Cord’s door. I snort with laughter and both the boys glare at me.

“It’s after 11 p.m., Mom! You went out with a stranger,” Eli rants while glaring at Cord.

“Boys, go into the apartment right now. I’ll be there in a second,” I tell them both, pinning them with the dreaded ‘mom’ glare.

Neither take their eyes off Cord as they walk into my apartment and close the door.

“I’m sorry about that. Obviously, they are still adjusting to the divorce.” I smile up at him as he takes my hand and places a kiss on the back of it. Always the gentleman.

“You never have to apologize for your children worrying about you, Ellie. They just love you and want to protect you,” he remarks with a smile.

“Thank you for dinner, Cord. It was amazing.” I turn back toward my apartment door, but Cord hasn’t let go of my hand yet.

“How about that dinner interview? Tomorrow?”

I smile before turning back to him.

“How about seven at my place?” I retort.

“Why don’t we make it six at my place? I can’t imagine you’re completely settled in yet, and I have everything you’ll need to cook. Just bring your key ingredients. I have every spice, oil, vinegar, and pantry staple you could ever need, so don’t buy any of that. Plus, I’d like to watch you cook. Shows me how well you know your techniques,” he says with determination.

“Sounds good to me, Cord. I’ll see you at six,” I tell him before he lets go of my hand and nods.

“Goodnight, beautiful,” he says quietly as he turns and heads for his door. When he gets to his door, he turns and waits for me to go inside.

“Goodnight, Saint.” I smile at him as I start to shut the door. I hear a deep intake of breath, and when my eyes meet his, I watch as pain crosses his face. I’m not sure what that is about, but it makes my stomach drop. Closing the door, I lean my head back against it, ready for the third degree from my boys.

“What the hell, Ma?” Eli fusses at me the moment I close the door.

“Elijah! Seriously. It was dinner with a new friend. What the hell is wrong with you two? I know you worry about me, but you can’t do this every time I go out. I am going to move on with my life too,” I rant.

I almost feel bad that I’m yelling at them about this. I mean, I know they’re just trying to protect me, but enough is enough.

“We’re sorry, but this whole dating thing is going to be hard for us to adjust to, Mom.” I look up into Ben’s face and see his concern.

“I know it is, baby, but please, for me, try to trust my judgment. Cord is just a friend and you should know I will not put myself in a position to be taken advantage of,” I tell them honestly.

“We know you’d never put yourself in a bad position, but we worry, Mom. This is new to us. It’s one thing for dad to be out doing whatever the hell he’s doing, but you’re our mother. We are supposed to protect you,” Ben tells me with determination.

“Look, boys, I know you want to protect me, and I appreciate that, but you can’t go around texting and threatening a guy just because I went to dinner with him. I mean, come on guys. That was craziness,” I tell them.

They both nod their head in understanding, but leave it to Eli to stress his continued concern.

“What do you even know about this Cord guy?” Eli asks sternly.

I smile and shake my head. “I know he’s been a complete gentleman since the moment he asked me to dinner. I know his real name is Saint Cordero. I know he owns a restaurant called Saint, which he took me to. I know his parents are still married and live in Florida, he has two brothers and a sister, and he is close to his family.”

“Wait, Mom. Did you just say his name is Saint Cordero?” Eli asks with huge eyes, shifting his gaze to Ben who looks equally shocked.

“Um, yeah, why?” I ask timidly. I don’t like the looks on their faces, and it’s making me nervous.

“The guy you just went out with, Cord, his real name is Saint Cordero?” Ben mimics, with the same astonishment in his voice.

“Jesus. Yes, that’s what I said. Why are you guys freaking out? Do you know him somehow?” I ask them with irritation.

The boys look at each other, then at me, then at each other again.

“He used to be a big-time running back for CU like twenty or so years ago. He still holds a ton of records and he’s a football legend there. He was supposed to go first-round draft pick,” Eli explains.

“So what happened?” I ask, not sure I want to know.

The boys look uncomfortable, but Ben finally continues the rest of the information. “Well, the story is, like Eli said, Saint’s senior year, he was a shoo-in to be drafted. A few months before graduation, he and his fiancée were at a party celebrating their latest win and they got separated at some point while they were mingling with friends. Word is, someone spiked her drink and some guy took her to one of the rooms . . . where she was raped and beaten by a couple of guys from the football team they’d beaten that night.” Ben pauses and looks at Eli, but continues when Eli nods, both of them looking pale.

“Saint is the one who found her, unconscious,” Ben grinds out, his voice full of anger. “He quit football and pulled from the draft. The guys who raped her got off on some stupid technicality. Saint lost it. He got himself into a bunch of trouble when he went after one of them. Saint almost killed him. Did some time for that. They got married, but from what I understand, she ended up committing suicide years later. Saint disappeared after that.”

I didn’t realize my heart could feel any more broken. The pain Cord has suffered is immeasurable. I have the overwhelming desire to go across the hall to him and wrap him in my arms. I know we’re just friends, and new friends at that, and he hasn’t divulged this information about his life to me yet, but I’m shattered he has endured so much.

“Holy shit,” I whisper out loud.

“Yeah, he’s had a rough go, Ma,” Eli concludes. I only nod in response because I feel like I’m going to burst into tears any minute.

“Are you okay, Mama?” Ben asks gently.

I nod again, trying hard to choke down my emotions.

“You boys go on home. It’s late and I’m exhausted,” I concede. I know they can tell I’m upset, but they don’t need to worry about me more than they already do.

“You sure you’re okay? We can stay the night if you need us to,” Eli states firmly.

“No, baby, I’m fine, just tired. I appreciate your concern for me, but I’m fine and I’m ready for bed,” I tell them both with a smile, ushering them to the door.

“All right, Ma,” they say in unison.

I hug them both tight, kiss their cheeks, and shoo them out, locking the door behind them.

I do my nightly routine of removing my makeup, brushing my hair and teeth, and setting my alarm for tomorrow. I have a date with the gym after all. That should be nice and painful.

When I finally climb into bed, I’m truly exhausted and overcome with emotion. Even though the loss of Justin and ultimately my marriage was devastating to me, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of loving someone so completely and then losing them because of something so traumatic and heartbreaking. I’ve never lost anyone to suicide, but the amount of guilt I can imagine comes with it is suffocating even to me.

Just as I start to doze off, I hear my phone chime.

Justin: Some days I miss you so much I can hardly breathe.

I stare at the message in shock, contemplating how to respond. After a few minutes, I delete the message without replying. This is the second time he has surprised me with a confession that he misses me. As much as I’d prayed for those words even just three short months ago, now they just confuse me. He misses me? The woman who wasn’t enough? The woman he threw away so he could “hook up” with a twenty-five-year-old fitness model? Please. He doesn’t miss me. He misses having someone take care of him. He misses having someone to do everything for him. I bet Ms. Perfect doesn’t do any of that. Well, tough shit for him. He made his bed . . .

Although, I do feel some sick satisfaction that, no matter what the reason, he is now seeing what he lost. Some part of me is basking in the thought that his new life is not so bright and beautiful and “more” after all.

L
AST NIGHT WAS THE
worst night sleep I’ve had in years. Between thinking about what Cord had suffered through and feeling like a bitch for reveling in Justin’s confused state, I tossed and turned all night. I’d fall asleep, only to jolt awake from dreams of Cord’s loss or Justin’s betrayal. It was an endless cycle, and by 6 a.m., I’m exhausted but done with attempting to sleep.

Dragging myself into the kitchen to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, I try to mentally plan all the crap I need to accomplish today. I’d planned to hit the gym first thing this morning, but after the shitty night of sleep, I really just don’t know if I have the energy for it. Maybe after coffee, I’ll perk up a little.

Coffee

Gym

Grocery store

Call Destry

Unpack at least one room

Check in with Claire

Yes, I put coffee on my list of things to do today. It makes me feel better to have little extra things to cross off my list. I haven’t spoken to Destry since I moved into my apartment a few days ago and I need to see how he’s doing at school. Claire and I haven’t spoken in what feels like weeks and I miss her. She’s going to need to come over soon for a girls’ night in with wine and chitchat.

While sipping my coffee and trying to figure out what I’m going to make Cord for my dinner interview, I start making my grocery list. Saint is a very classy restaurant. I need to make something worthy of that. I finally decide on making seafood paella. It is one of my favorite dishes to make and has amazing flavor. I’ll pair it with a nice light green salad with fresh avocado dressing and some crusty bread.

Once the grocery list is made and I’ve had my coffee, I figure I might as well suck it up and hit the gym. I promised myself I was going to make healthy-lifestyle changes, and I’m sticking to it.