Defector (17 page)

H
er words stung in my chest like acid, but I tried not to let it show. “I know. You made it perfectly clear the last time I called that you don’t want anything to do with me. And don’t worry, this isn’t a mother-daughter reunion. I’m not asking anything of you, I just need some information.”

She blinked. “I said that for your own protection,” she said. I scoffed. “It’s true. I was worried that—this place isn’t safe. People will recognize you here.” I didn’t believe that was the only reason. She’d barely been able to stand my company when we’d still lived under the same roof.

“Why worry about me now? Were you worried about me when you ignored me for days when I was too young to get it, when you told me I was a freak and that I disgusted you, when you were relieved that the FEA finally picked me up and took me away?”

Her gaze settled on my eyes. “You’re right. I was glad when you were gone.”

There it was: the admission. Of course, I’d always known it, but hearing the words from her mouth hurt more than I’d thought they would. I should have left it at that, should have steered the conversation toward something that could lead me to Holly, but I couldn’t. “Why?” I croaked.

“Your eyes,” she said quietly. Something dark flickered on her face. “They reminded me of your father. They reminded me of a past I wanted to forget. I thought I could leave it all behind, especially your father. I once loved Abel, a long time ago. He was smart and charming and kind. He was so charismatic, almost nobody could resist him. He just had something special about him, something powerful.”

I frowned. Then why had she left him? She watched my face for a reaction before she continued. “I’m sure you don’t remember, because you were just a baby then, but it wasn’t always easy with Abel. He had his good sides, but the one thing I wanted most was the one thing he couldn’t deal with: normalcy.”

That was something I could understand. I’d often longed for a normal life, but my childhood had been far from it. Maybe my mother and I were more alike than I’d known. But maybe she and Abel were more alike than she wanted to admit. Because despite her desires, normalcy definitely wasn’t something my mother had ever accomplished.

She continued in a soft voice, “He and I wanted to live a life without the FEA’s supervision. They took away our choices, our freedom, and gave us rules that your father didn’t agree with. We made the decision to run away. He wanted to try it for me, to build a normal family, live a normal life. Well, that was my dream when we left.” She paused, her expression wistful. “And at first it looked like it might work. But I could tell that your father struggled with normal life. He didn’t know how to function in normal society. And he didn’t feel safe on his own. He thought the FEA would come after us at any moment and lock us into their prison for treason. Then his brother—your uncle— came to town. He’d been on the run from the FEA for years, and he convinced your father to work alongside him, for rich businessmen. Your father knew he needed money if he wanted a chance to build a safe place for Variants away from the FEA, away from the crushing grip and the watchful eyes of the FBI. He didn’t want to be used anymore.

“I didn’t know much about their work. I was scared to ask. I think Abel got in over his head with his brother. It got harder for him to reconcile his ideals with his work, but he never stopped trying. I think that was what I admired most about him. And when your father’s brother started to spend all his time with us and began talking about building their own group, a group that would destroy the FEA, I tried to talk Abel out of it. I pleaded with him to stop the madness. But his brother had too much influence. Abel thought he was doing the right thing. There was no reasoning with him. Your brother had already showed signs of a Variation, and I knew that Abel would never let him go. But for the first few years of your life, you seemed to be normal. I can’t tell you how much I wanted that. And so I took you, and I ran. I don’t think Abel ever followed us, but I was always careful not to stay in the same place for too long, just in case.”

“But then my Variation began to show,” I said.

My mother nodded. “I knew I’d been stupid to think there’d ever be a normal life for us. I can’t tell you how often I regretted running away from Abel, but at the same time I knew I couldn’t return to his life. It would be too dangerous for the both of us. I wanted normalcy, safety, even just the pretense of it. If Abel had found us, I knew I’d have been too weak to resist him.”

“So that’s why we always moved?”

“Yes. That and the FEA.”

“The FEA? Why? You didn’t seem to mind when they took me away.”

“You would never be free with the FEA. I knew that. They promise a virtuous life, but they keep their agents in a golden cage. I didn’t want that for you. But once they found us, I had no choice but to let them take you. Major wouldn’t have listened even if I’d said no. Maybe I should have called Abel then, as I’m sure he would have taken you in before the FEA could, but I didn’t want to admit to him, or to myself, that my life was in shambles. I should have known that my plan was doomed. You’re either with the FEA or with Abel’s Army. At least that’s what I thought back then. I didn’t know of the many Variants living in the underground, far from the FEA’s radar. But with your eyes, we couldn’t have kept your identity a secret for long.”

“I could have taken on another appearance,” I said.

“For weeks?” she said skeptically. “Forever?”

I nodded. “I’ve been on a mission that took weeks to complete.”

For a long time, my mother looked at me. “That wouldn’t have changed much. I still can’t change my appearance. They would have recognized me.”

“But you could have made yourself look younger.” The lines around her eyes and mouth were even deeper than I remembered them. She hadn’t used her Variation in a while.

She touched the crow’s-feet with her fingertips. “When I left your father, I swore never to use my Variation again. I’d seen what people like us can do, but I’d also seen what it does to them. I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I wanted to be normal.”

“But you were an FEA agent once. You had a home at headquarters, a future, a job. Why didn’t you go back there? Wouldn’t that life have been better than sharing your life with drunks and spending the nights passed out from drugs?” She winced. My words had been harsh, but they were the truth. We both knew it.

“You and I would have belonged to the FEA. I’d have had to use my Variation whenever they wanted, however they told me to. I wanted to be free. That was all that mattered to me.”

“Even more than your own daughter? Don’t you think my life would have been easier if I didn’t have to grow up around endless beer bottles and a string of violent guys?”

Her eyes were fierce. “Maybe. But I was selfish back then. I still am. But you’re on the run from the FEA now too, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “I found out that I can’t trust them. They had someone I trusted more than anyone keep an eye on me with his own Variation—he was reading my emotions to see if I was stable enough to be an agent.”

“You really liked that boy, didn’t you?” she said in a resigned voice. I wasn’t sure how she knew. Maybe my expression or voice had given me away. Or maybe she had enough experience with heartbreak to recognize it instantly.

I shrugged. I didn’t trust my voice to answer.

“I’m not surprised Major doesn’t trust you. Not with your background. Too much has happened between Major and your father.”

“So it’s personal?”

“Major’s too professional to get emotional. But Abel and his brother are a different story.”

“Why didn’t Major force you to join the FEA when he took me with him? He knew you were a Variant, and he could have thrown you into prison if you’d refused.”

“He could have,” my mother said quietly. “But he and I go way back. Maybe that was one of the rare instances when he didn’t follow the rules. And he knew I was a mess. I’d have brought trouble with me, and that was the last thing Major needed in headquarters.”

I gasped. “Don’t tell me that . . . you and Major?” I couldn’t even say the words.

“It was a long time ago,” she explained. “When I joined the FEA back in the seventies, Major was a good-looking young man.”

My face must have shown my shock, because she lowered her eyes. “It sounds strange, I know. But I was drawn to his seriousness. He was very intense. He was so much older inside than his age suggested, but things didn’t go well for long. Maybe I was too erratic. And when your father joined the FEA years later, I fell in love with him. I don’t think Antonio ever forgave me for that.” I wasn’t sure if she realized that that was the first time she’d used Major’s real name. “Maybe that was why he didn’t want me anywhere near the FEA when he found you and me. It reminded him of what happened back then.”

It was too much to take in, and it didn’t really matter. I had to find Holly. That was all that mattered now. “I need to find Abel’s Army,” I said.

My mother gave a small shake of her head. “You don’t have to look far. If you stay in one place for very long, they’re liable to come find you. But you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, Tessa. Change your appearance, go to Europe or somewhere else, and live a normal life. Enjoy yourself. Live by your own rules. I think you could do it. You are stronger than I ever was. You are your father’s daughter.”

“But Abel’s Army kidnapped my best friend. I have to find her.”

My mother didn’t seem surprised. “They won’t hurt your friend. He wants
you
, Tessa. I don’t think he ever forgave me for taking you away from him.”

“Are you still in contact with Abel? I heard a rumor that you are.”

Her eyes grew wide. “Maybe someone in the bar has been spreading rumors.”

“Mom,” I said firmly, drawing her eyes back to me, “are you? Do you know where Abel’s Army is located?”

“I saw your father once, a few weeks ago. When he contacted me, I just had to meet him. I knew you were safe, so why not?” She sighed. “He was still everything I remembered. Charismatic, strong, charming. Smart. We talked about you. He’d found out that you were a Variant, that you were with the FEA. He was angry with me. He couldn’t believe I’d handed you over to them. He’ll never forgive me for that.”

“But where is his headquarters?”

“I don’t know. That’s restricted information, and he didn’t tell me. We met in a small restaurant outside of Vegas.”

“Did he tell you anything that will help me find him?”

She laughed mirthlessly. “No. But some of the customers talk. There are always rumors about Abel’s Army and the FEA making the rounds. I’m not sure how much of it is true. I never really bothered to find out.”

I wondered how she could be like that, how she could so easily turn her back on her past and everyone in it. “Then why did you wind up here? If you were so desperate to be normal, why did you get into a relationship with another Variant? You gave me up to have a chance at a normal life.” I didn’t bother to hide the bitterness that I felt.

Hopelessness blanketed her expression. “It seems normal is out of my reach. You can’t help who you are. No matter where you go, no matter how fast you run, Tessa, you can’t escape yourself.” She sniffed.

She pressed her fingertips against her temple. Exhaustion marked her face. She probably needed some rest after her drug haze. I perched on the bed beside her and took her hands in mine. Her eyes widened, but she didn’t pull back. Maybe she didn’t have the energy to do so, but I tried to tell myself that she stayed because she enjoyed my closeness. “Please. If you know about any way I can find Abel, you have to help me. I need to find my friend.”

Her eyes became distant. “Abel’s Army can’t be found; they find you. That’s what people say, and it’s true. Abel found me, and he will find you too. If you let him. I think he’s met his match in you.” She paused. “But it’s possible that Stanley knows something. He hates talking about it, but he belonged to them once. To Abel’s Army.” She started to get up, but her legs shook and she sank back down. I walked to the door and found Stanley in the corridor, arguing with Penny. Devon spotted me and immediately came over and touched my arm. I wanted to press myself against his chest, but I knew this wasn’t the time or place. “You okay?” he asked.

I gave him a small smile. “I’m fine. My mother doesn’t know where Abel’s Army is, but she thinks that maybe Stanley does.”

Devon looked doubtful. “I don’t think he’d tell us even if he knew.” Especially after I’d threatened to call Abel on him earlier.

“Stanley,” I yelled out. “I need to talk to you.”

His narrowed yellow eyes cut to me. He said something to Penny, and she disappeared down the stairs. Stanley strode toward me, a reddish-blue bruise marking the spot on his chin where my fist had struck him. If I’d known I needed him, I wouldn’t have hit him, but it was too late for that. My eyes darted to my mother, collapsed into herself on the bed.

“You still here? I don’t want you under my roof,” Stanley growled. Like he hadn’t known that I’d been helping my mother all this time.

“I don’t want to cause any more trouble,” I said. “As soon as you tell me what I need to know, I’m gone. And you’ll never see me again.” I retreated into the room. That was a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep, and he probably knew it. I couldn’t leave my mother in this place, but I couldn’t exactly take her with me either. I had to save Holly first, but then who knew if I’d be back.

He followed me into the room, scanning my mother without a single emotion on his face. “What do you want?” Devon trailed after us, his eyes never leaving Stanley.

“You have to tell me how to find Abel’s headquarters.”

His mouth twitched, and then booming laughter burst out of him. My hands curled into fists at my side, but I let him have his moment. Devon glanced at me, his eyebrows raised.

“
You
want me to help you find Abel?”

“Yes. I won’t leave otherwise.”

His eyes hardened. “Oh yes you will.”

Devon took a threatening step toward Stanley. “Listen, you’ll have far less trouble if you just tell us what you know.”