Deeper We Fall (39 page)

“Um, careful,” I said. “Trish, can you not say things like that when she's got a sharp object near my eye?”

“Fine, fine.”

She waited a second before coming at me with the eyeliner again. “We're not a thing. We just…talk.”

“With your clothes off, I'm guessing,” Trish said.

“What is wrong with you, Trish?”

“Nothing, I'm just tired of pretending that I don't know that you two are together. It's like you're hiding it because you're ashamed of him.”

Ah, that was it.

Katie sighed and stopped lining my eyes. “I'm not ashamed of him.”

“Then why don't you go out in public with him?”

“Because we're not like that, okay? It's complicated. Take it up with him.”

Trish snorted. “Whatever.”

Katie put down the makeup tools and faced Trish. “We're friends, okay? He's one of the only people I can talk to right now.”

“Let's just drop it, okay?” I said. I hated it when my friends fought. We shouldn't be fighting right now.

“Sure,” Trish said.

“Fine,” Katie said, picking up the eyeliner again.

When Katie finally declared that I was done, I thought this whole thing had been more trouble than it was worth until I looked in the mirror.

“What did I tell you?” she said with a satisfied smile. Through the magic of eyeliner and shadow, she'd made my eyes look bluer. My skin was glowing, and she'd French braided my hair back into a loose knot that I knew I would never be able to duplicate.

“Wow,” I said.

“My thoughts exactly,” she said, putting her makeup away.

“Trish?” I asked.

“Very nice,” she said, still grumpy about the earlier conversation about her brother.

“Come on, she' gorgeous. Not that you weren’t already, but you know what I mean.”

There was a knock at the door and I didn’t need to look through the peephole to know who it was.

“Time to find out what the boy thinks,” Katie said, putting her hands on my shoulders and steering me toward the door.

I opened it and prepared for his reaction. I wasn’t prepared for him to be standing there and holding a single red rose.

“Wow,” he said softly. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t look like you.”

“Did you really think I would change her that much?” Katie said, coming up behind me.

“You never know,” he said. They still had an uneasy relationship. I hadn’t asked Katie for details of their hookup, but Zan had told me anyway during one of our all night talking sessions. I took it for what it was. A hookup that didn’t mean anything.

“This is for you,” he said, handing me the rose. “I figured it was about time I got you flowers.”

“Yes, you were overdue,” I said, taking the rose.

“Shall we?” he held out his arm. Katie put my coat on my shoulders and winked.

“Have fun, kids.”

“See you later,” I said, closing the door. “I hope they don’t kill each other while we’re gone.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“Seems like not everyone is on Team Stratie,” I said as we walked toward the stairs. “They’ll work it out. I hope.”

He sighed. “You and me both.”

“Are you sure you’re ready? To go see Lexie tomorrow?” I wasn’t going to bring it up, but I wanted to give him one last chance to back out.

He didn’t hesitate before he said, “I’m ready if you are, pretty girl.”

“I wish I didn’t have to say good-bye, but I know I do. I’m just glad you’ll be there with me.”

Zan

“You’re going to be fine,” Charlotte said, rubbing my arm with the hand that wasn’t clutched in mine. I took a deep breath before she knocked on the door. I wish I shared her confidence. I’d had it the night before.

I was freaking out. If this had happened before everything with Charlotte, I would have smoked beforehand.

Mrs. Davis opened the door, and gave us a warm smile that looked almost genuine.

“Lottie, it’s so good to see you. Hello, Zan.”

“Hi, Mrs. Davis,” I said. In the months since I’d seen her, she’d aged what looked like several years. Her face was sunken, and there were hollows under her eyes. I wondered if that was the fate of my mother as well.

“Come on in.” She stepped aside, and I followed Charlotte in. “Forgive the mess, we’re in a bit of a chaos right now. Can I get you anything?”

I helped Charlotte off with her coat While she answered, “No, I’m fine. Zan?”

“I’m good, thank you.”

The house wasn’t messy, there were bags and several boxes littered on the floor.

“We’re going to move down to Texas with Lexie to get her settled and try to sell the house up here.”

Charlotte clenched my hand hard.

“Are you coming back?”

Mrs. Davis sighed and walked over a box before pushing it aside.

“We don’t know. It’s up in the air right now.” She led us down the hall and knocked on Lexie’s door.

“Lex? Someone here to see you.” The door opened a little and Lexie peered through, as if she didn’t want to let us in.

“Hey, Lex,” Charlotte said in a bright voice. “Can we come in? I’ve missed you.”

“Who’s he?” The door opened a little more and she glared at me.

“This is Alex,” Charlotte said. We’d agreed on the way down that I would be Alex today. I didn’t know how much she remembered, but I didn’t want to upset her if I didn’t have to.

“Hello, Lexie,” I said as she looked me up and down.

“Do you want to come out so you can talk with your friends?” Mrs. Davis said.

Lexie finally came all the way out of her room. Charlotte hugged her, but she didn’t return it. Charlotte had told me that she had a hard time with physical affection.

“Where have you been?” Lexie said when Charlotte let go.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been here, but I brought you a present to say I’m sorry.” She held it out to Lexie.

“Wasn’t that nice, Lex? What do you say?” Mrs. Davis said.

“Thank you,” Lexie said before ripping the paper off. It was a music box that Charlotte and I had found once when we went shopping. It played a song from a Disney movie and had a little unicorn inside.

“Wow, that’s so pretty, Lex. Do you like it?” Mrs. Davis said. She was trying so hard and it made my throat hurt.

Lexie opened and closed the box, cutting the song off and on. She smiled slowly.

“Thank you, Lottie,” she said softly.

“You’re welcome, Lex.”

Lottie

We didn’t stay for long, and the conversation was forced and mostly between Mrs. Davis and me. Zan was very quiet. He was holding on tight to my hand again.

I couldn’t stop looking at the bandages on her wrists, and remembering the bright happy best friend she’d been. I knew that friend was gone, was never coming back.

I’d known this for a long time, but I’d held onto the tiniest shred of hope that a miracle would happen to bring her back. That we could go back in time to what we were.

Lexie was gone, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still love her. Be her friend. The problem was that I was still trying to be a friend to the girl I’d lost. Not this new girl. Yes, I’d been there for her, but only because of what she was. Not what she had become.

I had to learn how to love her in a new way.

“I’ll miss you, Lex,” I said when she started getting restless. Mrs. Davis had gone to the kitchen to give us a little privacy in the living room.

“I’ll miss you, Lottie.” She held her arms out for a hug. She almost never hugged. “Will you still call me?”

“Of course. I’ll call whenever I can.” The tears were coming, and I didn’t know if I could fight them. She released me from the hug and looked at Zan.

“I know you,” she said.

“Yes, you do. We used to go to school together.”

Lexie nodded, and I could see her searching her brain for the connection.

“Can I tell you something, Lexie?” he said.

“Uh huh.”

Zan leaned forward so she would focus on him.

“I just want to say I am so sorry for what happened to you, and I hope that someday you can understand how sorry I am.”

Lexie was quiet for a long time as the tears finally made their way down my face. I wanted to hug him so hard he’d never forget it.

I loved him so much it made me ache. It made me burn and feel like my heart was going to burst out my chest.

I’d never loved him more than in that moment.

“Thank you,” Lexie said, and for just a second, I thought she understood. Then she opened the music box again and let the song play.

***

“You. Are. Amazing,” I said when we got out to the truck. “I didn’t think I could love you more than I already did.” I yanked him into my arms and hugged him so hard the buttons on his coat dug into me.

“Thank you,” he said, holding me just as tight. “For letting me come with you. It was something I needed to do. How did you know?”

“I didn’t. I just had a feeling. Besides, I didn’t feel like coming alone. I need you as much as you need me.” He let go so he could look at me.

“We need each other.”

He kissed me once before opening my door so I could get in.

“You driving?”

“It’s my turn,” he said as I handed him the keys. “It’s my turn to do something for you.”

I didn’t bother to tell him that he’d already done so much. Didn’t want to bruise his male ego.

“You should have brought the banjo. She would have liked that.”

“I should carry an emergency banjo,” he said, starting the truck with ease. I looked once more back at the house. Lexie was at the window, waving. My face hadn’t dried yet from the tears I’d already shed, and I knew there were more in store.

I waved back and she smiled and just for a moment, I saw my best friend again. I let the tears flow as Zan pulled out of the driveway.

“I brought this for you. It was my grandmother’s,” he said, handing me a slightly yellowed handkerchief that had embroidered roses on it.

“Thanks,” I said, taking it. “You knew I was going to cry, huh?” I dabbed at my eyes.

“I like to be prepared,” he said, touching my shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

“At some point.”

Zan

Things got quiet again for a few days, which made me nervous. Quiet wasn’t good. It was too quiet.

Zack kept calling me, my mother kept calling me and even Steve called me.

“They may be jerks, but they’re still your family,” Will said after one bio class. Now that he knew my secret, he’d decided I wasn’t a heartless asshole and we’d sort of become friends, which I was relieved about. Will and Charlotte were a package deal.

“I know. I just… I can’t deal with them right now.”

“It’s okay,” Charlotte said, and I put my arm around her. I loved being able to touch her all the time.

“Sooo… Audrey and I were wondering if you would like to maybe go out,” Will said.

“Are you together now?” I said.

Charlotte answered for him.

“They’re taking it slow, right Will?”

He rubbed his head as if he had a headache. “I hate that you know everything without me having to tell you.”

“Twindar,” she said, tapping her forehead. “It doesn’t lie.”

“I’m in,” I said. “What about you?”

“Double date with my brother? I guess so. As long as I get to tell the story about that time –”

Will shoved his hand over her mouth.

“Just kidding,” she said, peeling his hand away. “I want you to be with Audrey, so I’m not going to do anything to sabotage it.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

My phone went off again. Zack.

“He’s called me about twelve times today and left me a million messages.”

“Have you listened to them?” Charlotte said.

“No. I’ve been deleting them.”

“Maybe you should call him. What if something’s wrong?” Will said. “I mean, more wrong than it already is.”

I took a deep breath before hitting Send on Zack’s number. I walked away from Charlotte and Will to a corner where I had some privacy. I was going to make this a quick conversation.

“What do you want Zack?” I said before he could cut in.

“Oh now you answer your fucking phone.” He was drunk. Really, really drunk. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Where are you?”

“Nowhere.” I heard him take a swig from a bottle.

“Does Mom know where you are?”

I could feel Charlotte and Will’s eyes on me. So much for making this a quick conversation. “She’s at work and Steve’s off plotting things with my lawyer. How’s school? You and Hottie still fucking each other’s brains out?”

If he would have been standing in front of me, I would have punched him. I had to take a long deep breath before I could say anything normal.

“So, you looking at any prison time?”

He scoffed. “Why do you care?”

“I don’t. I’m just asking.”

“Who the fuck cares? It doesn’t matter anymore. I lost her, I lost my scholarship, I lost everything.”

No, he didn’t lose it. He threw it away.

“You’re not driving, are you?”

He started laughing.

“Why, you going to come down here and drive me into a ditch again? Get some more scars?”

He was pushing every single one of my buttons.

“You shouldn’t be driving.”

“You shouldn’t be judging.”

I was about to throw the phone and punch something when I felt a hand on my arm. I couldn’t see Charlotte’s face, but I could feel her concern.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Hey Hottie,” Zack yelled in my ear. I put my hand over the phone.

“It’s Zack. He’s drunk and alone. I’m pretty sure he’s been driving too.”

“You’ve got to do something,” she said, her fingers digging into my skin. “This time you can do something.” I met her eyes and she nodded. “He’s still your brother, no matter what.”

I put the phone to my ear again. Zack was singing again.

“Where are you?” I said.

“I don’t know. I just parked somewhere.”

“What’s around you?”

He groaned, as if it was hard to move.

“Stupid park sign. Something about a duck.” He must be at Wood Duck Park. It wasn’t that far from our house.

“Stay where you are, Zack. Just stay there.” I hung up and dialed 9-1-1. They asked the location of my emergency and I told them. I added that my brother was drunk and a danger to himself. No doubt he was going to get arrested, but it was better to have him in jail than dead.