Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (29 page)

Do open relationships work?

Do you have any opinion on open relationships? By that I mean having a committed emotional and sexual relationship with one person while also having lovers on the side with no strings attached.—M.B., Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

It sounds great, but for most people they don’t work, at least not in the long term. Whether this is because we are naturally monogamous or simply socialized to have only one partner at a time is the subject of much debate. In our view, any intimate encounter has at least a few strings attached. That’s what makes us human. The problem with open relationships is that many people who decide to have them neglect to inform their partners.

Two years ago my wife told me she is bisexual. She arranged several threesomes, which I loved. Ten months ago she met our current girlfriend, and the three of us are planning a commitment ceremony. The problem is, my wife has changed. For 14 years I thought she was straight; now I would say she is 75 percent gay and 25 percent straight. She and our girlfriend are inseparable; they are always holding hands and kissing. I love my wife but have a feeling she would choose our girlfriend over me. Do I have a reason to feel this way, or am I being petty?—A.J., Cincinnati, Ohio

This is a common issue among newly polyamorous couples. Your wife and girlfriend are enjoying the giddiness of a new romance. That will subside. The more important question is, where will the three of you be in five years? It is possible to maintain a triad (or even a quad) for decades, but only if each partner understands
that no two are greater than the whole. For that reason you should not expect that you and your wife will be the primary relationship, with your girlfriend orbiting. They also should not expect you to orbit them. It may be too soon, after 10 months of dating, for any of you to commit. Many people in alternative relationships struggle with jealousy; to combat it they rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before. The poly community has support groups in most states and a national magazine called
Loving More
(lovemore.com).

There are many types of polyamorous relationships. I am in an MFM V-triad, which means that I am with both my husband and our male best friend, but they are not with each other. The three of us have chosen to become a family and raise our children together. I understand some people might find this impossible because of jealousy, or issues of safety, but if someone in a relationship is cheating, how safe is that?—L.W., San Francisco, California

Our question is, who controls the remote?

My wife drives me nuts

My wife is driving me crazy. We’ve been married six years and it’s like my mother said, “The things you think are cute at the beginning will make you nuts later.” When we got married, I loved that she had a strong personality. Since then she’s become pushy, and we’ve been fighting. Does the Advisor have any suggestions to keep my marriage from falling apart?—L.K., Toledo, Ohio

Don’t expect your wife to change. Besides the fact that it won’t happen, you agreed six years ago to accept her as a package deal, and she, you—marriage doesn’t come with a line-item veto. That’s the counsel of Andrew Christensen, co-author of
Reconcilable Differences
and director of a five-year study called the Couples Therapy Project. Every couple has incompatible traits that could destroy the relationship; those who survive learn to accept, rather than challenge, these differences. Your perceptions also play a role. You may have been attracted to your wife because she was outspoken, but now she’s outspoken with you and you’re blind to everything but the negative side of the trait. Like any effective therapy, acceptance puts the focus on the only person you have the power to change. Christensen suggests these strategies to defuse tension when you argue: (1) Figure out the “third side” of the story that incorporates your partner’s views. (2) View the problem as “it” rather than something being done to you. (3) Summarize
what your spouse says during the argument to show you get it (but without sounding like a smartass). (4) Focus on one problem at a time. (5) Don’t insist you’re right.

Pulling a fast one

Three years after my wife and I were married, I went to Central America to help with my family’s business. I stayed about a year and met another woman. We were married, and she returned with me to the United States. I told wife number one that the new woman was my cousin and would be staying with us. It has now been 12 months and wife number one wants to know when my so-called cousin will be moving out. What should I do? I guess I really screwed up this time.—A.R., San Diego, California

We’ll say. One wife wasn’t enough? Your spouse—the original one—knows something is up. If she finds out about the marriage, she could go to the police. Bigamy is a felony in nearly every state, including California. If you can’t decide who it’s going to be, the decision will be made for you.
^*2

I’ve only slept with two women—am I missing out?

I am 30 and happily married. This is the second marriage for both of us. My problem is, the only two women I’ve ever slept with are my ex and my wife. Hell, they’re the only two women I’ve been naked with. This bothers me, and I’m not sure why. Both my ex and my wife had multiple partners before we met. I don’t feel that’s a bad thing, just that I’ve missed out. How can I get over these feelings without putting my marriage in jeopardy?—C.T., Cypress, California

Look on the bright side—you’re two steps ahead of the virgins. You won’t “get over” these feelings any time soon. Even guys who have had hundreds of lovers wonder what it would be like to be with a woman besides their wife. Some men choose to cheat—and then wonder what sex would be like with a different mistress. That’s why marriage can be exasperating and rewarding at the same time; you may only have sex with one woman, but you got your first choice. You could abandon your marriage and begin a Don Juanian quest for fulfillment, but we both know you’d
regret it. If you want wild flings, you’re sleeping with a woman who knows better than any other how to turn you on. In the long run you’ll have more fun with her.

A shell of a man

I don’t like my husband going to strip clubs because of the way he treats me afterward. He says every man either has to watch dancers or cheat on his wife. Otherwise he becomes “a shell of himself.” What do you think?—R.R., Colorado Springs, Colorado

Your husband sounds like a single guy living in a married man’s body. There’s nothing wrong with a guy visiting a strip club but only if it doesn’t cause a rift in the relationship. When it does, he continues at his peril. Your husband is in a sad place indeed if he feels empty without strippers in his life.

The pain of childbirth

My wife and I are expecting our first child. She told me she had read that when a member of the Huichol tribe of Mexico goes into labor she ties a string around her husband’s testicles. As the pain of the contractions increases, she tugs on the string so her husband can share in her agony. Please tell me this isn’t true, because my wife doesn’t need these ideas in her head.—P.T., Atlanta, Georgia

That’s a good one. We checked with Stacy Schaefer, an anthropology professor at California State University at Chico who specializes in gender roles among the Huichol tribe. She says it’s not true. If God wanted men to share in the pain of childbirth, she would have made it easier for us to have multiple orgasms.

Six tips for better sex

For those readers whose sex lives have dried up since the kids arrived, here’s what works to keep my husband and me active five or six nights a week: (1) Hire a sitter once a week while you go for a walk, hold hands and talk. (2) Be a helpmate—there’s nothing sexier than a man who folds socks or massages feet during
Monday Night Football
. (3) Clean house—if ear and nose hair was gross on your grandfather, they are not attractive on you, either. (4) Make sure your wife has time to read a Susan Johnson book once a month to keep the juices flowing. (5) Schedule a little romance—do at least one small thing each week (rose petals have lots of uses). (6) Be a lifelong learner—read the
Kama Sutra
or watch the Better Sex video series.—J.B., Santa Rosa, California

Admit it—you’d have sex with your husband four times a week even if he didn’t do all this stuff. Most guys understand that they have to make an effort, but these lists feel like work. We always want to ask, when was the last time you fucked your husband for no reason at all?

My husband blabs about our sex life

My husband tells all the men he meets about our sex life. I suck, lick and swallow. I also like anal sex. I even asked him to arrange a threesome. It turns me on to see my husband get turned on. The problem is when he tells his friends how he gets anything he wants, I feel like our personal life isn’t personal anymore. When they ask me if he’s full of shit, I just laugh. Should I tell them, “Sure, I do it all” or deny everything?—K.B., Minneapolis, Minnesota

Have you told your husband about your concerns? He needs to know. You’re sexually adventurous because you feel comfortable with him, but his boasting makes you uncomfortable. If he continues to be indiscreet, tell his friends something like this, within earshot: “I don’t discuss my sex life. My husband can discuss his, but he may not have one soon.” Not that you would carry out that threat, because it would deprive you. But it might get the point across.

I said okay, but now I’m pissed

A year ago I told my wife she had the freedom to be with other men. A couple of days ago, she took me up on the offer. The man is a friend, and I’m having a hard time with it. I asked her not to sleep with him again until I could accept it. My wife is disappointed, but understanding. Now I feel like an ass. How can I get over these feelings of inadequacy? I want to give my wife what she desires.—J.S., Lawrence, Kansas

Did she ask for her freedom, or did you volunteer it? Giving your wife what she desires should turn you on—if not, you’re giving away too much. A large part of the problem is that she’s sleeping with a friend, and you imagine they have or will develop an emotional bond. A guy may fantasize about his wife’s fucking another man, but it’s only her body he’s sharing. Perhaps you can arrange to give your wife this freedom in a place where neither of you has anything invested but the pursuit of pleasure. Find a swing club where you can arrive and leave as a couple. You may feel more comfortable with this arrangement, especially if you’re getting a blow job at the time.

I want my husband to have an affair

The thought of my husband having an affair makes me wet, especially the anticipation I’d feel before his return after a night out. The problem is that whenever he’s in a position to meet another woman, he refuses to pretend to be single, or at least unhappily married. He won’t even remove his wedding ring. Few women believe that this mature, sexy guy is being truthful when he says he has my permission to cheat. What should I do? Send a permission slip? Make a matronly phone call?—L.R., Phoenix, Arizona

We like your husband’s approach because it’s honest and keeps the third party in the fantasy from having any illusions about what she’s getting into. It’s not an affair—it’s a threesome with the wife waiting at home. Next time your husband reaches the point where a prospect can’t believe he has your approval, have him give you a signal. Introduce yourself. Explain that “we each do our own thing,” or be more direct: “My husband is the best lover I’ve ever had—and I don’t mind sharing.” Then take your leave. You can’t do everything for the guy.

Why stay married?

Are people generally happier in their second marriages than in their first?—B.J., Omaha, Nebraska

Not necessarily. One study of 1,400 families found that 40 percent of the spouses who divorced found new partners but reported the same problems. Another study focused on 645 adults who said they were unhappily married. Five years later, two thirds of those who stuck it out reported being content. Among those who divorced, only half said they were happy (a notable exception was people who had been in violent or abusive relationships). So while many marriages end in divorce, it could be said that many divorces fail also.

I can’t stop thinking about Jenny McCarthy

I fantasize about fucking Jenny McCarthy. I told my wife about this, and she agreed to have sex with me while saying things like “You like the feeling of Jenny’s lips on your cock?” and “Come on, fuck Jenny McCarthy!” The problem now is that I can’t get turned on unless I’m looking at a photo of Jenny or my wife is pretending to be her. What should I do?—J.W., Baltimore, Maryland

You’d better do something quick or your wife will be a fantasy too. It’s not unusual to imagine being with other people while having sex with your partner, but it’s a bad sign when it’s the same person all the time, everytime. (It’s known
as
allogynia
, or the inability to come without fantasizing about a more desirable lover.) We would suggest aversion therapy, but we don’t know of any photos in which Jenny looks bad. The next time you have sex—if there is a next time—banish her photo and use “baby” and “honey” when encouraging your wife so you don’t slip up. Concentrate on the sensations and think about Jenny all you want, but keep it to yourself. We suspect you’ll get over this.