Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (13 page)

In other words, can you return the prints and negatives, but keep copies? Sure. The photos were taken during private moments in your ex-girlfriend’s life, but those moments also happen to be part of your life. The courts call it joint custody. That said, only a real shit would share these images with anyone, for any reason, be it carelessness or revenge. One reader attempted to solve this problem by offering nude images of himself to his ex. She didn’t consider it a fair trade.

Tipping tips

I found myself in an uncomfortable situation on a business trip to Los Angeles. When the limo driver dropped me at the airport, I realized I had only two singles. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I have offered him the two bucks with an apology? Instead, I shook his hand and thanked him. Now I feel like a schmuck.—K.T., Chicago, Illinois

If you find yourself short of cash, apologize and ask for his card. Then send a thank-you note with a tip. Copy his boss. That way you’re a schmuck only if you don’t follow through.

Last month a reader asked about a friend who would not tip on the alcohol portion of a restaurant meal. You didn’t address the larger issue, which is why we’re expected to tip on meals at all. We need to stop looking down on people who are willing to pay only the price on the menu.—J.S., Vermillion, South Dakota

You can pay the price on the menu, but who’s going to bring you the food? Skipping out on a tip might have worked in the Middle Ages, when leaving extra
was done solely in gratitude. But like it or not, tipping is now a form of compensation. Early Americans considered it undemocratic, but that changed in the late 19th century after wealthy Americans saw that it was done in Europe. Hotel and restaurant owners encouraged the practice because it allowed them to reduce wages and supervision of their staff. So many workers became dependent on tips that customers who held out paid for their insolence: Bellmen made chalk marks on the bags of nontippers so they would remember which ones to drop; in Chicago in 1918 police arrested 100 waiters for spoiling the meals of repeat customers who refused to tip. Tipping can be confusing. Our advice is to trust your instincts. If it feels as if you should tip, make sure you do. If it feels as if you should give a little more, then do that, too.

When traveling, I’ve noticed that people in some countries expect a tip in advance of a service. Isn’t this a bribe?—R.S., Honolulu, Hawaii

A tip is given in appreciation; a bribe is given in anticipation. When traveling in many parts of the world, it’s a good idea to recognize both. In the Middle East and Indonesia, a small bribe (pretip?) for services to be rendered is known as
baksheesh
; in Mexico it’s
la mordida
(little bite); in Kenya it’s
chai
.
Grease
is the term we grew up with. Any good travel guide will provide the going rates and customs. No matter where you are, it’s best to be discreet and not to offer cash until absolutely necessary. If you don’t offer at least minimal resistance, you’ll be marked as a rube. Government officials in some countries can spot a mark at ten paces, and it’s not beneath them to take your bribe and then “fine” you for bribery. Relative to what you’re spending on the trip,
baksheesh
won’t add up to much, but it will make your journey a great deal smoother.

Returning the favor

How do you ask a friend to return a favor without holding it over his head?—R.T., Denver, Colorado

You don’t. A favor doesn’t create debt. You can, however, cash in a favor to assist a third party, such as another friend. If you need a favor yourself, describe the situation in general terms and hope your previously favored friend takes the hint. If he doesn’t, don’t push it. While reporting on the favor economy for
Chicago
magazine, writer Marc Spiegler articulated the rules power brokers seem to follow: (1) Never give a favor expecting a specific reward, or demand repayment—you shouldn’t know or care if you’re paid up or paid back. (2) The value of a favor can rise or fall (e.g., securing Bulls tickets is no longer any great
shakes). (3) Personal and professional favors are interchangeable. (4) Favors are often better than money, and generally tax-free. (5) Always offer a favor before it is requested. (6) Don’t abuse the system, or you’ll be frozen out.

The limits of PDA

Where does the Advisor draw the line on public displays of affection?—T.R., Des Moines, Iowa

No tongues. We also prohibit baby talk and sliding a hand into your lover’s back pocket. Frantic groping in the bushes is okay.

The lady in red

A few months ago the CEO of my company died. He had worked his way from the mail room to the top. In the process, he stepped on plenty of toes. One woman lost her job when the executive promoted her boss but wouldn’t allow her a transfer. At the funeral she wore a red dress louder than any fire engine. Some people thought it was tacky, but I thought it was great. I didn’t like the guy, either. Should she have worn a traditional dress and not expressed her feelings? And what should a man wear to a funeral to express his loathing?—D.G., New York, New York

Tacky, tacky. We don’t approve of making a spectacle of anyone’s grief. A simple man who loathed the dead would skip the memorial. A gentleman would attend, dressed appropriately, and keep his mouth shut out of respect for the widow and family who had to live with the deceased.

How should I handle the office party?

I just landed my first job. The office holiday party is approaching and I’m nervous about it because I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid. Any advice?—T.H., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

If nobody did anything stupid at holiday parties, who would go? The best advice is to limit your alcohol intake to that warm, friendly point just before you can’t legally drive, and never get drunker than your boss. Consider it an opportunity to get to know co-workers who might become friends and perhaps help you advance (or keep you out of trouble). There’s another benefit to attending: A British newspaper surveyed 1,000 people and found that about 10 percent had started a relationship at a company holiday party. In addition, five percent said they had removed some of their clothes. We’d guess many in the second group also belong to the first.

Turf wars

I’m in a bar with a date and excuse myself to use the rest room. When I return, a guy is hovering over my chair, talking to my date. I linger, play the jukebox, etc. I didn’t want to dive in like a possessive boyfriend. Later, my date said I should have come right back because the guy was a loser and she was dying to get rid of him. A week later, I’m on a date with another woman. This time when I come out of the john and see a guy talking to her, I head straight for the table, excuse myself and take my seat. My date later tells me that I acted like a jealous he-man claiming his turf and should have given her time to take care of the situation. I guess the only solution is to ask my dates before I take a leak, “If there’s a guy with you when I come back, how would you like me to handle it?” How does the Advisor deal with the man-in-my-chair situation?—C.T., Santa Barbara, California

We put our hand on the back of the chair and say hello. It’s a bar, after all—lots of friendly people. But we’re confused by the women you’re dating. How hard is it to tell a chummy guy that you’re with someone? It’s okay to expect your date to save your seat.

The revolving door

What is the protocol for walking women through rotating doors? Ladies first and make them push, or gentleman first in order to do the pushing?—A.F., New Orleans, Louisiana

We think ladies first, for the same reason it’s always ladies first—so you can check out her ass. Did we say that aloud?

Best time to break up

When is the best time to break up with someone?—K.J., Chicago, Illinois

Right after they’ve won the lottery, so they know you’re serious. There’s no good time for the person getting dumped.

A friendly squeeze

My best friend went to the Caribbean for his honeymoon. One day he got a massage. He told me that the masseuse “hooted” him—that is, she squeezed his penis. Embarrassed, he ignored the gesture. The masseuse continued the massage as if nothing had happened. Was she sending a signal that she’d be willing to give him some X-rated attention? If so, what’s the proper response?—M.K., Somerville, Massachusetts

Have you already booked your flight? Before we hear from any outraged masseuses, let’s say first that you should never expect or request a happy ending. We’ve enjoyed hundreds of massages over the years and have never been hooted. Then again, we don’t find our masseuses in the sports section of the newspaper. There is no secret meaning to a woman grabbing your cock, in any context. It means what you think it means. The best response, if that sort of thing interests you, is, “That felt nice.”

Nipple patrol

While at the beach my sister-in-law and I were talking after she had come out of the cold surf. I noticed that her nipple was exposed. She left to get a soda, then marched back and asked why I hadn’t told her about her nipple. I hemmed and hawed and finally said, “I hoped it would slip back on its own.” Later, after a few drinks, we all had a good laugh about it. But what should I say next time it happens? With her breasts I’m sure it will.—D.T., Miami, Florida

Do they call you Mr. Smooth? No need to be coy. If her nipple escapes again, tell her to watch her top.

Follow-up visit

Is it ethical for a patient to ask out his nurse?—B.S., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Sure. She’s already seen your penis. But it’s not ethical for her to accept.

Caller I.D.

What is the etiquette for answering a phone that has caller ID, specifically at work? Should you greet the person by name or use a more generic hello?—D.Y., Phoenix, Arizona

Answer with your name instead of theirs. Someday that caller ID is going to be useful, so keep it close to your vest.

Are those real?

I have become friends with an attractive woman at work. She speaks freely with me about her new breast implants. How can I ask her to show them to me without destroying the friendship?—N.B., Bedford, Texas

You won’t ask her that, especially not at work. Given the boob jobs we’ve seen in test shots, her tits probably look better in her shirt. Enjoy the fantasy.

Everyone hates his wife

My best friend has married a woman who is such a bitch that no one in our circle of friends, including my girlfriend, wants to be around her. How do I tell him that everyone hates his wife?—J.P., Chicago, Illinois

He already knows—or he should, since he’s probably seeing a lot more of his wife’s friends than his own. Good friends are often the first victims of bad marriages.

Sending flowers

Is it customary for a gentleman to send flowers after the first time he has sex with a lady, or is chivalry dead?—N.P., Rushmore, Minnesota

If you were chivalrous you’d marry her. Once you’ve been intimate you can’t go wrong sending flowers.

Calling her by the wrong name

What should a guy say when he calls his partner by another name while making love?—B.F., Van Nuys, California

There’s not much to say. This is why early man invented the word “baby.”

Susan Sarandon delivered a great line in
Bull Durham
regarding this. She asked, “Would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?”—M.S., Portland, Oregon

FASHION

Looking good.